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Thread: Is it me!?

  1. #1
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    Is it me!?

    Hi everyone, it's my first post!

    Basically I'm feeling really down about my recent dating experiences and I wonder if anyone has any insight as to what might be going wrong.

    I moved to Paris from the UK and over the last year I've had some pretty crazy confusing experiences and I'm burned out!

    1) First guy I met, I had an amazing connection with, we spent a lot of time together, he called me his girlfriend, I met his mum. I went home for two weeks to the UK, and when I came back he sent me a text saying he's not ready for a relationship 'even if it's me' because of his new job...
    2) Second guy I liked but he was too busy with work and I didn't feel like a priority so I ended it.
    3) Third guy seemed super into me, texting me all the time, we shared the same sense of humour. He came to my birthday party with a present for me (headphones with cats on them because I always talk about cats and he likes them too). He suddenly became unavailable via text a week later and then sent me a huge text saying 'it's not going to work' and 'it's nothing to do with me'. I know that week he lost his job and didn't get paid and a whole lot of rubbish happened to him. We still talk as friends occasionally.
    4) There were a few guys between that but I didn't really click with them until I met Martin (name changed). We met at a party, we went to a music exhibition together, and he invited me on holiday with him and his cousin for a week. I went! We went to Portugal, him and his cousin treated me like a princess. We flirted the entire time, and laughed constantly. He did lots of cute things to show he cared. We slept togehter a few times. When we got back he invited me to his place and made me diner. Then he sent me a text a week later, saying although he likes me and spending time with me, he doesn't see it as a serious thing going forward as he doesn't have the feeling he's looking for.
    5) Crazily I met someone else soon after at a party. Honestly, he seems a bit player-like so I slept with him straight away and didn't expect much. But he liked me, he was super sweet, we cuddled a lot and spent hours and hours talking, and we met up a couple of times at parties etc after that. He still shows interest via text however the last two weeks he's started to ignore me a bit and it's making me sick with anxiety. I'm trying not to bombard him with messages and just back off. But I can't really work out what went wrong and how to fix it. The fact he has ignored my last message has really turned me off and even if he does repsond, it's just too late. I wanted to get to know him and he definitlety did too, but he's just randomly backed out like the other guys.

    With these guys we've shared great humour together and amazing chemistry both physically and emotionally. But they seem to freak out the moment it's serious.

    I don't have a hard time making longlasting friends, maintaining family relationships or proessional relationships.

    Maybe I am too intense too soon? I don't do much different after the initial stage apart from let them know I like them and start to ask them out too.

    I'm 25, I'm a teacher. I am an expat so I don't have a close friends here to vent to.

    Let me know what you think! Is it just bad luck?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How well do you speak the language? How long is your employment there for? Do you have a bf back home? Fun casual dating sounds like it's going well there. Sounds like you are having very good luck at finding dates and having a good time.
    Originally Posted by bonbon
    I moved to Paris from the UK and over the last year

    There were a few guys between that but I didn't really click with them until I met Martin. Then he sent me a text a week later, saying although he likes me and spending time with me, he doesn't see it as a serious thing going forward as he doesn't have the feeling he's looking for.

    I met someone else soon after at a party. Honestly, he seems a bit player-like so I slept with him straight away and didn't expect much.
    I'm 25, I'm a teacher.

  3. #3
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    It sounds pretty typical of the "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince". What do you want out of dating? That's not clear to me since you seem to want something potentially long term yet you had intercourse with a man you believed was a "player" - so maybe you're putting vibes/energy or words out there that come across as confusing as to what you want out of dating. Sound like the men who declined to see you again do know what they want -they wanted serious potential and early on did not see that in you.

    Even though it's fine for two consenting single adults to have sex as soon as they meet or shortly after I'd try to hold off on having intercourse so soon -be physically affectionate, flirt, etc and get to know someone through dates that are focused on being out in public, activities, fun stuff and not "let's go back to mine".

    Good luck!

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    Thanks! I have had a great time but it hurts to get rejected even when it was fun and casual. My french is OK but all of these guys speak English too. I guess I don't really have a plan as to how long I'm staying for. I don't have a bf back home. Maybe they're just wary because I might leave and go back to the UK, who knows.

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  6. #5
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    Yeah I definitely put out a confusing vibe, you're right. I honestly have no idea what I want from dating. I want a boyfriend but I don't necessarily want to take it super seriously if you know what I mean... Like, I don't want to start dating people like clockwork with a checklist of things I want. I'm not at a stage of my life where I can get married within the next two years. I'm 25, I live in a tiny studio and I just moved here.

    I met these guys randomly, we had a great time together and started to form a connection. It confuses me that they've left every time when it starts to become more.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok since it's a fun for now until whenever situation, just enjoy your time. Why strive for a sort of serious situation when things are indefinite and nebulous ? Just have fun. Try to learn more French. That would be the best pursuit while you're there.

    If you restrict yourself to people who also speak English and they have to speak on your terms, what fun is that? If you have a 'just passing through' vibe and casual dating why let things bother you? Learn French.
    Originally Posted by bonbon
    My french is OK but all of these guys speak English too. I guess I don't really have a plan as to how long I'm staying for. Maybe they're just wary because I might leave and go back to the UK, who knows.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What you're describing is basically dating—especially when everything is kind of vague and saucy and you don't know what you want. And sometimes it's a fun, vague, saucy stretch like this that teaches us a bit more of what we want, be that pure sauce or something a little richer. All good, all in all: life, experience, good times.

    What I'd say is not to make assumptions about the "connection" that's being formed. A constant in all your stories, for instance, is that the connection was actually pretty thin. If it was deeper, stronger? Well, then there would only be Guy One or Guy Three or Martin, those stories continuing to unfold rather than ending. While for you those guys backed away when it "starts to become more," for them it may be different: not enough, not quite the "click" they're looking for—or, sure, they may simply only be interested in lots of little clicks as opposed to a big one. Which isn't your doing, or theirs, but just how life goes. Takes a few months, really, to have any idea where something is going, how strong and sustainable a connection is.

    Though not a general rule, I think there's a fair amount of truth to the idea that things that start fast often burn out fast. I'm thinking of Guy One and Martin: quick to label, to introduce to parents, to go away to Portugal, perhaps to make bold proclamations about big feelings—fun stuff, all that. But if it's someone you've only known for a few weeks the hard fact is that that someone is still basically a stranger, even if you're strolling arm-in-arm through Lisbon. It can be a bit like playacting, romance playing out inside a fantasy bubble rather than in reality, and when reality hits it can be disorienting, leading someone (typically the one who was pursuing hard) to back off. So if you start to see a pattern of dudes coming on hot and then going cold, and if you find that's not your thing—well, then you can adjust your behavior a bit.

    But, yeah, it's just dating. I've been in your shoes plenty, been in Guy One's and Martin's. Sustainable connection is really rare—that's what makes it so special. Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the chapters in between.

  9. #8
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    Thanks so much bluecastle! What you said makes a lot of sense.

    Perhaps what I'm confused about is what makes a great "connection". With Martin for example; our conversations never stopped, we complimented each other all the time, we shared the same sense of humour and laughed all the time, we shared common interests/hobbies, we openly talked about our insecurities and our aspirations. Physically it was very good. What more is there to expect within a few weeks of knowing someonone!? I don't understand why he gave up so quickly. Maybe it moved too fast and, as you said, reality hit.

    I could say very similar things about all the guys. Not sure how I managed to meet so many in one go. I like French guys clearly!

    I'm kind of in vacation-mode here, I'm kind of just here for an experience and maybe that's why it means more to me than it does to them. I need people, whereas they already have their lives set up.

    Anyway yeah - you can never know what's going on in the other person's head. I just have to toughen up at accept they don't feel the same. I just find it strange and disheartening that it happened so many times.




    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What you're describing is basically dating—especially when everything is kind of vague and saucy and you don't know what you want. And sometimes it's a fun, vague, saucy stretch like this that teaches us a bit more of what we want, be that pure sauce or something a little richer. All good, all in all: life, experience, good times.

    What I'd say is not to make assumptions about the "connection" that's being formed. A constant in all your stories, for instance, is that the connection was actually pretty thin. If it was deeper, stronger? Well, then there would only be Guy One or Guy Three or Martin, those stories continuing to unfold rather than ending. While for you those guys backed away when it "starts to become more," for them it may be different: not enough, not quite the "click" they're looking for—or, sure, they may simply only be interested in lots of little clicks as opposed to a big one. Which isn't your doing, or theirs, but just how life goes. Takes a few months, really, to have any idea where something is going, how strong and sustainable a connection is.

    Though not a general rule, I think there's a fair amount of truth to the idea that things that start fast often burn out fast. I'm thinking of Guy One and Martin: quick to label, to introduce to parents, to go away to Portugal, perhaps to make bold proclamations about big feelings—fun stuff, all that. But if it's someone you've only known for a few weeks the hard fact is that that someone is still basically a stranger, even if you're strolling arm-in-arm through Lisbon. It can be a bit like playacting, romance playing out inside a fantasy bubble rather than in reality, and when reality hits it can be disorienting, leading someone (typically the one who was pursuing hard) to back off. So if you start to see a pattern of dudes coming on hot and then going cold, and if you find that's not your thing—well, then you can adjust your behavior a bit.

    But, yeah, it's just dating. I've been in your shoes plenty, been in Guy One's and Martin's. Sustainable connection is really rare—that's what makes it so special. Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the chapters in between.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Look into things there. Classes, courses, clubs, groups, etc. Start interacting in french more. Casual sex and short term dating is fun and fine, but try to round out your life or every time a casual situation ends you'll feel left out. Also having a good time and clicking or meeting family/friends doesn't mean anything past "this is fun". Don't keep pretending you're in relationships or grasping and clinging this much because you're lonely. Mix it up with local people more.
    Originally Posted by bonbon
    I need people, whereas they already have their lives set up.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear this. You seem upset and confused about the lost connections. I think you're enjoying yourself and having fun. Unfortunately I think what you don't like is that others are also having fun with you. You want to be taken seriously but you don't want to take anyone seriously. I don't blame you as you are away from home, an expat and working. You've got a have-fun-in-the-moment and YOLO vibe. Locals probably won't take you seriously because no one knows whether you're coming or going or what you're doing. You're probably not the person any guy thinks is going to stick around for long so why bother getting to know you or wasting time?

    Have fun while you're away. If you're looking for more steady friendships, don't sleep with them. Go out, spend time together, chat, see the French countryside. I think you're overcomplicating things.

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