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Thread: Am I too sensitive?

  1. #1
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    Am I too sensitive?

    My Husband is a police officer/soldier in the reserves. Sometimes the things he says to me are borderline abusive but to him they're funny. He lacks a filter and we have gotten into really bad arguments about some of his comments.

    I think I'm getting to the point of being really worn down by his personality/comments. I'm on an antidepressant and anxiety medications. I sometimes think I'm too sensitive but I'm honestly not sure anymore and just confused.

    These are some of the things he's said to me this week alone:
    1) I bought ankle boots and he said they look like "lesbian shoes"
    2) my Mom found my lost citizenship card. The picture of me on it is when I was 9. He said wow ugly duckling but at least you're pretty now.
    3) I'm very close with my Mom. We recently moved into a new house and I don't have time to see her as I'm busy with unpacking. I vented to him that she's being a bit annoying with wanting to see me. He then told me that his buddy is divorcing his wife of 10 years because of her family being too clingy/close (I won't even get into his family)

    I need some advice and am thinking of getting some counselling to help me.

  2. #2

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    I don't think it's you, nor do you need counseling.

    Your husband needs to read a book on how to stop being an A$$HOLE! Let me guess, if you told him this he would want to fight me - right?

  3. #3
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    I agree but was curious -had he never before seen childhood pictures of you?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make an appt with a therapist privately and confidentially. Discuss everything in detail with examples as you have here.Do not discuss it with him. You are in a verbally abusive situation. "Can't take a joke" is all part of the gas-lighting and wearing you down.

    Do not entertain or wonder about his disparaging remarks or defend yourself. Leave the room or better, leave the house. Stop acting like a servant or inferior to him. Stop revolving your world around him. Do not share sensitive information with him. Start withdrawing as much as possible, Stop feeding into and rewarding his behavior.

    He doesn't "lack a filter" because he would never pull this on his superiors. You need to get your ducks in a row and be prepared to leave. He is not going to change. Stop trying to fix him.

    He knows exactly what he is doing and he does it because he gets away with it. Can you imagine him saying any of this to his friends, family, colleagues or people he respects? Of course not. Stop minimizing or allowing people o tell you "he has no filter". That is your cognitive dissonance so you can stay in denial of all this and how little respect he has for you..
    Originally Posted by Klara
    My Husband is a police officer/soldier in the reserves. He lacks a filter and we have gotten into really bad arguments about some of his comments.

    These are some of the things he's said to me this week alone:
    1) I bought ankle boots and he said they look like "lesbian shoes"
    2) my Mom found my lost citizenship card. The picture of me on it is when I was 9. He said wow ugly duckling but at least you're pretty now.
    3) I'm very close with my Mom. We recently moved into a new house and I don't have time to see her as I'm busy with unpacking. I vented to him that she's being a bit annoying with wanting to see me. He then told me that his buddy is divorcing his wife of 10 years because of her family being too clingy/close (I won't even get into his family)
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 11-05-2019 at 01:47 PM.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    MPís 🙄

    He unfortunately, is using intimidation on you. If he is CF tell him to refer to his ď sensitivity ď training and if he needs a refresher you can inform his chain of command.

  7. #6
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    Sounds like he's just stupid - I wouldn't see him statements as abusive. I mean, when he says something annoying, tell him how rude it was, and why. Some people are clueless when they are trying to be sarcastic, but it comes out as butt-munching verbal diarrhea. Once in a while my hubs says dumb things to our neighbor. Since I totally get him, I know he's just nervous, and trying to be funny. But they go to him, "and go ," and put in him place. THe funny part is our neighbor's hubs says dumb stuff to me all the time, but he's just trying to be funny, so knowing that, it is funny to me. Some people are so bad at sarcasm!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He is an adult and he knows full well what he is saying.

    When you are at a point where you need to take medications just to get through the day, that's your big clue that you are in an abusive relationship. Turning things back on you and telling you that it's your fault, that you are too sensitive, or that you just don't get him is all very typical blameshifting that abusers do.

    What you need to understand to the very bottom of your soul and that ALL abusers know exactly what they are doing, they mean to do it and they actually enjoy hurting people. What they do is deliberate and the only way to stop the torture and abuse is to leave.

    I'd bet good money that if you left him for good, you'd find no more need for all the medications and your anxieties and depression would disappear. Sometimes, anxiety is your body's way of telling you that you are living in a problematic and even dangerous situation and should get out.

    Btw, all victims of emotional/psychological abuse question their own sanity and perceptions. They feel confused because they are being told over and over that black is really white. All the blameshifting, gaslighting can do quite a number on your psyche where you no longer trust your judgment or feel very confident in what reality actually is or what's right and what's wrong. Confusion really stems from your gut and common sense telling you that his behavior is wrong while he is busy convincing you that you are wrong.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Totally agree with DancingF and Wiseman. OP please follow their advice. He knows exactly what he is doing.

  10. #9
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think you're being overly sensitive. It sounds to me like he just has a good sense of humor.

  11. #10
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    I'll be blunt, I don't find any of your husband's remarks even remotely funny. It's disrespectful. You are his wife, not some recruit at boot camp.

    How long have you been together and how long have you been married? Also are the bad arguments purely verbal (for example: yelling, insulting someone, etc.) or even physical (e.g. grabbing your wrist forcefully)? I'm just looking for some insight on how your husband resolves conflict and to get a clear picture of your situation.
    Last edited by greendots; 11-05-2019 at 04:04 PM.

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