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Thread: My closest friends and family are advising me to break things off with this girl

  1. #1

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    My closest friends and family are advising me to break things off with this girl

    I have grown very close to a girl [21F] who is very ready to date me. We've been talking since June, but I told her I really do not feel ready for personal reasons. She said that I'm worth waiting on and that she would wait on me. Some of those personal reasons include my own doubts about the relationship, which I think have been really reinforced by those around me who know me quite well. I've asked the opinion of 4 noteworthy people in my life: my dad, my mom, my best friend, and my college mentor. They all advise me that she does not seem ready for a serious relationship and that I should let go of her. Here are the red flags:

    (1) She lives with her ex still. She had dated him since around January, and it was apparently a very toxic relationship. She broke up with him in June, but still lives with him (2 bedroom apartment). He is very jealous of me and continues to be very toxic towards her about it, so she is finally trying to get out of there now. Now, I know what you may be thinking, but I'd like to ask you all to assume the best of her because I honestly am confident that she is trustworthy and has proven her loyalty to me. While we live an hour away from each other, she keeps me very updated daily on what she's done throughout the day. I realize and acknowledge I can't be 100% certain, but I do trust her.

    My only concern is that she has not had the proper amount of time and distance away from this toxic ex-boyfriend... If I were in her shoes, I feel that I would make it a priority to get away from that and cut things off before I can truly move on with my life. Even if she is completely loyal to me and disinterested in her ex like I believe she is, she has not been able to properly move on from what she describes as a toxic relationship where he was sexually harassing her. Plus, I know for certain that dating her while she's living with a jealous ex is just asking for trouble. I think my parents and close friends all agree this is something that shows she is not ready for a serious relationship.

    (2) She lives an hour away. This has been the least of my worries and generally the least of everyone else's. Really only my father said the distance would prove to be a problem. I do, however, find myself feeling drained thinking about driving an hour to be with someone who so many people that are close to me are advising me against.

    (3) She has already talked about being down to get married. Of course I think it's okay to talk about marriage in general while dating, but it always makes me uncomfortable when she starts talking about how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me already. It's flattering, but I am 22, a recent college graduate, still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I have not had many relationships. I always understood relationships to be a journey for both people to figure out together if they'd like to spend the rest of their lives with each other. So that is really intimidating for me to know she is in it for the long haul already. My college mentor said this was a red flag.

    (4) Last but not least, people close to me don't think it's a good idea. I guess the fact that so many people are telling me similar things makes me think wisdom is crying out to me and that I've just been ignoring it. My college mentor has perhaps the most valuable opinion because he knows both me and this girl pretty well, and he is of the opinion that she is simply not ready for a serious relationship. He says she needs to grow on her own without using me as a crutch. My father likes her but made a big deal about the distance and the ex-boyfriend situation. My mother thinks she sounds a bit insecure and needs to mature some more, while also being concerned about the ex-boyfriend situation. Finally, my mother and my best friend both have said that they just honestly believe there is someone better out there for me.

    So that's the difficult situation I face. I guess the reason I've held on so long is that I've been waiting for myself to feel ready, but I honestly don't see that happening any time soon as long as I am being advised against the situation. I know I have to make my own decision, but I also feel it's wise to listen to the opinions of those who know me best. She's an absolute sweetheart, and I really do care about her. I think she and I have potential to be a great couple: we get along, we communicate very well, and we support each other. But perhaps now is just not the wisest time to be pursuing this? What do you all think? Also, advice on how to end this if I must?

    I certainly have not provided every single detail of the relationship and what has happened over the past 5 months in this post, so please let me know if I need to provide any more useful information. Thanks for your time and consideration!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The people in your life are 100%....100000% correct.
    I wholeheartedly agree with what your mentor said in particular - she is monkey branching from one man to the next without taking any time at all to heal, live on her own, grow as a person and sort out who she is outside of relationships, get past her last relationship and sort out what went wrong with it, etc., etc. etc.

    She claims that her ex is toxic and yet she is herself behaving in a way that is completely toxic. Walk away is my advice as well. This isn't about her being loyal to you, it's about her not being in a healthy place and more importantly, not seeking to be. Monkey branching from guy to guy is by definition not a healthy behavior.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Trust your friends. #1 alone is a reason to run. This isn't an 'ex', if they live together.

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    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
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    Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.

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