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Is she self-centered? Am I being unreasonable?


MirrorKnight

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Context

 

I mentioned Cathy in the very first post I made here whilst agonizing over whether or not to break up with my ex. We met in June, kind of hit if off, but I kept my distance and backed away since I was not single, albeit not happy in that relationship.

 

Since that break up (in Sep) I have met her a few times, mostly casually (walks, dinners), twice on more official dates (short trips on the weekend) more recently. Last weekend, she asked me to delete a dating app that I had on my phone that I did not realize was a dating app lol (it's an Asian thing) and she said that she has done likewise... so I guess we are in the early phase of an exclusive relationship? (I do not date more than one girl at a time anyway, so it does not change much from my perspective.)

 

The Issues

 

  1. Punctuality
     
    She has seriously annoyed me twice since we started dating, both times relating to punctuality. On the first occasion, she agreed to meet me after work for dinner, but ended up being an hour late for no good reason (lost track of time and took longer than she expected to get ready). On the second occasion, last night, we had arranged to video call at a given time, she was again an hour late and said she got held up by her cousin who wanted to speak to her about some problems at home. (She lives with him and his family).
     
    On both occasions, I let her know in no uncertain terms that I was annoyed and that it was unacceptable to me. She apologized on both occasions, though she did show a little attitude to begin with last night because she was already in a bad mood before I had a go at her.
     
    I am a very punctual person. I feel that if you do not respect my time, you do not respect me. I want to have an equal relationship with my partner, so as important as that person will be in my life, I will not allow my life to revolve around them and their whims. So, the reason I have been so triggered by Cathy's lack of punctuality, is that I interpret it as selfishness, or at least being self-centered.
     
    I picture her going about her day with no consideration for my plans, just drifting along, and "oops I am late for my date!" Getting distracted by her cousin and not thinking to drop me a quick message to say something like, "sorry my cousin wants to talk to me about something, let's talk tomorrow"... it comes across self-absorbed and self-centered. Am I wrong?
     
  2. Expression
     
    Not sure how to describe this. I will use examples. I say "goodnight" and "good morning" on most days to her, she does reciprocate, but does not initiate. She will tell me about her day and issues, like this morning "I am so tired"... but rarely asks about how I am doing.
     
    I know different people have different messaging habits and she is affectionate in person. She has also mentioned that she is not very good at expressing herself, something she blames on a somewhat strict upbringing. But I cannot help but feel that it is another amber warning for a self-centered personality.
     
  3. The Train Seat
     
    This is a minor issue I barely feel like mentioning, but it did bother me a little. On one of our weekend trips, we booked train tickets a bit late and could not book seats next to each other.
     
    On the way back (after a nice weekend away with no problems) the seats next to me became vacated as people got off at their station. We were 30mins away from our destination, so I messaged her to come over from her seat 3 carriages away. She said she couldn't be bothered as it was only 30mins, and later said it was because the guys next to her had fallen asleep and she did not want to disturb them to get out from her window seat. But I suspect she might have made that up after noticing my annoyance.
     
  4. Unfair Comparisons?
     
    I cannot help but compare Cathy with Jane (my ex), who was very selfless, considerate, expressive and affectionate in comparison. It feels wrong to compare and hold Cathy up to Jane's standards when Jane's virtues came with baggage that I also found unacceptable... Am I the problem for seeing problems in people and never being satisfied? Nobody is perfect, I know that, but how do I work out which imperfections are acceptable and which are not? Is it too soon to date again? Am I projecting my guilt about Jane onto Cathy, by being overly critical about her perceived shortcomings?
     

 

Thanks in advance for your time. Clearly I am no good at keeping things short and concise. lol

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I'm not sure the chemistry is there. It seems a bit lukewarm. I would have jumped at the chance to sit next to my husband while we were dating and it would have been mutual. Sometimes when we go out and there's a booth seat in a restaurant we still sit on the same side next to each other. It seems you're still healing from your break up and Cathy might be giving you some room too, whether subconsciously or unconsciously. A lot of people might be desperate for the company after a break up but you seem very self-aware. I don't think you should make any excuses for the way you feel. The vibe might not be there. Are you ok with continuing to meet Cathy or are you leaning more towards letting this cool off and seeing other women?

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Also there's a difference betweem 10 -20 min. late...vs an HOUR. That's not just running late! And to have not called is rude. I'm always late. My dad was never early. And if and when I have a party...don't want anyone early. And I've been a hairdresser all my life....and always tried to be on time...but didn't want anyone early...lol. I could handle 5 min. late. I've known 2 people that time meant nothing to them. I went to one persons house (years ago) and asked where's the clock...I wanted to know what time it was. She didn't have one! huh? (before everyone had a cell phone...or Alexa! lol) Years ago..i had a bf who lived out of town...and was always an hour late. grrr. I later found out he had a gf IN TOWN too!

 

If my bf said...sit by me...I would have been there in a nano second. Is she Asian? Do you think this has anything to do with her culture? My gf who was Hispanic...said one time when we were ON time for a birthday party and they were just setting up, said, "Oh Mexicans are always late"....! lol. So after that I planned on always being an hour late!

I know from being on here, that you are very self-aware and give great advice. What advice would you give yourself? Guess have a good old fashioned sit down....and see what happens!

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The only thing that I would find unacceptable, would have been the lateness- I would have left. Then, she has attitude.

 

I would have moved up to sit with you.

 

The other stuff is no big deal. It kinda seems that you are looking for a reason to end things.

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Yes, I think there is a compatibility issue and this will continue.

 

1. If she is late and doesn't at least let you know, she is setting the boundaries in her favour. Training you to accept what she is prepared to give. Yes, this would suggest a self centered personality. And then to get antsy, like it's your fault pushes her into narcissm.

 

2. Stop messaging her in the morning and night.

 

3. It sounds like it's her way or no way. This falls pretty much into what I said in point 1. She would have been fine for you to move to her, but not the other way around.

 

4. This is generally a bad sign and it is based on your current annoyance at her and the way she does things. It doesn't sound like she is the kind to change her ways, but will push you to change yours. You can either just go with it and work around it, being trained to do things the way she prefers while she ignores your needs and desires, or you move on.

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I'm not sure the chemistry is there. It seems a bit lukewarm. I would have jumped at the chance to sit next to my husband while we were dating and it would have been mutual. Sometimes when we go out and there's a booth seat in a restaurant we still sit on the same side next to each other. It seems you're still healing from your break up and Cathy might be giving you some room too, whether subconsciously or unconsciously. A lot of people might be desperate for the company after a break up but you seem very self-aware. I don't think you should make any excuses for the way you feel. The vibe might not be there. Are you ok with continuing to meet Cathy or are you leaning more towards letting this cool off and seeing other women?

 

Hmmm... I am not sure what "chemistry" is sometimes. I tend to say that I want there to be a "spark" when I meet somebody I like, an attraction that is either there or not, based on a mixture of physical and emotional factors, I guess that is what you call chemistry.

 

With Cathy, I do think we have chemistry. In person, she is generally affectionate and fun to be with. I must admit that I was a bit hesitant when I first met her after my breakup, and she might have picked up on it a bit and interpreted it as lukewarm interest in her... but on our first weekend trip, we went to a really busy touristy place (on a local holiday) and ended up spending a ridiculous amount of time (3hr+) waiting in a queue with literally thousands of people for an attraction that ended up being rather underwhelming. It could have been hell, it could have ruined our weekend, she could have complained and moaned about it... but that queue was actually the best part of our weekend, because we spent it holding hands, talking, cuddling etc and the time just flew by. We had our first proper kiss at a scenic spot when we finally made it to the attraction. It was getting dark, the mood felt right, it was a really great weekend. If you asked me then if there was chemistry, I would have definitely said, "yes, absolutely!".

 

The problem is that it is not always there. But surely that is expecting too much? When I first met Jane, I felt that spark with her too, she seemed wonderful, carefree, positive... obviously, that did not last. Also last week, I went to a dinner party (sort of) at a university friend's place, me, him and his house mates. One of his house mates was a really pretty, outgoing and single girl, I felt a spark with her too, or at least a strong attraction, but I already know that even if she were interested in me and something developed (I have no indication that she is, btw), I would find her to be too sociable and too outgoing, and will not have the energy level to match her.

 

My point is, I think I find fault with everybody, one way or another... which makes me think that I am the problem?

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Also there's a difference betweem 10 -20 min. late...vs an HOUR. That's not just running late! And to have not called is rude. I'm always late. My dad was never early. And if and when I have a party...don't want anyone early. And I've been a hairdresser all my life....and always tried to be on time...but didn't want anyone early...lol. I could handle 5 min. late. I've known 2 people that time meant nothing to them. I went to one persons house (years ago) and asked where's the clock...I wanted to know what time it was. She didn't have one! huh? (before everyone had a cell phone...or Alexa! lol) Years ago..i had a bf who lived out of town...and was always an hour late. grrr. I later found out he had a gf IN TOWN too!

 

If my bf said...sit by me...I would have been there in a nano second. Is she Asian? Do you think this has anything to do with her culture? My gf who was Hispanic...said one time when we were ON time for a birthday party and they were just setting up, said, "Oh Mexicans are always late"....! lol. So after that I planned on always being an hour late!

I know from being on here, that you are very self-aware and give great advice. What advice would you give yourself? Guess have a good old fashioned sit down....and see what happens!

 

To clarify... The first occasion that she was late by an hour, she did sort of keep me posted. She lives about an hour away from me, and because I work longer hours, we arranged for her to come to me for 7pm, which means she needs to leave home by 6pm. I would stay in the office and meet her at the subway station, only 5mins from work. At 6.15pm she messaged me to say she lost track of time and would get ready to leave, so I assumed she would be out of the door soon... but no, she went for a shower, makeup and whatever else and did not leave until 7pm, hence an hour late.

 

Regarding last night, she has had a difficult time recently living with her cousin and his family. Her sister-in-law (?) has been passive-aggressively trying to get rid of her by making her life difficult and making snide remarks. So apparently she forgot about our arranged call because her cousin wanted to speak to her about recent issues. She has been quite emotional lately, so I do wonder if I was a bit harsh to have a go at her straight away. She was defiant, or more like emotionally checked out, to begin with, and then started crying and apologized, which made me feel a bit guilty for piling on top of her when she was already struggling with work and home life. Then again, I am not oblivious to the fact that women do use tears to manipulate men... so I don't really know what to think.

 

She is Chinese, from a very poor village, I admire her for how far she has come in life from such a rough beginning. But I do feel like it has possibly left some legacy issues...

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The only thing that I would find unacceptable, would have been the lateness- I would have left. Then, she has attitude.

 

I would have moved up to sit with you.

 

The other stuff is no big deal. It kinda seems that you are looking for a reason to end things.

 

Sorry I think I should have been clearer with the lateness thing. I was not just waiting at a restaurant for an hour for her. I was waiting at work (so using time productively), she kept me relatively informed. I was just annoyed that she began her journey an hour late and did not seem to rush to be less late, like a quicker shower and makeup routine.

 

I am really not trying to look for reasons to end things. Most of the time I really enjoy her company and I am still blown away by how beautiful she is. The punctuality thing really did strike a nerve with me though.

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Yes, I think there is a compatibility issue and this will continue.

 

1. If she is late and doesn't at least let you know, she is setting the boundaries in her favour. Training you to accept what she is prepared to give. Yes, this would suggest a self centered personality. And then to get antsy, like it's your fault pushes her into narcissm.

 

2. Stop messaging her in the morning and night.

 

3. It sounds like it's her way or no way. This falls pretty much into what I said in point 1. She would have been fine for you to move to her, but not the other way around.

 

4. This is generally a bad sign and it is based on your current annoyance at her and the way she does things. It doesn't sound like she is the kind to change her ways, but will push you to change yours. You can either just go with it and work around it, being trained to do things the way she prefers while she ignores your needs and desires, or you move on.

 

Sorry I should have been clearer on the "an hour late" situation. I have explain in the above the context. Unfortunately I cannot edit the original post.

 

When I say she gave me a little attitude last night. Basically after she was 30mins late, I messaged her...

 

"If you actually care about me and respect me, you need to fix this punctuality problem. Disrespecting my time means disrespecting me. If your previous BFs tolerated this and you equate never confronting you with loving you and caring for you, then you are wrong, because it means enabling a bad habit, and having no self-respect."

 

She rang back another 30mins later, I told her that I was angry, and her initial response was (I am translating Chinese here) something like, "I can't help that you are angry"...

 

Obviously I was expecting an apology and explanation, so I got even more angry and said, "nevermind, clearly you are upset tonight, so am I, I don't want to say something I might regret, so let's just leave it for tonight and talk tomorrow"

 

At this point she suddenly started crying and explaining what happened, and apologized in the process. We ended up speaking for 40mins, including 30mins of video chat at her request, because she said she wanted to see me.

 

I still have not fully processed how to interpret what happened, whether I overeacted or not. Since Jane, I've been second-guessing myself when it comes to women, and I am just not as sure as I used to be, I guess because I feel I messed up the whole Jane situation so badly.

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I mean the whole point of dating is to learn whether or not you are compatible with each other, what you like and don't like about the person and whether those flaws are thing you can live with easily and happily or not.

 

As you said yourself, everyone comes with flaws. The question isn't about that, it's about whether you can live with those particular flaws. Relationships are a lot about "I've found a person whose flaws I can easily live with."

 

What you are describing here sounds like the tip of the iceberg of major incompatibilities and impending drama. For some people, lateness is nothing much, but for most, lateness is a big problem. Yes, it speaks negatively about the person who is late - boundaries, time management, lack of respect for other people's time, general or even intentional flakiness. Out of everything you've described, this one is a serious issue and it will lead to a lot of conflict. It's one of those things where it's better for you to be with someone who is equally punctual and she needs to find someone who is equally flaky or wiling to put up with her bs without being bothered by that. Again, most people will loose their mind with that kind of behavior. It makes her unreliable as a partner and who needs the stress and frustration of that.

 

The train seat....honestly I wouldn't think it's that big of deal. You are both adults, she was quite a few cars away, and it was barely few minutes to destination. I think this is one of those things where you have to be careful that you don't interpret things like that as rejection and an offense because there is none there really. You are kind of reaching and it's a bit self destructive.

 

Overall, rather than worrying about whether you compare unfairly or are too nitpicky, I think it's a bit of both. That said, figure out what kind of a woman you actually want. What traits does she have in terms of character, personality, behavior. The big stuff like whether she is warm and giving or a bit independent or self centered or whatever. What floats your boat in particular? Think also about what traits/flaws you can easily live with. Figure out what actually really matters to you and then find a woman who fits.

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Sorry I think I should have been clearer with the lateness thing. I was not just waiting at a restaurant for an hour for her. I was waiting at work (so using time productively), she kept me relatively informed. I was just annoyed that she began her journey an hour late and did not seem to rush to be less late, like a quicker shower and makeup routine.

 

I am really not trying to look for reasons to end things. Most of the time I really enjoy her company and I am still blown away by how beautiful she is. The punctuality thing really did strike a nerve with me though.

 

If she weren't so beautiful would you tolerate it? How would you advise your best friend if he were experiencing the same?

 

You should be focusing on her values and how she treats you, and others. This is what is important in a relationship.

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There seems to be too much of a cultural gradient. Time frames and social standards vary greatly and you don't understand hers. You'll have to take it or leave it. She may have become educated but she has not transcended her environment. Can you find women with a closer socioeconomic and cultural background to date? Rather than get annoyed at her for not being you or just like you, you may be better off finding a closer match.

She is Chinese, from a very poor village, I admire her for how far she has come in life from such a rough beginning. But I do feel like it has possibly left some legacy issues...
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Sorry I should have been clearer on the "an hour late" situation. I have explain in the above the context. Unfortunately I cannot edit the original post.

 

When I say she gave me a little attitude last night. Basically after she was 30mins late, I messaged her...

 

"If you actually care about me and respect me, you need to fix this punctuality problem. Disrespecting my time means disrespecting me. If your previous BFs tolerated this and you equate never confronting you with loving you and caring for you, then you are wrong, because it means enabling a bad habit, and having no self-respect."

 

She rang back another 30mins later, I told her that I was angry, and her initial response was (I am translating Chinese here) something like, "I can't help that you are angry"...

 

Obviously I was expecting an apology and explanation, so I got even more angry and said, "nevermind, clearly you are upset tonight, so am I, I don't want to say something I might regret, so let's just leave it for tonight and talk tomorrow"

 

At this point she suddenly started crying and explaining what happened, and apologized in the process. We ended up speaking for 40mins, including 30mins of video chat at her request, because she said she wanted to see me.

 

I still have not fully processed how to interpret what happened, whether I overeacted or not. Since Jane, I've been second-guessing myself when it comes to women, and I am just not as sure as I used to be, I guess because I feel I messed up the whole Jane situation so badly.

Honestly, even when it comes to the one gripe I want to get behind you on, you still manage to come off as kinda petty. I couldn't imagine lecturing someone like they're 11, never mind over SMS. I know plenty of people who don't tolerate dates who are an hour late, and understandably (rightfully, in my view) so. So they don't ask them out on another. Especially given your qualification that you'd been productive at work in the meantime rather than sitting idly with your phone at the restaurant table for an hour, there's not even much of a practical element to be upset over. You're simply stuck on the offense in her not respecting your time. And that's where it gets from understandable to petty.

 

Really, all of it screams "emotionally overinvested," and I'd say at a general level just as much as an intimate one. You have your standards, and that's just as fine as it is your right. Some people aren't going to live up to them. Some people are going to conduct themselves in admittedly more conventionally rude ways such as being an hour late to a date. It is what it is. Insofar as you're not actually beholden to that person-- which you certainly aren't to this woman-- you're free to let it roll off your shoulders and simply deselect them. If you're catching yourself lording over someone in text messages and dramatically "being afraid of saying something you'll regret" to a lady you've gone on a handful of dates with, that's a pretty clear sign you overshot the exit.

 

This coming from the only punctual member of the Spanish side of my family, with whom if I'm scheduling anything, I have to set the time an hour early hoping for them to show up a half hour after I actually want them there. That's just family tradition. And even then I'm at the point I'm gonna start running errands until one calls asking where I am. The frustration is real. But it just means I unashamedly had a very low threshold when it came to punctuality and completely elective dates. Even the unannounced 10 - 20 minute "lost the time putting on my makeup" tardiness never flew for me. Never lectured. Thanked them for their time and didn't see them again. Life's a lot less miserable that way.

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I have a few thoughts and it's mostly about the general feeling I'm getting from your dates, your background of just breaking up and some of your reservations you have of your own self.

 

I got the feeling that this seems very casual (the dating set up). It's a see how it goes type of thing. Does she know that you just broke up with your ex a couple of months ago? She may have serious reservations about that that you don't know about or she hasn't been vocal about. Most people would not take well to information like that. What you may be experiencing is difference in expectations. You're holding her to a standard that she's not sure she needs to be around you because she may think that you're not ready to date in the first place.

 

If you ever told her about Jane or your previous relationship, there's a good chance that she's keeping you at arm's length for a reason but still wants to take her chances with you. She seems very naive. There may also be other vibes you're giving off that are inconsistent to her. I'm just throwing this out there. Your reservations or strictness might be difficult to be around with over a long period of time. You may be finding also by getting out there and meeting new people that the subservience of Jane was over the top. Many other people will not be like Jane and would not take as many things as seriously as you. If I recall, Cathy is also younger than Jane. Jane might have been more mature and that is one of the things you ended up disliking (her age).

 

You should strike a balance somewhere. If you're still not happy with yourself and where you're at with life, you'll never really be at peace with anyone. And you also will not be able to invite anyone fully into your life. Things are still fresh after your break up. If you're still thinking about Jane and mourning or feeling bad about the falling out, you are definitely not ready to date seriously. You might want to in your loneliness and you might want to seeing great people pass you by but you're just not ready.

 

I agree with jman in the sense that when two people come together to build something towards the future, there should be some big picture views and a lot more understanding. It's a willingness to see flaws. We also accept the flaws in ourselves and are humbled that our partners accept those in us.

 

For the moment, I'd let things blow over. Thinking that she might have manipulated you with her tears or any such thing is extremely negative and speaks very poorly of your mental/emotional state or perhaps of a very deep and pervasive distrust of women in general. This is a problem if you find that you're very distrustful of women. I'd go back and ask yourself why and if it's something in-built and backwards in the way easterners treat women or the way some men view women.

 

It was wrong of her to be late to a date but it happened. What now? How can we move past that so that both people feel good enough to continue learning in the relationship? It's not a bad idea to learn to curb negative thoughts. Accept when something happened which should not have but don't let it fester and cause you to question everything so often. It'll drive you crazy living that way.

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I'll give you my gut read, and then expand.

 

Gut read, from your first post, is that you are jumping into this quick, scrutinizing Cathy through a lens of "future forever partner" rather than "compelling woman I'm excited to get to know," which is essential to early dating. Part of that is simply your nature, I understand, and I'd say a fair amount is basic incompatibility here, which I'll circle back to in a moment.

 

But I think a lot of that is because you're still healing from Jane, your point #4 getting in the way here. The vibe I get—from the above, and from your scolding text to her—is that you're looking for a Jane Replacement, or Jane Upgrade, or, put more frankly, a bandage for the Jane Pain. This is basic human nature—what's generally referred to as "rebounding"—but it comes with serious limitations, as any romance front-loaded with the question of "Is he/she the answer?" is a romance that will struggle to grow organically. People don't breathe well in pressurized air, and people don't see well in a fog.

 

Does Cathy sense this, on some level, and is she responding by keeping you at some distance? I'd wonder—and I'd respect her for it—as most mature adults would be supremely skeptical of being serious with someone who is (a) three seconds out of a relationship in the scheme of the universe and (b) already lecturing them about respect. That's another snag to rebounding. You yourself are in a life station that makes you hard to respect romantically, at least in a "serious" way, and yet you are thirsty for a version of respect you didn't get in your last relationship and believe is essential to relationships in general.

 

This is, alas, why people suggest taking some real time to heal, especially if casual dating isn't in their repertoire, by which I don't mean "more than one person" but just being genuinely chill about things, letting them unfold rather than trying to sculpt them into a predetermined shape. Aside from being good for your own spirit, it helps in dating, when you're ready, as "I broke up with someone a year ago, took some time to myself, have dated a bit, am now interested and ready for something deep and meaningful" is a much more comforting and respect-triggering line than "I broke up with someone yesterday and am ready for the real deal—feel like a drink? Also, BE ON TIME OR ELSE."

 

It's not that simple, I know, as it never is. You two already had a bit of a connection, life is life, sometimes it's blurry. Still, I think a lot of the above is at play: you're wound awfully tight, and I think the tension in those shoulders is a lot of Jane residue. Cathy has "represented" a lot of things to you: the greener grass, but also a source of shame and guilt. Those are thick weeds to slice through in pursuit of an authentic connection, no two ways about it.

 

But also? Maybe, as Rose said, the vibe just isn't quite there: she's more of an orange, you're more of an apple. I also got that impression, as sometimes that level of scrutiny is simply a sign that you're not really feeling someone. Better to own that, than to turn to lectures to turn the hot woman into the perfect woman. The instinct behind that could be seen as "self-centered," which is what you're questioning in her. But your main definition of her self-absorption seems to be her unwillingness to be the Cathy You Want Her To Be, in ways.

 

I don't mean all that critically, in the judgmental sense. We all flail in the wake of heartache and breakups, and I just think you're flailing a bit. The more grace you can extend to yourself in accepting that will result in extending more grace to others—and with grace comes space, where connections are cultivated and grown.

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Dude, you still have your recent ex living in your house (albeit you don't live there). Tie up loose ends before worrying about Cathy or Mary or Sally.

 

Honestly, as far as the seat thing. you were almost to your destination. She would have to get her bags and move them, too. Why did you not just book seats together? would have left it alone. You asked, she didn't jump, that's ok.

 

For a late person, i tell them the event is 30 minutes before it actually is - and i also start without people. If they find that i have already gotten through half my dinner by the time they arrive, they shape up themselves.

 

Above all, the "you don't respect me" "big man" speech has got to go.

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These interactions seem more like a power struggle than self-centeredness... like she wants to do what she wants to do and in her mind, you can either accept her as she is or not.... which is really no different from what you want from her.... you are who you are and don't want to bend on these areas of your life, and want her to accommodate your needs.

 

You've been dating only a few months and already have quite a list of things that annoy and frustrate you... probably a pretty good indicator that you aren't compatible for a relationship, as these would only continue to pile up and annoy you even further.

 

There are no rights or wrongs with what you are willing to accept or tolerate in a relationship, they just have to be things you can live with without wanting to stick a fork in your eye on a regular basis.

 

That all being said.... that text you sent? Pretty ball$y my friend... my own father doesn't speak to me that way, much less someone I was dating.... curious as to her response to said text, as mine would have been to immediately block you and delete your number without explanation.

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Way to much pressure and way too much eggs in one basket. She could have been a total mess, so instead of showing up rolling out of bed, she let you know she was running late.

 

I am the "show up 15 minutes early everywhere and anywhere possible" person, and stuff happens. If she didn't tell you, then it's not cool. But she did, so just let it go; she didn't want to show up smelly - you are not at the roll out bed look and be cool with it junction of your relationship.

 

The good morning, good night texts? BARF! BARF! Double BARF! I couldn't stand that. I love my hubs to bits, when you're feeling secure, you don't need that. Just call her and hang out together. Don't base your relationship on nonsense texts. I know plenty of people who were in constant communication, and posting how awesome and in love they were on facebook, and ya know where they are? BROKEN UP!

 

And the seat thing? You ever open those doors? Not easy for a thin, lean Chinese girl. Probably didn't see the point of trying to open 8 train doors! And it's a bit scary.

 

I think you still have SOOO much baggage from your ex. So, you just gotta take a deep breath, and just talk it out with your friends and family and your enotalone family, cuz god's honest truth, you are really grasping at straws here. And I don't think this relationship will last; you still have a lot of work to do on yourself.

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This type of statement is manipulative and comes from a point of weakness. Don't keep beating her up to displace your issues about Jane on her. However it sounds like she's not going to put up with your crap for much longer as revealed in her remark reflecting your anger back on you...where it belongs. Improved self respect would help you communicate better. That means stop thinking you need to bully to get respected.

"If you actually care about me and respect me, you need to...

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This type of statement is manipulative and comes from a point of weakness. Don't keep beating her up to displace your issues about Jane on her. However it sounds like she's not going to put up with your crap for much longer as revealed in her remark reflecting your anger back on you...where it belongs. Improved self respect would help you communicate better. That means stop thinking you need to bully to get respected.

 

he treated jane like she was a child, so i am not really surprised by this text.

 

I think you still have SOOO much baggage from your ex.

 

not *from* the ex, but from the breakup and refusal to not prolong the breakup. Since she is still living at his place, they have not "uncoupled" so to speak and she very well could try to win him back upon his return since he did not have it in him to tie loose ends.

 

How can you meet any woman who is serious in this case? I would say you would only attract women who are only looking for casual or are trainwrecks being that you have a fresh breakup from an LTR and she is still living there. A woman just would not take it seriously.

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he treated jane like she was a child, so i am not really surprised by this text.

 

I think you still have SOOO much baggage from your ex.

 

not *from* the ex, but from the breakup and refusal to not prolong the breakup. Since she is still living at his place, they have not "uncoupled" so to speak and she very well could try to win him back upon his return since he did not have it in him to tie loose ends.

 

How can you meet any woman who is serious in this case? I would say you would only attract women who are only looking for casual or are trainwrecks being that you have a fresh breakup from an LTR and she is still living there. A woman just would not take it seriously.

 

What a big mess. Don't you think you should have finished with the first one?!

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Okay, wow... quite a lot of critical comments overnight. Starting to see how people can get triggered here :p I will reflect on some of it, but I do not agree with some of the commentary, though I appreciate the good intent. So my genuine thanks to everybody.

 

Let me answer a few quick quesitons:

 

@abitbroken

Why did you not just book seats together?

 

It was a last minute trip, there were no seats next to each other to book.

 

@maew

That all being said.... that text you sent? Pretty ball$y my friend... my own father doesn't speak to me that way, much less someone I was dating.... curious as to her response to said text, as mine would have been to immediately block you and delete your number without explanation.

 

@Hollyj

That text was bad. You sounded like a parent.

 

I admit that in the cold light of day, my text was a bit too harsh. I should have calmed down and addressed it the following day in a more diplomatic tone. However, I do not feel it is wrong to address an issue that will be a source of frustration and conflict if this relationship goes anywhere.

 

As for how she reacted? At first with a sort of defiance (lasting 1-2mins), but as I suggested leaving the matter for the night, she apologized and explained herself. We then had an affectionate and nice video call before going to sleep. So I think her initial response was that she was quite fed up to be criticized after a hard day with other stresses (I should have been more considerate), but then I guess she did not want me to go to sleep angry, so wanted to resolve things?

 

The next day (yesterday), I asked her if maybe my outburst bothered her, she said something like, "No, I knew that I was wrong, what you said was correct, I need to get rid of bad habits to improve."

 

@tattoobunnie

Way to much pressure and way too much eggs in one basket. She could have been a total mess, so instead of showing up rolling out of bed, she let you know she was running late.

 

I am the "show up 15 minutes early everywhere and anywhere possible" person, and stuff happens. If she didn't tell you, then it's not cool. But she did, so just let it go; she didn't want to show up smelly - you are not at the roll out bed look and be cool with it junction of your relationship.

 

The good morning, good night texts? BARF! BARF! Double BARF! I couldn't stand that. I love my hubs to bits, when you're feeling secure, you don't need that. Just call her and hang out together. Don't base your relationship on nonsense texts. I know plenty of people who were in constant communication, and posting how awesome and in love they were on facebook, and ya know where they are? BROKEN UP!

 

And the seat thing? You ever open those doors? Not easy for a thin, lean Chinese girl. Probably didn't see the point of trying to open 8 train doors! And it's a bit scary.

 

I think you still have SOOO much baggage from your ex. So, you just gotta take a deep breath, and just talk it out with your friends and family and your enotalone family, cuz god's honest truth, you are really grasping at straws here. And I don't think this relationship will last; you still have a lot of work to do on yourself.

 

Ok, as hard as that is to read, I think you are right. I got used to a long-ish relationship with somebody suffocatingly affectionate. I think that probably gave me an unrealistic expectation of normality when it came to the train situation and the goodmorning/goodnight routine. I need to chill a bit and stop holding Cathy up to the parts of Jane that I miss the most.

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@Wiseman2

 

This type of statement is manipulative and comes from a point of weakness. Don't keep beating her up to displace your issues about Jane on her. However it sounds like she's not going to put up with your crap for much longer as revealed in her remark reflecting your anger back on you...where it belongs. Improved self respect would help you communicate better. That means stop thinking you need to bully to get respected.

 

Whilst I agree that I should not have confronted her about it whilst I was angry, and I should not have got so wound up about it in the first place. Punctuality is important to me and to a lot of other people. I do not think I am wrong to voice my displeasure at her inconsideration. If she is capable of improvement on the matter and I am capable of greater tolerance for inevitable future slip ups, then maybe it will not be a red line issue for us. That remains to be seen.

 

I disagree that my tone was aggressive, bullying or manipulative, or that it comes from a place of weakness. I was honest about what bothered me and why it bothered me. I do not see how that is a bad thing in communications between a mature couple. There is no intent to manipulate, it was not a "power play" or any such, the issue genuinely annoyed me, I let her know that it would be a significant problem if it persisted, told her what to do in the future... she accepted it and we moved on.

 

I have my insecurities of course, mostly relating to a sense of underachievement in my career, and some superficial issues like height. But I do not doubt my core value, not one iota. I am clear-minded enough to NOT put up with everything from Cathy just because she is the most beautiful woman I have ever had in my life. I do not think that is the mentality of weakness and insecurity. I respect her for who she is, I expect the same in return, that is all. I want to be equals in my relationship, not feel like a guardian (like with Jane) or to put her on a pedestal (like previous suitors might have done).

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@abitbroken

 

he treated jane like she was a child, so i am not really surprised by this text.

 

I think you still have SOOO much baggage from your ex.

 

not *from* the ex, but from the breakup and refusal to not prolong the breakup. Since she is still living at his place, they have not "uncoupled" so to speak and she very well could try to win him back upon his return since he did not have it in him to tie loose ends.

 

How can you meet any woman who is serious in this case? I would say you would only attract women who are only looking for casual or are trainwrecks being that you have a fresh breakup from an LTR and she is still living there. A woman just would not take it seriously.

 

@Hollyj

What a big mess. Don't you think you should have finished with the first one?!

 

Okay, on this point, as I have mentioned previously, I accept that I am carrying some baggage from my previous relationship. But who isn't? Everybody is molded by their life experience, including previous relationship, or a lack there-of.

 

I do not think that I have not de-coupled with Jane. Just to be clear, we are living thousands of miles apart and I may never return to that city again. I have not contacted her since the breakup except to give her a (generous) deadline for moving out, due to her rather unique and challenging circumstances. She has not contacted me except a few days after the breakup. I think (hope) she is moving on. I have not given her any indication that reconciliation is possible.

 

Ideally, life should be clean and clear, but it is not... I am trying my best to untangle everything metaphorically and literally.

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