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Thread: Great first date but an unpleasant finding, now what?

  1. #1
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    Great first date but an unpleasant finding, now what?

    I met up with a girl over the weekend I met via OLD. We hit it off almost immediately. We ended up having several drinks at a couple different bars and she surprisingly invited me back to her place. We made out a lot, the clothes came off and there was some hand stuff, but no oral sex or sexual intercourse. I'm not a promiscuous guy, in fact, I've never gone this far on a first date ever. Anyway, I end up staying the night at her place. It all just felt right.

    Then, in the middle of the night, I have to go to the bathroom. As I'm taking a pee, I look over at the trash can which is next to the toilet. I'm half asleep but atop this overflowing trash can, I notice what appears to be a used condom and its wrapper. I instantly felt pretty disgusted by the finding, given that it was not a condom I had used. I wanted to leave immediately but spent a few sleepless hours toiling before leaving at the first reasonable opportunity.

    During those hours of toiling, my mind went to all kinds of dark places about the type of sex life she may have. I felt very fortunate things didn't progress beyond where they did. I'm very precautions about my sexual health, hence why I didn't try to push things any further and have never had a one night stand. As a single lady, she obviously has every right to pursue her sexual endeavors. Obviously, this was something that happened before we even met and I can't really judge a situation I know nothing about, but nonetheless it made me feel very weird. Certainly, these situations are probably common but just not as blatant. Generally, I avoid a sexual relationship until a level of exclusivity is established.

    I really just needed to get this out of my head as I've been ruminating about it for days. The date was overall really great but I feel a bit uncomfortable now. I don't know what to do now. I thought about seeing her again and if things get physical, discussing my boundaries regarding sex/exclusivity. I always have a hard time with these discussions even though its the responsible thing to do. Thoughts?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What bothers you more that you didn't get as far or that she doesn't take out her trash too often?

    Given the way this unfolded:
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    We ended up having several drinks at a couple different bars and she surprisingly invited me back to her place. We made out a lot, the clothes came off and there was some hand stuff, but no oral sex or sexual intercourse.
    This should not come as a surprise:
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I notice what appears to be a used condom and its wrapper. I instantly felt pretty disgusted by the finding, given that it was not a condom I had used.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What bothers you more that you didn't get as far or that she doesn't take out her trash too often?

    Given the way this unfolded:This should not come as a surprise:

    Thanks for your reply. I wish things hadn't even gone that far. I don't disagree, but not really any helpful advice.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Well if you are this upset by it don't ask her out again, but if you want to pursue it, then yes have the sexually exclusive conversation.
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I don't disagree, but not really any helpful advice.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You should discuss your expectations and not necessarily your boundaries. Semantics, I know, but there's a bit of a difference there. Keep it light and be honest about what your expectations are and what you're looking for while dating. Is it exclusivity? Is it a monogamous relationship? It's better at this point to discuss what you are looking for as opposed to getting too detailed about what you're not looking for. Don't become negative. Don't overexplain yourself or get overly detailed/worked up about what you found. Stay away from all that and keep things light but stay firm in your mind what you can and can't do. At this point you owe each other very little explanation so keep things simple.

    I would stay away from any conversation regarding what you found in the bin. If you really do feel pressed to discuss it and it's bothering you badly, you can mention it without sounding accusatory. If you don't trust her overall or find you're not getting along personality-wise, stop seeing her. Use your own judgment.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You should discuss your expectations and not necessarily your boundaries. Semantics, I know, but there's a bit of a difference there. Keep it light and be honest about what your expectations are and what you're looking for while dating. Is it exclusivity? Is it a monogamous relationship? It's better at this point to discuss what you are looking for as opposed to getting too detailed about what you're not looking for. Don't become negative. Don't overexplain yourself or get overly detailed/worked up about what you found. Stay away from all that and keep things light but stay firm in your mind what you can and can't do. At this point you owe each other very little explanation so keep things simple.

    I would stay away from any conversation regarding what you found in the bin. If you really do feel pressed to discuss it and it's bothering you badly, you can mention it without sounding accusatory. If you don't trust her overall or find you're not getting along personality-wise, stop seeing her. Use your own judgment.
    I appreciate the advice. I guess discussing what I'm looking for gets the point across without any judgement towards her. Again, I'm a bit of an anxious person. There could be numerous reasons she had a recent sex partner: a recent breakup, occasional one night stand, back sliding with an ex, FWB, etc. Really impossible to know and seems impossible to ask about.

    Better questions might be, should I let this bother me? Does it have to look so bad? Should I feel bad about it?

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It seems that you kind of can't help but judge her—and yourself—in a negative light after this experience. Yes, you know she has every right to do what she wants, that whatever the story is with that condom is an acceptable human story that predated you, yet you're deeply unnerved, weirded out, which just isn't a great platform for early romance.

    I can't help but wonder if, even if the condom wasn't discovered, you would have found yourself ruminating about whether that was something she "always does" on first dates, given that you prefaced this whole thing by explaining that you're not a "promiscuous guy." Seems you think the other night was a bit "promiscuous" on both your parts—a negative self-judgement that extends to her?

    That said, if you're still interested in her, believe you can be more curious and accepting than suspicious—well, see her again. Chat about who you are, how you operate, what you expect from romance, what you're looking for in dating. That's what it's all about, the planting of the seeds that sometimes blossom into exclusivity, and sometimes don't. Doesn't have to be a heavy summit, more of a confident expression of a personal truth that predated you knowing her. She can express her own. You can see how you feel: calm and excited, or edgy and wary—and proceed from there.

    That said, perhaps moving forward, be it with her or in general, the thing to do is wait a little longer before going back to someone's house? Seems you see that alone to be a bit taboo, and if that has the affect of you becoming suspicious about a woman it's best to hold off. Better to have any form of an "exclusivity" chat when you're chatting inside your comfort zone—which will be different for everyone—rather than retroactively trying to make an uncomfortable moment feel comfortable.

    As for your question about whether this "should" bother you and how you "should" feel about it—well, I don't think that can really be answered. You feel the way you feel, which is okay. I would likely feel different in your shoes, but I'm me, you're you, she's she. I don't think the goal of dating is to learn on the fly not to be bothered by things that bother you, but to find people who, on the fly, make you feel excited and secure.

    There's no real harm, at this stage, in either seeing her again or deciding this unfortunate moment is too much. Either of those choices, I think, are better than spinning around in your head about it all. Keep getting to know her, or don't, and your questions will be answered organically.

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    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Look at it his way... at least you didn't see it AFTER you had sex with her!!!

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I have a different point of view and I'm not going to hide my opinions on these kinds of things.

    She sounds very promiscuous. And she sounds very fast moving with little to no morals

    The fact that she couldn't even be bothered to take the trash out from the last man she had sex with (which by the way could have very well been the day before) is quite gross.
    I mean, geez,,,have some kind of class.

    Do I think it's a deal breaker? Well..if you're looking for a loose woman who jumps into bed with everyone and anyone and you only want a good time, then she's your girl.

    But if you're looking for a clean woman who is very careful on who she beds and wants a serious relationship, then this is absolutely a deal breaker.

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I have a different point of view and I'm not going to hide my opinions on these kinds of things.

    She sounds very promiscuous. And she sounds very fast moving with little to no morals

    The fact that she couldn't even be bothered to take the trash out from the last man she had sex with (which by the way could have very well been the day before) is quite gross.
    I mean, geez,,,have some kind of class.

    Do I think it's a deal breaker? Well..if you're looking for a loose woman who jumps into bed with everyone and anyone and you only want a good time, then she's your girl.

    But if you're looking for a clean woman who is very careful on who she beds and wants a serious relationship, then this is absolutely a deal breaker.
    I agree with this.

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