Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 17

Thread: Obsessive in laws

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    9

    Obsessive in laws

    So me and the wife got into another argument today. Bit of a background, we’ve recently moved away from my family because they were being obsessive, possessive and always wanting to be around us. I agree we couldn’t breathe at times and nearly headed for a divorce but managed to turn things around and start afresh. We all get on better now!

    We now have a 1 year old and her parents and brothers are constantly calling us asking what we’re doing with the little one. But apparently that’s my fault because I told my brother in law that I don’t get on with a couple of my family members. But my wife says that it if I had kept my mouth shut they wouldn’t want to be so involved- and that the only reason they are getting involved is because they feel we have no one?!?!?!?! Am I in the wrong here ? Why am I getting blamed for someone else’s obsessive behaviour?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Florida Panhandle
    Posts
    787
    Gender
    Female
    I don't understand. Her family is calling asking what you're doing with the little one? What does that mean? Are they asking after the child's health?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,492
    Originally Posted by SuperPig
    So me and the wife got into another argument today. Bit of a background, we’ve recently moved away from my family because they were being obsessive, possessive and always wanting to be around us. I agree we couldn’t breathe at times and nearly headed for a divorce but managed to turn things around and start afresh. We all get on better now!

    We now have a 1 year old and her parents and brothers are constantly calling us asking what we’re doing with the little one. But apparently that’s my fault because I told my brother in law that I don’t get on with a couple of my family members. But my wife says that it if I had kept my mouth shut they wouldn’t want to be so involved- and that the only reason they are getting involved is because they feel we have no one?!?!?!?! Am I in the wrong here ? Why am I getting blamed for someone else’s obsessive behaviour?
    I mean, no, I highly doubt her family heard you don't like a couple of them so they got together and decided to spam you guys with phone calls. At the same time, why even say you don't get on with anybody? That's petty high school gossip. Your personal relations or lack thereof aren't anyone's business but your own. And even if you are going to needlessly spill your guts on divisive matters, you don't do so to someone who's in that actual cohort. Your wife's half-correct that you're better off keeping your mouth shut, and that's regardless of any consequence.

    Additionally, why not just have your wife deal with the regular communication with her family? Let it be her problem. Is it you complaining about her family reaching out so often, or was she the one initially tired of it and blaming it on you? It's one thing if you're the one getting driven up the wall because her family has the audacity to call. It's another if your wife's essentially gaslighting you due to her inability to deal with her own family.

    And whether it's your family or hers, how are you two seemingly so inept at setting up and maintaining boundaries? There isn't a single scenario in the world I'd allow my family or my wife's to have any kind of dominion over our family life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,389
    First of all, NEVER confide especially to family (relatives / in-laws) regarding your ire about anyone because people have loose lips. Trust no one. I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way!

    What's done is done. You can't undo the past. No sense arguing about this with your wife. Just remember to keep your mouth shut in the future. (And don't write about your ire either.)

    As for your in-laws meddling, don't have you or your wife return their calls immediately. Let your voice mails record their messages, wait a while and fire off a short text saying everything is fine, everyone is safe, healthy, little one is thriving and write 'thank you.' Remain polite, very brief yet keep a safe distance. When both of you don't return calls or text often to them, you'll enforce space which is the same as enforcing healthy boundaries. They'll back off as soon as you and your wife make yourselves less available.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    9
    They keep asking what we’re doing with our child ie taking him out etc... constantly wanting to FaceTime etc Essentially the sort of things my family were doing.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,389
    Don't respond so readily.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,492
    Or just say "can't right now." Either way.

    Honestly, digital media communication issues are far and away the most baby back simplest in the world.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,853
    Gender
    Female
    Just let them know you're busy that evening or don't pick up all the phone calls. They will eventually calm down. It's a new addition to the family. It seems they're being very supportive and kind. Try not to misinterpret their help for something too negative. Stay positive and look at the silver lining and your blessings.

    Keep your personal affairs with different family members positive also and don't speak badly about anyone behind their back. You're digging yourself a hole that way and also really digging your claws deep into that negativity! Let go of all that.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,389
    My in-laws and mother had their first grandchild, our first born son and everyone was obsessive over our little bundle of joy. We received TOO MUCH attention!

    We grew to never return calls immediately. If it's text or FaceTime, same thing, as mentioned previously, make yourselves less available. Or, ignore and send a postal letter. Write that you appreciate their concern but please give your new little family space and time. Write that you'll continue limited contact, FaceTime, phone calls and the like as your extremely busy schedules permit. Explain that you're a very busy young family. And, write, "thank you." Keep it cordial. Remain polite yet brief. They need to respect your space as a busy, new, young family.

    If you explain this electronically via text, FaceTime, emails or by phone, it could get irritating and then you'll have to engage in immediate back 'n forth relentless correspondence. By ignoring their FaceTime requests, text, email and voice mails, it's better to fire off a postal letter and have your communication one-way. If it's immediate electronic back 'n forth correspondence, an argument will ensue. The beauty of a postal letter is that you can fire it off and then remain silent. Try it. I hope it works for you.

    They mean well. It's just that it's better to have space and boundaries for everyone. No one enjoys feeling hounded and smothered. Just break it to them softly and gently without causing a fight.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    9
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Just let them know you're busy that evening or don't pick up all the phone calls. They will eventually calm down. It's a new addition to the family. It seems they're being very supportive and kind. Try not to misinterpret their help for something too negative. Stay positive and look at the silver lining and your blessings.

    Keep your personal affairs with different family members positive also and don't speak badly about anyone behind their back. You're digging yourself a hole that way and also really digging your claws deep into that negativity! Let go of all that.
    I never thought of things this way! Thank for your positive outlook :-)

    The are two Things I can’t get my head around:
    1) had this been my family, would it have been acceptable ? Probably not.
    2) how my behaviour has caused a group of individuals to meddle and become obsessive?

    I hold my hands up to backbiting about my family members. At the time I was very angry and grieving the loss of my mother. I deeply regret it now

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •