Was in a relationship with a wonderful woman but something was missing...

Hi, recently I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman, I really felt she was ideal for me, she was kind, caring, supportive, pretty, everything I could have wanted in a partner. The first few times we met up it was exciting but then once the relationship started getting more serious my excitement started to fade and I didn't feel that ''spark''. I'm really confused why my feelings werent strong enough as I felt really lucky to have someone like her interested in me. Don't get me wrong the times we spent together were nice, I just can't pinpoint why I wasnt fully happy. I kept waiting and hoping to see if my feelings would get stronger over time but they didnt... She eventually broke up with me, probably sensed that I wasnt enthusiastic enough. Now I find shortly after the break up she's found someone else and it makes me really miss her and I feel depressed - but if I wasnt fully into it why do I feel so upset?

Some additional info - This was my first proper serious relationship and I do have problems with anxiety/OCD. Could these have played a factor as to why I wasnt fully content?

I really feel like ive missed out on something special, but I suppose feelings cant be forced...

It is simple ..well to me anyway

You met and entered phase 1 ..the honeymoon period , that is why it felt exciting . Then you naturally progressed to phase 2 ..the stay or walk away decision , you become more familiar and settled with a person and it either feels amazing and you start getting serious or you realise it isn't a fit and walk away ....or hang on in there like you did in the hope that that initial excitement comes back . You know it's right when that initial excitment goes but is replaced with intense feelings of falling for someone ..

She ended it so although you know deep down you are not right together , you didn't call it which always leaves one with a sense that their time was cut short and your thoughts hadn't run their course yet .

I don't believe your OCD played a part in you not feeling it ....I just believe you didn't belong together .

You have maybe got with someone else to quickly , haven't given yourself enough time to shake the old off before you start with the new .

Kind, caring, supportive and pretty sounds about as boring as a plank of wood. If that's predominantly the type of ideas she conjures up in you and, ironically, your alias is "creative1", this is incompatibility at its best.

I think your ego is slighted by seeing her with someone else. Let it go. Meet new people. Don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself a chance to meet more likeminded individuals.

It really is about chemistry..it's either there, or it isn't.

You're feeling sad now, not because of her per se, but rather that it seemed like something that was going to be special and didn't turn out that way and now you're feeling disappointed.

Which is understandable. You had hoped for a great romance.

But you're right, if the feelings aren't there, it can't be forced.

Kind, caring, supportive and pretty sounds about as boring as a plank of wood

Why is it? It sounds pretty darn great to me.

But it won't matter if someone is ideal, chemistry is a funny thing and you can't force it.

Why is it? It sounds pretty darn great to me.

You've snipped this out of context. I said predominantly. Maybe it's just me but I think someone should conjure up more than the idea of being generally pleasant. It doesn't sound like enough to go on. We are both talking about chemistry when it comes to compatibility or lack thereof.

You miss the attention she once doted on you, because it feels good to have a fan. Now that she's found a new bf, it's really clear that fandom will stop. How you describe her is how you could describe any female friend. Now you are free to find that woman who possesses all the traits you admire PLUS creates a spark in you that won't fizzle out. Many of us have had to go to bat many times before hitting the home run, so don't feel like you're the only one who doesn't do it the first time at home plate.

I think you just see her happy with someone else and if you are not seeing anyone else, you're a little jealous.

I just can't pinpoint why I wasnt fully happy.

You say this was your first relationship, so I wonder do you expect another person to make you happy? Cause it really doesn't work that way. You have to be happy on your own in order to be happy in a relationship. Maybe you just meant the relationship was making you unhappy or lacking. I just wanted to point it out... You gotta work on yourself and put work into a relationship, it's isn't magic based only on chemistry. Chemistry is great glue that keeps people together through the rough spots, but it's not fun and sex 24/7. Relationships (romantic, friendships, family, coworkers-- all of them) require hard work with a lot of compromise, commitment and benefit of the doubt at times, if they are going to last. And it comes from both people.

You are normal. Hey anyone can look good on paper, but if there's a lack of chemistry between you, it won't work. This can happen to anyone, so stop beating yourself up over it. You will meet someone that lights your fire.

I think your expectations got the best of you....being your first isn't always going to be the end all be all.

This isn't about her and has nothing to do with whoever you date. Try to address your anxiety, mood, etc better. Get to a doctor for a workup and get a referral to a qualified therapist.

Unfortunately you can't expect people or dating to correct underlying issues, no less deal with them because you haven't dealt with them in a satisfactory manner..

I just can't pinpoint why I wasnt fully happy. - This was my first proper serious relationship and I do have problems with anxiety/OCD.

Since this was your first "proper serious relationship" perhaps your expectations were too high, or your anxiety/OCD got the better of you. I imagine you miss her because you miss the attention that she gave you. Don't give up, though, you will find your perfect soulmate. If you seek therapy, you might find some insight and answers.

Thank you all for the replies, I'm really hoping its not my anxiety/OCD that ruined things, if so, thats really frustrating and upsetting. Wiseman2, surely my anxiety/OCD issues wouldn't prevent me from falling in love with her?

I did keep thinking ''is the grass greener on the other side'' when I was with her and had the urge to meet/date others but maybe the grass isnt greener... When we parted ways after a date I didn't miss her as much as I thought I should, I didn't really feel much emotion when we held hands. I felt guilty about all this but I really wanted it to work so I persisted and tried my best to see if my emotions got stronger, but unfortunately they didn't. It sucks because she really seemed into me.

Its strange to me how I wasnt fully content, but now its over im not interested in dating anyone new, any woman i've met since the break up hasnt been as nice as her. I keep thinking i've missed out on something really special. Perhaps im just not ready for that commitment at this stage in my life either...

I guess a part of why it hurts is my ego/jealousy. I actually managed to get a gorgeous women with a nice personality and she also liked me! If you'd told me that a year before I met her that in a years time I'd meet someone like that I'd be over the moon! Yet, when I finally had it I still wasn't content. Maybe deep down inside being single is more suited for me, though I do like the idea of being with someone.

I don't think it was your OCD or anxiety , I have both , quite bad actually and you didn't say anything in your post that set alarm bells off for me re your mental health .

She may not be what you fancy, that's all. Nonetheless address your happiness through appropriate treatment and follow up.

I'm really hoping its not my anxiety/OCD that ruined things, if so, thats really frustrating and upsetting.

Ah pippy longstocking thanks for letting me know, that helps. Yeah Wiseman2 I guess I just have to learn to trust my gut feeling despite not being able to know the reason WHY I felt the way I did about her...

I actually did see a therapist during my relationship with her, that's how much I wanted this relationship to work! The person I saw couldnt help that much though as they were not an expert in relationships. They just asked me if I felt the ''Butterflies'' in my stomach when I thought about this girl. I explained what i've said here, the first couple of dates it was exciting but then that excitement faded... There wasnt much more that they could help me with in regards to that

Everything you are describing is perfectly normal, hardly a condition to understand or treat.

You met a woman, you liked her, just not as much as you'd have liked or as much as she liked you. Whether someone's level of "into us" is a 3 or 10, we're under no obligation to mirror those feelings, just as you may find a woman so-so who I find compelling. That's kind of the mystery of it all—sometimes sweet, sometimes sour. People end things after a week, after a decade, for the very reasons you've ended this. It is allowed. It is healthy because it's honest, rather than trying to force a truth that doesn't exist in order to realize an idea (relationship, partnership, etc.) that you crave to realize.

I could write you a long list of things I love about my girlfriend, for instance, but those qualities (intelligence, self-possession, beauty, etc.) don't add up to the reason I have no interest in the grass in other meadows. Nor am I into her, or committed to her, because she's really into me. I just am. It can't really be thought through because feelings are bigger than thoughts, in ways. You have to trust them as their own language system. You know when you're tired, when you're hungry, and you know when you're falling in love and no longer interested in other people. It's basically that simple, and all the more precious for being rare.

You felt what felt, and it wasn't enough. It's a universal story playing out among people around the world, as you read this. If you want to bring OCD/anxiety into to, I'd say those are factors in you turning the simple story into one that is overly complex—and, in ways, more about you, and a verdict on you, than the mysteries of human connection. You strike me, for whatever it's worth, as someone who does very much want to be with someone, who is open to and "ready" for it. Those are beautiful things, that you can continue to celebrate and nurture in yourself. This was just not the person to celebrate them with, and that's okay.

Medical diagnosis? I think this all means that you are a human.

You so have to accept that you might never know why and trust me from having been there and made mistakes - sticking around for a long time while you’re trying to get to the root of it makes it worse. Sure - staying for awhile to see if the feeling passes, if the doubts resolve etc is fine - but torture yourself if you must but without subjecting her to it. Unless it’s a specific thing she can change or do or not do she can’t help you and sticking around will hurt her and is unfair. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

Boredom and mundane everyday life sets in for everyone. The honeymoon phase never lasts forever. You have to realize that life isn't constantly exciting 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. To expect constant sparks is extremely unrealistic.

Holidays, vacations, weekends, meals out, entertainment, movies, outings, excursions and fun times are only temporary. True and real happiness comes from everyday peace, harmony, compatibility, financial stability and some semblance of healthy control with everyday living. Control meaning a fairly predictable, peaceful, daily life. True happiness is finding happiness in the ordinary whether it's a daily walk alone or with your partner or a dog, making sure your household is running smoothly, chores, errands, taking good care of your and everyone's health, paying your bills on time and getting a reality check.

Dating is fun. However, once you accept repetitive down times, then you will feel grateful for this type of happiness and tranquility.

Yes, I think your anxiety / OCD has something to do with it because you're hyper and need constant excitement otherwise monotony sets in for you.

There are some women who are constantly action driven. I know quite a few of them who are constantly on-the-go, constantly doing something, productive, highly industrious, very hyper and super busy. They can't sit still to save their life. Perhaps you need to find someone who has your similar personality so there are no lulls in life.

What makes you think you have anxiety/OCD? Do you go to doctors or a therapist regularly for that? Does it seem to hamper other areas of you life?

In the case of this women, this happens all the time. After some time together things just peter out, but you can't exactly put your finger on it. Was she trying to move things forward too much?

The first few times we met up it was exciting but then once the relationship started getting more serious my excitement started to fade and I didn't feel that ''spark''.

 

- This was my first proper serious relationship and I do have problems with anxiety/OCD. .

Thanks for the replies again. Bluecastle yeah maybe I am just over complicating things and it just wasnt meant to be with her, its a real shame but I tried my best to make it work and unfortunately it didnt... Yeah it does seem like someone just ''ticking the boxes'' isnt enough sometimes...

I dont think I need someone constantly on-the-go, someone too hyper would probably make my anxiety worse, and I don't expect constant sparks but I want a feeling of contentment, you know, the feeling I have heard from others where you know you have found ''the one'' and arent interested in ever being with anyone else. I guess it being my first relationship im new to it all and didnt have any other relationship to compare it to.

I've seen therapists before about my anxiety/OCD, they help a bit but its hard to fully get rid of it. It can be quite annoying as I can make a big deal out of small problems but im trying to manage it better.

She did seem to want to move things forward, I got the impression she wanted to settle down and start a family. I was feeling discontent quite early on though.

If you were discontented early on that’s a sign. She was Miss Right on Paper. I also finally had that “ok my search is over I’m done “ in a way that I knew would last whether I felt excited moment to moment or not. And it has. So far for about 13 years or more. But - I share this because the first time we seriously dated several years earlier I didn’t feel that way and I was so upset and anxious about it. And yes I do know why it worked the second time and that always gave me a feeling of comfort and security in moving forward and finally marrying him.

Bluecastle yeah maybe I am just over complicating things and it just wasnt meant to be with her, its a real shame but I tried my best to make it work and unfortunately it didn't...

With the right person, at the right time, there won't be a sense of "trying to make it work." Especially early. It will just kind of work. Sure, as things progress there will be things you two "work through" together, but that's because you're together, in it, working from a set of potent feelings rather than "working" to feel a set of feelings that you don't feel. And over real time, of course, there may be some trying chapters—moments when yours or another's feelings change, don't align, fall out out sync, and some "work" is done to reset the scales. But in the early stages (let's say the first year or two) it really shouldn't feel like a cerebral exercise or math problem or like pushing a boulder up a hill.

Honestly, I think one of the greatest measurements of any connection is when it works, rather than how "successful" you can be at "making it work." If the head is spinning at the expense of the heart and body, it's likely that something just isn't clicking. Always sad, especially when the person is awesome, but not something to rake yourself over the coals about. Life has enough hardship in store for you without you needing to produce it.

Most people are just NOT our match. That's just natural odds. It's common to find really great people who we wouldn't necessarily want to make a permanent partner.

You did the right thing. Many people settle for less than love for any number of reasons, and while that's not against the law, it's kind of a rip-off to do that to yourself fresh out of the gate with a first relationship.

Hold out for true simpatico with the right person. Meanwhile, invest in your own self development to the degree that finding a partner becomes less relevant as YOU become your most important priority and comfortable with your Self solo. From that foundation, you'll be best positioned to screen out wrong matches early rather than latching onto them in the hope that they will somehow turn right for you. They won't. So skip that trap, and you'll thank yourself for being free to date the RIGHT person when you meet her.

Head high.

Thank you all again.

Yeah, human emotions are hard to figure out sometimes, I just have to learn to accept that my feelings just weren't strong enough for her and I'll probably never figure out why for sure. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us to carry it on, I guess it ended at the right time, its just the shock of her moving on so fast has hurt the most... I really really wanted it to work as on paper she was amazing...

I've gone NC for over 2 months now. I keep putting her on a pedestal and idolizing her but then if she was back in my life id probably feel that discontent again. I've met a few women since but there's none I like as much as her or who seem as enthusiastic about me. A big part of me feels that if I couldn't fall in love with her then I don't think I can with anyone, but i'll just have to wait and see I guess.

I guess some things that are helping in a way are thinking of ways she wasn't perfect, though I was feeling discontent with things before I saw this side of her, so they can't be the reason why I didn't fall in love. It was things like her giving me silent treatment/getting annoyed over little things, she could be a bit immature at times with her temper. Maybe i'm better off without her, if she got annoyed over small things then I can't imagine the issues we'd have if we lived together and a more important problem arose. I'm probably just clutching at straws there trying to convince myself she wasn't right for me as no ones perfect but oh well.

Thank you all again for the responses, you've been a great help :)

I keep putting her on a pedestal and idolizing her but then if she was back in my life id probably feel that discontent again. I've met a few women since but there's none I like as much as her or who seem as enthusiastic about me. A big part of me feels that if I couldn't fall in love with her then I don't think I can with anyone, but i'll just have to wait and see I guess.

This, to me, reads like it is way more about OCD/anxiety—or perhaps simply inexperience—than it really is about her.

I'm 40, for reference, with a lot of experience in dating and relationships: big loves, jagged loves, loves lost, loves let go of, toxic interludes, some lovely cursory stuff, and mixed in with all that plenty of almost-bullseyes and total misses with wonderful women that flamed and fizzled. At the end of the day the people I've fallen in love with are unique because...well, because for some reason I fell in love with them and they fell in love with me. There's really no math to that, save the arithmetic of feeling.

I could write a pretty long list of fantastic, dynamic women who, for whatever reasons, I didn't feel the juju with, though unlike you I never considered that lack of juju to be connected to some flaw inside of me. There is, if you think about it, something almost arrogant about that: not intentionally, but indirectly. I mean, I think I'm a pretty awesome guy—but, lo and behold, not every woman I've been interested in has loved me. Some—gasp!—probably found me kind of cool but kind of annoying. Doesn't mean I'm annoying or unloveable. Just means I wasn't for them, which meant they weren't for me. That is the more common story to all this stuff.

This is, in short, life. I really encourage you to see it that way, because the further you go down the path of it being something wrong with you—if it wasn't going to be her, it'll be no one, and so on—the more you're making this all about you and the tragedy of being you in the world, instead of the more holistic, if in this case melancholy, fact that you plus her just didn't quite fire all the right rockets. That's okay. In this story, she was lifting off while your engine was sputtering; in another, you may find yourself in her shoes; and, with the right person, you'll navigate the rings of Saturn together without spinning around in your head.

Another thing: I'd try, in your shoes, to remove the word "perfect" from this whole equation. Are you perfect? Probably not, being human and all, and the same will be true for whatever woman gets your engine rolling. She will be imperfect in a zillion ways, like you, but those imperfections will be okay. Some you will adore, others you won't—but they won't grate and trigger emotional hiccups. I'd never describe my girlfriend as perfect, for instance, though as I write this I believe, in my brain and my bones, that she's perfect for me. So I'm with her. Very simple math. The hard part is finding the person who makes it that simple, though it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy.