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How to get out of being a bridesmaid?


Fudgie

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I had a friend get engaged several months ago. I guess I should put friend in quotes but I've always had some issues with her but she's kind of crazy so I do my best to keep my distance. We aren't super close but she has this idea that she's my only friend in the world (not true) so while she's a social butterfly and doesn't invite me to things (and I don't invite her to my things), she says things like "I'm your best friend..." as a way to try and have an in with me. Just another example of how she's manipulative.

 

Anyway, she got engaged to her longterm boyfriend. I said congrats and then she started begging me to be a BM. I really didn't want to do it, and I told her as such, told her that I'm not good at participating in things like these and it's not really to my liking but she NAGGED and NAGGED and it wore me down. It's not like she doesn't have other friends. I was stupid and I caved. I said yes and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt regret.

 

Wedding is over a year away. The only thing I've done is show up at a bridal store. The only dress suggestion I had for her, which I personally felt was classy yet understated, ended being THE DRESS. Well, s__t, how am I going to get out of this one?

 

Anyway, I am not sure how I can get out of this one, if I even can. I can't use the $$ excuse as we both make good money now. I could easily afford it. She hints about wanting to set me up and I've told her MULTIPLE TIMES that I do not want that and that if she tries to do that, I will leave early. She has no idea what I like in men and her judgment is poor. I don't have a lot of faith in her future marriage anyway because they disagree on major issues and love to gaslight each other into dysfunction.

 

If I could excise her from my life without consequence, I would. But it's not currently possible at this time. Until I switch positions this could actually affect my job because she sees me there and has the ability to poison the watering hole for me. We DID NOT meet at work, I assure you, I don't make work friends. She got a new job that's closer to me. So that's why I can't just tell her to screw off. I've wanted to at times but I've held my tongue.

 

In the past, when I was going through hard times and she knew but didn't know WHAT they were, she would show up suddenly at my apartment without warning and ask probing questions, peppered with "I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything". Gives me the creeps. Anyway, just more background info.

 

I guess this turned into a vent but I am looking for advice.

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Being asked to be in a bridal party is an invitation not a subpoena. One that you can and should decline. As politely as possible simply state that you can not fulfill whatever obligations and could be a just a guest instead. The sooner the better. Do not stall so they can pick other people for this. It's that simple.

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How exactly does this woman have the power of 'poisoning the water' for you at work?

 

She is a big s__t talker and she has started picking up some shifts in the one area I work in, amongst others. I found out recently after she worked there that she was going around asking everyone about me and dropping my name around. She was asking specific things about me, how I work, etc. It was like she was trying to dig up stuff.

 

Thankfully, I am not close with any coworker so they couldn't tell her anything.

 

The experience told me that if I made her angry, she could really do some damage if she wanted to.

 

I'm dreading this stupid wedding but the fear of her possibly badmouthing me at work and making my work life harder solely by that may mean I need to suck it up and go along with it.

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How valuable is this job to you, and might it be a good time to find another one, anyway?

 

If so, this might be the push you need to make a change.

 

I'm big on translating life events into awareness-builders. I'd use this time to consider all the changes I want to make in my life so that this experience becomes less about escaping what I DON'T want, and more about moving toward what I DO want.

 

Head high, and hang in there, Fudgie.

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It's obvious that you have nothing in common with this woman and that any association you have with her is likely to be negative.

 

I think you should nip this right in the bud. Be honest with her. Tell her that you feel the need to distance yourself from her because you don't feel you have much in common anymore. Also tell her that you can no longer be her bridesmaid, and offer to pay for any inconvenience you may have caused her.

 

Ignore her attempts to talk trash about you in the aftermath. IF it gets bad, you can always inform the management about what's going on. There's no point in allowing this woman to hang on to your life when you don't want her.

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I agree with SarahLancaster. Tell her you cannot be in the wedding and she needs to ask someone else to take your place. Do this soon, so she has plenty of time to ask another person. You will likely get her out of your life once you tell her this as she'll be angry with you. If she causes trouble at work for you, go to your HR dept. or boss and tell them. Dont be a doormat.

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Fudge, I say this with no disrespect but rather an observation:

 

You seem to have a hard time asserting yourself.

 

From relationships you don’t want to be in to now friendships.

 

I think this bridesmaid issues is the mole indicating the cancer growing.

 

What I mean is it’s good you’re asking for advice because there seems to be a bigger issue here.

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Fudge, I say this with no disrespect but rather an observation:

 

You seem to have a hard time asserting yourself.

 

From relationships you don’t want to be in to now friendships.

 

I think this bridesmaid issues is the mole indicating the cancer growing.

 

What I mean is it’s good you’re asking for advice because there seems to be a bigger issue here.

 

This is an ongoing issue for me. What's weird is that I can assert myself just fine in places like work and whatnot. Why can't I do this with relationships/friendships? I spent, what, 4 years in an unsatisfying relationship, feeling stuck because unlike other relationships, there was no clear cut reason to end it?

 

As for the job, I'm planning on a transfer to another place for reasons that have nothing to do with this girl. So things are in the works in regards to that.

 

I agree, I need to get out of this setup. I'm thinking that once I make the transfer (in the new year) I will break the news to her, saying I can't cause I can't take time off at that time (our weeks of vacations are scheduled many many many months in advance and she knows how this works) so I won't be able to participate.

 

My hope is that she will get wrapped up in the married/childed world and forget about me.

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If she means so little to you (recalling your previous issues as a friend) I'm not sure why you're letting her wedding take over your life. You agreed to be part of the wedding party and I think the right thing to do is to continue on with it. The only reason why she's roped you into her negativity is because she can.

 

You're too available for some reason. I would tell her first that you don't appreciate her comments about your love life and if it continues, simply continue to limit your contact with her as much as possible.

 

Don't answer any text messages regarding anything negative or inappropriate. If she begins a conversation wanting to make you the focal point of her negative commentary and it's inappropriate, change the topic. Keep things positive, forward-moving and healthy for yourself and your friendship and your work life. She's looking for ways to stay entertained and some people have very base interests. Just take it for what it is and don't make a mountain of a molehill.

 

This will pass, rest assured. Don't hurt yourself in the process. In the bigger scheme of things, she shouldn't have a great impact on your life. In many respects, treat her as a work colleague since she's tied to your professional life. Remain discreet, cordial and maintain some distance/boundaries that reflect that work relationship.

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I think she's really "off" mentally. So yeah I'm definitely worried about ticking her off because I've seen what has happened with other people that have gotten on her bad side. But you're right, I can't let this rule me. I've had people with worse issues latch onto me and I eventually managed to distance myself so they are just specks in the mirror.

 

I don't understand how I can successfully deal with destructive, mentally ill people all the time through my job without issue but I just can't deal with these types in my personal life at all. I can't stand it.

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Neither can I. But take a deep breath. This will pass. All this hullaballoo and the marriage might not even last. Let things unfold with time and do your part. I'm a big believer in allowing things to come full circle.

 

It's good that you know your differences already. That's your ticket to maintaining a safe and healthy/professional distance. Good for you also for thinking of your professional life/career and not jeopardizing it. Whenever I'm in a situation that's overwhelming, I tell myself to remember life outside of it and beyond it. You can get through it.

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That's true. The wedding is almost a year away. They may not even last.

In truth, the vacation thing may actually happen (unable to get time off for it) once I switch jobs so I actually wouldn't be able to go and that would give me a truthful and easy out. We'll see.

 

I know she wants to do a "wedding week" (found out that recently) where everyone in the party shows up and stays for a week total, wedding included, and there is no way I'm doing that.

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My job is very important to me. It's my livelihood and I work in a catty, female dominated profession. Image is everything. I work hard to project a good image while at the same time, keeping my head down and not socializing at work and having good excuses for why I can't go out after work.

 

Last thing I need is some psycho ruining things for me.

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If this was a close, genuine, valued friendship and you didn't want to do it because you don't like being in front of people, i would say suck it up, but your sanity is not worth this drama

 

Definitely not a close, genuine friendship.

 

And yes I shouldn't have caved. I regret it.

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I agree, I need to get out of this setup. I'm thinking that once I make the transfer (in the new year) I will break the news to her, saying I can't cause I can't take time off at that time (our weeks of vacations are scheduled many many many months in advance and she knows how this works) so I won't be able to participate.

 

Waiting that long is probably not a great idea, and giving her an excuse is a really-really bad idea. When you do that she bullies you with objections, so skip that.

 

Since you know that a transfer is on the horizon, consider this in-between time a bookended period of laying your chips down and letting them fall where they will. You're not invested enough in the people around you to care what they think of you, and chances are, if you've seen through this person as mentally ill, so has everyone else--you're all in the field.

 

This isn't some senior worker or administrator who has a great rep with others, she's an obnoxious newcomer who isn't likely on the top of anyone's charm list. Otherwise, why would she need YOU as a bridesmaid?

 

So skip the catering, tell whutsurname that your initial response to participating in the wedding was a 'no,' and you've decided to stand by that. You wish her the best of luck with her wedding and her future. Boom! Done.

 

Then stand your ground silently, and whatever her reaction may be, let it slide. Stay silent, let her respond however she wants, then just repeat that you wish her the best, and you need to go now. Then walk away.

 

Don't say, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." Don't say, "I'm sorry about this," or "I apologize..." You have zero to apologize for. The woman bullied you into doing something you don't want to do, so THAT is your place to start, "I won't be participating." That's your repeat line no matter what she says.

 

"I won't," is far more powerful and accurate than "I can't" and requires no explanation. "I can't" sets you up to 'splain, and it sets your own trap. Don't do it.

 

If she freaks or starts gossip or trouble on the job, my first inclination would be to ignore it. It's not your monkey, and your coworkers care far less than you imagine. Allow yourself to learn whether the consequences warrant a trip to HR to report the issue, but I'd bet money that whatever falls out of this is far less impacting than you believe she 'could' be.

 

You'll be leaving that floor soon enough to test your ability to put your foot down, so why not take the opportunity to be proud of yourself?

 

Head high, you can do this.

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Sooner rather than later you tell her that upon further consideration you can't afford to be in her wedding party. That is a true statement because the emotional costs to you are just too high; she should not be led to believe this is anything other than financial.

 

You just keep your head down at work & do your job. Your boss & co-workers aren't going to put much stock in the negative opinion of a woman they don't know if your numbers at work are good. Bosses care about productivity not gossip

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I wouldn't wait until your job transfer because if you tell her now, she has time to find a bridesmaid replacement.

 

Break it to her gently. Say or write: "I feel honored that you asked me to be your bridesmaid. However, I will gratefully and graciously decline with all due respect. I wish you and your fiance all the best." You don't have to make excuses nor explain your stance. Say it (write it) succinctly, remain well mannered and polite. I would include a VISA gift card to express sincere goodwill, kind congratulations and best wishes. Then you can be done with her and know you left on the best terms possible. Be gracious yet firm. Always make your exit out of a friendship with class. Treat each other with dignity.

 

Then should your paths cross someday, you'll know you did the right thing and behaved honorably. Never make it awkward nor drag out any animosity. Do it right and you'll be ok. Then you can really move on with your life. Treat people right and you can end it by exercising diplomacy.

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How should I rebuff her when she (inevitably) freaks out and starts asking "why" a bunch of times? I don't think just repeating "I won't. Sorry" when she does that is going to make her hush up.

 

She has a registry at 3 different stores with a wedding site so yoi have to buy off the registry online (and it alerts her right away, I assume). I plan to buy a couple pieces of overpriced nonsense to appease her - BEFORE I break this news. Sort of to sweeten the deal.

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My job is very important to me. It's my livelihood and I work in a catty, female dominated profession. Image is everything. I work hard to project a good image while at the same time, keeping my head down and not socializing at work and having good excuses for why I can't go out after work.

 

Last thing I need is some psycho ruining things for me.

 

If you are good at your job , nobody can touch that!!!

If gossip within your job leads to people getting promoted or demoted then why are you there?

Is that why you don’t socialise with work people??

 

Tell her that you feel like you haven’t spent much time together socially and therefore you feel like you can’t actually be bridesmaid. And politely decline! Do this in person and NOT by text so she has nothing to send to anyone in gossip.

 

The later you do it , the more reason she will have to about it. You let her down last minute etc etc.

 

So deal with it now!!

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If you are good at your job , nobody can touch that!!!

If gossip within your job leads to people getting promoted or demoted then why are you there?

Is that why you don’t socialise with work people??

 

Gossip definitely makes things harder for people at my job and can lead to singling out/bullying. I recently had a negative interaction with a coworker but I stayed calm and called her bluff and she immediately backed off and has since left me alone.

 

I don't trust anyone at my job. It's just the nature of my field, changing jobs won't help at this point. It's catty, full of bullies, female-dominated, and people won't hesitate to toss you under a bus if it makes them look better. I knew this when I went into this field. I'm here for the money and flexibility and once I go back to school, I'm upgrading to a different kind of work so I don't have to be around these sorts of people anymore.

 

Anyway, yes, I need to say something soon. I'm still deciding on what to say, what will be the most believable and palatable for her. I don't think I can be honest. She is incapable of taking criticism from anyone.

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Anyway, yes, I need to say something soon. I'm still deciding on what to say, what will be the most believable and palatable for her. I don't think I can be honest. She is incapable of taking criticism from anyone.

 

You don't need to be believable and palatable for her. It's not about her, it's about you, and what YOU want for yourself. You never wanted to be in the wedding, so the goal of getting out is to be true to yourself rather than a hoop jumper for her.

 

Skip the idea that this will end well between you. It's really no skin off your back--you don't want her as a friend, anyway.

 

Your idea of offering a wedding gift when you tell her is unnecessary but kind, so consider that a gesture for your own head rather than an appeasement--because you already know that this woman not appeasable. Start from that platform rather than set yourself up to believe that you can somehow manipulate her into taking this well. That's not your job, so liberate yourself from that goal.

 

I'd explain that my initial reaction to her offer was to be honored, but I didn't want to be involved in the wedding. I've since tried to grow okay with the idea, but I need to let her know now that I won't be participating in the wedding.

 

Then stop, let her freak out without interrupting or trying to console. By the time she's done, you may not need to say anything--she might storm off or whatever. Just let it happen. If she asks you questions, answer simply, "I don't want to participate." That's clean, it's clear, and it doesn't try to offer excuses that won't be good enough, anyway.

 

Any excuse you try to offer will get knocked down--so don't go there. You are not wedding material. Once YOU can be okay with that, you have a platform to stand on. So stand your ground on it, and let the chips fall. You do NOT need HER to be okay about it. That's your trap, and the only way to exit from it is to exit from it.

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