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Thread: Should I set a boundary or is there no hope?

  1. #31
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    Lol - ok, letís say I agree. Where was I grossly negligent in terms of boundary setting?

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by markoutsis
    Lol - ok, letís say I agree. Where was I grossly negligent in terms of boundary setting?
    But you do not agree. you believe you intellectually understand all angles, you are the more mature of the two and simply want her to act a certain way.

    Boundaries are something you have for yourself and enforce for yourself - not something you act like a first grade teacher and set for her.
    Your good boudaries should have prevented you from even considering moving in.


    Here's an example. Maybe a very broad one:
    If someone is not cool with people smoking in their face, then you don't accept a date from a smoker rather than complaining they are smoking behind your back and you tell guests it is not allowed in your home. If someone comes and wants to smoke and try to pull "i'll just sit near the window" you cut their visit short or escort them to the end of the driveway where they may smoke. And you meet smoking friends elsewhere or not at all if they grumble or they refuse to honor your boundary

    The person with bad boundaries would "not feel they can say anything" when the person lights up in their home, and then trashtalks the smoker behind their back or dates a smoker hoping they will change, or tries it themselves.

  3. #33
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    You don't want to hear this, but if you have clear boundaries about not dating someone where exes are in the picture (unless they have a kid together or they work together and they dated in 8th grade and there is no romantic interest after) , you don't date them. You find someone else with similar boundaries to you

  4. #34
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    Would love to see you enforce boundaries in your social interactions.

    Despite the general resentment that transcends these forums some have been quite helpful. Thank you!

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  6. #35
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    I can't tell you where, exactly, negligence occurred. It kind of seems like "boundaries" are more of a concept baked into this relationship rather than actual things that protect the relationship, kind of like floating out to sea on a loosely "bound" pile of logs and seeing if you can build a boat in deep water, rather than building the boat on dry land before setting out.

    As abitbroken well-articulated, boundaries are personal. You have yours, I have mine, our girlfriends have theirs. There will be differences. Generally speaking, relationships function when (a) those differences are not extreme and (b) two people can communicate their personal boundaries to each other, and make small adjustments to create mutual boundaries that allow their connection to grow, securely.

    They are very easy to "enforce," in other words, when you know what they are. Does that make sense?

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by markoutsis
    Would love to see you enforce boundaries in your social interactions.

    Despite the general resentment that transcends these forums some have been quite helpful. Thank you!
    People only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. I am not talking about a random stranger who rear ends you, or the bank teller who had a bad day and is short with you.

    For example, someone in another thread lamented how their girlfriend didn't show she respected him by losing track of time, having a house mate monopolize her time and so forth.

    So you set a boundary after 20 times the person always stands you up or is super late.== you set up a time you both agree to. "i know you tend to have things pop up at the last minute. That's your choice. But my rear will be in the seat of the theater at 9:00 when the previews start. So you wait in the lobby, and they are not there after waiting until the previews start, you go sit down like you said. After a time or two, they will either wake up and decide they better hustle so they don't miss the beginning of the movie or they won't - but either way YOU are where you wanted to be. And they learn how to treat you and they don't make you wait.

    I know that is a small beans issue compared to your girlfriends.

    I think that you are trying to make yourself compatible with someone you are not.

    you cannot assert her boundaries for her.

    you can respect her by not snooping in her phone.

    these men are not interfering with your relationship - she is by entertaining them which she continues to do.
    This is her. She is a wounded bird with daddy issues.
    You are either cool with the way she is, or decide that you are worth more than this kind of treatment.

    Ultimatums are also boundaries - but a boundary at the end of its rope. you can calmly tell her that you are the type of person that cuts contact with exes and although she is free to talk with who she chooses, if she continues to lead these men on, you are going to seek other arrangments. Honestly, to me, its not worth drawing a line because there will just be another inappropriate friendship around the corner she will somehow finding attracted to her

  8. #37
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    Honestly, my examples are lame because when my guy and i met, we talked about boundaries right off the bat. We didn't call them that. We talked about we weren't looking for flings, we were both looking for the same dating style (getting to know someone in hopes of eventual longterm/marriage), we figured out neither of us holds on to exes (he asked specifically how long was i divorced, do i stay in touch with him, etc.), and all sorts of stuff to weed eachother out if any of the big stuff wasn't compatible. kids/no kids/communication with our families. It seems that you were just sexually attracted and scooped her up and are finding out all sorts of murky stuff after 12 weeks of her charming you. this sort of thing would have been a no-go and a NEXT but its harder to unravel if you moved her in already --- but not impossible.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    this sort of thing would have been a no-go and a NEXT but its harder to unravel if you moved her in already --- but not impossible.
    To clarify: i mean hard to unravel form her, not unravel her mystery.

    Sometimes we try to fit a square peg in a round hole. But you need to explore your case of white knight syndrome so you do not just continue to go from one wounded bird or damsel to another

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