Why do I feel magnetically attracted?

Hi,

Some years back after a hard breakup I dabbled in online dating. Never met anyone in person through it, although I ended up with a online friendship with one guy. I was very curious about him, something about him, he was like a puzzle that I wanted to solve. Not sure why he decided not to persue it further, but at the time I started seeing someone irl, so I was ok when he suggested we could be friends. Wasn't sure if he meant it, or if it was supposed to be an easy let down like some guys do. Lost track of each other for about 4 years, until I got a friend request from him a month ago.

I have thought of him off and on over the years. I am happy to have him on my friends list. He's funny and smart. I feel just as compelled and magnetized as I did then.

Two issues: I am with the guy I had started seeing back then, although I've been going back and forth about ending that relationship because I want to move but he has to stay with his mom and his small business is just as small as when we met so I have concerns about financial stability and I don't want to live in that house OR marry and live in separate homes. The relationship is so close to right in many ways and I don't want to hurt him by ending it, although I might need to... Second, even if I did end my current relationship, I don't want to just jump into another right away, doesn't seem smart or respectful. ...Even if the other party was interested in exploring if anything had changed. I have no particular reason to think that he has any interest in trying again.

Why do I feel this magnetic pull to someone I've never met in person? What is this desire to understand him? What about him is the mystery that needs solving? It was mostly dormant for 4 years and now it's back. I've never been in his presence, so it's nothing to do with pheromones. There is some level of physical curiosity, but not just that. I know he is still single and presumably he will find someone eventually, but no lie, if nothing else notable changes I will be jealous that someone else is getting his attention. I am still surprised that I got the friend request. We have no mutual friends, I didn't supply my phone number to fb, and it had been years since we last talked or had any contact.

Why this intense curiosity? It existed before. Most likely this stays at attraction level. Not going to flirt and potentially lead him on. Why do I feel this way towards him?! Could getting to know him better make it stop? Like if I learned something really unattractive about him?

When you have minimal or no physical contact with somebody, you can become infatuated with a version of somebody who is more fascinating, alluring, flawless etc than anybody you do know well. A real living and breathing man cannot compete with a fantasy.

You are clearly unsatisfied in some respects in your current relationship. You are probably rightly concerned about his ability to be a breadwinner and it is not attractive for a man in his 30s to be living with his mother (unless he is taking care of her in his own home).

Your online crush has all the potential to provide you everything that your current partner does not, so you are attracted to what could be, which is infinitely better than what you currently have. Though of course, what could be could be nothing like what will be if you do decide to take that leap.

. You are probably rightly concerned about his ability to be a breadwinner and it is not attractive for a man in his 30s to be living with his mother (unless he is taking care of her in his own home).

40s. His mother's home.

I know fantasy and reality are often 2 separate things. The only time reality surpassed my fantasy, I turned out to be wrong about that. The kind of wrong where you are never quite the same afterwards. I am very suspicious of fantasy now. Suspicious of my choices in romance generally, as well.

My current partner has alot of potential. He's smart, but doesn't use it effectively. Beware of men with unrealized potential and nothing to show backing it up?

Well, even if you do end your current relationship, I certainly hope that it's not for someone that you've never even met in person. People can be different in person than online. I've had those experiences where I talked to someone online for ages but when we met in person it wasn't the same. You really need that "spark" which in my opinion needs to develop in real life. Above all the guy said many years that he just wants to be friends. He probably said that for a reason. Maybe he really enjoys talking to you but he doesn't actually feel attracted to your photos. If he was attracted to you then why would he say he just wants to be friends? If you keep wondering about him then why don't you just ask him to meet? You might even realise that you're not that into him in real life...

Sorry to hear this. What is the reason he never wanted to meet years ago? Is he in a relationship/married? Have you googled him? Refusing to meet is unattractive enough, no? It means he's hiding something, not mysterious.

Unfortunately it sounds like this nostalgia and intrigue are mostly a product of your current discontent and indecision about the guy your with.

Not sure why he decided not to persue it further. Lost track of each other for about 4 years, until I got a friend request from him a month ago.

 

Why do I feel this magnetic pull to someone I've never met in person? Why this intense curiosity?Like if I learned something really unattractive about him?

Well, even if you do end your current relationship, I certainly hope that it's not for someone that you've never even met in person. People can be different in person than online.

 

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If you keep wondering about him then why don't you just ask him to meet? You might even realise that you're not that into him in real life...

Definitely not going to end my current relationship for someone else. If it ends, it's because of practical reasons or incompatible life goals. As you say, meeting in real life might dispel the mystery. He'll be in the general area next month. I'm not entirely sure why he wasn't interested. I know my photos were distinctly modest, so there was no hint of sex appeal, so no way to decide if that particular interest was there on his part. There wasn't much to see.

Sorry to hear this. What is the reason he never wanted to meet years ago? Is he in a relationship/married? Have you googled him? Refusing to meet is unattractive enough, no? It means he's hiding something, not mysterious.

 

We didn't get to that part. I was a bit closed off after the big relationship ended. Wanting to move on, move forward, but scared. That may have shown up somehow in our interactions. I've done my online snooping. He wasn't married. He seems to be what he described. Everything on fb is consistent. This intrigue was present before I was in this relationship. I think if I wasn't in this relationship, I still would be feeling this. That is part of why it's troubling, if I end the other relationship it needs to purely be for the reasons of the discontent. This interest might be a test for the current relationship. I think all relationships get tested at some point. After seeing each other for 4 years, choices do need to be made. I always thought I would get married again and four years is good chunk of time to get to know someone.

Sorry this is happening. You sound quite discontent with the stagnation in your current relationship. However it's not an either or situation. You can end what is unhappy, boring and unfulfilling and yet date people you actually know in person. But you'll have to make decisions not keep daydreaming about woulda, coulda, shouda from 4 years ago.

A romance fantasy man is not a realistic replacement for any real-life discontent. If you met him he could be as bad as what you have now but that would burst your escape bubble, no?

This intrigue was present before I was in this relationship. I always thought I would get married again and four years is good chunk of time to get to know someone.

It's easy to project a sizzle onto someone you've never met. That's what people do to celebrities all the time. I'd chalk this up to that and address your current relationship on its own merits.