What is a partner?

The title says it all lol.

Sadly ...it doesn't say enough

I wanted to get everyone's opinion first I guess. Sorry.

I think we all have different expectations because we are individuals ....but I am sure it will be interesting to see what everyone wants for themselves .

Is this about boundaries in dating? You had some issues with the wrong men or bad vibes in your previous thread.

"Partner" was a term which was mostly used to refer to a same sex significant other in the 1980s and even into the 1990s when I did most of my dating. I have rarely referred to my husband as my partner other than in a situation which called for it -sometimes at work or on a medical form, etc. He was my boyfriend, then fiancee then husband.

If you mean the substance of the relationship - to me someone you are committed to is someone who is very important in your life, who has your back and you have his, who is supportive and caring and there for you. He's my "emergency" contact on my phone and now my family too, the father of my child. We have love, we have financial obligations to each other, we don't make significant decisions without checking in with the other person, or significant purchases (yes we had a general talk - very pleasant talk -about what amount of $ that meant to us since, no, I don't want to ask him before I buy a pair of pants at Banana Republic lol, nor do I need him to tell me, etc).

Partners don't have to live together. We were very committed and didn't officially live together till we were married and even then we were long distance for the first almost 6 months of marriage.

The times I have felt the most conflict/disappointment have been in situations with my late inlaws (whether he put them first when I felt I should have been put first) and with certain of his friends, many years ago. I miss my inlaws by the way. I loved them, especially my MIL so those conflicts didn't disrupt those relationships.

It’s the person you trust to reveal your innermost self to, warts and all, and you also get to have sex together!

Is this about boundaries in dating? You had some issues with the wrong men or bad vibes in your previous thread.

Yes it is 😕

Thank you everyone for your opinions. My situation is kinda complicated but after 9 years, counseling seems to be our only option for him to realize that he may be a good friend/roommate... but he does not know how to be a boyfriend/partner.

Spill, girlfriend. What’s the situation?

To me a partner equals a team player who is part of a team where two people are working together towards a common future.

Spill, girlfriend. What’s the situation?

Oh man, I'll try to keep it short lol. My boyfriend likes to sleep 10- 12 hours a day, we live on different schedules and me saying I have a problem with either results in a huge fight.... every time *shakes head*. Just to name a few lol.

We've been doing this back and forth for 9 years now and he still doesn't know me. Like, at all lol. Almost 4 years ago I broke up with him but he came back saying things would change.

*sigh* I'm not even said that things are ending... I just am sad that he's making me do this again. He truly thinks I like bring him pain

This is an interesting question!

Partnership implies a few things to me:

- Equals

- Shared responsibility

- Great and harmless communication

- Effortless communication

- Consideration of each other

- Working out shared or individual goals together (you can have both)

- Respect

- Love

- Admiration

Whether you are partners or not doesn't matter, in terms of semantics or rhetorical questions. What matters is you're somehow both "stuck" together and complacent. The relationship has been fraught with on/off issues, incompatibility issues and seems to be marked by lassitude and inertia. Are you together because of fear of being out there again or fear of being alone? Ask these questions rather than roundabout definitions.

Rather than trying to change him, reflect and search within yourself what it is you really want. At some level you know finding issue after issue after issue is avoiding things and nitpicking on sleep and schedules, is more of a symptom than the problem.

See a doctor, make sure you're healthy. Get a referral to a psychologist. Go to therapy by yourself. Also get more involved outside of the house. Take some classes and courses. Join some groups and clubs or volunteer. Expand your horizons and social circle. Focus on your child and a better co-parenting relationship with her father.

Focus on changing up your own world and mindset rather than changing him.

I asked him out, he reluctantly said yes... his ex came back and he dumped me to get back with her. He eventually came back but it left a very big scar that never fully healed because of how ended things; came home from getting my kid from her dads and when I got home all of my boyfriends stuff was gone

 

We both will have turned 34 by the end of the year, so we are still young enough to start over. We are not married or engaged, no children together but I had a child before I got with him.

Does he need that amount of sleep because of his job? Why can't you two be on different schedules? What kind of "problems" do you have with it and how do you bring it up?

My husband is on a different schedule than me and my son. Night owl v. morning people/early riser. So I've been up since around 4 because of the time change/stuffy nose (son, not me). We have had conflict over his choices and even arguments over the years but mostly we've worked out compromises on how we divvy up the responsibilities like childcare, school schedules, early morning activities, my need to exercise preferably in the morning, etc. And i check in with myself if I feel myself getting resentful. He does me a huge favor daily which lets me sleep better at night so I take that into account.

I would need to know more about what problems come up and how you present these problems to him and whether you believe he sleeps because he "likes" to or that is how much sleep he needs -if he is getting 10-12 hours as I know people who wake up a lot in the middle of the night and sleep in "shifts" kind of.

Asking a vague question as you did won't get you relevant input.

Whether you are partners or not doesn't matter, in terms of semantics or rhetorical questions. What matters is you're somehow both "stuck" together and complacent. The relationship has been fraught with on/off issues, incompatibility issues and seems to be marked by lassitude and inertia. Are you together because of fear of being out there again or fear of being alone? Ask these questions rather than roundabout definitions.

 

Rather than trying to change him, reflect and search within yourself what it is you really want. At some level you know finding issue after issue after issue is avoiding things and nitpicking on sleep and schedules, is more of a symptom than the problem.

 

See a doctor, make sure you're healthy. Get a referral to a psychologist. Go to therapy by yourself. Also get more involved outside of the house. Take some classes and courses. Join some groups and clubs or volunteer. Expand your horizons and social circle. Focus on your child and a better co-parenting relationship with her father.

 

Focus on changing up your own world and mindset rather than changing him.

Long story short, I have been focusing on my world. But it's really hard to do that when you have someone in it causing chaos with how they live their life in your world. I haven't had many relationships so I don't know exactly what a partner is... I just know that this doesn't and hasn't felt right for a while now. Thus why I broke up with him once already. Looks like it's gonna be twice...

I've been to counseling by myself (but he's retired now 😭) and although I have problems... our dynamic is unhealthy and how we communicate is toxic. I don't know if my expectations for a partner are unrealistic and until I find a new counselor, I came here to see what everyone said.

Btw, my co-parenting relationship with my kids dad is great, not sure why you slipped that in there but ok lol. My kid's dad is the open that is suggesting I don't just give up, even though I'm pretty sure my boyfriend isn't my person lol.

My boyfriend and I are on a break atm and unless we go to counseling... I don't see it working. I can't counsel us, I've tried. We both needs an unbiased opinion to truly see what is happening in those destructive moments.

Post #12+16 you're speaking about things ending. If you feel it slipping from you and that you're both heading towards a break up, it'd do you better to face the facts and be more realistic about the relationship. It doesn't sound like you are happy at all. Don't force a square peg in a round hole. It sounds like you've been doing it for years and it's just not working. No partner would want to be with someone who wants them to change their lives or their career. If you're expecting him to do this, it's not fair on him.

Also, no one can make you do anything. You do things on your own of your own accord because you feel or think a certain way in response. You're very passive. I think you're down and out. Pick yourself up and look forward to the rest of your life. Things can improve if you want it to.

Does he need that amount of sleep because of his job? Why can't you two be on different schedules? What kind of "problems" do you have with it and how do you bring it up?

My husband is on a different schedule than me and my son. Night owl v. morning people/early riser. So I've been up since around 4 because of the time change/stuffy nose (son, not me). We have had conflict over his choices and even arguments over the years but mostly we've worked out compromises on how we divvy up the responsibilities like childcare, school schedules, early morning activities, my need to exercise preferably in the morning, etc. And i check in with myself if I feel myself getting resentful. He does me a huge favor daily which lets me sleep better at night so I take that into account.

 

I would need to know more about what problems come up and how you present these problems to him and whether you believe he sleeps because he "likes" to or that is how much sleep he needs -if he is getting 10-12 hours as I know people who wake up a lot in the middle of the night and sleep in "shifts" kind of.

 

Asking a vague question as you did won't get you relevant input.

He sleeps 10- 12 hours a day because that's how much sleep he says he needs. He now works 10 pm to 7 am, 5 days a week but has always been a night owl even when he worked days.

My problem is we haven't divvy up much of anything when it comes to responsibilities. And if we have... it's been because I've fought tooth and nail for him to do it. It is the same toxic pattern... I want something, he drags me through the mud before he reluctantly gives it to me. However, by than I don't even want it anymore 😄. Then I'm a bad guy lol. I don't want to continue this cycle anymore

Perhaps he sleeps in shift? I wouldn't really know because we've rarely slept together and I've been on the couch (by my own choice) for a couple of years now. He complains about not sleeping well but has no plan to correct any problem he ever has... so after a while it's kinda hard to keep caring about someone that doesn't really care about themselves.

Post #12+16 you're speaking about things ending. If you feel it slipping from you and that you're both heading towards a break up, it'd do you better to face the facts and be more realistic about the relationship. It doesn't sound like you are happy at all. Don't force a square peg in a round hole. It sounds like you've been doing it for years and it's just not working. No partner would want to be with someone who wants them to change their lives or their career. If you're expecting him to do this, it's not fair on him.

 

Also, no one can make you do anything. You do things on your own of your own accord because you feel or think a certain way in response. You're very passive. I think you're down and out. Pick yourself up and look forward to the rest of your life. Things can improve if you want it to.

You are correct Rose, I am unhappy and have been for a while. But so has he. I've been telling him I'm an a square, he is a circle and we just don't fit but he says... "no, it's because you chose to be upset, negative and cause problems. Everything is fine man, stop ruining everything negativity." I'm at the point where I'm fine with him making me the problem.

I would love to go to counseling because he's not a bad person... he's just maybe not my person? But he has talked to negative about it, I don't think it's really going to work. I know that if I break up with him and I'm emotional he will disregard the situation and think it was an irrational decision. It was hard enough the 1st time and I really hate him for making me do this again.

Try to focus on the good things in your life such as your child. Do you live together? How are you on break? Try to find another therapist, if this one retired. Go alone if he isn't cooperating.

my co-parenting relationship with my kids dad is great

 

My boyfriend and I are on a break atm and unless we go to counseling... I don't see it working.

Can you afford a break up? Do you have somewhere to go with your child? A break up should mean that it's permanent and that you're prepared to take care of not just yourself but your child. A break up doesn't mean all three of you continuing to live under the same roof and you sleeping on a couch. I hope your daughter is not on the couch with you. Both of you need a better living situation than this. It's no way to live. You're not happy in the relationship, the sleeping situation is not very healthy for you. I can't imagine how your back is doing, let alone your mental health. Of course you're negative and upset. This relationship is very imbalanced and unhealthy. Have you any friends or relatives close by that you trust?

No, it's not working. Get yourself out with your daughter in a safe way if you can afford it or if it's your apartment you're sharing with your daughter and you're paying the bills, he needs to leave. Whose apartment is this?

No one is making you do anything. He isn't making you do anything. Both of you disagree with each other. For some reason, you're having a very tough time backing your own rationale and reasons for things not working out. Your self-esteem is rock bottom and you're still blaming him for the way you feel. You feel a certain way because the relationship is incompatible and both of you disagree. Even though you're sleeping on the couch of your own accord, if there was another bedroom or bed, would you take it? If the answer is yes, the couch situation is inappropriate and shouldn't be continuing. I think you deserve more and your daughter deserves a mother that demands more.

Try to focus on the good things in your life such as your child. Do you live together? Try to find another therapist, if this one retired. Go alone if he isn't cooperating.

I'm doing my best to focus on the good things. I have a sorta of list/plan and I just keep trying to hang in there until a check a couple things off. Yes, we live together but technically I was here first so he is more than welcome to leave whenever he would chooses. I'm trying to find a new therapist and I've usually went alone. In the 5 years I went to counseling... he came twice but he said he didn't help him. Then we got a couples counselor, went... maybe 3 times and stopped because of him. But yes, I plan on restarting my therapeutic journey again :-)

Partner = Significant other.

It's time for your boyfriend of 9 years to become your EX-partner.

Ask yourself if you would like your child to have the same kind of relationship you have.

Children model their adult relationships on what they witnessed as children. Either they imitate/recreate or they do the exact opposite.

None of my siblings or I have had successful marriages due to what we saw as kids. We saw some damaging stuff. No abuse, no cheating that we knew of, just two people who stayed together "for the kids" who did not belong together and it was glaringly obvious they couldn't tolerate one another. So, as adults we chose poorly.

Please find the motivation to end this in what you would want for your child.

Does you child live with you or do you are custody? Does he have kids? Shift work is very challenging. But more challenging is disability and both people struggling with that.