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Thread: Mother in Law tearing us apart?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with the general consensus.

    I cringed, I admit, when it came to the Snapchat portion of this story, as I'd been cringing through the snooping-of-his-phone portions. Very childish behavior for someone tasked with raising a child. Both of those are highly passive-aggressive means of "communicating," which doesn't do anyone any favors, least of all your son, who is looking at you in terms of how to be a person in the world. Do you want him learning to lash out impulsively at people when he's upset, or creating pragmatic solutions to challenges?

    This whole thing sounds pretty messy at the momentóbut a manageable mess to clean up. One, make peace with his mother, in terms of apologizing about the messages. She may not absorb itónot right away, not ever, her prerogativeóbut that's okay, as it's you doing what is right, staying on the high road rather than reaching for the nukes when you feel the wind of bb pellet. Two, communicate with your boyfriend directly, as partners, rather than through spying on his messages. That is his mom, she'll say what she says, he'll respond how he responds. His business. Your business, together, is to create a stable environment for your son, and for each other.

    Are there plans to live on your own? It certainly sounds like having your own place would benefit all parties involved. I understand that might be hard financially at the moment, which is why I stress to come up with a plan: a way of saving money, and moving toward something, together, so you're not at the whims of either of your parents. In executing a plan together you rise above the drama, rather than being consumed by it, no different than the only way you can find peace in a messy house is to get up and do some cleaning. Complaining about a mess just adds to it, you know?

  2. #12
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    I havenít spoken to her in these past 3 weeks and I figured texting her would make things worse. So I texted his sister who I still communicate with occasionally.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by needadvice10
    I havenít spoken to her in these past 3 weeks and I figured texting her would make things worse. So I texted his sister who I still communicate with occasionally.
    Texting might make things worse. Instead call her and see if she'll go out for coffee with you and have an adult face to face conversation.

  4. #14
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    Thank you everyone for the advice. I do know and understand I should not have lashed out out of anger. I was upset at being insulted, this was not the first time she has said or done rude things. But I understand that was definitely not the course of action.
    I currently do not talk to her, is there any way to repair and come back from this?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by needadvice10
    I havenít spoken to her in these past 3 weeks and I figured texting her would make things worse. So I texted his sister who I still communicate with occasionally.
    If your boyfriend dropped him off with her, you have no need to "check up" or communicate with her at all. So the kid is gone for a couple of hours - in the capable hands of the woman who raised his father. The point of babysitting is to give the parents a break. I am sure that if something happened, she would call your boyfriend if the child needed what she could not provide.

    Do not try to act like nothing happened. Practice how you are going to tell her that you realize how awful you have been to her and ask her how if there is any way you could get another chance or start over with her.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by needadvice10
    Thank you everyone for the advice. I do know and understand I should not have lashed out out of anger. I was upset at being insulted, this was not the first time she has said or done rude things. But I understand that was definitely not the course of action.
    I currently do not talk to her, is there any way to repair and come back from this?
    *she* insulted YOU? Honey, i think you have that all backwards...

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I agree with the general consensus.

    I cringed, I admit, when it came to the Snapchat portion of this story, as I'd been cringing through the snooping-of-his-phone portions. Very childish behavior for someone tasked with raising a child. Both of those are highly passive-aggressive means of "communicating," which doesn't do anyone any favors, least of all your son, who is looking at you in terms of how to be a person in the world. Do you want him learning to lash out impulsively at people when he's upset, or creating pragmatic solutions to challenges?

    This whole thing sounds pretty messy at the momentóbut a manageable mess to clean up. One, make peace with his mother, in terms of apologizing about the messages. She may not absorb itónot right away, not ever, her prerogativeóbut that's okay, as it's you doing what is right, staying on the high road rather than reaching for the nukes when you feel the wind of bb pellet. Two, communicate with your boyfriend directly, as partners, rather than through spying on his messages. That is his mom, she'll say what she says, he'll respond how he responds. His business. Your business, together, is to create a stable environment for your son, and for each other.

    Are there plans to live on your own? It certainly sounds like having your own place would benefit all parties involved. I understand that might be hard financially at the moment, which is why I stress to come up with a plan: a way of saving money, and moving toward something, together, so you're not at the whims of either of your parents. In executing a plan together you rise above the drama, rather than being consumed by it, no different than the only way you can find peace in a messy house is to get up and do some cleaning. Complaining about a mess just adds to it, you know?
    Thank you for the advice. Especially the last paragraph I certainly think that can help us rise above this.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    *she* insulted YOU? Honey, i think you have that all backwards...
    In the texts to my boyfriend she mentioned feeling sorry for him that he chose me. And that I was just like their father that left them. I took that as an insult. Before this she has also insulted my family and called us all low class, lazy, and selfish. In the beginning of the relationship she also threatened to send me to jail for statutory rape as I was 18 and he was 17. She also questioned the paternity of our son.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need to take the high road and be the bigger person here.

    When you see your Bf's mother in the future, apologize humbly and sincerely for sassing back, disrespecting her and posting uncalled for comments on social media. Don't make any excuses. Tell her you were wrong and made a mistake. Say you're really sorry and do the right thing. It's called being an honorable person. Get it over and done with.

    Granted, she had her part in this ongoing fight but two wrongs don't make a right.

    Learn how to be a peaceful person. Don't be combative and confrontational. Learn to walk away.

    In the past, I've had rows with my mother and sister and even though they would never admit fault in a million years, I apologized nonetheless and they took me back. I'm definitely NOT happy that I had to grovel but sometimes you have to swallow your pride for the sake of peace not only for yourself but for your child (children in my case) and the rest of the family tree as a whole. It's not optimal peace but I'll take any kind of peace any day because it's a heck of a lot better than strife, animosity and estrangement. I vote for peace always.

    From now on, put your phone or PC down and stop relentless texting (or emails / messages) to your BF, anyone else, don't make anymore snarky comments about your BF's mother and think before you act, speak or write on social media and with all you do (not just social media). Err on the side of caution and don't do it. It's dangerous in this Information Age and no sense causing unnecessary battles for yourself. Why create unneeded stress? Be smart.

    As for your relationship with your BF's mother, you need to really back off and stop being so emotionally invested in her. I have a MIL. I'm civil, very respectful, polite, well-mannered and all is well yet I'm definitely NOT close to my MIL. Enforce healthy boundaries with others. Keep a safe distance. Know where to draw the line.

    Concentrate and focus on being a good mother. Your son is your #1 top priority in your life. Change your perspective, mature and grow up. You're a mother now. Act like an honorable, respectable mother. Think more, talk less.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 11-05-2019 at 07:50 PM.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by needadvice10
    In the texts to my boyfriend she mentioned feeling sorry for him that he chose me. And that I was just like their father that left them. I took that as an insult. Before this she has also insulted my family and called us all low class, lazy, and selfish. In the beginning of the relationship she also threatened to send me to jail for statutory rape as I was 18 and he was 17. She also questioned the paternity of our son.
    But that was AFTER all the insulting things you did to her in HER own home and on social media.
    The truth hurts, doesn't it? Honestly, you *showed* her what lack of class you have personally. you *were* lazy and selfish - enjoying her home, food and what she worked hard for while insulting her.

    *and* i might add that hers was a private conversation.

    if i were the mother of a teenage son, i too, would momentarily question the paternity, fearing a girl was trying to entrap him or not believing that my son would be that dumb. I, too, would be a bit disappointed my son is dealing with this at a young age.

    So if you want to be seen as not lazy and entitled, pay your own way, and learn some manners.
    There are plenty of young women with kids that work their rears off to earn respect, to work, and to make things better for their kids.

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