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Thread: Falling for a Guy where I donít know where we stand

  1. #1

    Falling for a Guy where I donít know where we stand

    Hey

    I am a girl in need of some serious advice. So I came out of a relationship about 7 months ago. I since went on a little bit of a dating spree to help launch myself back into single life after breaking up. I have spent time healing etc and focusing on my career and am finally in a happier place. Happier than I ever was in the relationship.

    So... hereís the thing- I basically had a fling some intimate relations with some other guys Iíve met in person and from tinder. All good fun with no intention of having anything serious.

    Then, I met this guy who asked me on a date promptly and we had a great time. We had a long date- he bought dinner- we got very drunk and ended up having sex. Heís very easy going and heís really cool. Then we had a second date, got quite tipsy and slept together again. Third time, he left his wallet at my place so we met up to exchange and he offered to take me to dinner again. We didnít get drunk, we had a lovely time and we didnít have sex.

    He has recently moved to the area and doesnít know many people. So I kind of was happy to show him around and introduce him to some nice places. We have had lots of fun and get in really really well.

    He didnít text me for a few days after the third date so I ended up texting first and he told me that he didnít see us dating for the foreseeable future because he came out of a messy breakup and started a new job/ was looking for a new place to live etc also. Although this breakup is overseas from where he moved.

    Anyway, I said it was cool and I didnít want to get involved more or less. But that I also liked him and so it sucked. He always was watching my Instagram stories before when we were dating. Then stopped. Dead silence. Then last week he started watching my stories again and I know he had been checking out my content because he is one of my top followers. (Weird side tangent I know). Anyway he was on my mind again and I feel I was on his.

    So I texted him asking about his moving situation casually as heís found a new place to live. He was very into texting me back but I was casual about it. Anyway we got talking again and he asked me out again (with no suggestion on my part at all- was simply asking about the move). I touched on the fact jokingly that he said he didnít want to see me for the foreseeable future and he said that heís been through a messy breakup and that he wanted to be honest with me. That he didnít want things to get too deep, but that he also doesnít know what he wants. Which is exactly the same as me. I said Iíd rather go for a drink and he agreed.

    So we went out and had a really fun time again. This time I felt he opened up
    To be a little
    More and we had some deep intellectual conversation also. He complimented me lots like before and we went back to his. Then we listened to music for again and stayed up talking. He kissed me, one thing led to another and we slept
    Together again. This time it was a little more passionate. He is really
    Into touching and snuggles- all of the times we have spent the night together he has been touchy freely in the mornings and afterwards but this time we were closer. It felt really good and the conversations we have are really relaxed. I just really get on with him and I feel that on the latest date he asked a lot more about me and what Iím doing career wise etc. Perhaps he was being polite, as we are both curious people, but I donít know. Now I feel like I like him, but Iíve been hurt because I was in love before in my last relationship so Iím being extra cautious. I have a feeling he is in a similar
    Place or maybe he just wants something casual. He is very respectful and gentlemanly I feel with me and I do think that he gets me and I get him. We just sort of have a connection. But i just donít know where to go from here without being the one to say that I want to like date him properly and for him to in the distant
    Future be my boyfriend. We still have to get to know each other more. What can I do to draw him in or to figure out how heís feeling/ thinking? Any ideas? Thanks

  2. #2
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Maybe I'm just not with the times... but if you want a serious and meaningful relationship with anyone, you probably should not sleep with them on the first and second dates.

    Guys want to have sex, always, that is just a fact, it is our biological imperative. If you are attractive and you make yourself available with no strings attached, 99% of hetero guys off the street will have sex with you, but it does not mean they will want a future with you. You cannot sh@g somebody into loving you. For all you know, every time he withdraws a bit, every time he tells you he "does not feel ready for a relationship" or other BS like that, he is seeing somebody else. You guys are SO early in your relationship that he is within his rights to be seeing other people, you have not had the "exclusivity talk" yet, it is silly to get so attached and try to micro-analyze his every word and action to figure out what he is thinking.

    Frankly you are just a FWB to him right now, a bit of fun and pleasure in a new city. If he is the liberal type who does not mind seriously dating a promiscuous woman, there is a small chance something more can develop from it. If not, I am afraid he lost respect for you the first time you slept together and this will never progress beyond FWB.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I think you may have had a better outcome if you presented yourself as dating material by dating and getting to know each other, rather than jumping between the sheets from the word "go." (No offense).

    He saw you as a FWBs, whom he didn't have to chase of date, yet when you wanted more, all of sudden he stated he was going through a messy breakup, etc. In short, he likes you enough to have sex with you, and nothing more. Hopefully you'll take the lesson with you...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    He gave you his answer.

    He is only looking for casual.

    His kindness doesnít mean heís suddenly had a change of heart, his words will mean that.

    Donít get me wrong, I donít agree at all with mirror about promiscuity.

    I mean he had sex with you too right?

    But I do agree that sex will not get a man to love you.

    So use your words, if he doesnít feel the same protect your mind body and emotions by walking away.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can't say I totally agree with Mirror about my gender, or even intra-gender dynamics, though I do agree with much of the sentiment as it pertains to this dynamic.

    Brass tacks being: you guys met twice, slept together twice, and he was already doing the fade. That right there said a lot. When you poked at him, he let you know in no uncertain terms that he wasn't interested in dating you, and faded out hard. And that was thatóor would have been, had the above played out in, say, 2011.

    Alas, enter Instagram, that pesky portal that some people love to turn into tea leaves. He starts watching some stories, you opt to poke again, which sent a pretty clear signal to him (if I had to guess) that you remained "down" without him having to even get off the couch. And, well, here you are: hanging and sleeping with nice enough guy who you're pretty sure isn't into much more than what he's doing, since prior to round two he prefaced it again by saying exactly that. He has, to give him credit, been completely honest without about not being very into you, in both words and actions.

    So, what to do?

    Well, you can always just ask him what he's feeling and thinking and see if anything has changed, something that really shouldn't be hard with someone who (a) you're getting naked with and (b) you feel you have a connection with. I mean, how strong can a connection be when you're skittish about asking someone you're intimate with what they think about you? That's a question worth giving some thought, wherever this goes.

    Thing is: If again he tells you he's not into much more than hangs and hookups, you have to be prepared to be honestówith yourself. You're already stepping down a path that has some hurt written all over it, so if he tells you he's not feeling it on the same level I'd say that's a moment to give yourself some love and respect, gracefully bow out, and not worry too much about what happens on Instagram after.

    All that is really just curiosity, nothing more. If you think about it, it's a pretty low bar if some story views from a dude is enough to think a dude is interested in you. A guy who is really interested will show it a lot more directly than mindlessly flipping through some IG stories and saying "heyyyyy" after you say "hey." He'll tell you he likes you, will take you out, and so on. Which I think is what you really want out of romance, because it's what you deserve. Not sure this guy has that in him, sadly, but better to know that now, clearly, so you can make room for a dude who will be over the moon about you in a way where you won't feel like you have to extract his affection through careful chess moves.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Simply put, if you're hoping a person changes in a major way, either in their behavior or feelings, you're wasting your time. Time and time again, when the person is ready to date, it's always with someone else. It's also very often that the guy makes excuses that don't really exist because he thinks it's kinder to not say, "I'm just not that into you."

    The secret to relationship happiness is choosing someone who doesn't require change in your eyes.

    Please listen to what he said, and know that wishing, hoping, praying, and conspiring won't magically make him want what you want. He tells you like it is so you can decide for yourself if you want to walk away, and if you don't, he will take from you, guilt free, whatever you're offering since he spelled it out and you're a grown woman who should've understood.

    Keep walking away from guys who aren't crazy about you so you'll be free when the one who is, comes along.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, it sounds like he is still in touch with his gf overseas. Date casually and have fun if you like but he is not looking for anything serious at this time and has been honest about that. It sounds like he's looking for some casual local fun. Do not get too invested in this given his preemptive warning.
    Originally Posted by daphnedenis
    He has recently moved to the area and doesnít know many people.

    he told me that he didnít see us dating for the foreseeable future because he came out of a messy breakup and started a new job/ was looking for a new place to live etc also.

    i just donít know where to go from here without being the one to say that I want to like date him properly and for him to in the distant Future be my boyfriend.

  9. #8
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    I agree with Heartgo on and Figureitout.

    I'd change your mindset -you use words to the effect that sex "just happens". It doesn't. You choose to get drunk and you choose the consequences. You choose to have intercourse in these situations knowing the risks of getting more attached and the risk that he won't be interested in seeing you again. I think he had at most lukewarm interest in seeing you that second time and while I am a big fan of watch actions not words -there's an exception -if someone you just met tells you he's not interested in a serious relationship (most likely add to that "with you" - people act polite to people they don't know especially) then listen to those words. He was making sure he did not mislead you from the beginning. A person who wants to be with you would never ever sabotage those chances by sharing that information (meaning even if a breakup was recent he'd have decided to date you and get over his ex and move on in order to be with you so no need to share). He told you he wanted nothing deep other than to be physically deep inside of you. You agreed. Please don't overthink his other words. I agree with the others.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    well, like others have said he is telling you where he is with you- casual.

    But you want him to be your bf. However, sleeping with him without strings will not create strings.

    I'm not saying it's too late but right now it's not ginna be a proper relatiinship. I would wait for him to ask you out again and be polite but say no.

    Do not contact him, but be polite when he contacts you... Let him keep asking you out and you keep saying no.

    It would be weird to dump him, but if he asks you why you won't go out, that's when you say- I know you just want casual and I don't.

    This could take some time for it to reach the point where asks, but in that time, you may meet someone else.

    If you want a relationship, don't settle for FWB. human beings (both men and women) sometimes will do the bare minimum to keep someone strung along. we can't help it. we want what we want.

    You have to take the power back.


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