Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 32

Thread: How to get out of being a bridesmaid?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Age
    30
    Posts
    15,368
    Gender
    Female

    How to get out of being a bridesmaid?

    I had a friend get engaged several months ago. I guess I should put friend in quotes but I've always had some issues with her but she's kind of crazy so I do my best to keep my distance. We aren't super close but she has this idea that she's my only friend in the world (not true) so while she's a social butterfly and doesn't invite me to things (and I don't invite her to my things), she says things like "I'm your best friend..." as a way to try and have an in with me. Just another example of how she's manipulative.

    Anyway, she got engaged to her longterm boyfriend. I said congrats and then she started begging me to be a BM. I really didn't want to do it, and I told her as such, told her that I'm not good at participating in things like these and it's not really to my liking but she NAGGED and NAGGED and it wore me down. It's not like she doesn't have other friends. I was stupid and I caved. I said yes and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt regret.

    Wedding is over a year away. The only thing I've done is show up at a bridal store. The only dress suggestion I had for her, which I personally felt was classy yet understated, ended being THE DRESS. Well, s__t, how am I going to get out of this one?

    Anyway, I am not sure how I can get out of this one, if I even can. I can't use the $$ excuse as we both make good money now. I could easily afford it. She hints about wanting to set me up and I've told her MULTIPLE TIMES that I do not want that and that if she tries to do that, I will leave early. She has no idea what I like in men and her judgment is poor. I don't have a lot of faith in her future marriage anyway because they disagree on major issues and love to gaslight each other into dysfunction.

    If I could excise her from my life without consequence, I would. But it's not currently possible at this time. Until I switch positions this could actually affect my job because she sees me there and has the ability to poison the watering hole for me. We DID NOT meet at work, I assure you, I don't make work friends. She got a new job that's closer to me. So that's why I can't just tell her to screw off. I've wanted to at times but I've held my tongue.

    In the past, when I was going through hard times and she knew but didn't know WHAT they were, she would show up suddenly at my apartment without warning and ask probing questions, peppered with "I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything". Gives me the creeps. Anyway, just more background info.

    I guess this turned into a vent but I am looking for advice.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Florida Panhandle
    Posts
    801
    Gender
    Female
    How exactly does this woman have the power of 'poisoning the water' for you at work?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,892
    Gender
    Male
    Being asked to be in a bridal party is an invitation not a subpoena. One that you can and should decline. As politely as possible simply state that you can not fulfill whatever obligations and could be a just a guest instead. The sooner the better. Do not stall so they can pick other people for this. It's that simple.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Age
    30
    Posts
    15,368
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    How exactly does this woman have the power of 'poisoning the water' for you at work?
    She is a big s__t talker and she has started picking up some shifts in the one area I work in, amongst others. I found out recently after she worked there that she was going around asking everyone about me and dropping my name around. She was asking specific things about me, how I work, etc. It was like she was trying to dig up stuff.

    Thankfully, I am not close with any coworker so they couldn't tell her anything.

    The experience told me that if I made her angry, she could really do some damage if she wanted to.

    I'm dreading this stupid wedding but the fear of her possibly badmouthing me at work and making my work life harder solely by that may mean I need to suck it up and go along with it.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,458
    Gender
    Female
    How valuable is this job to you, and might it be a good time to find another one, anyway?

    If so, this might be the push you need to make a change.

    I'm big on translating life events into awareness-builders. I'd use this time to consider all the changes I want to make in my life so that this experience becomes less about escaping what I DON'T want, and more about moving toward what I DO want.

    Head high, and hang in there, Fudgie.

  7. #6
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Florida Panhandle
    Posts
    801
    Gender
    Female
    It's obvious that you have nothing in common with this woman and that any association you have with her is likely to be negative.

    I think you should nip this right in the bud. Be honest with her. Tell her that you feel the need to distance yourself from her because you don't feel you have much in common anymore. Also tell her that you can no longer be her bridesmaid, and offer to pay for any inconvenience you may have caused her.

    Ignore her attempts to talk trash about you in the aftermath. IF it gets bad, you can always inform the management about what's going on. There's no point in allowing this woman to hang on to your life when you don't want her.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,031
    Gender
    Female
    I agree with SarahLancaster. Tell her you cannot be in the wedding and she needs to ask someone else to take your place. Do this soon, so she has plenty of time to ask another person. You will likely get her out of your life once you tell her this as she'll be angry with you. If she causes trouble at work for you, go to your HR dept. or boss and tell them. Dont be a doormat.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,636
    Fudge, I say this with no disrespect but rather an observation:

    You seem to have a hard time asserting yourself.

    From relationships you donít want to be in to now friendships.

    I think this bridesmaid issues is the mole indicating the cancer growing.

    What I mean is itís good youíre asking for advice because there seems to be a bigger issue here.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,552
    Tell her your parents are doing their 30th, 40th, 50th wedding anniversary party the same day, and cannot make the wedding. Tell her you are really sorry, and will send a great gift.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Age
    30
    Posts
    15,368
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Fudge, I say this with no disrespect but rather an observation:

    You seem to have a hard time asserting yourself.

    From relationships you donít want to be in to now friendships.

    I think this bridesmaid issues is the mole indicating the cancer growing.

    What I mean is itís good youíre asking for advice because there seems to be a bigger issue here.
    This is an ongoing issue for me. What's weird is that I can assert myself just fine in places like work and whatnot. Why can't I do this with relationships/friendships? I spent, what, 4 years in an unsatisfying relationship, feeling stuck because unlike other relationships, there was no clear cut reason to end it?

    As for the job, I'm planning on a transfer to another place for reasons that have nothing to do with this girl. So things are in the works in regards to that.

    I agree, I need to get out of this setup. I'm thinking that once I make the transfer (in the new year) I will break the news to her, saying I can't cause I can't take time off at that time (our weeks of vacations are scheduled many many many months in advance and she knows how this works) so I won't be able to participate.

    My hope is that she will get wrapped up in the married/childed world and forget about me.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •