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Am I too sensitive?


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My Husband is a police officer/soldier in the reserves. Sometimes the things he says to me are borderline abusive but to him they're funny. He lacks a filter and we have gotten into really bad arguments about some of his comments.

 

I think I'm getting to the point of being really worn down by his personality/comments. I'm on an antidepressant and anxiety medications. I sometimes think I'm too sensitive but I'm honestly not sure anymore and just confused.

 

These are some of the things he's said to me this week alone:

1) I bought ankle boots and he said they look like "lesbian shoes"

2) my Mom found my lost citizenship card. The picture of me on it is when I was 9. He said wow ugly duckling but at least you're pretty now.

3) I'm very close with my Mom. We recently moved into a new house and I don't have time to see her as I'm busy with unpacking. I vented to him that she's being a bit annoying with wanting to see me. He then told me that his buddy is divorcing his wife of 10 years because of her family being too clingy/close (I won't even get into his family)

 

I need some advice and am thinking of getting some counselling to help me.

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Make an appt with a therapist privately and confidentially. Discuss everything in detail with examples as you have here.Do not discuss it with him. You are in a verbally abusive situation. "Can't take a joke" is all part of the gas-lighting and wearing you down.

 

Do not entertain or wonder about his disparaging remarks or defend yourself. Leave the room or better, leave the house. Stop acting like a servant or inferior to him. Stop revolving your world around him. Do not share sensitive information with him. Start withdrawing as much as possible, Stop feeding into and rewarding his behavior.

 

He doesn't "lack a filter" because he would never pull this on his superiors. You need to get your ducks in a row and be prepared to leave. He is not going to change. Stop trying to fix him.

 

He knows exactly what he is doing and he does it because he gets away with it. Can you imagine him saying any of this to his friends, family, colleagues or people he respects? Of course not. Stop minimizing or allowing people o tell you "he has no filter". That is your cognitive dissonance so you can stay in denial of all this and how little respect he has for you..

My Husband is a police officer/soldier in the reserves. He lacks a filter and we have gotten into really bad arguments about some of his comments.

 

These are some of the things he's said to me this week alone:

1) I bought ankle boots and he said they look like "lesbian shoes"

2) my Mom found my lost citizenship card. The picture of me on it is when I was 9. He said wow ugly duckling but at least you're pretty now.

3) I'm very close with my Mom. We recently moved into a new house and I don't have time to see her as I'm busy with unpacking. I vented to him that she's being a bit annoying with wanting to see me. He then told me that his buddy is divorcing his wife of 10 years because of her family being too clingy/close (I won't even get into his family)

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Sounds like he's just stupid - I wouldn't see him statements as abusive. I mean, when he says something annoying, tell him how rude it was, and why. Some people are clueless when they are trying to be sarcastic, but it comes out as butt-munching verbal diarrhea. Once in a while my hubs says dumb things to our neighbor. Since I totally get him, I know he's just nervous, and trying to be funny. But they go to him, "and go ," and put in him place. THe funny part is our neighbor's hubs says dumb stuff to me all the time, but he's just trying to be funny, so knowing that, it is funny to me. Some people are so bad at sarcasm!

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He is an adult and he knows full well what he is saying.

 

When you are at a point where you need to take medications just to get through the day, that's your big clue that you are in an abusive relationship. Turning things back on you and telling you that it's your fault, that you are too sensitive, or that you just don't get him is all very typical blameshifting that abusers do.

 

What you need to understand to the very bottom of your soul and that ALL abusers know exactly what they are doing, they mean to do it and they actually enjoy hurting people. What they do is deliberate and the only way to stop the torture and abuse is to leave.

 

I'd bet good money that if you left him for good, you'd find no more need for all the medications and your anxieties and depression would disappear. Sometimes, anxiety is your body's way of telling you that you are living in a problematic and even dangerous situation and should get out.

 

Btw, all victims of emotional/psychological abuse question their own sanity and perceptions. They feel confused because they are being told over and over that black is really white. All the blameshifting, gaslighting can do quite a number on your psyche where you no longer trust your judgment or feel very confident in what reality actually is or what's right and what's wrong. Confusion really stems from your gut and common sense telling you that his behavior is wrong while he is busy convincing you that you are wrong.

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I'll be blunt, I don't find any of your husband's remarks even remotely funny. It's disrespectful. You are his wife, not some recruit at boot camp.

 

How long have you been together and how long have you been married? Also are the bad arguments purely verbal (for example: yelling, insulting someone, etc.) or even physical (e.g. grabbing your wrist forcefully)? I'm just looking for some insight on how your husband resolves conflict and to get a clear picture of your situation.

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My Husband is a police officer/soldier in the reserves. Sometimes the things he says to me are borderline abusive but to him they're funny. He lacks a filter and we have gotten into really bad arguments about some of his comments.

 

I think I'm getting to the point of being really worn down by his personality/comments. I'm on an antidepressant and anxiety medications. I sometimes think I'm too sensitive but I'm honestly not sure anymore and just confused.

 

These are some of the things he's said to me this week alone:

1) I bought ankle boots and he said they look like "lesbian shoes"

2) my Mom found my lost citizenship card. The picture of me on it is when I was 9. He said wow ugly duckling but at least you're pretty now.

3) I'm very close with my Mom. We recently moved into a new house and I don't have time to see her as I'm busy with unpacking. I vented to him that she's being a bit annoying with wanting to see me. He then told me that his buddy is divorcing his wife of 10 years because of her family being too clingy/close (I won't even get into his family)

 

I need some advice and am thinking of getting some counselling to help me.

 

They're very stupid and insensitive comments, OP. There are low brain waves on the other end.

I can't even take them seriously or in a sinister way because the IQ and wit is lacking so badly. This is very unfortunate considering you're married and would seem to have a lifetime together with this dull commentary. My concern is really your exposure to his stupidity.

 

As you're married, I agree with the counselling or therapy to help you rebuild your self-esteem. You seem very broken by his comments. Do you have low self-esteem in the first place?

 

Try and keep the comments about your parents or relatives out of the negative sphere even with your spouse.

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I'll be blunt, I don't find any of your husband's remarks even remotely funny. It's disrespectful. You are his wife, not some recruit at boot camp.

 

How long have you been together and how long have you been married? Also are the bad arguments purely verbal (for example: yelling, insulting someone, etc.) or even physical (e.g. grabbing your wrist forcefully)? I'm just looking for some insight on how your husband resolves conflict and to get a clear picture of your situation.

I would also ask if he has been on deployment or course recently . That tends to bring out “ you’re my troop” mentality.

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I don't think it's you, nor do you need counseling.

 

Your husband needs to read a book on how to stop being an A$$HOLE! Let me guess, if you told him this he would want to fight me - right?

 

Thank you. I don't think it's me deep down inside either. I told him a hundred times he needs to go speak to someone about this. These comments come out of no where. They take me by surprise. I've just stopped being happy because I never know when he'll open his stupid mouth. He wouldn't dare say this to one of his friends though, but his wife.... absolutely.

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Thank you. I don't think it's me deep down inside either. I told him a hundred times he needs to go speak to someone about this. These comments come out of no where. They take me by surprise. I've just stopped being happy because I never know when he'll open his stupid mouth. He wouldn't dare say this to one of his friends though, but his wife.... absolutely.

 

Why do you stay? Do you have kids?

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That's because he likes to ambush you with his "humor". Which as you correctly identified, is actually verbal/mental abuse. This has nothing to do with his military service or law enforcement profession. It has to do with sadistic tenancies and getting a hoot out of your obvious distress. Of course he doesn't do this to others.

 

Do not listen to people who tell you "you've got your panties in a bunch lighten up", get professional help and advice apart from and private from him. Stop telling him it bothers you. It's like providing him with a guidebook on how escalate the cruelty. Walk away. Realize being cruel is fun for him.

Thank you. I don't think it's me deep down inside either. I told him a hundred times he needs to go speak to someone about this. These comments come out of no where. They take me by surprise. I've just stopped being happy because I never know when he'll open his stupid mouth. He wouldn't dare say this to one of his friends though, but his wife.... absolutely.
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Thank you. I don't think it's me deep down inside either. I told him a hundred times he needs to go speak to someone about this. These comments come out of no where. They take me by surprise. I've just stopped being happy because I never know when he'll open his stupid mouth. He wouldn't dare say this to one of his friends though, but his wife.... absolutely.

 

Telling someone who wants to hurt you that he is actually hurting is an act of futility. You see that now right? You are basically encouraging him to carry on. Also, he doesn't act like that with others because he knows better or rather he knows there will be immediate consequences to him. In short, he knows good and well what he is doing and picks carefully who he does what to. This is not some goofy guy with an off sense of humor. If that were the case, he'd act like that with everyone with zero exceptions.

 

Stop. Talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and leave him.

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If he won't acknowledge his comments are hurtful, I think you should acknowledge your own pain and the effect it's having on your psyche and your life. Your quality of life seems very low. Most people wouldn't stand for those comments (stupid or abusive) and would dissociate or avoid individuals like this. He may even have serious misgivings about you as his wife and isn't dealing with those issues well enough.

 

Have you stopped reacting to your emotions for a second to have any sort of civilized discussion with him rather than telling him to get help every time he makes a comment? That can be interpreted as passive aggressive and a bit resentful on your part.

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I think you're being overly sensitive. It sounds to me like he just has a good sense of humor and your panties are in a wad. :)

 

Are you serious, Sarah? What he tells her is downright hurtful and insulting, IMO. He may put it in the form of a joke but it's not funny nor amusing in any way. Like one poster said, he is an a$$hole. She apparently bought those boots because she like them. He should have kept his big mouth shut. What's the saying? Oh yeah, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

 

He certainly sounds like a disrespectful, thoughtless and unsophisticated individual.

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The only way to let him see that his comments are rude, is turn it on him. When he made comment about your boots, you should have told him right there, what he said was rude, and it would be no different than you calling his boots that gay guys would wear. That will snap him out of it. That comment about his friend going through a divorce, blaming it on a clingy family...you could have said "Oh I doubt that's the reason...probably because he a total jerk and his wife smartened up and ask him for a divorce." Throw it right back at him.

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I agree with throwing it back at him. When he says your boots look like lesbian shoes, just say "Yeah, after being married to you, I'm thinking about playing for the other side."

 

Come on. His comments are stupid, not abusive and psychopathic.

 

Just tonight I put on a pair of printed tights to go out, and when I asked my husband how I looked he said, "They look like pajamas." I didn't rush into therapy over it. I figured he was right and changed.

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Totally agree with DancingF and Wiseman. OP please follow their advice. He knows exactly what he is doing.

 

I agree as well. Trust me, he knows exactly what he is doing. Sounds like my ex. They make these moronic remarks in order to make themselves feel superior at our expense.

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