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Thread: My boyfriend kept staring at my best friends

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How old do is he? How long have you dated? Has it happened before?
    He's 26 and I'm 20, we've been seeing each other for 7 months or so exclusively but been official for 4 months. He's only had one serious relationship before me and quite a bit of flings, he does check other girls out around me, but it wasn't to this extent and I've called him out on it to which he promised he'd do better.

  2. #12
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    I wouldn't expect a serious relationship from someone this immature.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    That's a seriously toxic character trait he has. I actually have known of one man who was fired for looking women up and down, and in a friend's husband's workplace, a man was warned with a letter put in his file for doing this.

    People can be very discreet when checking out someone who stands out in a crowd. But for a guy like him who does it so regularly, and doesn't hide it, it's kind of like a fetish that he wants the person to notice, like he gets off on it.

    When you think of choosing a lifetime partner, it should be with a warm fuzzy feeling. How can you feel like this with someone so creepy who would make any self respecting woman feel like ants are crawling all over her back?

    Yes, it's time to take the garbage to the curb.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IndieGirl20
    We've been dating officially over 4 months but been exclusive for 7 months. I have caught him looking at women while with me, passing glances that I have explained do bother me when he stared and I'm walking beside him, eating next to him etc. he has looked at another one of my other friends in this way, but not as much as this instance and not enough to raise a huge suspicion. Plus we weren't official at the time. He does know it bothers me but is very clueless and dumb. I did state my feelings yesterday and explained that I needed time to think about this decision since this was my best friend he was gawking at and it really hurt my feelings.. he said he'd give me the space then quickly hung up. I could tell he was getting annoyed with the conversation and it does seem like he doesn't think he did much wrong
    He's 26 and I'm 20, we've been seeing each other for 7 months or so exclusively but been official for 4 months. He's only had one serious relationship before me and quite a bit of flings, he does check other girls out around me, but it wasn't to this extent and I've called him out on it to which he promised he'd do better.
    Thank you for responding as painful as this must be for you right now. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt not knowing the age or how many times this happened but at 26 years old this is a grown man approaching his 30s. That's also a significant gap in ages between the both of you and I'm surprised he's doing these things. At being exclusive for 7 months, this really shouldn't be happening either. That he was avoiding any further discussion is also disrespectful. How would he react if there are other pressing matters down the line? Will he always sidestep or avoid difficult situations? Or get impatient with you? The two quotes above have some conflicting resolutions: the first one it appears he avoided you and didn't think he did much wrong and in the second quote below he said promised that he'd do better. Did he come back and promise he'd do better?

    I don't think this looking so good at all. My personal opinion: it probably will not get better at this point given how many times he's done this. It's a bad habit and bad habits are hard to break. You shouldn't be policing or retraining someone out of their own bad habits especially if that person deep down doesn't think it's a bad thing or a habit worth breaking (bad set up!). That change has to come from him and he has to really recognize what he's doing is very inappropriate. Good for you for not being impulsive in breaking up and taking time to clear your thoughts.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    A male coworker of mine told me once, it's just about the body parts. And that's how a male's brain works. They don't have to have emotional attachment to like boobs on anyone. He's being honest about that. He just likes her boobs, and probably his coworkers boobs, the coffee girl's boobs, the cashier's boobs, etc. The stupid part is, he's not discrete. He's a gawker which is so rude. This is immature behavior, and if you are uncomfortable about his behavior, dump him. It's pretty obvious he doesn't care what you think....he's gonna keep doing it. Some men grow out of it, some don't...I don't think you have the time to wait and find out with him.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you're incompatible and at the place in your relationship when it's time to reevaluate if you want to be with him. How is the rest of the relationship?

    Don't act jealous, insecure or "call him out". All you are doing is feeding his ego. Simply observe this habit and reflect i on whether you want to deal with it.
    Originally Posted by IndieGirl20
    He's 26 and I'm 20, we've been seeing each other for 7 months or so exclusively but been official for 4 months. he does check other girls out around me, but it wasn't to this extent and I've called him out on it to which he promised he'd do better.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    You have a valid point. Attraction is involuntary. But behavior is voluntary. We can control what we do.

    I think that ogling people is disrespectful. If I see a good-looking guy walking down the street, I'll check him out. But I'm not going to let it be obvious to him because I don't want to make him uncomfortable. And if I'm with my boyfriend, I will be extra careful and perhaps avoid looking at all so that my boyfriend doesn't feel disrespected.

    That's just my default position.

    But for argument's sake, let's say that I didn't personally feel that ogling was disrespectful, or maybe I didn't realize that I was obviously checking someone out. The minute my boyfriend said, "Hey, what are you doing? That makes me uncomfortable." I would stop out of respect for him. Even if I felt that what I was doing was perfectly fine, I would stop.

    Your boyfriend is aware of your feelings. But he obviously isn't too concerned about them. Is this the kind of boyfriend that you want?

    Not me. I want a boyfriend to respect my feelings. If he can't understand my feelings, that is fine. But he needs to find some other girl who is willing to deal with that. He doesn't get to be with me.
    ^^^ Spot on, Jibralta!

  9. #18
    I appreciate the kind words and actually giving me good advice as well as hearing out the whole story, we haven't talked today and last night he made no promises to do better. Because those promises were made in the past, in fact. All he said last night was "what do you want from me, what can I say or do?' which isn't a good sign at all, almost like he won't fight for the relationship anyway. I also thought the same thing about when I go out with him again, how I'll just end up watching for him to betray me like that or how he will handle situations when I'm not around. He definitely shouldn't be this naive when it comes to common decency and respect for someone he claims he loves, but he is quite dumb for someone who's 26, but I'm definitely keeping all of this in mind when weighing out the pros and cons. Thank you again, I appreciate you listening.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by IndieGirl20
    He definitely shouldn't be this naive when it comes to common decency and respect for someone he claims he loves, but he is quite dumb for someone who's 26, but I'm definitely keeping all of this in mind when weighing out the pros and cons.
    He isn't naive or dumb, OP.

    He is insensitive. There is a big difference.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by IndieGirl20
    He's 26 and I'm 20, we've been seeing each other for 7 months or so exclusively but been official for 4 months. He's only had one serious relationship before me and quite a bit of flings, he does check other girls out around me, but it wasn't to this extent and I've called him out on it to which he promised he'd do better.
    Yuck. I thought he was 18.

    I'm sorry, but he does not respect your feelings. How many times does he have to show you? You need to wake up. He does not care.

    He is not "naive" or " dumb." Stop making excuses. You can't be that desparate to have someone in your life.

    It won't stop!

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