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My past bothered my ex.


Jean

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Hi everyone! I need some help or advice. I dated a guy from work for 2 months. I am a widow, my husband passed away 4 years ago. He committed suicide. I told all the story about my past to this guy that i was dated. We we're so in love and been single for a while, So everything went fast about our relationship. Then he found on the internet the obituary and puctures of me and my husband and he said he dont think our relationship is going to work out cause what he saw online and about what my husband did to himself bothered him he said he had trouble sleeping that night and its like its eating inside of him. Then later on we still see each other and then he said its not bothering him that much now than the first time. And he ask if its a good idea to move in together. But then we decided to stop out relationship. But he still texting me once in a while and we say hi hello when we see each other at work. I am thinking to find another job or do i need to stop talking to him? Or any ideas that could help my problem? :(

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Sorry to hear about your husband.

 

As for the workmate , how long did you know him before you dated him for 8 weeks?

Why was he looking up your husbands obituary? Didn’t you find that a bit creepy???

And if he had an issue , didn’t you find it even more creepy that he suggested living together?

 

Where did he suggest you both live? At yours, at his or a new property?

 

After 60 days of dating , there was no love lost.

So continue at work as normal and block his number.

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I've known him for more than a Month. And when he asked me about move in together is planning to get our own place but i did not say anything cause i know its not a good i dea. Cause he has an issue about my past. He said when he searched my name online that's how he saw about the obituary of my husband. But then not just because of him that i was planning to find another job though its because i work in a fulfillment company its a pharmacy i package a lot. Ofcourse most of it its about antidepressants medication so its always reminds me of my past i get emotional everytime i worked and i felt so exhausted and lost all of my evergy. Then felt sad and depressed. So do you think i still have to continue working there?

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Ok so you only knew this guy about 12 weeks. 4 weeks in you date him and 8 weeks later it’s over.

 

How long have you worked there and how long has he?

 

Obviously one of you is new to the job. Who?

 

You work in a factory packaging antidepressants. If that to this day makes you sad , then you are clearly not coping after your loss. Which suggests you are still not ready for a relationship. And that’s ok.

That also suggests you did not love this guy.

 

You can stay in your job if you want. But what are the reasons why you would want to leave and what are the reasons you would want to stay?

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I just dont know where to find a job that pays better that i could afford my mortgage and stuff. And i am new to this job. I just regret i left my old Job even it was hard but i was happy. But i keep looking for a job, I learned a lot of lessons that's going on my life right now though. Thank you for listening and giving me an advice Billie! :)

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I'd quit making someone I've known for such a short time into anything significant. Words are words, fantasies are fantasies. They only have the importance that I assign to them--so I'd stop making anything about this guy important, and I'd recognize that he's a flake and not someone you can count on.

 

If you regret leaving your last job, consider contacting them to see if they'd be open to taking you back.

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Sorry to hear this. You need the support of friends, family, support groups, a good doctor and therapist. Not a weirdo for a roommate/lover. Stop seeing him and stop talking to him. Just be polite at work and otherwise take care of yourself. If you are having financial difficulties go to social services.

I've known him for more than a Month. And when he asked me about move in together is planning to get our own place but i did not say anything cause i know its not a good i dea. Cause he has an issue about my past
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Sorry about all this, and really sorry to hear about your husband.

 

I can't help but feel like your attachment to this man is less connected to you being ready for a relationship than you still needing to process some stuff in order to be ready. While two months with someone can be profound, it is still only two months: a blink of the eye. When a good two months becomes a good four months, then a good year, with more and more of each other being revealed and gracefully accepted—well, that's when you know the glue is solid, the feelings anchored in a stable foundation. When things take an abrupt turn, as this did, followed by more abrupt turns, like this, it's generally a sign, whatever the circumstances, that the foundation was not as solid as you'd hoped. Sad and frustrating, yes. But also life.

 

Imagine, to put things in perspective, that what he'd brought up wasn't such a devastating chapter from your past that you're still reckoning with. You have a great two months, but suddenly he says he can't do this because...because saw a FB photo of you wearing a green blouse and can't be comfortable with anyone who wears green blouses. Odds are that, while you'd be bummed, you wouldn't feel emotionally overwhelmed, nor would you want to twist and bend to "make things work" with a guy who reacted like that. It would be pretty clear, in short. A guy who seemed great had shown himself to be not so great, a story that plays out in millions of lives every hour around the world.

 

I'm not saying that to minimize or trivialize the circumstances of your husband's death—hardly—but to show how I think those circumstances are still a major point of vulnerability that's making it hard for you to see this clearly. That's likely to be the case for a while. That's okay. Hugs. Still, whoever you end up with won't make you feel "bad" about that, because it won't make them feel "bad." You were married to a man who committed suicide—a very sad fact of your journey, but also something that the right person won't feel threatened by. The right person will allow you to feel safe, inside your own skin, but to be able to gauge that you have to feel safe first.

 

From what you've written, this man does not sound particularly stable. One minute he's too thrown by your past to continue, and the next he's suggesting to move in? That right there is beyond questionable—and, I'd say, someone to steer clear of, for your own stability. I know it's hard, as it's so lovely to connect with someone that feels right. But I don't think this feels right anymore, if you're honest with what your spirit is telling you, and so to pretend otherwise is likely a recipe for spiritual discontent. If that is the price of admission for any relationship, the relationship is simply not worth it.

 

Inhale, exhale. Try to step back a few more feet and I think you'll see that this is just a story of a man who is not right for you, and that leaning into that story is ultimately better than trying to make it something else.

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Your husband passed away 4 years ago so that's a long time. If it still affects you so badly that you can't function at work, then the correct thing to do is seek some grief counseling or find a widower support group where you can start addressing some of your feelings and start healing and letting go. Sometimes, time alone isn't enough. You have to do more to deal with grief.

 

As for this guy or any guy, first of all you shouldn't even be talking about moving in or living together until you've been in a solid relationship for well over a year. If someone starts talking, or worse pushing about it, early on that's a huge red flag and a sign for you to immediately walk away from them. Overall, what he said and did is really quite off. He was bothered that your husband passed away? What kind of a person even says that. Not to mention that digging up obituaries from 4 years ago is more than just a curiosity google check. He really went digging for information about you and that's both creepy and inappropriate. When someone acts like that - just drop them cold. Don't even think twice about it. There are way too many weirdos scammers and all kinds of disordered creeps out there. Better be single and safe than get involved with one of those.

 

If you are feeling lonely and lost, please get out and start making some friends. Meaning - look up events to volunteer for, hobbies to join. Get busy with finding interests and meeting people and developing friendships and relationships so you don't feel alone, but rather that you feel busy and fulfilled. If you don't have any interests, just start with whatever might appeal and see if it does. Check out meetup.com in your area for some group ideas. Other than that, museums always need volunteers, local events, festivals always need volunteers, etc. Look up organizations like habitat for humanity, etc. Just do something that even remotely interests you and it will help you get out of the rut.

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Oh my, I woke up today and I can't believe i got a lot of advice and support from here. Thank you so to all of you. I was clearly lost in that 4 months. I cannot believe what i did, Now i need to move forward and be busy again. I dont know why i replied still few days ago when he was texting Ughhh... I was just afraid that maybe someday if i am going to date again no body will understand my past or story of my life. Maybe i will be old single, and that's okay too lol... I really appreciate all the comments it motivates me today to move forward, Move on and be busy. :)

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I was just afraid that maybe someday if i am going to date again no body will understand my past or story of my life.

 

Remember this: everyone, to some degree, feels this.

 

The high school girl worries about what guys will think of the fact that she hooked up with that one college dude. The 50something bachelor worries that women will judge him as a risky player because he's never been married. The divorced single mother is afraid that no man on the planet will embrace the wonderfully complex reality that is her life. And so on...

 

Again, I don't say that to minimize your past, but to give it some context. We all come to the table with different weights, so to speak. While it's on us to learn to carry our own weight with grace, the right person will be someone who is not weighed down by it, if that makes sense.

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. . . I was just afraid that maybe someday if i am going to date again no body will understand my past or story of my life.

It's super easy for the average person to be dismissive of this, but the reality is this is a real thing that no one can come close to understanding unless and until they've gone through it, which fortunately the vast majority of the population never will. My daughter was killed in a murder-suicide in public in broad daylight a couple years ago and the story continues to be high-profile. I didn't expect it to affect my dating life all this time later, but it has. Potential dating partners see this as "drama" and assume you have "issues" and would rather not deal with it. I can understand it I suppose. It's a very serious thing and changes who you are. If there is any way to not give out your last name or somehow manage to hide that part of your story/your identity until you have reached a level of familiarity with them to where you feel comfortable with (and they can handle) knowing about it, I would recommend that. It is the only thing that has worked for me. Early on it's none of their business anyway--no one needs to know that up front.

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Hi waffle. You made me cry. Thank you for the advice. I felt sad and Lonely but i know i will be stronger enough sometime. When i dated this guy i did not tell him the whole story the first date, then the second time i wanted to be honest and not to hide anything. But then it was not a good idea to tell all the details cause the people that dont have any experience or mature enough they will never understand. There's was guys interested on me but i did not even give them attention cause i know my background is not good. Then when i felt ready to date someone this happens. It was good to feel to be loved and love someone. But now it hurts so bad after all. I felt like i did not regret about what i did though because i just love but in a wrong person. I am 31 yrs old and i felt like i am getting old. As my friends always say Its been 4 yrs since my husband died i need to start dating. But now i dont know how to start over again.

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The thing with dating is that you are going to come across a lot of people who are totally off. At 31 you still have your whole life ahead of you. You are young. If you feel ready to date, then just dip a toe into the dating pool and go out on some dates. Just don't treat your dates as the potential one. Relax and make it more about simply getting to know the guys and chatting with different people, learning about them, enjoying yourself a bit. Think of those dates in more social terms rather than some potentially life changing deal. Also, the more you get involved in activities and hobbies you like, the more likely you'll meet like minded people and like minded guys in particular. At your age, there are tons of singles, so please change that mindset that you are old or that time is ticking.

 

As for people finding out your past, please don't hide it. Understand that someone who will react badly to it, get weird about it - they are showing you a character trait you don't want in a partner. It's good to let those people weed themselves out. Let it happen.

 

Think of it this way - you want a person who is actually mature, compassionate, and understanding. They are out there, but finding/meeting one is a lot like looking for a needle in muck. You'll really need to get a tough skin and be ready to sift through muck in order to find your one good needle, so arm yourself with patience. Be picky, be choosy, listen to your gut if it's ringing alarms. Early on, treat each date as a separate event where you think about it, evaluate if you want to see him again or not and proceed accordingly.

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Telling your story to another too soon is actually a red flag to the other.

 

You need to date casually and only when the topic of exclusivity comes up is when you should consider sharing these details. It’s not alluding another! It’s simply waiting until someone likes you for you and is not going to judge you for something that was not in your control.

 

Wouldn’t you want the same from another?? Get to know them in person first before judging their history?

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Early when you meet, people do talk about relationship history, like if you had ever been married, what happened, etc. It's a two way conversation. It's not about hiding or telling stories that will scare people off, it's about figuring out how to say it politely and simply without making a big thing out of it. Keep it brief about the past, like few sentences brief, and focus on the present and on your date. Expect some will be curious or nosy and start asking more questions, but don't indulge them. Just say something along the lines of "I'd much rather focus on the here and now and learning more about you, so you mentioned that you are into.... Just change the conversation and stay in control of that.

 

Now of course, if you start dating someone seriously and you feel like talking once you are in a relationship and feel safe, that's completely different, but that takes time and a lot of vetting and getting to know them. Never bond with someone over trauma early on. In fact, anyone who tries to get under your skin like that is a red flag. Set some boundaries for yourself and look for guys who simply respect that.

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