Great first date but an unpleasant finding, now what?

I met up with a girl over the weekend I met via OLD. We hit it off almost immediately. We ended up having several drinks at a couple different bars and she surprisingly invited me back to her place. We made out a lot, the clothes came off and there was some hand stuff, but no oral sex or sexual intercourse. I'm not a promiscuous guy, in fact, I've never gone this far on a first date ever. Anyway, I end up staying the night at her place. It all just felt right.

Then, in the middle of the night, I have to go to the bathroom. As I'm taking a pee, I look over at the trash can which is next to the toilet. I'm half asleep but atop this overflowing trash can, I notice what appears to be a used condom and its wrapper. I instantly felt pretty disgusted by the finding, given that it was not a condom I had used. I wanted to leave immediately but spent a few sleepless hours toiling before leaving at the first reasonable opportunity.

During those hours of toiling, my mind went to all kinds of dark places about the type of sex life she may have. I felt very fortunate things didn't progress beyond where they did. I'm very precautions about my sexual health, hence why I didn't try to push things any further and have never had a one night stand. As a single lady, she obviously has every right to pursue her sexual endeavors. Obviously, this was something that happened before we even met and I can't really judge a situation I know nothing about, but nonetheless it made me feel very weird. Certainly, these situations are probably common but just not as blatant. Generally, I avoid a sexual relationship until a level of exclusivity is established.

I really just needed to get this out of my head as I've been ruminating about it for days. The date was overall really great but I feel a bit uncomfortable now. I don't know what to do now. I thought about seeing her again and if things get physical, discussing my boundaries regarding sex/exclusivity. I always have a hard time with these discussions even though its the responsible thing to do. Thoughts?

What bothers you more that you didn't get as far or that she doesn't take out her trash too often?

Given the way this unfolded:

We ended up having several drinks at a couple different bars and she surprisingly invited me back to her place. We made out a lot, the clothes came off and there was some hand stuff, but no oral sex or sexual intercourse.

I notice what appears to be a used condom and its wrapper. I instantly felt pretty disgusted by the finding, given that it was not a condom I had used.

What bothers you more that you didn't get as far or that she doesn't take out her trash too often?

 

Given the way this unfolded:This should not come as a surprise:

Thanks for your reply. I wish things hadn't even gone that far. I don't disagree, but not really any helpful advice.

Well if you are this upset by it don't ask her out again, but if you want to pursue it, then yes have the sexually exclusive conversation.

I don't disagree, but not really any helpful advice.

You should discuss your expectations and not necessarily your boundaries. Semantics, I know, but there's a bit of a difference there. Keep it light and be honest about what your expectations are and what you're looking for while dating. Is it exclusivity? Is it a monogamous relationship? It's better at this point to discuss what you are looking for as opposed to getting too detailed about what you're not looking for. Don't become negative. Don't overexplain yourself or get overly detailed/worked up about what you found. Stay away from all that and keep things light but stay firm in your mind what you can and can't do. At this point you owe each other very little explanation so keep things simple.

I would stay away from any conversation regarding what you found in the bin. If you really do feel pressed to discuss it and it's bothering you badly, you can mention it without sounding accusatory. If you don't trust her overall or find you're not getting along personality-wise, stop seeing her. Use your own judgment.

You should discuss your expectations and not necessarily your boundaries. Semantics, I know, but there's a bit of a difference there. Keep it light and be honest about what your expectations are and what you're looking for while dating. Is it exclusivity? Is it a monogamous relationship? It's better at this point to discuss what you are looking for as opposed to getting too detailed about what you're not looking for. Don't become negative. Don't overexplain yourself or get overly detailed/worked up about what you found. Stay away from all that and keep things light but stay firm in your mind what you can and can't do. At this point you owe each other very little explanation so keep things simple.

 

I would stay away from any conversation regarding what you found in the bin. If you really do feel pressed to discuss it and it's bothering you badly, you can mention it without sounding accusatory. If you don't trust her overall or find you're not getting along personality-wise, stop seeing her. Use your own judgment.

I appreciate the advice. I guess discussing what I'm looking for gets the point across without any judgement towards her. Again, I'm a bit of an anxious person. There could be numerous reasons she had a recent sex partner: a recent breakup, occasional one night stand, back sliding with an ex, FWB, etc. Really impossible to know and seems impossible to ask about.

Better questions might be, should I let this bother me? Does it have to look so bad? Should I feel bad about it?

It seems that you kind of can't help but judge her—and yourself—in a negative light after this experience. Yes, you know she has every right to do what she wants, that whatever the story is with that condom is an acceptable human story that predated you, yet you're deeply unnerved, weirded out, which just isn't a great platform for early romance.

I can't help but wonder if, even if the condom wasn't discovered, you would have found yourself ruminating about whether that was something she "always does" on first dates, given that you prefaced this whole thing by explaining that you're not a "promiscuous guy." Seems you think the other night was a bit "promiscuous" on both your parts—a negative self-judgement that extends to her?

That said, if you're still interested in her, believe you can be more curious and accepting than suspicious—well, see her again. Chat about who you are, how you operate, what you expect from romance, what you're looking for in dating. That's what it's all about, the planting of the seeds that sometimes blossom into exclusivity, and sometimes don't. Doesn't have to be a heavy summit, more of a confident expression of a personal truth that predated you knowing her. She can express her own. You can see how you feel: calm and excited, or edgy and wary—and proceed from there.

That said, perhaps moving forward, be it with her or in general, the thing to do is wait a little longer before going back to someone's house? Seems you see that alone to be a bit taboo, and if that has the affect of you becoming suspicious about a woman it's best to hold off. Better to have any form of an "exclusivity" chat when you're chatting inside your comfort zone—which will be different for everyone—rather than retroactively trying to make an uncomfortable moment feel comfortable.

As for your question about whether this "should" bother you and how you "should" feel about it—well, I don't think that can really be answered. You feel the way you feel, which is okay. I would likely feel different in your shoes, but I'm me, you're you, she's she. I don't think the goal of dating is to learn on the fly not to be bothered by things that bother you, but to find people who, on the fly, make you feel excited and secure.

There's no real harm, at this stage, in either seeing her again or deciding this unfortunate moment is too much. Either of those choices, I think, are better than spinning around in your head about it all. Keep getting to know her, or don't, and your questions will be answered organically.

Look at it his way... at least you didn't see it AFTER you had sex with her!!!

I have a different point of view and I'm not going to hide my opinions on these kinds of things.

She sounds very promiscuous. And she sounds very fast moving with little to no morals

The fact that she couldn't even be bothered to take the trash out from the last man she had sex with (which by the way could have very well been the day before) is quite gross.

I mean, geez,,,have some kind of class.

Do I think it's a deal breaker? Well..if you're looking for a loose woman who jumps into bed with everyone and anyone and you only want a good time, then she's your girl.

But if you're looking for a clean woman who is very careful on who she beds and wants a serious relationship, then this is absolutely a deal breaker.

I have a different point of view and I'm not going to hide my opinions on these kinds of things.

 

She sounds very promiscuous. And she sounds very fast moving with little to no morals

 

The fact that she couldn't even be bothered to take the trash out from the last man she had sex with (which by the way could have very well been the day before) is quite gross.

I mean, geez,,,have some kind of class.

 

Do I think it's a deal breaker? Well..if you're looking for a loose woman who jumps into bed with everyone and anyone and you only want a good time, then she's your girl.

 

But if you're looking for a clean woman who is very careful on who she beds and wants a serious relationship, then this is absolutely a deal breaker.

I agree with this.

It seems that you kind of can't help but judge her—and yourself—in a negative light after this experience. Yes, you know she has every right to do what she wants, that whatever the story is with that condom is an acceptable human story that predated you, yet you're deeply unnerved, weirded out, which just isn't a great platform for early romance.

 

I can't help but wonder if, even if the condom wasn't discovered, you would have found yourself ruminating about whether that was something she "always does" on first dates, given that you prefaced this whole thing by explaining that you're not a "promiscuous guy." Seems you think the other night was a bit "promiscuous" on both your parts—a negative self-judgement that extends to her?

I think you're right. Ultimately, I am negatively judging myself and her. That being said, I've had things move quickly in the past and it felt right. I've also had things move quickly and it felt wrong. Oddly, this seemed like a combination of the two. Initially, it just felt right, but then it felt really wrong. It was a strange series of events. I've been single about 6 months and for the first time since the break up, I found myself spending time with someone with a lot of sexual chemistry. It really did feel good and I enjoyed it. Then seeing the condom made me shameful and dirty about myself.

Ultimately, nothing really all that bad happened. We just made out and did some hand stuff, no real risk in that. I probably should just stop beating myself up about it. There is no way I would have ever been able to predict that condom would be sitting in that bathroom. There is also nothing I can do to change the past. If hadn't

seen the condom, I would (without a doubt) plan on seeing her again. I just wish i didn't have this negative judgment in the back of my head now :(

I wouldn't see her again for the reasons Sherry wrote -you're looking for a relationship and one of your values is you don't want someone who seems to sleep around and be comfortable with casual sex. I can't be sure but I would think if she had casual sex only once and that was the condom she would have gotten rid of the condom ASAP after - my strong sense is she routinely has men over and takes the trash out every few days and is fine with leaving the condoms around because it's a routine part of her lifestyle.

Look at it his way... at least you didn't see it AFTER you had sex with her!!!

Absolutely! I'm so glad things didn't go any further than they did.

I agree with this.

I agree too.

OP let the promiscuous gals to us, the promiscuous guys!

By the way, you know you are being hypocritical. You judge her for something you were about to do it yourself.

You are right. This is my gut feeling and why I was so perturbed by what I saw. For what its worth, she did seem like a slob in general. Her apartment was very messy in general.

I have a different point of view and I'm not going to hide my opinions on these kinds of things.

 

She sounds very promiscuous. And she sounds very fast moving with little to no morals

 

The fact that she couldn't even be bothered to take the trash out from the last man she had sex with (which by the way could have very well been the day before) is quite gross.

I mean, geez,,,have some kind of class.

 

Do I think it's a deal breaker? Well..if you're looking for a loose woman who jumps into bed with everyone and anyone and you only want a good time, then she's your girl.

 

But if you're looking for a clean woman who is very careful on who she beds and wants a serious relationship, then this is absolutely a deal breaker.

You are right. This is my gut feeling and why I was so perturbed by what I saw. For what its worth, she did seem like a slob in general. Her apartment was very messy. I guess its better to find something like this out sooner than later. I can only imagine how anxious I would be had we actually had sex! I do feel gross having even slept in her bed

I have a different point of view and I'm not going to hide my opinions on these kinds of things.

 

She sounds very promiscuous. And she sounds very fast moving with little to no morals

 

The fact that she couldn't even be bothered to take the trash out from the last man she had sex with (which by the way could have very well been the day before) is quite gross.

I mean, geez,,,have some kind of class.

 

Do I think it's a deal breaker? Well..if you're looking for a loose woman who jumps into bed with everyone and anyone and you only want a good time, then she's your girl.

 

But if you're looking for a clean woman who is very careful on who she beds and wants a serious relationship, then this is absolutely a deal breaker.

I would have to agree with this. How disgusting that she can't even be bothered to take out the trash with the condom. OMG! If I were in your shoes, I would find that quite disturbing. Granted, it's her prerogative to have sex with however men she wants but clean up, for heaven's sake. Gross.

You are right. This is my gut feeling and why I was so perturbed by what I saw. For what its worth, she did seem like a slob in general. Her apartment was very messy. I guess its better to find something like this out sooner than later. I can only imagine how anxious I would be had we actually had sex! I do feel gross having even slept in her bed

Well, at least you know what kind of person she is. And, sleeping on her bed where god knows how many men she's had on there....

Hope you showered really well afterwards!

I agree with this.

Me too! 100%.

I just wish i didn't have this negative judgment in the back of my head now :(

Alas, it happens. In a way, it's kind of what dating is all about, with this being a bit of the Animal House version of it all.

For instance: I was seeing someone briefly a good while back—maybe two weeks. Wasn't sure where it was going, but was enjoying the journey. Then one day she texted me asking to FaceTime, which is not something I do. I explained this, adding that I was working. She told me she'd had some wine and was going to FaceTime me anyway. I didn't pick up. She texted me something like "FaceTime MEEEEEEEEE." Boom—I was done. Switch flipped. She wasn't a monster. She was a smart and beautiful woman of 35, though one who suddenly struck me as being impulsive, clingy, and a graceless wine sipper in a way that made me go cold. I "judged" her as not worth more of my time.

As you can see from other posts, others would judge this woman negatively. That's allowed. Dating is not a humanitarian enterprise, but just a trip to the amusement park to find the humans you want to go on rides with. Along the way we step on some bubble gum, eat too much candy, get a little dizzy. Some nights are more fun than others, and some fun nights—or fun months—take unfun turns.

I do think it's a bit extreme to say you feel gross having slept in her bed. I mean, you were fine with having some drinks and fooling around with someone you'd known a few hours. If the expectation is that you are the only man a woman would ever consider doing that with—well, that's a double standard that doesn't do anyone any favors.

This was an unfortunate sequence of events, no doubt. Whether it was a window into her "lifestyle" or a window into a choice she made that's not quite in line with her authentic self you may never know, just like "FaceTime MEEEEEE" might have been the spastic hiccup of a stable soul I never got to know. Still, I think it's always good, for own spirits, to offer people some grace, even if it's people we've decided are no longer worth our time.

I was pretty "promiscuous" in my early-to-mid 20s. Never neglected the trash or left used condoms lying on top of it, though. That's more of a deal breaker to me than the fact she may have gotten laid a couple nights ago. I mean, I suppose it's mildly reassuring knowing she at least makes sure there's protection involved. But if I were you, whether I kept seeing her would be contingent on whether she was worth the lay or not. Have had sex with plenty of women early on and not put them into the "sex-only" zone, but her, I definitely would. Up to you. Doesn't have to be a big deal if it's a deal breaker. "Not feeling the chemistry / don't feel like a long-term fit" is all the explanation necessary, if that.

If you don't feel good about it in any way, don't speak to her again and don't see her. Just mention that you don't feel a spark and don't see it continuing and wish her well. It appears you respect her less after having seen what you've seen. Let that be and accept it for what it is. It's not worth dissecting to the nth degree. You're wasting your time. This is way too early in the game. Don't get so invested or deep into it. Carry on and enjoy meeting new people. Don't be apologetic for who you are or what you don't or do like in a partner (for whatever purpose/intention).

If she had bedded four guys the night before and didn't use a condom with any of them, this would be fine and no concerns at all since you wouldn't know about it.

I'm half asleep but . . . I notice what appears to be a used condom and its wrapper.

The other possibility is that it wasn't a condom after all. And in your half-asleep daze you and all of us are passing judgment on her for nothing.

You know what I apologize for any judgment on my part. My observation is that if it’s her apartment and we can assume the condom was used by her partner than either she had sex with s committed partner she was cheating on or sex with someone who she was casually dating. I also assume she knew the condom was there before she brought this guy to her place. I have no judgment on someone who chooses to have casual sex (if it’s a cheating situation then yes I do have a judgment). Without judging I can understand why he wouldn’t want to take the chance of seeing her again. That’s dating not “judging” in the negative sense. Dating requires judging many different situations.

Yikes! She didnt even bury in the garbage! lol

Well, you can't unsee these kind of things. and I don't blame you for being turned off. But I also applaud her using a condom. so many sti's out there. consider it a warning and always use a condom!

If someone is getting naked on first meets (not even first date) chances are they are promiscuous. While there is nothing wrong with that. Both men and women enjoy sex.... It's perfectly within your realm of decision making for yourself to no longer be interested.

At least you saw it early on and didn't waste too much time with someone you truly don't see eye to eye with.