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Thread: Connecting after extreme fights

  1. #1
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    Connecting after extreme fights

    Me and my girlfriend have had a really rough last couple of years. Weíve been at each otherís throats figuratively and literally. We both communicated very different and I had some pretty bad anxiety that caused me to be an avoidant when she had questions.

    We both see physical touch differently. For me it comfort, for her itís aggression. I would try to be calming, but Iím a big strong guy and my touch came off more aggressive than it was in my head. This would cause a trigger and things normally escalate. Iíve shoved and pinned her either to try and calm her or out of self defense.

    Thankfully our communication has improved, but the lingering effects of how it got physical for any reason are keeping her from wanting to move forward. She doesnít know how we can go back to how we were before this happened, and without that she wonít.

    Iím hoping to get some advice on what we can talk about the past to make it not seem like this is just who were were and that we can recapture that love prior to the extreme fighting.
    Thank you for any help.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by ark87
    We both see physical touch differently. For me it comfort, for her itís aggression. I would try to be calming, but Iím a big strong guy and my touch came off more aggressive than it was in my head. This would cause a trigger and things normally escalate. Iíve shoved and pinned her either to try and calm her or out of self defense.
    Can you elaborate on what happened here?

  3. #3
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    Iím a touchy person naturally so when I talk Iíd try to hold her hand or thouch her shoulder. She didnt see it as comfort so sheíd push me away and in my panic Iíd try to hug and hold her and tell her to calm down. But the touching always made it worse. Iíve never hit her tried to be aggressive itís just my comfort when anxiety hits. She would just flip out on me and start being REALLY aggressive and then I felt I had to stop we from
    Escalating so Iíd try to hold her really tight. Or get on top of her. I know this doesnt work and she does too, but sheís worried that this caused some long lasting damage.
    Last edited by ark87; 11-02-2019 at 03:15 AM. Reason: Addition

  4. #4
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    Have you sought therapy?

    Why did you ever think it was right to pin her to a wall or shove her? You sound scary and violent. If she had any sense, she would leave this toxic mess!

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by ark87
    Iím a touchy person naturally so when I talk Iíd try to hold her hand or thouch her shoulder. She didnt see it as comfort so sheíd push me away and in my panic Iíd try to hug and hold her and tell her to calm down. But the touching always made it worse. Iíve never hit her tried to be aggressive itís just my comfort when anxiety hits. She would just flip out on me and start being REALLY aggressive and then I felt I had to stop we from
    Escalating so Iíd try to hold her really tight. Or get on top of her. I know this doesnt work and she does too, but sheís worried that this caused some long lasting damage.
    What do you consider shoving and restraining? What is this "touchy" crap?

  7. #6
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    We have and know that we see physical touch differently. Iím not an angry or aggressive person my intention was to calm the situation because if the rolls were reversed Iíd want to be hugged and touched if I was upset, she just does t work that way. So when Iíd touch out of comfort shed lash out at me and then I felt I was the one in danger. It was just horrible communication, we both understand that, but want to know how to move forward in this.

  8. #7
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    Why haven't you gotten counseling ? What were the arguments about?

    Honestly, your relationship sounds very toxic.

  9. #8
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    I see how I worded this and itís not what you think. Iím not the best at communicating situations in relationships or online to others obviously. I would literally just try and hug her when she was angry but because I donít know my own strength, it comes off way more aggressive than whatís going on. I NEVER have hit or been truly aggressive. Even when Iím the most mad Iím pleading for the fight to stop add I try to hold her hands or hug her and it triggers her and thatís when she acts aggressively towards me. Hope that explains a little better. Thanks for reading these rants.

  10. #9
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    Long story short our fights are because I talked about my past too much, bringing it up at the worst times and was really bad at making it better by explaining myself. And then made a big deal about getting rid of past relationships on social media. Saying I donít care about them romantically I just never deleted someone from social media for any reason. She saw this as me defending them and those doubts never really left.

  11. #10
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    I will ask a third time. Why haven't you sought counseling for couples?

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