Jump to content

My boyfriend kept staring at my best friends


IndieGirl20

Recommended Posts

I think I'm going to have to end it with him, but I wanted to have some space to think this through. I took him over to my friends house the other day, her parents greeted us and we sat and watched Halloween movies all together. I noticed my boyfriend who was sitting next to me would look from the tv, turn to look right past me and at my best friend's boobs. After the 3rd time I asked him "what are you doing" he said "oh, nothing" in like a oh you maybe saw me sorta way.. then continued to do it throughout the night as it progressed. When I called him out on it the next morning, he got angry and last night called me up explaining he doesn't have a genuine crush or attraction for my friend and that he just was distracted by her looking as good as they did.... (That's actually what he said) then said, "isn't that better than me actually liking your friend?"But the point is. You made me embarrassed by constantly doing that throughout the whole night even after I caught him, he had no respect for me sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM and it was my best friend at that! Wasn't like a passing glance or a stranger. This was my friend who my boyfriend was staring at her all night.. any advice?

Link to comment
But the point is. You made me embarrassed by constantly doing that throughout the whole night even after I caught him, he had no respect for me sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM and it was my best friend at that!

 

You have a valid point. Attraction is involuntary. But behavior is voluntary. We can control what we do.

 

I think that ogling people is disrespectful. If I see a good-looking guy walking down the street, I'll check him out. But I'm not going to let it be obvious to him because I don't want to make him uncomfortable. And if I'm with my boyfriend, I will be extra careful and perhaps avoid looking at all so that my boyfriend doesn't feel disrespected.

 

That's just my default position.

 

But for argument's sake, let's say that I didn't personally feel that ogling was disrespectful, or maybe I didn't realize that I was obviously checking someone out. The minute my boyfriend said, "Hey, what are you doing? That makes me uncomfortable." I would stop out of respect for him. Even if I felt that what I was doing was perfectly fine, I would stop.

 

Your boyfriend is aware of your feelings. But he obviously isn't too concerned about them. Is this the kind of boyfriend that you want?

 

Not me. I want a boyfriend to respect my feelings. If he can't understand my feelings, that is fine. But he needs to find some other girl who is willing to deal with that. He doesn't get to be with me.

Link to comment

Your boyfriend sounds very immature and disrespectful. Dump and move on.

 

From a male perspective, yes having eyes drawn to a pleasant sight is somewhat involuntary and instinctive, but not to the extent that you described. The fact that he kept looking just meant he did not want to stop, which means he has poor self-control, objectifies women and does not respect you.

Link to comment

How long have you been dating each other and is this the first instance of this type of thing happening?

 

I agree with Jibralta - he disrespectful on both levels but I think he is more stupid than actually intentionally hurtful. I'm generally not prone to penalizing someone or lashing out based on one occurrence. If it has happened more than once, my ideas usually change and I will respond by letting the other person know my thoughts.

 

Good for you for being vocal about it and speaking with him about it but I feel the subject is unfinished. He was very honest with you. It's more of this damning line that makes him out to be giving excuses for his disrespectful behaviour: "isn't that better than me actually liking your friend?" He's trying to rationalize with you that his staring is ok. This is not ok. Sometimes in communication with each other you may misunderstand each other. What may be glaringly clear to you, may not always be to the other person. I'm more about practicing patience if you are both new to relationships and this is the first instance (first day) you've both encountered this. You're recognizing that your decision to break up may be extreme and so you are taking time to think. This is very mature of you.

 

I say this feels unfinished because after he said that your post ended. What have you both concluded together? Has he agreed not to do this type of thing again? I do not think this warrants a break up unless he has foolishly continued to make excuses and deny any wrongdoing. I think you need to hear it from him and see it in his actions that he doesn't do something like that again.

Link to comment

No..it's finished.

 

She can never bring him around her friend now knowing he is undressing her with his eyes and didn't mind sharing that info.

 

She did give him a chance, he kept staring over and over. Enough is enough.

 

It's not going to get better and he doesn't deserve another chance.

 

3 times for god sakes! He should have kept his eyes to himself after the first time.

Link to comment
How long have you been dating each other and is this the first instance of this type of thing happening?

 

I agree with Jibralta - he disrespectful on both levels but I think he is more stupid than actually intentionally hurtful. I'm generally not prone to penalizing someone or lashing out based on one occurrence. If it has happened more than once, my ideas usually change and I will respond by letting the other person know my thoughts.

 

Good for you for being vocal about it and speaking with him about it but I feel the subject is unfinished. He was very honest with you. It's more of this damning line that makes him out to be giving excuses for his disrespectful behaviour: "isn't that better than me actually liking your friend?" He's trying to rationalize with you that his staring is ok. This is not ok. Sometimes in communication with each other you may misunderstand each other. What may be glaringly clear to you, may not always be to the other person. I'm more about practicing patience if you are both new to relationships and this is the first instance (first day) you've both encountered this. You're recognizing that your decision to break up may be extreme and so you are taking time to think. This is very mature of you.

 

I say this feels unfinished because after he said that your post ended. What have you both concluded together? Has he agreed not to do this type of thing again? I do not think this warrants a break up unless he has foolishly continued to make excuses and deny any wrongdoing. I think you need to hear it from him and see it in his actions that he doesn't do something like that again.

 

 

We've been dating officially over 4 months but been exclusive for 7 months. I have caught him looking at women while with me, passing glances that I have explained do bother me when he stared and I'm walking beside him, eating next to him etc. he has looked at another one of my other friends in this way, but not as much as this instance and not enough to raise a huge suspicion. Plus we weren't official at the time. He does know it bothers me but is very clueless and dumb. I did state my feelings yesterday and explained that I needed time to think about this decision since this was my best friend he was gawking at and it really hurt my feelings.. he said he'd give me the space then quickly hung up. I could tell he was getting annoyed with the conversation and it does seem like he doesn't think he did much wrong

Link to comment
How old do is he? How long have you dated? Has it happened before?

He's 26 and I'm 20, we've been seeing each other for 7 months or so exclusively but been official for 4 months. He's only had one serious relationship before me and quite a bit of flings, he does check other girls out around me, but it wasn't to this extent and I've called him out on it to which he promised he'd do better.

Link to comment

That's a seriously toxic character trait he has. I actually have known of one man who was fired for looking women up and down, and in a friend's husband's workplace, a man was warned with a letter put in his file for doing this.

 

People can be very discreet when checking out someone who stands out in a crowd. But for a guy like him who does it so regularly, and doesn't hide it, it's kind of like a fetish that he wants the person to notice, like he gets off on it.

 

When you think of choosing a lifetime partner, it should be with a warm fuzzy feeling. How can you feel like this with someone so creepy who would make any self respecting woman feel like ants are crawling all over her back?

 

Yes, it's time to take the garbage to the curb.

Link to comment
We've been dating officially over 4 months but been exclusive for 7 months. I have caught him looking at women while with me, passing glances that I have explained do bother me when he stared and I'm walking beside him, eating next to him etc. he has looked at another one of my other friends in this way, but not as much as this instance and not enough to raise a huge suspicion. Plus we weren't official at the time. He does know it bothers me but is very clueless and dumb. I did state my feelings yesterday and explained that I needed time to think about this decision since this was my best friend he was gawking at and it really hurt my feelings.. he said he'd give me the space then quickly hung up. I could tell he was getting annoyed with the conversation and it does seem like he doesn't think he did much wrong

 

He's 26 and I'm 20, we've been seeing each other for 7 months or so exclusively but been official for 4 months. He's only had one serious relationship before me and quite a bit of flings, he does check other girls out around me, but it wasn't to this extent and I've called him out on it to which he promised he'd do better.

 

Thank you for responding as painful as this must be for you right now. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt not knowing the age or how many times this happened but at 26 years old this is a grown man approaching his 30s. That's also a significant gap in ages between the both of you and I'm surprised he's doing these things. At being exclusive for 7 months, this really shouldn't be happening either. That he was avoiding any further discussion is also disrespectful. How would he react if there are other pressing matters down the line? Will he always sidestep or avoid difficult situations? Or get impatient with you? The two quotes above have some conflicting resolutions: the first one it appears he avoided you and didn't think he did much wrong and in the second quote below he said promised that he'd do better. Did he come back and promise he'd do better?

 

I don't think this looking so good at all. My personal opinion: it probably will not get better at this point given how many times he's done this. It's a bad habit and bad habits are hard to break. You shouldn't be policing or retraining someone out of their own bad habits especially if that person deep down doesn't think it's a bad thing or a habit worth breaking (bad set up!). That change has to come from him and he has to really recognize what he's doing is very inappropriate. Good for you for not being impulsive in breaking up and taking time to clear your thoughts.

Link to comment

A male coworker of mine told me once, it's just about the body parts. And that's how a male's brain works. They don't have to have emotional attachment to like boobs on anyone. He's being honest about that. He just likes her boobs, and probably his coworkers boobs, the coffee girl's boobs, the cashier's boobs, etc. The stupid part is, he's not discrete. He's a gawker which is so rude. This is immature behavior, and if you are uncomfortable about his behavior, dump him. It's pretty obvious he doesn't care what you think....he's gonna keep doing it. Some men grow out of it, some don't...I don't think you have the time to wait and find out with him.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you're incompatible and at the place in your relationship when it's time to reevaluate if you want to be with him. How is the rest of the relationship?

 

Don't act jealous, insecure or "call him out". All you are doing is feeding his ego. Simply observe this habit and reflect i on whether you want to deal with it.

He's 26 and I'm 20, we've been seeing each other for 7 months or so exclusively but been official for 4 months. he does check other girls out around me, but it wasn't to this extent and I've called him out on it to which he promised he'd do better.
Link to comment
You have a valid point. Attraction is involuntary. But behavior is voluntary. We can control what we do.

 

I think that ogling people is disrespectful. If I see a good-looking guy walking down the street, I'll check him out. But I'm not going to let it be obvious to him because I don't want to make him uncomfortable. And if I'm with my boyfriend, I will be extra careful and perhaps avoid looking at all so that my boyfriend doesn't feel disrespected.

 

That's just my default position.

 

But for argument's sake, let's say that I didn't personally feel that ogling was disrespectful, or maybe I didn't realize that I was obviously checking someone out. The minute my boyfriend said, "Hey, what are you doing? That makes me uncomfortable." I would stop out of respect for him. Even if I felt that what I was doing was perfectly fine, I would stop.

 

Your boyfriend is aware of your feelings. But he obviously isn't too concerned about them. Is this the kind of boyfriend that you want?

 

Not me. I want a boyfriend to respect my feelings. If he can't understand my feelings, that is fine. But he needs to find some other girl who is willing to deal with that. He doesn't get to be with me.

 

^^^ Spot on, Jibralta!

Link to comment

I appreciate the kind words and actually giving me good advice as well as hearing out the whole story, we haven't talked today and last night he made no promises to do better. Because those promises were made in the past, in fact. All he said last night was "what do you want from me, what can I say or do?' which isn't a good sign at all, almost like he won't fight for the relationship anyway. I also thought the same thing about when I go out with him again, how I'll just end up watching for him to betray me like that or how he will handle situations when I'm not around. He definitely shouldn't be this naive when it comes to common decency and respect for someone he claims he loves, but he is quite dumb for someone who's 26, but I'm definitely keeping all of this in mind when weighing out the pros and cons. Thank you again, I appreciate you listening.

Link to comment
He definitely shouldn't be this naive when it comes to common decency and respect for someone he claims he loves, but he is quite dumb for someone who's 26, but I'm definitely keeping all of this in mind when weighing out the pros and cons.

 

He isn't naive or dumb, OP.

 

He is insensitive. There is a big difference.

Link to comment
He's 26 and I'm 20, we've been seeing each other for 7 months or so exclusively but been official for 4 months. He's only had one serious relationship before me and quite a bit of flings, he does check other girls out around me, but it wasn't to this extent and I've called him out on it to which he promised he'd do better.

 

Yuck. I thought he was 18.

 

I'm sorry, but he does not respect your feelings. How many times does he have to show you? You need to wake up. He does not care.

 

He is not "naive" or " dumb." Stop making excuses. You can't be that desparate to have someone in your life.

 

It won't stop!

Link to comment

In this case he's being an obtuse oaf. While he doesn't need blinders, he does need manners and respecting who he's with. You don't seem to respect him too much. Either way. Observe. Consider cutting your losses.

last night he made no promises to do better. Because those promises were made in the past, in fact. he is quite dumb for someone who's 26.
Link to comment

Your boyfriend has a roving eye. He stares at women in public behind your back, too. He's very disrespectful towards you and women because he objectifies them. He doesn't guard his eyes which you don't appreciate.

 

Real questions here are these: Is your boyfriend acceptable and tolerable? Can you turn a blind eye? Or, will you be fed up one day and make him your ex-boyfriend?

 

A real man knows how to behave like a gentleman. A real gentleman behaves honorably and treats women (in particular) with utmost respect. Your boyfriend does not. You decide whether or not he's a keeper.

Link to comment

Well, frankly I would have said "quit staring at 'Marilyn's' boobs you masher." If he didn't after that then he's just too stupid for words. You should have called him out good and clear which hopefully would have forced him to stop.

 

ALL guys will look at your friends boobs if she's showing cleavage (if she was, I wonder why when you were just home watching movies) your boyfriend just hasn't learned how to do it discreetly.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...