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Thread: Feel mean that I have cut off all means of communication

  1. #1
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    Feel mean that I have cut off all means of communication

    Until last night I had been in a relationship for three years and it was one in which I was always walking on eggshells and disregard my own wants/needs in order to avoid him lashing out. His moodiness was legendary (his mother even asked how on earth I put up with them) and whenever the slightest thing didn't go his way he would show aggressive tendencies, such as kicking a chair or making out like he was going to punch me. He would call me deeply offensive names (f*cking c*nt etc) if I disagreed with him over the tiniest detail. He never actually assaulted me, but I was always fearful of his reactions. This is just scratching the surface of his unpredictable, unstable behaviour and last night, after another show of aggression, I finally decided I was worth more.

    He was amazed that I wasn't going to stay over at his flat after the way he spoke to me and just as amazed that I felt his behaviour warranted an apology, so I gave him his key back and left. Due to his aggressive and abusive tendencies I was too frightened to break things off in person, so I did it today, in writing. I could have gone into all the reasons why I was breaking things off and been really nasty about what he's done to me, but I kept it to the point and civil and wished him well at the end. I know that he would reply with a torrent of abuse and try to blame me for everything, so I blocked him from being able to reply through all communication methods. I tried and tried with this relationship and when he was in a good mood we got on well, but I could never relax, knowing that he could turn at any given moment. As time went on all the effort put in was mine and I was tired of his unpredictability and aggression when I got nothing back - no affection, no "I love you", no nothing. Despite all that, I feel pretty bad that I've completely cut him off. Have I done the right thing or should I unblock him and face whatever response he wants to throw at me?

  2. #2
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    . I know that he would reply with a torrent of abuse and try to blame me for everything, so I blocked him
    I am utterly convinced this is why I don't like my mobile phone , honestly , I got verbally abused so bad and so cruelly over text years ago that a mobile phone to me became another source of torture , so I totally hear what you are saying .

    You gave him his key and very wise to get out of there before ending it and then you told him what he needs to know when you was a safe distance ..keep him blocked and well done for making that break .

  3. #3
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You seem pretty clear headed to me.

    You had no issue laying out everything he did

    Thatís a good thing!

    But it makes your need for validation not make sense.

    You spelled out why heís a bad bad man... what else is there?

    Serious question.

    Time to look within.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Good for you for doing the right thing, albeit not the easiest thing. Your future self will thank you so much!!

    Now keep progressing forward! Donít unblock him. If he were a reasonable, kind person, it would be different. But thereís absolutely NO sense in allowing him to verbally berate you when you know youíre done. Leave him to sort it out himself and you just worry about moving on and finding happiness.

    Wish more people had the strength you do. Best of luck to you!!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry you've been through this. Keep him and all his people blocked and deleted from all messaging apps and social media. Talk to trusted friends and family about this stay strong and stay away. Do not isolate. That is another abuser tool. Consider appropriate therapy to address all this.
    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    I feel pretty bad that I've completely cut him off. Have I done the right thing or should I unblock him and face whatever response he wants to throw at me?
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 11-04-2019 at 10:11 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No you do not unblock or otherwise get in contact with an emotionally abusive person and keep expecting them to somehow change and be someone else.

    You might do well to either read up on Stockholm Syndrome or get some counseling to understand your urge to stay in touch and keep appeasing him. It's not a good thing, but very common in victims of abuse. A survival mechanism in that if you appease and befriend your abuser, you might survive better. However, the real cure is to get away from that person and stay away and then do whatever you need to do to heal and move on. A large part of that is you learning to accept that evil people who mean to harm exist and by harm I don't mean just physical harm. Psychological harm in some ways can be even worse as it destroys you as a person for years to come and recovery is long and slow. When someone makes you feel fear - walk away and never look back.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    get some counseling to understand your urge to stay in touch and keep appeasing him. It's not a good thing, but very common in victims of abuse. A survival mechanism in that if you appease and befriend your abuser, you might survive better
    This 100%! I see it so often, and I have myself done this.... been tempted to reach out to my ex to see if we could have a friendship... after all we knew each other for 15 years... then he would do something that reminded me why he is not in my life anymore and the urge would disappear and I would be grateful for my freedom.

    Play the tape out; anytime you feel like you want to contact him or try to fix things, think of all of the horrible things he said to you, how he treated you and how you felt about it and then decide if it's worth it.

  9. #8
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    Do not unblock unless you want more abuse. You know who he is, he has shown you a million times. He will not change. You did the right thing! Delete all contact info, too!

    You should also seek therapy.

  10. #9
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    Also, do not seek out a new bf for at least a year. You need to get to a heathy place, or you will only choose another abuser, or some co dependent looking to rescue you, which is also unhealthy.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Are you living with family/friends or alone?
    If alone I would move in with someone. He sounds very unstable, and I'm sure he wont just let this end.
    You need to surround yourself with loved ones you can trust.
    Well done for leaving him, that was very brave! Now keep yourself safe.
    Take care

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