8.5 Year Relationship Done?

[Dimmer]

This is going to be a long explanation to a fairly complicated relationship, and I'm really stuck at the moment if I keep fighting and trying even though to me it doesn't seem to be doing anything other than causing me more heartache. So just over 3 weeks my girlfriend and partner of over 8.5 years tells me that she thinks and feels that we need a break and some time apart to figure out if this is the relationship we both want and can move forward with. She does this after midnight knowing I have to work 1AM for my job, while at her house. Needless to say that does bug me and feels a bit disrespectful. 2 days before this her grandfather died who was almost 99. Now our relationship as I have said is a bit complicated, we are each divorced with children (her 2, I 1) and supported each other through those divorces. It has been a struggle to "blend" our 2 families. She has been around my son for 5+ years, even spending nights and weekends while he is here for many years. I have a fairly mutual divorce, with a focus being on the kid and not the differences or issues between my ex and I. We also do not involve him in those differences but focus on him and his needs because children should not be punished for failures of their parents, they had no choice in the matter. She unfortunately does not have that, her ex has been focused on ruining her life and reputation and turning their kids against her, involving the kids in their differences and issues. Blaming her and her family for their issues and divorce. 2+ years ago her oldest child fled to her ex's house after being in trouble and being punished, and she hasn't been back since. 1.5+ years ago her youngest tried to do much the same with the "I just want to be at dad's" and to this day only spends 2 weekends a month with her even though they share 50/50 legal and physical custody of both children. For these past 2 years, I have tried to be there for her as support, putting aside many of my tasks and projects as home owner. And yes, my home has become a bit of a disaster and an even larger project. It turns out that she didn't feel like she asked, wanted, or needed that from me. And she would have preferred that I work on my house, to work towards possibly selling it so that we could combine to one new house as neither of house is large enough. I do have a busy schedule with my son's activities and being an involved parent, including Scouting which takes 1 weekend a month, 1 evening a week, and 1 week a year for just the basics and sometimes more for extra items. She sees this involvement as taking time away from our relationship and me being able to work on my house and house projects. Now at the same time, in nearly 8.5 years I have almost no relationship with her youngest child and have never spent a night or weekend at her house when he is there. I am pretty much am not around when her son is around, for a few reasons like due to previous issues and it being tenuous and because of that I don't just stop or pop-in to her house when he is there. Other than a group night out with multiple families and 1 birthday of mine like 3 years ago, we haven't even had dinner or "Family" night in as either the 3 of us (her, her son and I) or as the 4 of us (her, myself and our sons). So she has issues seeing us move forward as I am not making the progress that she would like to see on my house and I have issues because if we were to combine to 1 house, what am I going to do? Leave every time her son comes to stay? I will admit, that lack of progress there doesn't necessarily make me want to work on my projects and tasks. She says that I can't be around because I am not around and always out doing Scouting things, so we can't have dinner. I do tend to take advantage of weekends that her son is around to schedule some of those things rather than sit around waiting for the possible invite to come. I know one of our biggest issues is communication, and in the past 3 weeks it feels like it has gotten worse. I have poured my heart out to her in text via phones, and asked questions, etc but she doesn't always answer or answer my questions which is heart wrenching. When I ask her about them, she then tells me that she hasn't ignored them and just doesn't have answers, but not even acknowledging the questions is killing me. Yet if she asks me a question or pours out her heart to me, she expects an acknowledgement or answer to it. I just want a fair playing field, I want the same expectations. When we do talk it constantly drifts to the issues and for her what I have failed at doing at my house, and not committing any time to just us and our relationship. I took a week off this summer to work on my house and only got through what turned out be a much larger plumbing issue while still committing at least 1 day and multiple evenings to just spending time together and doing things as a couple, etc. I don't always bring up my issue with having pretty much no involvement with her son, because I have in a few of our deeper talks and I trust in her and trust her judgement with her kids on what they can and can't handle. I love her, I love her deeply, but I can't keep apologizing and I don't know if it is worth it my efforts to keep reaching out and trying to get her to talk to me, to listen to me, to work through this with me. I have asked about going to couples counseling multiple times and she has never answered that question directly or indirectly. I am not a quiter and I don't like what the last 2 years has done to the person I saw myself spending the rest of my life with.

[Wiseman2]

She keeps you at arm's length. She unfortunately does not want to be a family with you. Do not allow "breaks". Go complete no contact. Leave her alone. Stop and reflect on if this is working for you. Is she still with her kids dad or trying to get back with him?

[Dimmer]

No, her kids dad is a control freak to the point of abuse. Always made everything her fault, and he wouldn't get mad if she didn't do things to make him mad type. He would let her go be with her friends or neighbors, but then give her hell for doing it. I encourage her to see her friends, do things with them, and get involved in other activities like joining/volunteering with the organizations her kids participate in. I have to say too, all the kids are high school age, ranging from Freshman (mine) to Sophomore and Senior. Since my job changed and I no longer have an office, I don't "see" people anymore. I don't physically see my co-workers, and my male friends are mostly all busy with their own families that we haven't seen each other in a year or 2.

[simple cure]

Hi, I just wanted to point out the process of healing for someone who was with a mentally abuse kind of person, like her ex.
Getting close to someone afterwards, and trusting them is really difficult.
You sound like a really good guy, and you are trying your best.
It sounds like you are trying to fix a lot more than your house, and in some ways, something you might not be able to fix, with your significant other.
If she doesn't want you to, and isn't letting you, there's no more you can do. It's hard to, but consider being a' gentleman' about it and just saying something like, I want to make this work, I care about this relationship, and I see that you need some time to yourself, to sort out your problems, let me know if I can help, I'll be over here doing what needs to be done.
Sorry if that sounds oversimplified considering the weight of your feelings now, but it might help you too. Some time to clear your mind and consider what you want and need too
Counseling and therapy seem like a good idea too. Maybe for yourself first, and then later, if she wants, for both of you?
I hope this helps you a little.

[Dimmer]

Thanks, I agree Wiseman2 that she keeps me at arms length, especially lately. Many times she has told me that she doesn't "feel comfortable" talking to me about certain things, like her situation with the kids, because she feels like I criticize how she handles it and if she doesn't do it my way then she's wrong. I feel like then it is on me to make her "feel comfortable" to just talk to me. And I agree, you can't fix another person. My ex is my ex for many reasons, one of them is that her self-image and self-esteem she put on me to fix. I have mentioned therapy/counseling to her for herself because I don't feel like she is coping with her ex and kid issues very well, and I understand it would piss me off and drive me a bit crazy too if it were my kid. Heck it does, and they aren't my kids, no kid should be put in the middle and used against another parent. I definitely have been on the look for myself for counseling, because I need an outlet, one reason I was glad to find this site. As I said, I don't really have an outlet at the moment.

[Wiseman2]

When push comes to shove, your criticizing her parenting and adding insult to injury, telling her she needs therapy, well she will push you out because her kids come first. Step away from this. You are not compatible. Next time, do not tell people how to raise their kids and imply they are incompetent and need therapy. Save yourself all the hassle and just walk away.

she feels like I criticize how she handles it and if she doesn't do it my way then she's wrong. I have mentioned therapy/counseling to her for herself because I don't feel like she is coping with her ex and kid issues very well

[Dimmer]

Wiseman2, I am very aware of "criticizing" a parent, I am one, but if as a couple we are/were to share a house and/or get married then that makes us co-parents of each other's children, or at least adults that will be responsible for each other's children. And as partners, we need to be able to discuss how to handle situations and issues with all of the children. I totally agree on kids first, I have said that since her and I started seeing each other. And I totally want her to put her kids first. I am an adult, I can care for myself and deal with things myself, and I expect the same of any other adult (and yes, I know that doesn't hold true for all adults and all parents). I also don't think it is wrong to tell someone that you see something is not healthy and that talking with someone may help because it has in the past, especially being open to doing the same and doing it together, and communicating all of that.

[Wiseman2]

But you were not married engaged nor living together. Even if you were to marry/live together, raising her kids is and always will be up to her and their father, not some bf. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Next time you date women with kids stay out of whatever parenting there is for them and focus on whatever is going on with your kids and their mother. You can't march into someone's life and start telling them they need therapy and how to raise their kids. If they are dumping on you, you end the conversation or you end the relationship. You can't fix or change people.

if as a couple we are/were to share a house and/or get married then that makes us co-parents of each other's children, or at least adults that will be responsible for each other's children.

[Dimmer]

No, we weren't married, engaged, or living together. But being in a relationship and being partners, and part of each other's lives also makes the kids part of that relationship too. Yes, primary parenting is done by their blood parents. So if the primary parent isn't around, the kids are allowed to do whatever they want because of "boundaries"??? I think not. And if as adults and parents, a couple (married, engaged, living together, living separately, whatever) have a discussion about how to handle a situation with a child, it is no different than any other parent talking to another parent for advice or even a sounding board as how to handle the situation. And in 8.5 years, there's no "march into someone's life and start telling them they need therapy and how to raise their kids". I would never tell another parent how to parent, I will discuss parenting and child situations with other parents and offer my thoughts and opinions. Just as the woman I have/had been with for 8.5 years did with me about my own child. I don't expect to fix or change people, a relationship whether it be romantic, platonic, family, etc should bring out the best in a person, not the worst. And yes, I would hope if you saw a friend or loved one struggling in life, being depressed, possibly even suicidal, that you would support and encourage professional help for them. There's a difference between saying "you need to get mental help" and "I hate seeing what this is doing to you and think you should talk with someone about it".

[abitbroken]

Wiseman2, I am very aware of "criticizing" a parent, I am one, but if as a couple we are/were to share a house and/or get married then that makes us co-parents of each other's children, or at least adults that will be responsible for each other's children. And as partners, we need to be able to discuss how to handle situations and issues with all of the children. I totally agree on kids first, I have said that since her and I started seeing each other. And I totally want her to put her kids first. I am an adult, I can care for myself and deal with things myself, and I expect the same of any other adult (and yes, I know that doesn't hold true for all adults and all parents). I also don't think it is wrong to tell someone that you see something is not healthy and that talking with someone may help because it has in the past, especially being open to doing the same and doing it together, and communicating all of that.

But you are not "coparents" right now. you need to stop automatically doing house projects she doesn't ask for, try to push "family nights" when you and her son and her kids are not a family. Let her parent her way and you parent your kid your way. You may say you are just being a sounding board for her, but it is not coming off that way to her. If she only sees her kid every other weekend, its not for you to push "family time" and for the kid's mental health maybe that's what is needed - to connect with mom. you are not engaged - so stop forcing yourself to "blend" . I don't think you should bring up couple's counseling again. either you are compatible or not.