Tell me this is “normal”

[abitbroken]

He said he was separated on his way to divorce in his online dating profile. I didn’t ask how long he had been separated and out of the house with his wife until date 3 (he moved out 5 months ago). I had been in a previous actual relationship with someone who was separated and had lived apart from his wife for two years and the divorce wasn’t done because of financial issues. My ex hadn’t dated for a solid year after leaving the house. So that didn’t immediately put me off but maybe it should. Then I remembered this guy made a remark about how he hadn’t been trying to date until now, and in hindsight, he might be very much emotionally unavailable.

as a rule of thumb, married men cannot commit and they could try to reconcile with their wife at any time. He's not only simply emotionally unavailable.

[Batya33]

He said he was separated on his way to divorce in his online dating profile. I didn’t ask how long he had been separated and out of the house with his wife until date 3 (he moved out 5 months ago). I had been in a previous actual relationship with someone who was separated and had lived apart from his wife for two years and the divorce wasn’t done because of financial issues. My ex hadn’t dated for a solid year after leaving the house. So that didn’t immediately put me off but maybe it should. Then I remembered this guy made a remark about how he hadn’t been trying to date until now, and in hindsight, he might be very much emotionally unavailable.

Separated=still married. Look up Dr. Joy Browne's one year rule -she explains separated v. divorced as well as how long to wait to date after the divorce is final -even for 'just" financial reasons. Financial reasons very often is not "just" and many people need time to be legally single before dating -it's not just technical just like marriage vows are often legal/technical but they're far from a "piece of paper". Leaving the house just means they're not physically together. She's still his wife, he's a married man.

[bluecastle]

as a rule of thumb, married men cannot commit and they could try to reconcile with their wife at any time. He's not only simply emotionally unavailable.

I think there are plenty of exceptions to this rule—as Rose described, in her own life story, and I could certainly pull plenty of examples from my peer group as well as my own life—to the point where to say that "separated" equals automatic "unavailability" just doesn't quite work.

I'd say the more general rule of thumb is that you're not going to know how genuinely "available" anyone is emotionally for a few months, just like you won't know how genuinely compatible you are, regardless of where they are in their life story and what kind of sparks fly. That's the inherent risk. And, yes, someone 5 months separated and making note that he's just getting back out there is a higher risk than normal.

I just wouldn't overthink this too much. You were just getting back out there, and maybe found comfort in someone else who was just getting back out there. What happened happened. Short-lived comfort, in this case, but not a life catastrophe. There is information in all that, which you can metabolize as you see fit. Maybe that means no more separated men, or moving at a different pace, or whatever works for you.

[figureitout23]

Wonderful stuff, all that. But also not quite what you led with, by which I don't mean sex but the story you were telling yourself when meeting him: tough breakup, time for some fun, and so on. No biggie. Sometimes we tell ourselves half-true stories to get to the real truth, and sometimes it takes a little moment like this to realize what we truly really want in "getting back out there."

Being probably more analytical than this encounter warrants, I can't help but wonder if his being recently separated was kind of a plus initially, in that it made him a kind of "shallow" pool to wade into after being on land for a bit. Could only get so serious, and so on. No judgement, if so. The first person I was imitate with after my last breakup lived 3,000 miles away, rendering her "semi" available at best, which I'm sure appealed to me subconsciously while quickly proving (like in days) to be at odds with what I authentically wanted.

There's nothing wrong with you, in short, and nothing wrong with him. He's just a man on the planet who you hardly know, and as such should carry zero influence in your life and how you view yourself.

I agree with jman and blue, especially this post.

You described yourself as unavailable, casual, unsure of what you wanted then the second someone else showed the same indifference, the yarn began to unravel.

Because truly at the end of the day what you were telling yourself wasn’t true, you weren’t looking for casual you were looking to be well... fixed and instead you’ve been set back even more.

Blue once said before, dating isn’t CrossFit, I said I was gonna add it to the hall of fame, I forgot, but it fits this scenario.

You were playing Russian roulette with your emotions. Sure every now and again it works but is it worth the risk of the aftermath of failing?

I’ve learned no.

Unfortunately I also had to learn the hard way.

Sorry.

[Rose Mosse]

I appreciate the more even approach with room for different stories and backgrounds. I'd be more cautious of the five month mark (five months separation). If you sense that anyone is insincere or inconsistent in the way he/she treats you, it's a bad sign. The problem is this guy was inconsistent with you.

Since this person disappeared so quickly or went MIA and has caused you to feel these things so early on, I'd treat it exactly the way that it appears. Whatever the reasons, it wasn't enough (circumstantial or personal). Whatever the outcome, it is what it is. It's also ok to feel slighted and a little annoyed if you are. It seemed things were going ok and then it wasn't. Don't feel too discouraged. Pick yourself up and carry on meeting new people.

[Batya33]

I agree with jman and blue, especially this post.

You described yourself as unavailable, casual, unsure of what you wanted then the second someone else showed the same indifference, the yarn began to unravel.

Because truly at the end of the day what you were telling yourself wasn’t true, you weren’t looking for casual you were looking to be well... fixed and instead you’ve been set back even more.

Blue once said before, dating isn’t CrossFit, I said I was gonna add it to the hall of fame, I forgot, but it fits this scenario.

You were playing Russian roulette with your emotions. Sure every now and again it works but is it worth the risk of the aftermath of failing?

I’ve learned no.

Unfortunately I also had to learn the hard way.

Sorry.

Yes and so in this case dating a married man -especially newly separated from his wife - in your specific situation and with your mindset probably wasn't a good idea. Sure there are exceptions -one night stands that lead to happy marriages -or in Rose's case her husband was still married when they got together and now they are happily married - I think there are more happy marriages resulting from one night stands than where one of the people is still married at the time they start dating - but why take that kind of risk especially when you're meeting people through on line sites - it's harder not to take the chance when you're already close friends with a person in real life, for example.

[Wiseman2]

Are you being true to yourself? You say you wanted "fun" but now are hurt and state "you're not built for casual". You claim he's emotionally unavailable, but you're chasing after married men who clearly still have contact with their wives and are very freshly out there.

Then you're worried about being 'good enough in bed" but want to fast forward that only to feel hurt and worried afterward.

Dating will be very confusing when you yourself are this confused about who you are and what you want. Try to rule out red flags in the beginning, not the end.

He said he was separated on his way to divorce in his online dating profile. I didn’t ask how long he had been separated and out of the house with his wife until date 3 . I remembered this guy made a remark about how he hadn’t been trying to date until now, and in hindsight, he might be very much emotionally unavailable.

[catfeeder]

I’m not built for casual anyway—I am sensitive and kind and want a real connection.

Good observation, and really important. Once I got clarity that I'm relationship material, I stated that up front upon meeting and I asked whether my potential date viewed himself the same way. I screened out anyone who was fresh out of a breakup, still separated, or didn't know what he wanted. I stopped 'going along' with any unspoken 'flow', and I didn't overlook anything about the guy that I 'hoped would change' once he got to know me.

Most importantly, I recognized that I know myself well enough to know that I bond when I'm sexual. So I invested the time to get to know who, exactly, I'd be bonding WITH, where I stood with him--and where I wanted to stand. If a guy wouldn't want to stick around long enough to learn about me as a human, then that in itself was a great screening device.

This is far, far easier on the psyche than sleeping first, asking questions later.

Most people are NOT our match. Once I grasped that this is natural odds, I could relax and date to learn instead of dating to 'convert' anyone. I passed on wrong matches early rather than latching on in the hope that something magical would change him into a good one. That doesn't work--it's all ego. When it fails, it's an ego knock instead of pride in learning discretion.

I'd turn this around to consider it a useful lesson in self awareness and a platform for screening out anyone who is separated rather than divorced. Doesn't matter how long someone's been separated--they have not stabilized solo until long after the final papers are signed. So never sign up to be a casualty of that. Offer instead that you like him and would like to hear from him after his divorce if you're still available then.

Head high.

[kvolm2016]

Seems like all these replies should validate your thought that this is normal. Since you found him to be desirable are you thinking you will pursue a conversation with him or are you deciding to let this go?