Help moving on from my ex?

Hey everyone looking for some advice from your good selves regarding a girl that I had recently been dating. We had dated for around 4 months which had started off very hot and heavy we had alot in common with each other and she seemed to tick alot of the boxes.

However the issues started to creep in and it became apparently clear that this girl had alot of insecurity issues and hang ups with her outlook on things. This manifested itself in behaviours of needing constant reassurrance (via text), frequently stating that she never knew how I felt about her and using statement such as "if you liked me then you would be doing etc etc". She also seemed to have alot of drama attatched in family/friends/work life and would frequently complain. Eventually this all took its toll and we had three significant arguments two of which we had allegedly resolved and the third which finally ended the relationship and we agreed to go our separate ways. These "resolves" were themselves challenging due to the fact that this girl seemed to find it impossible to speak out in person and what would tend to happen is that she would agree initially before getting home and sending me a barrage of texts of her true feelings on the situation.

To cut a long story short which had not spoken for about a month and I had seen her out in public and walked directly passed her but she appeared caught up in talking to someone so I did not intrude. The next day I had felt I wanted to to message her as I wanted to clarify that I had passed her and if she had seen me also I did not want to come across as rude or aloof. I still had a lot of feelings for this girl so seeing her really shook me. She replied instantly saying that she had not seen me and from that point we chit chatted back and forth till eventually she became very hot and heavy stating "not sure why you have messaged me, you had made it pretty clear before you didnt want to speak to me again", I explained that had not been the case and I had felt compelled due to the affore mentioned reasons.

We spoke for the next couple of days before she started to demand reasons for why I believe the relationship had failed, I replied to her saying that I thought it was impractical to anaylse everything as it had already been done and had put the offer out there to meet up have a drink/laugh and be amicable. She left me hanging for almost a day before replying saying that she had thought about it but believed that she felt things would never be any different and to leave things as they are. She also went onto say that she believed we were "looking for different things" and "would not find what we wanted in each other". This was a sentiment that I disagreed with but I respectfully accepted her answer and never contacted her again.

Fast forward about a week where I then recieve a snapchat from her with a picture of tour dates for a band that her and I both like. She had circled one of the dates and headed it with the caption "yesssss". Imagine my surprise when I had seen this as I genuinely believed I was never going to hear from her again, I asked her why she had sent this to me and she replied that she had set the image as her story and then had selected to send it to everyone in her contacts list. From my understanding this is not a feature that the app supports and it all seemed a bit too convenient to have just been accidental. I replied to be polite and just said "Fair enough enjoy they are awesome live" as I had seen this particular band before on two occasions. She once again replied with "yes its going to be siiccckkkk". I replied once more and said to "make sure you get involved with the crowd" (in regards to the chaos that often ensues at these gigs) she viewed the message and now has chosen not to reply.

Fast forward a 3 months and I still think about this girl regularly and often find myself longing for the relationship even though I know that this girl was not good for me. I had even seen her recently at a gig (completely unexpected) and know that I had got better in some capacity because my reaction was not as it had been before, in fact I had wondered why I had been putting her so much on a pedestal. In my mind I think its because I still find her physically attractive and grieve the potential of what the relationship “could have been”. Could you advise how to move on from this? What strategies would you employ to move on? I’m finding it so difficult to get her out of my head I think if she were to come back I would still give things a try but things could not be how they were before as it just wouldn’t work. Am I doing the right thng staying in no contact?

The relationship would only work if she "changed". Has she agreed she needs to change? Has she asked you to consider giving the relationship another chance?

I'm going to presume you still check her social media. In order to move on you must stop and then delete those connections.

Hi Boltnrun thank you so much for replying :)

In regards to her changing its not something that she had ever specifically quoted to me. From my time with her it was obvious that she adopted a victim mentality about things and that had been really apparent on reflection when I had last spoken to her at no point had she really acknolwedged her behaviour. The only thing she had said which could arguably be said is that "maybe she had put me under too much pressure". No I dont check her social media any more and havent for at least 6-8 weeks. I had found it was only causing me pain to see her new pictures which she had been posting which I suspect had been intentionally to play games. The way it had hit me at the time had really hurt so I do not check at all costs because I know that anything I would see would only serve to prolong the agony of letting go.

You meet new people and start reconditioning your brain. That's how you get over someone. It's all about your mental connections and refreshing your brainscape. Acknowledging the issues and problems and the reasons why it ended is also a springboard into affirming that the past is in the past.

If you're continuing to lust after her, that's normal and it'll fade with time. Be more patient with yourself (realistic about healing) and start surrounding yourself with more people and interests that you can engage in. Keep updating yourself. Don't stay stuck. I agree with deleting her from your social media and not having any windows into her photos and ongoings. You're just shooting yourself in the foot by looking at those things. Rewire your brain, accept the good times and most of all be most passionate about yourself and what you do in your life going forward. If you are not happy with yourself or other aspects of your life you'll tend to slide backwards into a perceived happier time (back into the past). Try not to do that.

It sounds like you miss having a relationship more than you miss her as a person.

You outlined valid reasons why this relationship didn't work. Yes, she might be physically attractive but then what? There were some significant incompatibilities that made it untenable for you.

I have a feeling that once you might a woman who is a better match, your ex will barely be a thought in your mind. A dry spell in dating can sometimes propel people to backtrack and look for exes who weren't right for them, just for the company and affection. Don't follow that route here.

I think you are right I do think theres an element of attraction of having a pretty girl on your arm but at the same time is it worth making your life miserable for? I keep having to tell myself this is only after a few short months what would things have been like in a year? I genuinely came out of that relationship feeling exhausted as if I had invested alot into it for almost no return at all other than the priviledge of her company. There had been occasions where she scalded me for "talking about work too much" and I had found myself walking on egg shells to try and appease her when on the other hand she could have free reign to talk about her own work and would visit on her days off, pot kettle black? I know that this relationship isnt healthy for me because I would want a partner to be more independent and not use me completely for an emotional crutch which I believe she did. Don't get me wrong I would go out of my way to support a partner through a tough period but I think its unfair to expect a partner to be completely dependent on you emotionally for their happiness.

I know how you feel, to find someone attractive with a fun personality (at times), but it's not the ideal relationship you dreamed of. I know it took me a minimum of 4 months with no contact to start to get over a few exes. If you're like me, you still have a few more months of mourning what was, but have faith you will start feeling better as long as you make yourself a priority by enjoying life with friends/family/a hobby/interests/etc. Take care.

I stayed with someone for 4 years because he was hot and the sex was fantastic. Never mind the mountain of incompatibilities, to say the least.

It's not worth it.

Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you end this. She is extremely controlling. Never allow text tethering or chronic fishing for compliments, etc. This isn't about she's insecure. This is about she wants to run the show and it's all me, me, me, with her. It sounds exhausting. Find a balanced normal girl.

To be honest she didnt really have a fun personality either...certainly not one of those people that when they walk in their energy lights up the room and everyone is drawn to them. Don't get me wrong she wasnt horrific either but I felt myself always being the one to try initiate any meaningful conversation that was done over text. On reflection in fact she seemed to carry a look of constant concern on her face in public or social situations and this was another thing I think I had overlooked at the time.

Hi Boltrun so you were in this relationship for 4 years despite the gaping incompatibilities?

What were the biggest challenges? And if you don't mind me asking what was the final straw for you?

Interesting. Google "resting B face".

TOn reflection in fact she seemed to carry a look of constant concern on her face in public or social situations and this was another thing I think I had overlooked at the time.

I too always mourn "what could've been" such as past friendships which went awry for reasons beyond anyone's control. In my case, it was with a cousin whom I was close to as a child and close despite our 400 mile difference. Then life changed drastically for her in so many very bad ways, whom she married, autoimmune diseases for her husband, nightmarish marriage and everything in all aspects went downhill for her after that. We no longer had an innocent, idyllic cousin-ship as in years past. Unfortunately, personalities and characters turned into a Jekkyl and Hyde scenario which was simply intolerable for me. We are currently estranged which created long overdue peace for everyone. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries.

I miss all the great times and memories we had together. Unfortunately, it's those character flaws and incurable defects which foreshadow all else. No one can deny it and it's always such a harsh reality check.

The moral of my story is whenever there are personality and character clashes, it simply won't work no matter how much you want to have a relationship with said person. You can't force it nor will your way in this life. Compatibility between two people is there or it isn't. Some couples are willing to try to make it work, force it to work or make diligent changes as they mature, grow and attain fruition. However, not everyone takes that path and sometimes it's simply impossible and unrealistic to achieve.

There is a big problem when any relationship depends heavily on texts or electronic communication as opposed to the best which is in person, obviously and second best is a phone conversation. Something always gets lost in translation via writing which is problematic. With in person conversations you have normal back 'n forth verbal dialogue, facial expressions and conscientious respect in most cases. With writing, anything can get misconstrued and back 'n forth correspondence is relentless. There is no break and you'll feel smothered or suffocated.

You move on by knowing both of you are different. Your communication styles are different and realize she isn't the type to be reasonable when it comes to agreeing to seeing you more often to talk it out and she prefers texting instead. She's mentally not suitable for you. Once you focus on the negatives about her, it becomes easier to become more numb, cold and move on with your life in a healthy way. You move on easier when you accept she is incompatible.

Two selfless, mature people know how to make it work. You can't have one reasonable person and an unreasonable person pair up together and expect both of them to have a harmonious relationship. Two people must know how to respect each other. It's lockstep team work. Without being on the same page regarding basic consideration and respect, all relationships including friendships are doomed for failure.

Yes, you're doing the right thing with NC (no contact). Never put anyone on a pedestal. Give yourself more self-respect and in your mind, put yourself on a pedestal! Never grovel, never become pitiful nor pathetic. Hold yourself to a higher standard. (In the future, choose a person who is mature, reliable, respectable and wise.) You were putting her on a pedestal because you have low self esteem and you're insecure. Know that you deserve to be treated with common decency, courtesy and respect. Anything else is unacceptable and intolerable.

Strategies are: Take good care of your physical health since there is a strong connection between a sound body and sound mind. Exercise, hydrate, eat healthy for starters. Savor alone time. Work hard, have hobbies, enjoy outings and fresh air. If you have a dog, enjoy man's best friend. Get involved in the community, volunteer and help the disadvantaged. You'll get yourself out of your pity pot once you help those who are less fortunate than you are. Surround yourself with moral, respectable people, friends and family. Create a mentally healthy world for yourself. Have healthy distractions. Before you know it, this bad experience will become a blur as it did for me. At that time, you will no longer have anymore regrets. You'll feel relieved and grateful for the "good riddance" attitude.

People will waft in and out of your lifetime. Some are keepers and the rest need to fade away because they're not good for you and it wasn't meant to be. So many people are trial 'n error. You need to weed out the bad apples.

Hi Cherylyn so its interesting you say about the communication styles. This is something that I had maintained was an issue throughout her time and I had at one stage even stated to her in person that the phone was not a big deal for me it was a way to keep in contact and set up dates which I saw as the real reason we were seeing each other, to spend quality time and build on that. This texting habit was not something she was willing to change it would seem on one occasion she had stated to me that she "did not do phonecalls" when I ask what she meant by this she told me it was just something she did not do. I then playfully suggested that I would ring her from now on and to my absolute surprise had replied "that if you do that then we'll never speak again as we'll never be in contact".

All i had wanted to do was to work it out in an adult and meaningful way but this was an impossible task.

Hi Cherylyn so its interesting you say about the communication styles. This is something that I had maintained was an issue throughout her time and I had at one stage even stated to her in person that the phone was not a big deal for me it was a way to keep in contact and set up dates which I saw as the real reason we were seeing each other, to spend quality time and build on that. This texting habit was not something she was willing to change it would seem on one occasion she had stated to me that she "did not do phonecalls" when I ask what she meant by this she told me it was just something she did not do. I then playfully suggested that I would ring her from now on and to my absolute surprise had replied "that if you do that then we'll never speak again as we'll never be in contact".

 

All i had wanted to do was to work it out in an adult and meaningful way but this was an impossible task.

It's always a red flag whenever a person prefers texting (or emails) instead of phone conversations or meeting in person for the bulk of their communication. It's a red flag because they lack interpersonal skills when it comes to verbal communication. Then you start to wonder if this person truly lacks empathy which is often times an incurable character defect or flaw.

Also, texting and electronic communication can become relentless back 'n forth which doesn't give anyone a break. Or, it's too long and taxing to continue. Eventually someone will burnout if not both of you. Or, it becomes unnecessarily dramatic in a foolhardy way.

There's an obvious lack of maturity on her part. She's not willing to cooperate which is problematic.

It's simplistic. There are two types of people in this world: Compatible and incompatible. There are so many reasons. It either works or it doesn't work. Personalities and characters need to be similar especially when it comes to giving each other mutual respect. If there's no respect, no amount of effort will make it work.

Wishing you well, rj88.

Two selfless, mature people know how to make it work.

This is so true.

I had a similiar experience a few years ago and thought i would never get over it. I went through all of the emotions. Every one last of them.

one day, i realised i was over this person and now i could think of nothing worse than this person coming into my life, and i can see how bad and aweful this person actually is. I pray for her salvation (not sure what has made her that way), but do not, in any way, want her back in my life. In fact, it scares me that she might try again.

Anyhow, what Cherylyn says is true. Selfless and mature are the operative words...

I think you need to block and ignore any contact from her. This is not you being cruel (get past that thought. Ignore it.. She will survive). Do not get caught in breadcrumbs (morsels of info).. This is her throwing you scraps and basically, they don't respect you if you eat them. It is just their way of testing if you'll still be stupid enough to eat up their crap.. Don't do it!

Best of luck to you my friend.

Keep posting here to get perspective, if you need it. It usually helps to get other people's perspectives.

Hi Boltrun so you were in this relationship for 4 years despite the gaping incompatibilities?

 

What were the biggest challenges? And if you don't mind me asking what was the final straw for you?

Lying, cheating, drug use, hiding things, no actual employment because he was financially supported by his father while I worked and was raising two kids...I could go on.

Final straw? He dumped me for a much younger woman he had been cheating with.