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Thread: My past bothered my ex.

  1. #1
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    My past bothered my ex.

    Hi everyone! I need some help or advice. I dated a guy from work for 2 months. I am a widow, my husband passed away 4 years ago. He committed suicide. I told all the story about my past to this guy that i was dated. We we're so in love and been single for a while, So everything went fast about our relationship. Then he found on the internet the obituary and puctures of me and my husband and he said he dont think our relationship is going to work out cause what he saw online and about what my husband did to himself bothered him he said he had trouble sleeping that night and its like its eating inside of him. Then later on we still see each other and then he said its not bothering him that much now than the first time. And he ask if its a good idea to move in together. But then we decided to stop out relationship. But he still texting me once in a while and we say hi hello when we see each other at work. I am thinking to find another job or do i need to stop talking to him? Or any ideas that could help my problem? :(

  2. #2
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    Sorry to hear about your husband.

    As for the workmate , how long did you know him before you dated him for 8 weeks?
    Why was he looking up your husbands obituary? Didn’t you find that a bit creepy???
    And if he had an issue , didn’t you find it even more creepy that he suggested living together?

    Where did he suggest you both live? At yours, at his or a new property?

    After 60 days of dating , there was no love lost.
    So continue at work as normal and block his number.

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    I've known him for more than a Month. And when he asked me about move in together is planning to get our own place but i did not say anything cause i know its not a good i dea. Cause he has an issue about my past. He said when he searched my name online that's how he saw about the obituary of my husband. But then not just because of him that i was planning to find another job though its because i work in a fulfillment company its a pharmacy i package a lot. Ofcourse most of it its about antidepressants medication so its always reminds me of my past i get emotional everytime i worked and i felt so exhausted and lost all of my evergy. Then felt sad and depressed. So do you think i still have to continue working there?

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    Ok so you only knew this guy about 12 weeks. 4 weeks in you date him and 8 weeks later it’s over.

    How long have you worked there and how long has he?

    Obviously one of you is new to the job. Who?

    You work in a factory packaging antidepressants. If that to this day makes you sad , then you are clearly not coping after your loss. Which suggests you are still not ready for a relationship. And that’s ok.
    That also suggests you did not love this guy.

    You can stay in your job if you want. But what are the reasons why you would want to leave and what are the reasons you would want to stay?

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    I just dont know where to find a job that pays better that i could afford my mortgage and stuff. And i am new to this job. I just regret i left my old Job even it was hard but i was happy. But i keep looking for a job, I learned a lot of lessons that's going on my life right now though. Thank you for listening and giving me an advice Billie! :)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd quit making someone I've known for such a short time into anything significant. Words are words, fantasies are fantasies. They only have the importance that I assign to them--so I'd stop making anything about this guy important, and I'd recognize that he's a flake and not someone you can count on.

    If you regret leaving your last job, consider contacting them to see if they'd be open to taking you back.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You need the support of friends, family, support groups, a good doctor and therapist. Not a weirdo for a roommate/lover. Stop seeing him and stop talking to him. Just be polite at work and otherwise take care of yourself. If you are having financial difficulties go to social services.
    Originally Posted by Jean
    I've known him for more than a Month. And when he asked me about move in together is planning to get our own place but i did not say anything cause i know its not a good i dea. Cause he has an issue about my past

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this, and really sorry to hear about your husband.

    I can't help but feel like your attachment to this man is less connected to you being ready for a relationship than you still needing to process some stuff in order to be ready. While two months with someone can be profound, it is still only two months: a blink of the eye. When a good two months becomes a good four months, then a good year, with more and more of each other being revealed and gracefully accepted—well, that's when you know the glue is solid, the feelings anchored in a stable foundation. When things take an abrupt turn, as this did, followed by more abrupt turns, like this, it's generally a sign, whatever the circumstances, that the foundation was not as solid as you'd hoped. Sad and frustrating, yes. But also life.

    Imagine, to put things in perspective, that what he'd brought up wasn't such a devastating chapter from your past that you're still reckoning with. You have a great two months, but suddenly he says he can't do this because...because saw a FB photo of you wearing a green blouse and can't be comfortable with anyone who wears green blouses. Odds are that, while you'd be bummed, you wouldn't feel emotionally overwhelmed, nor would you want to twist and bend to "make things work" with a guy who reacted like that. It would be pretty clear, in short. A guy who seemed great had shown himself to be not so great, a story that plays out in millions of lives every hour around the world.

    I'm not saying that to minimize or trivialize the circumstances of your husband's death—hardly—but to show how I think those circumstances are still a major point of vulnerability that's making it hard for you to see this clearly. That's likely to be the case for a while. That's okay. Hugs. Still, whoever you end up with won't make you feel "bad" about that, because it won't make them feel "bad." You were married to a man who committed suicide—a very sad fact of your journey, but also something that the right person won't feel threatened by. The right person will allow you to feel safe, inside your own skin, but to be able to gauge that you have to feel safe first.

    From what you've written, this man does not sound particularly stable. One minute he's too thrown by your past to continue, and the next he's suggesting to move in? That right there is beyond questionable—and, I'd say, someone to steer clear of, for your own stability. I know it's hard, as it's so lovely to connect with someone that feels right. But I don't think this feels right anymore, if you're honest with what your spirit is telling you, and so to pretend otherwise is likely a recipe for spiritual discontent. If that is the price of admission for any relationship, the relationship is simply not worth it.

    Inhale, exhale. Try to step back a few more feet and I think you'll see that this is just a story of a man who is not right for you, and that leaning into that story is ultimately better than trying to make it something else.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Your husband passed away 4 years ago so that's a long time. If it still affects you so badly that you can't function at work, then the correct thing to do is seek some grief counseling or find a widower support group where you can start addressing some of your feelings and start healing and letting go. Sometimes, time alone isn't enough. You have to do more to deal with grief.

    As for this guy or any guy, first of all you shouldn't even be talking about moving in or living together until you've been in a solid relationship for well over a year. If someone starts talking, or worse pushing about it, early on that's a huge red flag and a sign for you to immediately walk away from them. Overall, what he said and did is really quite off. He was bothered that your husband passed away? What kind of a person even says that. Not to mention that digging up obituaries from 4 years ago is more than just a curiosity google check. He really went digging for information about you and that's both creepy and inappropriate. When someone acts like that - just drop them cold. Don't even think twice about it. There are way too many weirdos scammers and all kinds of disordered creeps out there. Better be single and safe than get involved with one of those.

    If you are feeling lonely and lost, please get out and start making some friends. Meaning - look up events to volunteer for, hobbies to join. Get busy with finding interests and meeting people and developing friendships and relationships so you don't feel alone, but rather that you feel busy and fulfilled. If you don't have any interests, just start with whatever might appeal and see if it does. Check out meetup.com in your area for some group ideas. Other than that, museums always need volunteers, local events, festivals always need volunteers, etc. Look up organizations like habitat for humanity, etc. Just do something that even remotely interests you and it will help you get out of the rut.

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    Oh my, I woke up today and I can't believe i got a lot of advice and support from here. Thank you so to all of you. I was clearly lost in that 4 months. I cannot believe what i did, Now i need to move forward and be busy again. I dont know why i replied still few days ago when he was texting Ughhh... I was just afraid that maybe someday if i am going to date again no body will understand my past or story of my life. Maybe i will be old single, and that's okay too lol... I really appreciate all the comments it motivates me today to move forward, Move on and be busy. :)

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