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Thread: How to get out of being a bridesmaid?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I wouldn't wait until your job transfer because if you tell her now, she has time to find a bridesmaid replacement.

    Break it to her gently. Say or write: "I feel honored that you asked me to be your bridesmaid. However, I will gratefully and graciously decline with all due respect. I wish you and your fiance all the best." You don't have to make excuses nor explain your stance. Say it (write it) succinctly, remain well mannered and polite. I would include a VISA gift card to express sincere goodwill, kind congratulations and best wishes. Then you can be done with her and know you left on the best terms possible. Be gracious yet firm. Always make your exit out of a friendship with class. Treat each other with dignity.

    Then should your paths cross someday, you'll know you did the right thing and behaved honorably. Never make it awkward nor drag out any animosity. Do it right and you'll be ok. Then you can really move on with your life. Treat people right and you can end it by exercising diplomacy.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    How should I rebuff her when she (inevitably) freaks out and starts asking "why" a bunch of times? I don't think just repeating "I won't. Sorry" when she does that is going to make her hush up.

    She has a registry at 3 different stores with a wedding site so yoi have to buy off the registry online (and it alerts her right away, I assume). I plan to buy a couple pieces of overpriced nonsense to appease her - BEFORE I break this news. Sort of to sweeten the deal.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    My job is very important to me. It's my livelihood and I work in a catty, female dominated profession. Image is everything. I work hard to project a good image while at the same time, keeping my head down and not socializing at work and having good excuses for why I can't go out after work.

    Last thing I need is some psycho ruining things for me.
    If you are good at your job , nobody can touch that!!!
    If gossip within your job leads to people getting promoted or demoted then why are you there?
    Is that why you donít socialise with work people??

    Tell her that you feel like you havenít spent much time together socially and therefore you feel like you canít actually be bridesmaid. And politely decline! Do this in person and NOT by text so she has nothing to send to anyone in gossip.

    The later you do it , the more reason she will have to about it. You let her down last minute etc etc.

    So deal with it now!!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    If you are good at your job , nobody can touch that!!!
    If gossip within your job leads to people getting promoted or demoted then why are you there?
    Is that why you donít socialise with work people??
    Gossip definitely makes things harder for people at my job and can lead to singling out/bullying. I recently had a negative interaction with a coworker but I stayed calm and called her bluff and she immediately backed off and has since left me alone.

    I don't trust anyone at my job. It's just the nature of my field, changing jobs won't help at this point. It's catty, full of bullies, female-dominated, and people won't hesitate to toss you under a bus if it makes them look better. I knew this when I went into this field. I'm here for the money and flexibility and once I go back to school, I'm upgrading to a different kind of work so I don't have to be around these sorts of people anymore.

    Anyway, yes, I need to say something soon. I'm still deciding on what to say, what will be the most believable and palatable for her. I don't think I can be honest. She is incapable of taking criticism from anyone.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    Anyway, yes, I need to say something soon. I'm still deciding on what to say, what will be the most believable and palatable for her. I don't think I can be honest. She is incapable of taking criticism from anyone.
    You don't need to be believable and palatable for her. It's not about her, it's about you, and what YOU want for yourself. You never wanted to be in the wedding, so the goal of getting out is to be true to yourself rather than a hoop jumper for her.

    Skip the idea that this will end well between you. It's really no skin off your back--you don't want her as a friend, anyway.

    Your idea of offering a wedding gift when you tell her is unnecessary but kind, so consider that a gesture for your own head rather than an appeasement--because you already know that this woman not appeasable. Start from that platform rather than set yourself up to believe that you can somehow manipulate her into taking this well. That's not your job, so liberate yourself from that goal.

    I'd explain that my initial reaction to her offer was to be honored, but I didn't want to be involved in the wedding. I've since tried to grow okay with the idea, but I need to let her know now that I won't be participating in the wedding.

    Then stop, let her freak out without interrupting or trying to console. By the time she's done, you may not need to say anything--she might storm off or whatever. Just let it happen. If she asks you questions, answer simply, "I don't want to participate." That's clean, it's clear, and it doesn't try to offer excuses that won't be good enough, anyway.

    Any excuse you try to offer will get knocked down--so don't go there. You are not wedding material. Once YOU can be okay with that, you have a platform to stand on. So stand your ground on it, and let the chips fall. You do NOT need HER to be okay about it. That's your trap, and the only way to exit from it is to exit from it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree, just decline and recuse yourself. Only you know what you do and don't want to do.

    How much of being this upset over something this routine is related to this: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    I need to say something soon. I'm still deciding on what to say, what will be the most believable and palatable for her. I don't think I can be honest. She is incapable of taking criticism from anyone.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Agree, just decline and recuse yourself. Only you know what you do and don't want to do.

    How much of being this upset over something this routine is related to this: [Register to see the link]
    I don't understand why you're bringing this up. I ended a 4 year relationship many months ago that I wasn't happy with...what does that have to do with what is going on now?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    You're right, catfeeder. I am so freaking stuck on thinking how I can get her to be okay with it. I worry a lot about the consequences of what I'm about to do. It's not my problem...! Hah, I need to own that.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Maybe I see things as more simple. For example just telling her you can't make it. It seems like a lot of extended fear all the way into your job, etc.
    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    I don't understand why you're bringing this up. I ended a 4 year relationship many months ago that I wasn't happy with...what does that have to do with what is going on now?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    You're right, catfeeder. I am so freaking stuck on thinking how I can get her to be okay with it. I worry a lot about the consequences of what I'm about to do. It's not my problem...! Hah, I need to own that.
    Yay, you! You're seeing the issue: you've assigned yourself as caretaker of her reaction. Why do that? If you quit that imaginary role, your course is pretty clear cut, and if the consequences are ugly, then your mental safety net is knowing that your exposure to her on this scene is only temporary.

    You've got this!

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