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Thread: My past bothered my ex.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jean
    I was just afraid that maybe someday if i am going to date again no body will understand my past or story of my life.
    Remember this: everyone, to some degree, feels this.

    The high school girl worries about what guys will think of the fact that she hooked up with that one college dude. The 50something bachelor worries that women will judge him as a risky player because he's never been married. The divorced single mother is afraid that no man on the planet will embrace the wonderfully complex reality that is her life. And so on...

    Again, I don't say that to minimize your past, but to give it some context. We all come to the table with different weights, so to speak. While it's on us to learn to carry our own weight with grace, the right person will be someone who is not weighed down by it, if that makes sense.

  2. #12
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    Awww....I really need this, Thank you bluecasttle.

  3. #13
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jean
    . . . I was just afraid that maybe someday if i am going to date again no body will understand my past or story of my life.
    It's super easy for the average person to be dismissive of this, but the reality is this is a real thing that no one can come close to understanding unless and until they've gone through it, which fortunately the vast majority of the population never will. My daughter was killed in a murder-suicide in public in broad daylight a couple years ago and the story continues to be high-profile. I didn't expect it to affect my dating life all this time later, but it has. Potential dating partners see this as "drama" and assume you have "issues" and would rather not deal with it. I can understand it I suppose. It's a very serious thing and changes who you are. If there is any way to not give out your last name or somehow manage to hide that part of your story/your identity until you have reached a level of familiarity with them to where you feel comfortable with (and they can handle) knowing about it, I would recommend that. It is the only thing that has worked for me. Early on it's none of their business anyway--no one needs to know that up front.

  4. #14
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    Hi waffle. You made me cry. Thank you for the advice. I felt sad and Lonely but i know i will be stronger enough sometime. When i dated this guy i did not tell him the whole story the first date, then the second time i wanted to be honest and not to hide anything. But then it was not a good idea to tell all the details cause the people that dont have any experience or mature enough they will never understand. There's was guys interested on me but i did not even give them attention cause i know my background is not good. Then when i felt ready to date someone this happens. It was good to feel to be loved and love someone. But now it hurts so bad after all. I felt like i did not regret about what i did though because i just love but in a wrong person. I am 31 yrs old and i felt like i am getting old. As my friends always say Its been 4 yrs since my husband died i need to start dating. But now i dont know how to start over again.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The thing with dating is that you are going to come across a lot of people who are totally off. At 31 you still have your whole life ahead of you. You are young. If you feel ready to date, then just dip a toe into the dating pool and go out on some dates. Just don't treat your dates as the potential one. Relax and make it more about simply getting to know the guys and chatting with different people, learning about them, enjoying yourself a bit. Think of those dates in more social terms rather than some potentially life changing deal. Also, the more you get involved in activities and hobbies you like, the more likely you'll meet like minded people and like minded guys in particular. At your age, there are tons of singles, so please change that mindset that you are old or that time is ticking.

    As for people finding out your past, please don't hide it. Understand that someone who will react badly to it, get weird about it - they are showing you a character trait you don't want in a partner. It's good to let those people weed themselves out. Let it happen.

    Think of it this way - you want a person who is actually mature, compassionate, and understanding. They are out there, but finding/meeting one is a lot like looking for a needle in muck. You'll really need to get a tough skin and be ready to sift through muck in order to find your one good needle, so arm yourself with patience. Be picky, be choosy, listen to your gut if it's ringing alarms. Early on, treat each date as a separate event where you think about it, evaluate if you want to see him again or not and proceed accordingly.

  7. #16
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    Hi Dancingfool, Yes. This helps a lot to me. I will do this. I just need to think positive, Thank you very much for this good message.

  8. #17
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    Telling your story to another too soon is actually a red flag to the other.

    You need to date casually and only when the topic of exclusivity comes up is when you should consider sharing these details. Itís not alluding another! Itís simply waiting until someone likes you for you and is not going to judge you for something that was not in your control.

    Wouldnít you want the same from another?? Get to know them in person first before judging their history?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Early when you meet, people do talk about relationship history, like if you had ever been married, what happened, etc. It's a two way conversation. It's not about hiding or telling stories that will scare people off, it's about figuring out how to say it politely and simply without making a big thing out of it. Keep it brief about the past, like few sentences brief, and focus on the present and on your date. Expect some will be curious or nosy and start asking more questions, but don't indulge them. Just say something along the lines of "I'd much rather focus on the here and now and learning more about you, so you mentioned that you are into.... Just change the conversation and stay in control of that.

    Now of course, if you start dating someone seriously and you feel like talking once you are in a relationship and feel safe, that's completely different, but that takes time and a lot of vetting and getting to know them. Never bond with someone over trauma early on. In fact, anyone who tries to get under your skin like that is a red flag. Set some boundaries for yourself and look for guys who simply respect that.

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