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Thread: What is my ex trying to do?

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I mean, I'm a believer that getting back together, which I've done once, is pretty simple. One person says they want to get back together. The other person says they do too. And—boom—you give it a go. If you can't extract simple yes or no, it's worth asking, with clear eyes, if you genuinely think the time is right. Stirring a ladle over and over in gray stew rarely does anything but make it more gray, you know?

    When was the last time you voiced, clearly, that you'd like to get back together?
    I asked her a month ago and she said no because she thinks it's too soon to get back together. She's afraid and doesn't want to get hurt again. I told her I understand and suggested we limit contact which eventually turned into NC. Basically I've been distancing myself heavily because I figured if it's a no then it'll always be a no. She has reached out to me multiple times ever since, including in the instances I detailed in this post. I've tried to keep my responses with her short and trying not to be engaging, but I fear that I might be pushing her away if it happens to be the case that she's trying to pull me close.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's either very tricky or very simple, depending on how you look at it.

    Breakups are almost universally confusing. Rarely is anyone 100 percent sure it was the right idea, and after the break there is a void that is pretty painful. How to handle that void? People do all sorts of things, from getting ripped at the gym to studying buddhism to swiping right like a banshee to, well, texting their exes here and there. It's rarely malicious, but that doesn't mean the intentions behind it are clear—and, of course, it can lead to more confusion and hurt.

    She sounds like she's in a pretty classic state: she does't quite want to be with you, but nor does she totally want to "lose" you. I can only speak for myself, but I'm not particularly interested in people who view me through that sort of lens, be it an ex or a new person who is skittish because some dude before me left some fresh wounds on the heart. There's just not enough meat on the bone to chew on. Probably I've chewed on a few of those bones here and there to learn that lesson.

    What would I do, in your shoes? One of two things: I'd make it clear, again, that you'd like to get back together and that the only contact you can have moving forward needs to be about that, as anything else is too confusing. She'll respond how she responds, but now you've made it clear what you will respond to, so you don't have to bother with deciphering drunken texts and IG feeds for answers. Or you just let it all breathe for a bit, not feeling like you're trying to score before the buzzer rings, since this isn't some game with a clock and scoreboard. Reflect a bit, live a bit, see how you feel in another few weeks without the nebulous stuff turning your brain to mush.

    It's all hard, I know. Been in your shoes here and there, though I'm not someone who can sit in limbo very long. I tend to just honor my feelings, whatever they are, trusting that if things are going to come together it's not going to feel like pulling teeth—because I know that I don't want any relationship I'm in, be it a new one or a new start to an old one, to feel like a mastery of dentistry is required to make it shine again.

    Can I ask how old you guys are, and how long you were together?

  3. #13
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    What about couples therapy if she is willing to give it a chance ?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 11-04-2019 at 12:53 AM.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    None of us know her...makes it really difficult to say “here’s what to do” because we have to speak in generalities....

    Don’t take any advice from me anyway (you can read my other posts and see I’m just as lost as the next clown 🤡)

    That said - there *may* be a case for “storming the castle.” An all out, unabashed, rom-com style, win her back with a full frontal assault of affection kind of thing. The risk is obviously a super high level of vulnerability and the possibility of some heavy duty egg on the face. Personally I think if it really is true love then I would rather live knowing I gave it my all and have to heal from rejection and self-consciousness than to die wondering “what if” after however many years of the “coulda shoulda wouldas.”

    Obviously this is not the pragmatic, logical approach...and obviously there are many paths to top of the mountain.

    Good luck dude!

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  6. #15
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    It's either very tricky or very simple, depending on how you look at it.

    Breakups are almost universally confusing. Rarely is anyone 100 percent sure it was the right idea, and after the break there is a void that is pretty painful. How to handle that void? People do all sorts of things, from getting ripped at the gym to studying buddhism to swiping right like a banshee to, well, texting their exes here and there. It's rarely malicious, but that doesn't mean the intentions behind it are clear—and, of course, it can lead to more confusion and hurt.

    She sounds like she's in a pretty classic state: she does't quite want to be with you, but nor does she totally want to "lose" you. I can only speak for myself, but I'm not particularly interested in people who view me through that sort of lens, be it an ex or a new person who is skittish because some dude before me left some fresh wounds on the heart. There's just not enough meat on the bone to chew on. Probably I've chewed on a few of those bones here and there to learn that lesson.

    What would I do, in your shoes? One of two things: I'd make it clear, again, that you'd like to get back together and that the only contact you can have moving forward needs to be about that, as anything else is too confusing. She'll respond how she responds, but now you've made it clear what you will respond to, so you don't have to bother with deciphering drunken texts and IG feeds for answers. Or you just let it all breathe for a bit, not feeling like you're trying to score before the buzzer rings, since this isn't some game with a clock and scoreboard. Reflect a bit, live a bit, see how you feel in another few weeks without the nebulous stuff turning your brain to mush.

    It's all hard, I know. Been in your shoes here and there, though I'm not someone who can sit in limbo very long. I tend to just honor my feelings, whatever they are, trusting that if things are going to come together it's not going to feel like pulling teeth—because I know that I don't want any relationship I'm in, be it a new one or a new start to an old one, to feel like a mastery of dentistry is required to make it shine again.

    Can I ask how old you guys are, and how long you were together?
    I think for now it would make sense to take a breather and see how I feel and see also what happens in another few weeks. Thank you for your input, it really helps put things into perspective! I'm 22 and she's 21. We were together for three years and friends for two so we've been in each other's lives for a little over five years which is what makes it so difficult to move on and let go. There's a lot of history and we were together through major growing stages and I think that makes it all the more tricky. Maybe she wants to explore something new and this wasn't true love like I had thought? I guess time will tell.

    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    What about couples therapy?
    I suggested this, but she rather focus on herself and her own mental health than invest her energy into repairing a relationship. I can't blame her for that, it makes sense.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You've got a really good mindset about all this. Had you told me you were 40—my age—I'd have believed you. Alas, however, 21/22 is a fertile time, the transition from adolescence into adulthood. Can only imagine that some of that's at work here—lots of feelings, lots of paths, lots of itches that don't quite make sense. I'd encourage you right now to sit with your own feelings a bit, rather than trying to decipher hers. Clarity will come, and it will guide you.

    True love, at least in my opinion, is not measured by time or even by lasting "forever." That's what makes it all so mysterious. Guess I'm just saying that I wouldn't let this chapter be about trying to gauge its "truth" but just to see if this is truly the right time to reconnect. There are no wrong answers, though I do understand you'd prefer one answer to another. Hard place to be, but a very human one.

    Wishing you luck, and do hope you'll keep us posted.

  8. #17
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You've got a really good mindset about all this. Had you told me you were 40—my age—I'd have believed you. Alas, however, 21/22 is a fertile time, the transition from adolescence into adulthood. Can only imagine that some of that's at work here—lots of feelings, lots of paths, lots of itches that don't quite make sense. I'd encourage you right now to sit with your own feelings a bit, rather than trying to decipher hers. Clarity will come, and it will guide you.

    True love, at least in my opinion, is not measured by time or even by lasting "forever." That's what makes it all so mysterious. Guess I'm just saying that I wouldn't let this chapter be about trying to gauge its "truth" but just to see if this is truly the right time to reconnect. There are no wrong answers, though I do understand you'd prefer one answer to another. Hard place to be, but a very human one.

    Wishing you luck, and do hope you'll keep us posted.
    Thank you very much for all of this much needed wisdom, I really appreciate it. I will definitely keep you all posted.

  9. #18
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    I think she is going to turn to you when she's lonely and wants attention until she starts dating someone else, OP.

    As I read it, she doesn't want to get back together. However, she knows that being single also means you lose a convenient source of affection - in my opinion, that is what she is struggling with. So when she feels down, she comes looking for you.

    I would be careful here. She's already turned down your invitation to reconcile, try couple's therapy, and so on. If I had to put money on it, she will fade once things heat up with another guy and you will be gutted all over again.

  10. #19
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
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    Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.

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