Feel mean that I have cut off all means of communication

Until last night I had been in a relationship for three years and it was one in which I was always walking on eggshells and disregard my own wants/needs in order to avoid him lashing out. His moodiness was legendary (his mother even asked how on earth I put up with them) and whenever the slightest thing didn't go his way he would show aggressive tendencies, such as kicking a chair or making out like he was going to punch me. He would call me deeply offensive names (f*cking c*nt etc) if I disagreed with him over the tiniest detail. He never actually assaulted me, but I was always fearful of his reactions. This is just scratching the surface of his unpredictable, unstable behaviour and last night, after another show of aggression, I finally decided I was worth more.

He was amazed that I wasn't going to stay over at his flat after the way he spoke to me and just as amazed that I felt his behaviour warranted an apology, so I gave him his key back and left. Due to his aggressive and abusive tendencies I was too frightened to break things off in person, so I did it today, in writing. I could have gone into all the reasons why I was breaking things off and been really nasty about what he's done to me, but I kept it to the point and civil and wished him well at the end. I know that he would reply with a torrent of abuse and try to blame me for everything, so I blocked him from being able to reply through all communication methods. I tried and tried with this relationship and when he was in a good mood we got on well, but I could never relax, knowing that he could turn at any given moment. As time went on all the effort put in was mine and I was tired of his unpredictability and aggression when I got nothing back - no affection, no "I love you", no nothing. Despite all that, I feel pretty bad that I've completely cut him off. Have I done the right thing or should I unblock him and face whatever response he wants to throw at me?

. I know that he would reply with a torrent of abuse and try to blame me for everything, so I blocked him

I am utterly convinced this is why I don't like my mobile phone , honestly , I got verbally abused so bad and so cruelly over text years ago that a mobile phone to me became another source of torture , so I totally hear what you are saying .

You gave him his key and very wise to get out of there before ending it and then you told him what he needs to know when you was a safe distance ..keep him blocked and well done for making that break .

You seem pretty clear headed to me.

You had no issue laying out everything he did

That’s a good thing!

But it makes your need for validation not make sense.

You spelled out why he’s a bad bad man... what else is there?

Serious question.

Time to look within.

Good for you for doing the right thing, albeit not the easiest thing. Your future self will thank you so much!!

Now keep progressing forward! Don’t unblock him. If he were a reasonable, kind person, it would be different. But there’s absolutely NO sense in allowing him to verbally berate you when you know you’re done. Leave him to sort it out himself and you just worry about moving on and finding happiness.

Wish more people had the strength you do. Best of luck to you!!

Sorry you've been through this. Keep him and all his people blocked and deleted from all messaging apps and social media. Talk to trusted friends and family about this stay strong and stay away. Do not isolate. That is another abuser tool. Consider appropriate therapy to address all this.

I feel pretty bad that I've completely cut him off. Have I done the right thing or should I unblock him and face whatever response he wants to throw at me?

No you do not unblock or otherwise get in contact with an emotionally abusive person and keep expecting them to somehow change and be someone else.

You might do well to either read up on Stockholm Syndrome or get some counseling to understand your urge to stay in touch and keep appeasing him. It's not a good thing, but very common in victims of abuse. A survival mechanism in that if you appease and befriend your abuser, you might survive better. However, the real cure is to get away from that person and stay away and then do whatever you need to do to heal and move on. A large part of that is you learning to accept that evil people who mean to harm exist and by harm I don't mean just physical harm. Psychological harm in some ways can be even worse as it destroys you as a person for years to come and recovery is long and slow. When someone makes you feel fear - walk away and never look back.

get some counseling to understand your urge to stay in touch and keep appeasing him. It's not a good thing, but very common in victims of abuse. A survival mechanism in that if you appease and befriend your abuser, you might survive better

This 100%! I see it so often, and I have myself done this.... been tempted to reach out to my ex to see if we could have a friendship... after all we knew each other for 15 years... then he would do something that reminded me why he is not in my life anymore and the urge would disappear and I would be grateful for my freedom.

Play the tape out; anytime you feel like you want to contact him or try to fix things, think of all of the horrible things he said to you, how he treated you and how you felt about it and then decide if it's worth it.

Do not unblock unless you want more abuse. You know who he is, he has shown you a million times. He will not change. You did the right thing! Delete all contact info, too!

You should also seek therapy.

Also, do not seek out a new bf for at least a year. You need to get to a heathy place, or you will only choose another abuser, or some co dependent looking to rescue you, which is also unhealthy.

Are you living with family/friends or alone?

If alone I would move in with someone. He sounds very unstable, and I'm sure he wont just let this end.

You need to surround yourself with loved ones you can trust.

Well done for leaving him, that was very brave! Now keep yourself safe.

Take care

IMO, I think with crazy people you must keep crazy at bay and know from where they are coming from next. I think if you cut off all forms of communication I think that a crazy person will find another way to communicate with you. Show up at your house or work, or come up with fake names on social media to communicate with you. But if you keep one obscure line open then that might satisfy their hunger to get their digs into you.

The risk of this is that you might actually read the messages or have them make you feel bad. But at this point I think you are doing a GREAT job and you are strong mentally.

I will buck the system and say keep ONE single avenue open but don't actually read the messages, but don't delete them either. This way any threats that are made to you can be used in a TRO or if you need other legal help. Just my two cents. But either way you decide to go thru, you are going to find true happiness soon. :)

I blocked his number but my phone told me I had a message from a blocked number and displayed it in the notification anyway! It turns out he wasn't really bothered, because all he said was "OK, sorry for everything".

I think that I was just someone convenient to keep around for as long as he could get away with it.

I blocked his number but my phone told me I had a message from a blocked number and displayed it in the notification anyway! It turns out he wasn't really bothered, because all he said was "OK, sorry for everything".

 

I think that I was just someone convenient to keep around for as long as he could get away with it.

Please tell me what phone you have because I do know of phones that save messages from blocked numbers...

BUT

You have to actually click a few times to get to them.

Its 2019, I can’t imagine a phone showing messages from blocked numbers in your notifications, it would completely defeat the purpose.

So let’s just use logic and say, you either didn’t block him or you looked, you’re human, it is what it is, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

You can let go now.

Start the healing.

It may not feel like it now but it’s for the best.

Please tell me what phone you have because I do know of phones that save messages from blocked numbers...

 

BUT

 

You have to actually click a few times to get to them.

Why would I lie about such a thing?! It came up and said "BLOCKED NUMBER: OK, sorry for everything" without me having to do anything. I was relieved that those four words were all he could be bothered to write; it was just a surprise that the message came through in the first place when I assumed I'd prevented it. I'm already feeling fine about being alone because I no longer have to walk on eggshells or have so many days of my life ruined. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much of my time enduring abusive behaviour. If he wanted to talk to me after I blocked him he could have called my landline, called my work number or turned up in person. He didn't, so I can relax now.

Why would I lie about such a thing?! It came up and said "BLOCKED NUMBER: OK, sorry for everything" without me having to do anything. I was relieved that those four words were all he could be bothered to write; it was just a surprise that the message came through in the first place when I assumed I'd prevented it. I'm already feeling fine about being alone because I no longer have to walk on eggshells or have so many days of my life ruined. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much of my time enduring abusive behaviour. If he wanted to talk to me after I blocked him he could have called my landline, called my work number or turned up in person. He didn't, so I can relax now.

Again I ask, what phone do you have?

What reason would you have to lie?

Well to be fair, your previous posts explained his derogatory language as a tick and not necessarily directed at you, but rather from disorders he has, you stated he said ‘c*nt’ under his breath in the presence of his mother, all this still understandably distressed you, as it would be to most people, but in the same breath you were also keeping down right extreme tabs on him and his social media, my take would be two broken individuals finding their way to each other and their issues playing out in destructive ways.

Now that it’s over the story gets changed a bit when egos come into place, now everything is his fault. You’re advised you’re a strong woman and to keep him blocked, to then turn around and say ‘well I looked at my blocked messages and this is what he said’ you’d be opening yourself up to potential criticism... so to answer your question that would be a reason to lie.

To add to it, he wasn’t truly blocked since as you state he could have easily contacted you in other ways so you didn’t really block him, you were waiting at the edge of your seat for his blow up but now that it hasn’t come you seem a bit miffed...II would label it high school -esque drama but you state you’re both in your 40s.

Concerning.

But like I said in my other post, it’s over now, you can begin to heal and rebuild now.

Focus on that, one day at a time, healing, self reflection, finding yourself again.

It's an Honor 9 Lite. Accuse me of being a liar if you want, but I simply said what happened. I did not go looking for blocked messages and I do not see how I can block someone from calling my work number or showing up at my house. Going by his past behaviour, that's what I expected would happen when he realised he couldn't contact me by other methods and as I said, I am glad it didn't happen. I don't see how asking him why his behaviour suddenly changing in respect of his phone/social media constitutes keeping tabs on him, but I'm not going to get into an argument about it when I have ended the relationship.

Change your notifications settings on your phone to "Contacts only". That way you won't accidentally see a notification.

And your title says you "feel mean" that you blocked him from "all means of communication". That means you think you shouldn't have for some reason, that you think he should still have access to you despite everything he's done to you. But he shouldn't. It's best he is completely removed from your life in all ways.

It's an Honor 9 Lite. Accuse me of being a liar if you want, but I simply said what happened. I did not go looking for blocked messages and I do not see how I can block someone from calling my work number or showing up at my house. Going by his past behaviour, that's what I expected would happen when he realised he couldn't contact me by other methods and as I said, I am glad it didn't happen. I don't see how asking him why his behaviour suddenly changing in respect of his phone/social media constitutes keeping tabs on him, but I'm not going to get into an argument about it when I have ended the relationship.

You are absolutely right, no need to rehash anything.

It’s over and that’s a good thing.

Best of luck.