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feeling insecure - asking for opinions!


BCC123

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thanks for opening!

 

so i have been in a relationship witha great guy for 8 months now. he's awesome.

 

sometimes i feel insecure about something so i wanted to ask you all

 

when my boyfriend gets drunk, hes get this confidence and starts being really friendly and flirty with females. we will be out at a bar or restaurant and there will be a girl bartender and a guy bartender and he will be friendly and flirty and nice to the female one and feels threatened by the male one - he will approach random girls to say something witty and funny but literally never does it with random males -

 

why is this?

 

any insights or thoughts? experiences?

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It's not unusual for some to experience personality changes with substances like alcohol. Why are you so surprised about this? Is this your first relationship or with someone who drinks? Limit your contact with individuals who can't control their alcohol (any substances) intake. He doesn't sound as awesome as you think.

 

I have an ex who was a chronic drinker. Perhaps I'm a bit too seasoned with the patterns and behaviours.

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When you're seeing a person regularly drunk, and to the point it changes his personality, isn't that a dealbreaker for you? I chose a man with healthy hobbies/interests. I'd have no interest in a guy who regularly gets drunk and flirts with other women. Is your self esteem so low that you think he's all you're worthy of?

 

The point of dating is to see who is compatible with you and he's not. When a person regularly upsets you, it means the relationship doesn't work.

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What you're describing as "confidence" just reads to me like "insecurity"—an extension, really, of those "don't cheat on me" conversations you two had at the start. I think of booze as a kind of truth serum, where the more we drink the more we show our truest colors. So, in his case, he gets a little booze in his system and becomes a dude who is threatened by men and mitigates that threat by seeking cursory female attention. Fragile ego stuff. Not so mysterious. Not super cute. Not likely to change either.

 

From what you've written about him, and about your general dynamic, it seems that jealousy and insecurity are pretty potent ingredients here, on both sides. Perhaps this is a good moment to assess how all that is evolving? If you're feeling less secure at 8 months than you were at one or two—well, that's not a great trend, though of course only you know all the details.

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When he gets drunk or inappropriate, simply leave. Why hang around a disrespectful drunk? Seriously reconsider if you want to be around someone like this. 24 weeks of dating is a good time to reflect and assess what's in from of you.

 

Do not act jealous or try to fix or change him. You will only be trying to sever someone from who they really are. Instead take your own car out and most of all...observe. Do not try to talk to him about it. He will tell you you're imagining things and being jealous, so don't bother....unless you enjoy adding insult to injury.

 

when my boyfriend gets drunk, hes get this confidence and starts being really friendly and flirty with females. we will be out at a bar or restaurant and there will be a girl bartender and a guy bartender and he will be friendly and flirty and nice to the female one and feels threatened by the male one

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i brought it up once and he said he's felt more comfortable around females his whole life, closer to his mom and aunt than his dad .. etc etc. he does admit that hes insecure - but thats no reason to not be with someone right?

 

Being "more comfortable" with females then males is one thing, being inappropriate and obnoxious while around them and while you are with him is quite the other. Did you tell him that? Did you tell him how it makes you feel?

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i brought it up once and he said he's felt more comfortable around females his whole life, closer to his mom and aunt than his dad .. etc etc. he does admit that hes insecure - but thats no reason to not be with someone right?

 

He sounds insecure, period. What gender he feels more comfortable around with doesn't matter. He's turning it into a bunch of excuses for his poor behaviour while drunk. I think the feeling of being threatened or insecure around other males is disturbing. I'm not sure why he would feel that way unless he's been traumatized or abused by his father growing up. If he has underlying issues he hasn't dealt with, yes, this is a reason not to be with someone. He has to sort himself out. Don't be a doormat for his poor behaviour or early trauma/whatever his excuse is.

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i brought it up once and he said he's felt more comfortable around females his whole life, closer to his mom and aunt than his dad .. etc etc. he does admit that hes insecure - but thats no reason to not be with someone right?

 

Agree with Rose and TwT.

 

I'm probably more comfortable around women than men: raised my single mom, blah blah. Though I adore men as well, and don't hit on random women after a few sips of wine while my girlfriend cringes in the corner. If I did? I suspect she'd opt out of being my girlfriend pretty quickly.

 

Point being, your boyfriend sounds deeply insecure. No one gets a reward for recognizing that in themselves, especially if they handle their insecurity in dubious ways that trigger insecurities in people they're close to. The psychological diagnosis of that, to quote Freud, is: super lame.

 

You certainly shouldn't feel scared to express how his behavior makes you feel. How people respond to that tends to be a great gauge in whether they're good people for you, or not. It's like leaving dishes in the sink. Someone does that, you express how that bothers you, and if they clean up—great. And if they don't? Well, also great: means you know they're not for you, since the ultimate gauge of romantic harmony isn't seeing how far you can bend to accommodate another but to see if you can feel great, in your own skin, alongside another.

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It's like leaving dishes in the sink. Someone does that, you express how that bothers you, and if they clean up—great. And if they don't? Well, also great: means you know they're not for you, since the ultimate gauge of romantic harmony isn't seeing how far you can bend to accommodate another but to see if you can feel great, in your own skin, alongside another.

...So true!

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What does "flirty" mean? Yes, it's another thing if he's inappropriate, but I've found people's interpretation of flirty to be about as subjective as what would be considered appropriate pizza toppings.

 

Female bartenders tend to be more socially engaged in general, so I wouldn't think much about that. As far as the rest, I mean is he ditching you at the bar to greet the first strange lady that enters? Chatting to a woman who happens to be next to the two of you? What is he saying that you'd consider crossing the line from "friendly" to "flirty?"

 

Pretty much all my close friends are guys, but I'll be the first to admit that when it comes to more random / spontaneous conversation after a few drinks, I'm exponentially more comfortable talking to women. At that point, I pretty much just wanna bullsh*t and practice improv one-liners. In my experience, and it's admittedly anecdotal, that's gone a lot better with women than guys. Whether they're there for that one thing, are that type to do the "bro" arm wrap-around, or would rather go off on a long tangent about some political topic or an underperforming team or politics, chances are slim a mildly tipsy j.man is going to find himself coming out amused targeting random dudes.

 

That and it's not like I'm shoving my wife into the coat closet and passing myself off as single. We're by no means that couple who's connected at the elbow throughout the evening, but she's typically somewhere. She's of course free to join whenever she'd like, though I appreciate she isn't the type to do so out of jealousy. In my experience, a lot of women, particularly if there are a lot of guys there and she came alone, tend to be pretty OK with a taken dude who's fun but not complimenting their legs. Which again is where I'm wondering on this distinction. Though I guess if you don't like it, you don't like it. I'd note it now and end it if you're not OK with how he fundamentally socializes.

 

All I can speak for is my social life and behaviors which have been fine for me and haven't involved me commenting on a woman's breasts, much less cheating on my wife, and thus haven't caused any strain or hiccups in my marriage. Decide for yourself what you want to live with.

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Unfortunately, this scenario is becoming a recurrent theme. Time to reevaluate. Talking hasn't helped.

so my boyfriend and i just had our first big fight, screaming and all. we've been together for 5 months and hes the most amazing, understanding, patient boyfriend ive ever had.

 

on saturday we went to a wedding and of course it was open bar. we had lots to drink. towards the end of the reception some of the brides maids were coming up to him to meet him while i wasnt with him and one grabbed his hand and they held hands for a minute - i was upset. i went outside while he was smoking a cigarette and told him i didnt like it. so there was that- i know i get jealous and this is an issue of mine.

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I think there’s enough talk. You have everyone’s analysis. Either you ask him to correct this behaviour and not drink when you go out or you get rid of the problem...breakup. This is why we date...to discover who they are, how they behave, and how they treat us. Things are going down hill, you can’t address it with him without a fight, you feel uncomfortable, unhappy and upset. It’s a no brainer this relationship has run it’s course. You need to move on and find a better person to be with.

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First of all, don't have a boyfriend who gets drunk nor drinks regularly because this problem will never go away. Trust me, I know. Unfortunately, I have relatives who are the same which will wreak havoc with your life as long as you are with him. :upset:

 

Whenever your boyfriend is inebriated, his flirtatious behavior is here to stay so either grow accustomed to it or have plans to have a different type of boyfriend who won't give you these types of problems anymore.

 

Never be with a man who will give you a difficult life. The cost is what you have to endure and tolerate. Sooner or later, you will ask yourself if he's worth it. The answer will be staring right back at you in your face.

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I don't see anything too deep here ..he gets pissed up and comes onto women cos the alcohol gives him confidence and probably arrogance . I was with a functioning alcoholic , this was a regular occurance in my life .

 

I here you about high functioning alcoholics. They hold down day jobs and look like your average Joe or Jane. Then there is their dark side which drags everyone else down the drain.

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What does "flirty" mean? Yes, it's another thing if he's inappropriate, but I've found people's interpretation of flirty to be about as subjective as what would be considered appropriate pizza toppings.

 

That's what I was thinking too. OP, you probably have a different idea of what flirty means than I do. And we together most likely have different ideas of what flirty means than everyone else on this thread.

 

Devil's advocate: My ex, when inebriated, would be friendlier than usual to female staff at the restaurant. He would compliment them, but not in a way that was crossing any boundaries, in my opinion. He would just say things like what a great job they were doing compared to how he would act in a similar situation, and he would do it in a way that would make them feel like he really appreciated them. I'll admit he didn't talk more than he had to with the male staff, and yes my ex is attractive so women would be open to some friendly conversation. However, it didn't bother me because after a couple minutes, it would be over -he didn't focus on them. We would all move on with our day. If ever he said something to them that made me feel that I was less important them they were...then yes that would have bothered me and I would have spoken up immediately.

 

So I hate to micro-analyze the type of flirting your BF is doing, but I would honestly have to chalk this one up to "it depends."

 

With your BF grabbing a bridesmaid's hand (per Wiseman's reply)...I would like to know the context. Because when I was younger I used to oversimplify in the retelling of stories to change context. I'm not saying you're doing this purposely of course. But sometimes when our feelings are hurt, our vision gets cloudy. "He grabbed her hand" is quite different from, for example, saying that they touched hands for a couple seconds. I'm not saying that necessarily makes it okay if that were the case, just pointing out that there are many possible variables here.

 

With all that said, if you have talked about all this and he knows it bothers you but continues to do it, then obviously something's gotta give. As Wiseman said, time to reevaluate. Good luck.

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I here you about high functioning alcoholics. They hold down day jobs and look like your average Joe or Jane. Then there is their dark side which drags everyone else down the drain.

 

Oh yep , he worked hard , liked a couple of holidays abroad every year , we had a beautiful house , he would do anything for anybody ....but once I heard a can of Fosters been opened I knew it would be downhill from there ......but it fools you because of all the good stuff .......but yeah there is a dark side and it is horrible .

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Oh yep , he worked hard , liked a couple of holidays abroad every year , we had a beautiful house , he would do anything for anybody ....but once I heard a can of Fosters been opened I knew it would be downhill from there ......but it fools you because of all the good stuff .......but yeah there is a dark side and it is horrible .

 

Unfortunately, I know all too well. High functioning alcoholics have two lives. They're seemingly normal-looking which to others is nondescript with a job, house, nice car and comfortable lifestyle. Then once doors are closed, the drinking starts and repeats its mentally sick self all over again everyday. It's a drinker's drug of choice which impacts the rest of the household in the most miserable way. It's such a terrible disease.

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Unfortunately, I know all too well. High functioning alcoholics have two lives. They're seemingly normal-looking which to others is nondescript with a job, house, nice car and comfortable lifestyle. Then once doors are closed, the drinking starts and repeats its mentally sick self all over again everyday. It's a drinker's drug of choice which impacts the rest of the household in the most miserable way. It's such a terrible disease.

 

I couldn't have put it better myself ...spot on in every way .

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