Jump to content

Recommended Posts

First a bit of back story. Got married at 18 in 1999 to my high school sweetheart( so I thought). He was controlling in school but once we got married it stopped, for a year anyway. Then got worse. I was isolated from my family, had to get his permission to spend over $100 of my money from my job ( we had separate bank accounts) I was only allowed to have friends that he was friends with first. It was never physical just emotional and mental abuse. I kept thinking it would get better. Fast forward to 2009 and I got pregnant. Thinking things would change I was happy. Mental abuse continued. Fast forward to 2012 I finally get the nerve to leave but what to do about my daughter? I didnt have a guarantee I would have a roof over my head since I had been isolated from my family so I chose to leave my daughter with my husband. I wanted her to have a roof over her head, clothes on her back and food in her belly. Many people have told me I was wrong in that decision but I felt it was the best for her. Especially when I became homeless just a few months later. Fast forward to 2014 and I was living with my grandmother and according to divorce court I was getting my daughter 2 over night visits every week. About a month before she started school she starts telling me she doesn't want to stay the night anymore because "daddy and grandma cry when I'm not home" so I gave in when she started crying and stopped having her over night. Then the ex starts only allowing me to have her every other Sat. I can't afford a lawyer at this time so I argue with him, without her present, and fight trying to get her more often. She comes to me crying telling me she doesn't want to come with me more often. Again I give in to make her happy even though its killing me inside. Then the ex husband starts dating his now current wife. My daughter loves her. I notice my daughter pulling away from me more. I'm no longer being told of school plays and events. I keep asking and am told my daughter doesn't want me there. This past year I got my daughter on mother's day and Christmas Eve. I went to every lacrosse game I could which wasnt every single one being that I worked every other weekend. When she started hockey I was told an hour prior to the game that she was having a game that was at least a 2 hour drive from me. When I couldn't make those my daughter started saying guess something else was more important then me. Instead of them telling her the truth that they didnt inform me till it was to late for me to make the game they just shrug it off. My daughter started asking me to give up my rights to her so her new step mom can adopt her. It breaks my heart every time she asks and I tell her no its never going to happen. She gets mad at me and doesn't want to spend time with me now because she thinks everything else is more important then her. Every time I'm around her I tell her how much I love her and how it breaks my heart to see her upset with me so now she just refuses to see me. This year she asked me not to get her anything for Christmas or her birthday which is the week before Christmas. All she wants is for me to give up my rights so her step mom can adopt her. I refuse to force her to spend time with me. I know it will make her hate me more since she literally is a mini me. All this on my mind is hurting me and my new marriage as well as her. So my question is this... Do I keep hurting her and myself by not giving in or do I give in and let her step mom adopt her but destroy myself in the end? I can't see any healthy way out of this.

Link to comment

You don't need lawyers to petition the courts regarding custody and child support. You need to enlist the help of social services and provide a suitable home environment. Make sure you are employed and do not have legal or substance problems. Stop talking to him. In fact petition for supervised visitation. If he was a monster to you imagine what he is doing to her.

I can't afford a lawyer at this time so I argue with him, without her present, and fight trying to get her more often.
Link to comment

I am employed, no substance problems. Happily remarried to a wonderful man who has 3 adult children and 4( soon to be 5) grandchildren. I pay child support every month. Our agreement is joint custody with him having physical which I gave up physical because I was homeless at the time of our final divorce. The ex husband is a cop and gets free lawyers from the fop. I however would have to pay for one which I cant afford( my husband can without a problem). The issue is I don't want to force her. Ive talked with lawyers who have all said I have enough to charge him with content of court. I'm sure with all the things he did to me that he has done to her when she was younger. She is now almost 10 and very mature for her age. I see how she is with him and she is very happy with him and his wife. I just dont know what to do about her practically begging me to let her step mom adopt her. 4 years ago I had to have a hysterectomy due to cancer so my daughter is my only biological child and she is my world. Ive been strict to a point as in only letting her watch tv or play on her tablet for a set time before her and I would go outside to play which her father and step mother do as well. I just don't want to give up my rights with their "promise" of me seeing her when I dont get to do so now according to my court agreement. But I dont want her to hate me more then she already does by dragging her and her father to court to force her to visit with me.

Link to comment

Stop making excuses. You're in a position to have full or at least partial custody. She is at a tender age. You are the adult. If you keep turning your back on her she will grow to resent you and possibly never forgive all the excuses you are making to fob her off on your ex and his wife.

I am employed, no substance problems. Happily remarried to a wonderful man who has 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren. I pay child support every month. She is now almost 10.
Link to comment

Tough situation, for sure. Sorry about the long road that led you here, but happy to hear you've found stability.

 

What I find hard to understand, reading all this, is what you want, what you think is best. As Wiseman has pointed out—along with lawyers you've spoken to—you have a very solid case here to get the courts involved in ensuring you see more, not less, of your daughter. While I understand it must be heartbreaking to hear your own daughter asking you to give up parental rights, the person asking you to do that is a 9-year-old—completely unaware of what all that really means, both in the immediate sense and in the "rest of her life" sense. You, on the other hand, are very much an adult.

 

Children are very impressionable, and right now it sounds like your ex and his wife have an enormous influence in terms of how she sees things—and even, in ways, how you do. With more time with you, that would shift—not in a war zone or manipulative manner, in which your daughter becomes a pawn, but in the holistic manner that comes from just spending more time around you and absorbing your energy, your care, your support. She will one day be 14, 21, 30, and as those milestones pass the story of who she is will become more clear. Assuming you are of pure heart and sound mind and ample resources, as you seem to be, I think a kid would like to know a parent stepped up, rather than away, as what we feel when we are 9 is much different than what we feel as we come into ourselves. I have a parent who stepped away, for instance, and while I genuinely believe that was the best he had to offer, it leaves a very real mark that changes shape as years pass.

 

That said, this is your life and only you know the full situation. What I can't tell is if part of you genuinely thinks your daughter would be better off without you having any parental rights, if you yourself doubt your ability to be a positive influence in her life, or if you remain a bit frightened of your ex, with your daughter now absorbing that fear passively in the way you absorbed it actively when you two were together. There is so much fear here—of going to court with your ex, of what your daughter might think of you—that I worry it's getting in the way of the biggest thing when it comes to kids and family, which is love.

Link to comment

You are correct. There is still a lot of fear for me. We have been divorced for about 6 years now. So for me im just now coming to realize who I am as a person without his influence. In a way I'm still growing as a person and I'm 38 years old. Ive always been told my heart is to big. I'm a vet tech for over 20 years, a volunteer emt and a paid emt. I'm the person that tries to save everyone else and always puts myself last. Part of me does feel she would be better without me because then she wouldn't have to worry about her father getting upset with her if she gives me affection or wants to speak to me or see my grandmother. She wouldnt have to worry about anything but her own school grades or practices for hockey or lacrosse. But then the bigger part of me says no she isnt better without me because I can teach her how to be everything her father isn't... I just know from my own situation growing up that when I was forced to go with my own mother I was upset with my grandmother for making me go but I hated my mother more. And it hurts to see that hate in her eyes, the same hate my own mother saw from me. I just can't force her to want to spend more time with me. I know I probably need to wait till she gets older and understands more and sees her father for how he truly is. I just dont know if my heart can wait that long.

Link to comment

Oh Katrina - this is a tough one and I can almost feel the pull of the conflicting forces you typed about.

 

If it were me I would set up a court date, prepare my ideal scenario and the rationale behind it, present it calmly with NO emotion (even when the ex tries to bait you and push buttons in the courtroom) and let then let the judge decide.

 

If your daughter is upset about the results in any way, then you can let her know that since mom and dad don’t agree they had to ask somebody who helps kids for a living to choose what is best, and now it’s the law that we follow the decision. Make the judge the bad guy for giving you more time with your daughter. *edit: IF that’s how your daughter frames it at first. Of course in reality nobody is a bad person for giving a mother and child the opportunity to bond.*

 

Breathe. Don’t struggle with this. Clear your mind and follow your heart and it will work out in the end. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Link to comment

Well, there are clearly a lot of live emotional wires to this whole thing, going back not only to your marriage to him but to your own childhood. That's tough.

 

Still, at some point you need to draw a line in the sand and own your own truth. Giving up parental rights while hoping she comes to understand who her father "truly is" is passive. That's you, as an adult, hoping for a child to grow into something you'd like while removing yourself from the child's life. Does't really work that way, I don't think. Her father will be, in her eyes, whoever he is. That story will change a million times over the course of her life, and hopefully, for her, it's a much better story than who he is in your eyes. Whether you remain in her life or not, your job as her mother isn't to teach her that her father is awful, but to support her in blossoming into whoever it is she'll become.

 

This moment, the way I see it, is about two things: who you want to be, in your own eyes, and what you think is the best foundation for her development as a human who, ultimately, is not an extension of you or him or his wife, but a complete individual who, at age nine, is presently very vulnerable. I get that all the paths before you are hard ones—which, as you don't need me to tell you, is sometimes how life goes. Best thing in those moments, at least in my opinion, is to actively walk the path that allows you to sleep at night and stand tall in your own skin rather than being passive and hoping life deals you a hand that allows for good sleep.

Link to comment

Have you thought about family therapy. There is a reason why she doesn't want to be with you that I think would do well to be addressed. I suspect if you take this to court, the judge would order such a thing in order to find out why she doesn't want to have visitation with you. If her father is turning her against you, that would be a good reason for her wanting to be adopted by her step mother.

 

He appears to basically have full custody anyway, do you pay him any child support? How was that finalized when you were given the two nights a week custody?

Link to comment

Yes i pay child support every month because in my state which ever parent doesn't have physical custody pays which I have no problem doing at all. The only reason I gave up physical custody is because as I said I was homeless, living in my car not eating for weeks at a time because I had lost my job at the time due to an injury and they medically terminated me. Ive even offered to pay for her hockey or lacrosse because her father has the child support going into a savings account for college. We all have talked about doing therapy which I also offered to pay for but all I ever get told is she's to busy or she's emotional because she's starting puberty or some other excuse. I had a very rough childhood which is why I stayed with the ex for as long as I did. And I do want to be able to stand up for myself and teach her how to be a good person. I'm just torn over doing what she wants versus what I want. In an ideal world we would have the relationship we used to have but its not an ideal world. And I know I shouldn't worry about the what ifs but what parent doesn't? It really doesn't help to have my family yelling at me to force her to go with me and her looking at me with hate. I would love to have her go to therapy if they would take her.

Link to comment

Get it court ordered. If you can afford all of those things you're willing to pay for then perhaps you can afford a lawyer long enough to get her to want to be with you again. For all you know they are turning her against you.

 

Failing you doing that, why not get yourself into therapy to talk to someone that can help you make a decision as to whether or not you should pursue regular custody visits with her or give her up altogether.

 

I have an Uncle whose daughter didn't want to have visits with him and his new wife. He gave her up 50 + years ago to her mom and her new husband and hasn't, to my knowledge, seen her since. He's 87 now and the daughter he had with his second wife he is very close with.

 

I wish you luck and resolution.

Link to comment

It makes sense she is so angry. Abandonment is abandonment, she is too young to consider the complications of why you chose as you did and why you weren't able to care for her on a full time basis.

She's still just a child, though you say she is mature for her age, that's a pretty common coping mechanism for kids who have had to deal with a lot at young ages. Acting more grown than you are, to protect oneself, but inside hurting badly.

 

She doesn't really hate you, she loves you, she's just steeling herself from further rejection from you. Oh I know in your heart, you feel oh I'd never ever reject my child, she's the world to me. Abandonment though is the ultimate rejection, and that cuts deeper than any I love yous or explanation can get to.

 

The only way past it is time, consistency, being there no matter what. Well this is a no matter what moment. And you will face many more.

 

Don't give up.

Link to comment

I don't have kids or much experience with kids, so not sure if my advice is good...However I would strongly advise you not to give up on your daughter. She may be infatuated with your ex's new wife, but she is only a little girl still. She might just have fantasies that her "New mother" is better because she lets her do XYZ. But YOU are her real mother. Keep in mind that if your ex ever divorces the new wife, she may end up not even being in your daughter's life anymore. I think you need to keep contacting your daughter as much as you can and showing her how much you love her. Stop listening to what she says e.g. "Don't get me anything for Christmas". She is just a little girl and she's being moody and a bit immature. I think you should get her something she would really like for Christmas or her Birthday. Or have a special surprise outing for her or something like that. Stop being so passive and letting your ex and his wife push you away. You have rights and you need to stand up for yourself!

Link to comment
Do I keep hurting her and myself by not giving in or do I give in and let her step mom adopt her but destroy myself in the end?

 

Never operate against your own best interests, and don't confuse a current want from your child to be a 'need'. Especially one that will last forever.

 

I'd explain to daughter that she already has the benefit of the step mom without you giving up your responsibilities as a parent who loves her. You are making room for a time in the future that she may come to recognize the difference between your desire to have been a better parent for her versus your abilities to do so at that time. Regardless of whether she ever forgives you or not, you will always be her mother and you will always be willing to keep your home and your heart open to her, no matter what.

 

From there, I'd send occasional cards and messages that I'm still thinking of her and love her, or something reminded me of her today, or whatever, and without any requests for a response.

 

There are a lot of years for her to navigate, and it's typical of children in their mid to late teens to want to break free of their current household to live with the other parent. If you remain a kind and welcoming presence in the background of her life throughout these years, she may someday want to explore a new relationship with you.

 

However, if you drop your parental rights, you'll be sending the message that you believe that it's best for her to forget about you, and that's not a good message for any kid to get, regardless of how hostile they feel toward a parent at any given time.

 

You're in this for the long haul, so stay there. You will likely thank yourself later, and so might she.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...