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Thread: What is my ex trying to do?

  1. #1

    What is my ex trying to do?

    My ex broke up with me about six months ago and we've been in and out of contact ever since. We recently went through almost two months of NC then started talking every day again, but I suggested we give each other some space so that she could figure out if she wants to get back together or not since she's still apprehensive.

    She texted me last week that she saw something at the mall that she thought I would like and mailed it to me. We continued NC after that but then two nights ago she drunk texted me on a night out and told me she misses me and hopes I have a good weekend.

    Last time we had a serious conversation about our relationship, she said she really wants to give me another chance but is afraid of getting hurt again. I decided giving her space would be for the best. I don't know if her buying me something and breaking no contact constantly like this and drunk texting me is a good thing or not.

    On a side note, I recently found out that both of her brothers are following this guy she's been spending a lot of time with on Instagram. She insists that they're just really good friends (they were friends all throughout college and live near each other) and I believed her because she has a couple guy best friends, but it seems off to me that her brothers are following this guy. I know for certain she still has feelings for me and I highly doubt she would want anything to do with me if she's possibly seeing someone else, but is it possible that she could just be playing me?

    I don't know what to think of her actions anymore. I'm just confused and feeling like I need to keep my distance to protect myself but also holding onto hope that her actions indicate she still wants to be together and is just hoping for me to continue chasing her.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    There's a lack of stability here. First it's NC, then talking, you suggest space, she buys you something at the mall, mails it to you, you accept, then NC after that, next drunk texting you. She's all over the map.

    Her brothers are following this guy on IG. I'm not sure where that's going.

    Tell her it's time for both of you to go your separate ways.

    You really need to move on.

  3. #3
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    If she broke up with you, why is she scared of getting hurt again? What did you do to hurt her?

    Your story is all over the place and inconsistent. To be honest it looks like you are struggling to get over her and just looking for signs that there is still hope and looking to us for encouragement.

    Be honest with yourself. I think you will find the answer you are looking for.

  4. #4
    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    If she broke up with you, why is she scared of getting hurt again? What did you do to hurt her?

    Your story is all over the place and inconsistent. To be honest it looks like you are struggling to get over her and just looking for signs that there is still hope and looking to us for encouragement.

    Be honest with yourself. I think you will find the answer you are looking for.
    I mean I do feel like there is hope based on her actions and because there is a part of me wants to keep fighting for her instead of moving on. But after I saw that her brothers are following this guy on Instagram I'm thinking that maybe she has been seeing someone new for a while. I don't know if I'm overthinking it and assuming the worst or if it's reasonable to think that way. I guess I just want to know what you all think it could be?

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Seems like the go-to responses on this forum are “break up immediately,” “cut him/her completely off,” and the like. Oftentimes I agree, but in your case I’m not personally getting that vibe. To me it sounds like you both want a second chance. Six months of being broken up seems like a reasonable amount of time to reflect back on whether or not you really enjoyed the relationship and to see what, if anything, has changed about the circumstances.

    The hardest part is making a solid decision because we all want to be 100% sure about our choice...but of course that’s impossible. We can’t know all the variables (Instagram guys, etc.)

    I’d say make a decision on what YOU want and then shoot your shot:

    If you want to try to win her back then GO FOR IT. Commit to the risk you put yourself in (possible rejection, possibly you guys try again but it isn’t really a healthy relationship?) The possible upside is you get back to your true love. And what could be worth fighting for more than true love?

    If you decide that it would be best to move on and take the lessons learned and meet someone new and begin a fresh romance? Well then maybe a KIND “so long” message followed by strict NC is in order.

    Whatever you decide, I feel like if you OWN that decision and throw yourself into that course of action unreservedly then you WILL be rewarded.

    Best of luck! Keep us posted?

  7. #6
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    How did you hurt her?

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Seems like the go-to responses on this forum are “break up immediately,” “cut him/her completely off,” and the like. Oftentimes I agree, but in your case I’m not personally getting that vibe. To me it sounds like you both want a second chance. Six months of being broken up seems like a reasonable amount of time to reflect back on whether or not you really enjoyed the relationship and to see what, if anything, has changed about the circumstances.

    The hardest part is making a solid decision because we all want to be 100% sure about our choice...but of course that’s impossible. We can’t know all the variables (Instagram guys, etc.)

    I’d say make a decision on what YOU want and then shoot your shot:

    If you want to try to win her back then GO FOR IT. Commit to the risk you put yourself in (possible rejection, possibly you guys try again but it isn’t really a healthy relationship?) The possible upside is you get back to your true love. And what could be worth fighting for more than true love?

    If you decide that it would be best to move on and take the lessons learned and meet someone new and begin a fresh romance? Well then maybe a KIND “so long” message followed by strict NC is in order.

    Whatever you decide, I feel like if you OWN that decision and throw yourself into that course of action unreservedly then you WILL be rewarded.

    Best of luck! Keep us posted?
    Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I really do want a second chance and it seems to me that she does too but I can't convince someone to be ready to try again with me if they don't feel ready. I don't know if she ever will be, which is why I don't know if doing no contact is the right thing to do. I am hoping that allowing her time and space to think will help her solidify whatever decision she comes to, but now I'm afraid that I'm holding onto hope when it is possible that she is seeing someone else. I will keep you all updated though!

    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How did you hurt her?
    I wasn't always kind to her when we got into fights. I said hurtful things during arguments. During our time apart I worked on myself and went to therapy to get help for that issue. When we started talking regularly again she got a chance to see how much I've changed and it was a huge factor in her considering giving me another chance, but I know the past pains still linger and I can't blame her for them. Just hoping that if I show her that I can be a more gentle lover that eventually those bad memories can be replaced with better ones.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great stuff from Skeptic.

    If you know you want to get back with her—well, own it. The Instagram/drunk text stuff can go forever—a kind of emotional purgatory that, while often inevitable, can get murky quickly. There's a fine line, in the end, between giving someone space and hanging out on the sidelines—a line you guys have been dancing on since breaking up.

    So I say take a few deep breaths and really figure out what you want. If it's truly another chance, put that out there, and see what comes. All possibilities are wins, in a way, because it gets you out of this purgatory. Maybe you're together on the other side, maybe not, but you're flipping a page in the story of your life instead of reading the same few paragraphs over and over again, you know?

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Great stuff from Skeptic.

    If you know you want to get back with her—well, own it. The Instagram/drunk text stuff can go forever—a kind of emotional purgatory that, while often inevitable, can get murky quickly. There's a fine line, in the end, between giving someone space and hanging out on the sidelines—a line you guys have been dancing on since breaking up.

    So I say take a few deep breaths and really figure out what you want. If it's truly another chance, put that out there, and see what comes. All possibilities are wins, in a way, because it gets you out of this purgatory. Maybe you're together on the other side, maybe not, but you're flipping a page in the story of your life instead of reading the same few paragraphs over and over again, you know?
    What if I already asked for a second chance and she denied me it because she's afraid/doesn't think it'll work? Should I stick around and keep trying, or should I move on with my life? Not knowing if I should try harder or give up is like being in purgatory itself. I wish I could get a simple yes/no, but unfortunately it's the uncertainty on her end that has me uncertain too.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by stillhere
    What if I already asked for a second chance and she denied me it because she's afraid/doesn't think it'll work? Should I stick around and keep trying, or should I move on with my life? Not knowing if I should try harder or give up is like being in purgatory itself. I wish I could get a simple yes/no, but unfortunately it's the uncertainty on her end that has me uncertain too.
    I mean, I'm a believer that getting back together, which I've done once, is pretty simple. One person says they want to get back together. The other person says they do too. And—boom—you give it a go. If you can't extract simple yes or no, it's worth asking, with clear eyes, if you genuinely think the time is right. Stirring a ladle over and over in gray stew rarely does anything but make it more gray, you know?

    When was the last time you voiced, clearly, that you'd like to get back together?

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