Hard decision

[KatrinaH81]

Yes i pay child support every month because in my state which ever parent doesn't have physical custody pays which I have no problem doing at all. The only reason I gave up physical custody is because as I said I was homeless, living in my car not eating for weeks at a time because I had lost my job at the time due to an injury and they medically terminated me. Ive even offered to pay for her hockey or lacrosse because her father has the child support going into a savings account for college. We all have talked about doing therapy which I also offered to pay for but all I ever get told is she's to busy or she's emotional because she's starting puberty or some other excuse. I had a very rough childhood which is why I stayed with the ex for as long as I did. And I do want to be able to stand up for myself and teach her how to be a good person. I'm just torn over doing what she wants versus what I want. In an ideal world we would have the relationship we used to have but its not an ideal world. And I know I shouldn't worry about the what ifs but what parent doesn't? It really doesn't help to have my family yelling at me to force her to go with me and her looking at me with hate. I would love to have her go to therapy if they would take her.

[ThatwasThen]

Get it court ordered. If you can afford all of those things you're willing to pay for then perhaps you can afford a lawyer long enough to get her to want to be with you again. For all you know they are turning her against you.

Failing you doing that, why not get yourself into therapy to talk to someone that can help you make a decision as to whether or not you should pursue regular custody visits with her or give her up altogether.

I have an Uncle whose daughter didn't want to have visits with him and his new wife. He gave her up 50 + years ago to her mom and her new husband and hasn't, to my knowledge, seen her since. He's 87 now and the daughter he had with his second wife he is very close with.

I wish you luck and resolution.

[itsallgrand]

It makes sense she is so angry. Abandonment is abandonment, she is too young to consider the complications of why you chose as you did and why you weren't able to care for her on a full time basis.
She's still just a child, though you say she is mature for her age, that's a pretty common coping mechanism for kids who have had to deal with a lot at young ages. Acting more grown than you are, to protect oneself, but inside hurting badly.

She doesn't really hate you, she loves you, she's just steeling herself from further rejection from you. Oh I know in your heart, you feel oh I'd never ever reject my child, she's the world to me. Abandonment though is the ultimate rejection, and that cuts deeper than any I love yous or explanation can get to.

The only way past it is time, consistency, being there no matter what. Well this is a no matter what moment. And you will face many more.

Don't give up.

[Tinydance]

I don't have kids or much experience with kids, so not sure if my advice is good...However I would strongly advise you not to give up on your daughter. She may be infatuated with your ex's new wife, but she is only a little girl still. She might just have fantasies that her "New mother" is better because she lets her do XYZ. But YOU are her real mother. Keep in mind that if your ex ever divorces the new wife, she may end up not even being in your daughter's life anymore. I think you need to keep contacting your daughter as much as you can and showing her how much you love her. Stop listening to what she says e.g. "Don't get me anything for Christmas". She is just a little girl and she's being moody and a bit immature. I think you should get her something she would really like for Christmas or her Birthday. Or have a special surprise outing for her or something like that. Stop being so passive and letting your ex and his wife push you away. You have rights and you need to stand up for yourself!

[catfeeder]

Do I keep hurting her and myself by not giving in or do I give in and let her step mom adopt her but destroy myself in the end?

Never operate against your own best interests, and don't confuse a current want from your child to be a 'need'. Especially one that will last forever.

I'd explain to daughter that she already has the benefit of the step mom without you giving up your responsibilities as a parent who loves her. You are making room for a time in the future that she may come to recognize the difference between your desire to have been a better parent for her versus your abilities to do so at that time. Regardless of whether she ever forgives you or not, you will always be her mother and you will always be willing to keep your home and your heart open to her, no matter what.

From there, I'd send occasional cards and messages that I'm still thinking of her and love her, or something reminded me of her today, or whatever, and without any requests for a response.

There are a lot of years for her to navigate, and it's typical of children in their mid to late teens to want to break free of their current household to live with the other parent. If you remain a kind and welcoming presence in the background of her life throughout these years, she may someday want to explore a new relationship with you.

However, if you drop your parental rights, you'll be sending the message that you believe that it's best for her to forget about you, and that's not a good message for any kid to get, regardless of how hostile they feel toward a parent at any given time.

You're in this for the long haul, so stay there. You will likely thank yourself later, and so might she.