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Thread: Should I set a boundary or is there no hope?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    This picture is very crowded with so many men in her life. It's odd, strange, weird and abnormal. You should be the only man in her life, exclusive and she needs to focus on you. Most couple have boundaries with others. She does not.

    I'd have a long conversation with her about this in person without any distractions whatsoever. Turn the phones off, no TV, background noise, music and the like. Let it be quiet.

    Tell her it's time to focus on each other instead of these extra men in her life. She needs to let them go permanently. Those men have their own lives which they need to concentrate on as well.

    When my husband and I were dating, we were IT. My husband didn't have extra women in his life nor did I have extra men in my life either. We worked hard and spent time with each other whenever we weren't working, enjoyed our social life together and it was normal. Try that with your girlfriend. It's ok to have friends as long as there are enforced healthy boundaries taking place.

  2. #22
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    Cherylyn - I agree with you. And she will too. We spend a lot of time with each other; when not working, we are together, we do have common friends at this point and take vacations together. If I want to do something with my guy friends I do it and she’ll find something to do with her friends as well.

    There are however these people I have mentioned from her past (2 that I know of, one being an old friend who she cares for) that are just there and we both know have feelings for her. I don’t understand why it can’t be made clear to them what their place in her life is now that I am her chosen partner. I get conflict avoidance but when one insists there has to be a more direct approach otherwise you run the risk of alienating your partner.

    Someone who you have no interest in, not required to do business with, or have to see due to a common circle or friends and family should be put in their place when refer to your significant other as: “Mr Right Now”. This comment is degrading to the woman and her relationship and makes me feel like she doesn’t value what we have.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you using this thread as a tool to apply more "therapy" to this situation?
    Originally Posted by markoutsis
    I agree with you. And she will too.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Find out who she values more, then. Give her an ultimatum for your reasonable request, and be prepared to stand by it.

    A quote from an article I just read: "Healing is our responsibility because every great person you deeply admire began with every odd against them, and learned their inner power was no match for the worst of what life could offer."

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Because she doesn't want it to be that way. She's not stupid nor avoiding conflict, just ignoring you and doing whatever she wants. Keep in mind you grossly overestimate your importance in her life after what...40 weeks of dating?

    When you get things in perspective this will all make sense. You'll stop viewing this as a ten year marriage and more for what it really is. A crash landing into a house-playing situation after knowing each other 120 DAYS.
    Originally Posted by markoutsis
    I don’t understand why it can’t be made clear to them what their place in her life is now that I am her chosen partner.

  7. #26
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    Okay - here's the deal. you should date someone where you are both on the same page about boundaries on the big stuff --- its the little insignificant things that you fine tune. Someone who moves on from exes with no contact doesn't live happily with someone who 'collects" them and is close with all of them, for example. its not about drawing a line in the sand, but choosing wisely. This woman sounds like a spectator in her own life. Or she really WANTS all this attention/was the one who keeps initiating with the guys but wants to shift blame.

    You have poor boundaries yourself because you rushed to live with her too soon. The answer to a lease ending is to apartment hunt or advertise for a female roommate - but within 12 weeks shack up to "rescue" her from any decison making.

  8. #27
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    What is meant by “collecting”?

    What is the appropriate time before two people move in together?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by markoutsis
    Cherylyn - I agree with you. And she will too. We spend a lot of time with each other; when not working, we are together, we do have common friends at this point and take vacations together. If I want to do something with my guy friends I do it and she’ll find something to do with her friends as well.

    There are however these people I have mentioned from her past (2 that I know of, one being an old friend who she cares for) that are just there and we both know have feelings for her. I don’t understand why it can’t be made clear to them what their place in her life is now that I am her chosen partner. I get conflict avoidance but when one insists there has to be a more direct approach otherwise you run the risk of alienating your partner.

    Someone who you have no interest in, not required to do business with, or have to see due to a common circle or friends and family should be put in their place when refer to your significant other as: “Mr Right Now”. This comment is degrading to the woman and her relationship and makes me feel like she doesn’t value what we have.
    I'm still curious how you know about this comment. Is she telling you this, or are you looking through her messages? I ask because it's pretty clear that neither of you really understands what boundaries are, in terms of your authentic personal boundaries or what kind of boundaries you each need for a relationship to work. I'm just trying to figure out who is crossing what lines.

    It's really so simple—or would be, if you could communicate this clearly rather than coddle it through "communication." I can't help but feel that what you suspect, deep in your core, is that she is not quite capable at the moment of shedding these habits. Whether it is a thirst for attention or a deeply passive approach to the business of living, it's how she operates, right now, so your best alternative to getting what you really want so to turn it into a puzzle.

  10. #29
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    Bluecastle - why do you believe that neither of us knows anything about boundaries?

    The answer to your question is that she showed me.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by markoutsis
    Bluecastle - why do you believe that neither of us knows anything about boundaries?

    The answer to your question is that she showed me.
    neither of you have good boundaries.

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