Mother in Law tearing us apart?

First post, and this is a long one. I would appreciate any advice or points of view. I just need a refresher.

So me and BF have been together for 3.5yrs we have a 2 yr old son. So breakup isn’t exactly the best course of action.

I have always had a love hate relationship with my BF’s mother. She is incredibly controlling because she has been a single mom all her life and has never had an opposing opinion to fight against. She is used to getting her way.

We lived with her for 3 years up until 3 weeks ago when tensions had been boiling over for about 2 months. The final straw was an argument in which I talked back to her and she sent me packing my bags. BF and son obviously came with and we have been living at my parents.

Ever since we left her home she has been texting BF (I checked his phone, I know I was in the wrong). Their conversations are a mixture of her insulting me and my family and her asking how BF and son are.

I have made it clear to BF that they are free to see her and his family. I will not keep them isolated or away from them. No matter how hurt I am.

And incident happened this past Sunday when BF and son were meant to go visit her but BF’s shift got extended at work so it would not make sense to have to pick up son so late from her house. When my BF informed his mom she blew her top. Our son did end up going to visit her after getting a ride to her house and from her house.

However yesterday after reading his texts again I saw that she claimed that I was keeping them from her. That I was stopping them from visiting her. She then demanded that they visit her one a week or she will take us to court for grandparent rights (we live in California if that matters). I also texted my BF’s sister while my son was at their house to ask how my son was (mom instincts obviously) well mother in law took offense to that and claimed that I was checking up on her. And that I should leave them alone?? While watching my son?

So here is where my part comes in. After reading those texts I was upset and posted some comments to my Snapchat where I have her added as a friend. One of them said “the last thing I want to do is take relationship advice from a 40 year old who has never had a stable relationship” “every man leaves you for a reason”

Then I posted one saying “be a big girl and talk to me” she saw them like I intended her to. And she texted BF who is upset that I said those things about her. I am not upset I said those things as I was mad. But I want to hear from other perspectives. What do you guys think? How can I approach?

Don't approach anymore. You're doing a lot of damage micromanaging items that you should be leaving to rest. If your son is at his grandparent's place, let them be. Do not over-text people or damage your family relationships by micromanaging. Have you recently returned to work? Being away from your child in the first year or two can be very disconcerting and disturbing for a lot of mums.

The snapchat episode was very inappropriate and I think you owe your boyfriend's mother an apology for that type of public commentary. It's airing dirty laundry and has all kinds of terrible things written on it. All it does is reflect back on you and what type of person you are. You are coming across as someone who is controlling, negative, aggressive and vengeful. Be very aware of the platforms and methods you use for communication. Sometimes letting things cool down is the best thing you can do in order to let a situation work itself out naturally. There is a time and place for everything and social media is not the place to work out family differences.

Why is it that you aren't living on your own with your child? Do you both work?

I think you should take a step back and be the bigger person here. Stop making snarky comments on social media and try to make peace with his family. Do grandparents have rights in California?

There's nothing to be gained by carrying on a hostile relationship with them and everything to lose.

I think it was wrong of you to post what you did for several reasons -would you let your child hit someone or destroy property "because I was mad"? She is not your mother in law. She is your child's grandmother and your boyfriend's mother - is part of the tension here because you're not married? I mean it's none of her business but perhaps that's a factor in the tension between the two of you.

For the sake of your son please apologize to your boyfriend's mother. And if you truly believe that kind of attack on her was justified I'd get some counseling (I know, it's hard to find the time but you are tearing your family apart, not your son's grandmother, at this point).

Thank you all for the messages. I appreciate the point of views and really just needed to hear from parties that are not biased.

You say that you lived with his parents for 3 years until there was a blowup between your boyfriend's mother and you because you "talked back to her"

You seem to think that she needs to change.

She welcomed you into her home (who knows if you paid any rent) and sent you packing because you dared badmouth her in her own home.

YOU are the one who need to apologize to her.

After reading those texts I was upset and posted some comments to my Snapchat where I have her added as a friend.

Unless you are a 15 year old teen mom who grew up in a very broken, impolite home, you should know better. Why would you EVER in 500 years say this?

YES you are keeping her son AND your son from her by being a rude, childish, unpleasant woman.

Change your ways - your boyfriend had to make a choice between you and mom - he chose you. There will be a breaking point and he may choose his mom someday.

she saw them like I intended her to. And she texted BF who is upset that I said those things about her. I am not upset I said those things as I was mad

Being angry at someone isn't an excuse to act like an a$$hole. What did you think you would accomplish by doing this?

Knowing that this is how you respond in anger, it's not surprising that there was tension between the two of you.

Do you want to resolve things between the two of you? If so you need to focus on yourself and how you interact with her and take some personal responsibility for your behavior instead of blaming her for the problems in your relationship.

If you want to resolve things you need to start by reflecting on why she irritates you so much, while also trying to see things from her perspective, communicating respectfully and appropriately, and trying to find some common ground that you can both work towards to making the relationship better.

Just keep your own counsel here ...carry on with your original plan of your b/friend sorting out access and going to his mums and stop looking at his phone ..you are winding yourself up then lashing out ...people b1tch and gossip and say stuff ...so leave her to it ...you then look like the bad one hitting her with some low moves on the imternet , where she can keep a copy of it all and if she chooses to she could do some damage with all of that .

If you want to know how your child is doing when he is with your boyfriend's mother, you call her. And if your son is with his GRANDMOTHER for a few hours, leave them alone. use that time to get stuff done without your child around vs spending the whole time checking up. You don't call OTHER people. You need to learn many life skills quickly or you will find yourself with no boyfriend and in a custody agreement that you will not like.

it takes a big person to apologize and i think you should see a counselor and figure out how you are going to stop burning bridges with people. Do you work?

I agree with the general consensus.

I cringed, I admit, when it came to the Snapchat portion of this story, as I'd been cringing through the snooping-of-his-phone portions. Very childish behavior for someone tasked with raising a child. Both of those are highly passive-aggressive means of "communicating," which doesn't do anyone any favors, least of all your son, who is looking at you in terms of how to be a person in the world. Do you want him learning to lash out impulsively at people when he's upset, or creating pragmatic solutions to challenges?

This whole thing sounds pretty messy at the moment—but a manageable mess to clean up. One, make peace with his mother, in terms of apologizing about the messages. She may not absorb it—not right away, not ever, her prerogative—but that's okay, as it's you doing what is right, staying on the high road rather than reaching for the nukes when you feel the wind of bb pellet. Two, communicate with your boyfriend directly, as partners, rather than through spying on his messages. That is his mom, she'll say what she says, he'll respond how he responds. His business. Your business, together, is to create a stable environment for your son, and for each other.

Are there plans to live on your own? It certainly sounds like having your own place would benefit all parties involved. I understand that might be hard financially at the moment, which is why I stress to come up with a plan: a way of saving money, and moving toward something, together, so you're not at the whims of either of your parents. In executing a plan together you rise above the drama, rather than being consumed by it, no different than the only way you can find peace in a messy house is to get up and do some cleaning. Complaining about a mess just adds to it, you know?

I haven’t spoken to her in these past 3 weeks and I figured texting her would make things worse. So I texted his sister who I still communicate with occasionally.

I haven’t spoken to her in these past 3 weeks and I figured texting her would make things worse. So I texted his sister who I still communicate with occasionally.

Texting might make things worse. Instead call her and see if she'll go out for coffee with you and have an adult face to face conversation.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I do know and understand I should not have lashed out out of anger. I was upset at being insulted, this was not the first time she has said or done rude things. But I understand that was definitely not the course of action.

I currently do not talk to her, is there any way to repair and come back from this?

I haven’t spoken to her in these past 3 weeks and I figured texting her would make things worse. So I texted his sister who I still communicate with occasionally.

If your boyfriend dropped him off with her, you have no need to "check up" or communicate with her at all. So the kid is gone for a couple of hours - in the capable hands of the woman who raised his father. The point of babysitting is to give the parents a break. I am sure that if something happened, she would call your boyfriend if the child needed what she could not provide.

Do not try to act like nothing happened. Practice how you are going to tell her that you realize how awful you have been to her and ask her how if there is any way you could get another chance or start over with her.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I do know and understand I should not have lashed out out of anger. I was upset at being insulted, this was not the first time she has said or done rude things. But I understand that was definitely not the course of action.

I currently do not talk to her, is there any way to repair and come back from this?

*she* insulted YOU? Honey, i think you have that all backwards...

I agree with the general consensus.

 

I cringed, I admit, when it came to the Snapchat portion of this story, as I'd been cringing through the snooping-of-his-phone portions. Very childish behavior for someone tasked with raising a child. Both of those are highly passive-aggressive means of "communicating," which doesn't do anyone any favors, least of all your son, who is looking at you in terms of how to be a person in the world. Do you want him learning to lash out impulsively at people when he's upset, or creating pragmatic solutions to challenges?

 

This whole thing sounds pretty messy at the moment—but a manageable mess to clean up. One, make peace with his mother, in terms of apologizing about the messages. She may not absorb it—not right away, not ever, her prerogative—but that's okay, as it's you doing what is right, staying on the high road rather than reaching for the nukes when you feel the wind of bb pellet. Two, communicate with your boyfriend directly, as partners, rather than through spying on his messages. That is his mom, she'll say what she says, he'll respond how he responds. His business. Your business, together, is to create a stable environment for your son, and for each other.

 

Are there plans to live on your own? It certainly sounds like having your own place would benefit all parties involved. I understand that might be hard financially at the moment, which is why I stress to come up with a plan: a way of saving money, and moving toward something, together, so you're not at the whims of either of your parents. In executing a plan together you rise above the drama, rather than being consumed by it, no different than the only way you can find peace in a messy house is to get up and do some cleaning. Complaining about a mess just adds to it, you know?

Thank you for the advice. Especially the last paragraph I certainly think that can help us rise above this.

*she* insulted YOU? Honey, i think you have that all backwards...

In the texts to my boyfriend she mentioned feeling sorry for him that he chose me. And that I was just like their father that left them. I took that as an insult. Before this she has also insulted my family and called us all low class, lazy, and selfish. In the beginning of the relationship she also threatened to send me to jail for statutory rape as I was 18 and he was 17. She also questioned the paternity of our son.

You need to take the high road and be the bigger person here.

When you see your Bf's mother in the future, apologize humbly and sincerely for sassing back, disrespecting her and posting uncalled for comments on social media. Don't make any excuses. Tell her you were wrong and made a mistake. Say you're really sorry and do the right thing. It's called being an honorable person. Get it over and done with.

Granted, she had her part in this ongoing fight but two wrongs don't make a right.

Learn how to be a peaceful person. Don't be combative and confrontational. Learn to walk away.

In the past, I've had rows with my mother and sister and even though they would never admit fault in a million years, I apologized nonetheless and they took me back. I'm definitely NOT happy that I had to grovel but sometimes you have to swallow your pride for the sake of peace not only for yourself but for your child (children in my case) and the rest of the family tree as a whole. It's not optimal peace but I'll take any kind of peace any day because it's a heck of a lot better than strife, animosity and estrangement. I vote for peace always.

From now on, put your phone or PC down and stop relentless texting (or emails / messages) to your BF, anyone else, don't make anymore snarky comments about your BF's mother and think before you act, speak or write on social media and with all you do (not just social media). Err on the side of caution and don't do it. It's dangerous in this Information Age and no sense causing unnecessary battles for yourself. Why create unneeded stress? Be smart.

As for your relationship with your BF's mother, you need to really back off and stop being so emotionally invested in her. I have a MIL. I'm civil, very respectful, polite, well-mannered and all is well yet I'm definitely NOT close to my MIL. Enforce healthy boundaries with others. Keep a safe distance. Know where to draw the line.

Concentrate and focus on being a good mother. Your son is your #1 top priority in your life. Change your perspective, mature and grow up. You're a mother now. Act like an honorable, respectable mother. Think more, talk less.

In the texts to my boyfriend she mentioned feeling sorry for him that he chose me. And that I was just like their father that left them. I took that as an insult. Before this she has also insulted my family and called us all low class, lazy, and selfish. In the beginning of the relationship she also threatened to send me to jail for statutory rape as I was 18 and he was 17. She also questioned the paternity of our son.

But that was AFTER all the insulting things you did to her in HER own home and on social media.

The truth hurts, doesn't it? Honestly, you *showed* her what lack of class you have personally. you *were* lazy and selfish - enjoying her home, food and what she worked hard for while insulting her.

*and* i might add that hers was a private conversation.

if i were the mother of a teenage son, i too, would momentarily question the paternity, fearing a girl was trying to entrap him or not believing that my son would be that dumb. I, too, would be a bit disappointed my son is dealing with this at a young age.

So if you want to be seen as not lazy and entitled, pay your own way, and learn some manners.

There are plenty of young women with kids that work their rears off to earn respect, to work, and to make things better for their kids.

I currently do not talk to her, is there any way to repair and come back from this?

Yes but you will need to grow up a bit. What steps are you & your BF taking to become financially independent from both sets of parents. Going from living with his mom (rent free) to living with your parents (rent free) is an indication that you & your guy need some adulting lessons.

That said, first delete the snapchat posts. Second recognize that the worst thing you can do when upset is post to social media. You need to learn to keep your own counsel. Howl at the moon in private if you must but no public outcries.

Now send her some flowers. Seriously you have to make the grand gesture here.

Once you have good control over your emotions, reach out with a phone call & invite your BF's mom to have coffee with you in a public place to talk about how you can mend fences & maintain communication between her & her grandson. Do not even think about trying to address such an emotional minefield through text. Only face to face communication will get you through this.

You are going to have to learn to bite your tongue. If you think she's putting your kid in danger that is one thing but any other disagreements need to be handled calmly

Your son (or boyfriend for that matter) cannot be the source of contention between you and your mother-in-law if things are to get better.

If you do not wish to have a close relationship with your mother-in-law then try your best to keep correspondence civil and strictly on what’s best for your son.

Best not to air your grievances with her on snapchat moving forward. Or, go digging for ammunition through your boyfriend’s phone.

In-laws do need to be mindful of boundaries set forth by the parents. You, your boyfriend, and your mother-in-law all need to be in agreement with what those boundaries are.

We don't want to see this turn into the next episode for Dr. Phil. 😬

Goodluck!

is there any way to repair and come back from this?

There is, yes. The circumstances of your life, at 21 or 22, mean you essentially need to fast-tract the self-growth and maturity. Subtract the kid from all this and, well, it could be a weird chapter you look back on at 25 or 30. But the kid cannot be subtracted, and thank god for that, since human lives are awesome and so, for that matter, are mature humans. Time to become the latter so you can nurture the former. While you presently feel boxed in to a corner, if you can change your perspective a bit you can see that stretching out before you are a lot wins to be had, as there is no win in life quite like learning to be a legit grownup.

His mother is his mother. She's not going anywhere, nor is she going to magically become a completely different person. Keep anointing her the boogeyman and she'll become that. So take a humbler approach, by anointing yourself a young woman who is ready to grow a few inches taller, emotionally, and keep leaning into that. The days of text avalanches, phone snooping, and a Snap vengeance are behind you, freeing up space for you to be an awesome woman in your own skin, an awesome partner, and an awesome mother.

Think you're up for that kind of challenge? I get that it might feel a bit like climbing Everest this second, but you know what? The view from Everest is extraordinary, so keep climbing toward the summit and call the swamps for what they are: things you just get stuck in, so not worth your time or energy.

Have you heard the expression, "two women cannot live under the same roof?" After living at his mother's home for three years, I'm surprised there haven't been any knock down-drag out fights.

That said, I agree with others that you need to keep the peace and make amends with his mother despite your disagreements. I also have a MIL, whom I've never had any issues with but then again I'd never feel comfortable living with her. Pick your battles, and work on getting your own home/apt.

You need to grow up and act like an adult, your nasty messages will keep that wedge between you and her deep for a long time if you keep doing stupid stuff like that.

Why dont you and bf and child have your own place? Why live with anyone's parents?