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Thread: Is it me!?

  1. #21
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    You're going through a lot of people so maybe take it slow next time? Slow down on the sex and don't get caught up in a whirlwind so quickly.

  2. #22
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    I've been living in Paris for the last couple of years, I'm an expat myself, and I don't have any advice for you, dating is hard here. Still trying to figure out things, I can't tell you how many guys I had amazing connection with, and it didn't end well. I could seriously write a book about this. Are you planning on staying here long-term?

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by kim42
    I've been living in Paris for the last couple of years, I'm an expat myself, and I don't have any advice for you, dating is hard here. Still trying to figure out things, I can't tell you how many guys I had amazing connection with, and it didn't end well. I could seriously write a book about this. Are you planning on staying here long-term?
    So strange isn't it! Maybe at the end of the day they just want to be with someone French. But it's a shame. My job contract is 7 months and after that I don't know. How about you?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    There's no such thing as " thinking with emotions' -that's inconsistent. I don't think that you believe romance overrules everything -I think you want -with your head - a serious relationship - you're not willing to put the effort into developing a serious relationship. You like the feeling of romance and the idea of romance but yet you're pursuing men who clearly are looking for more than just romantic feelings or "romance" -they want a potential relationship. That means not only romance but someone with compatible values, goals, stuff in common. Why believe that romance ovverrules -what does that even mean? That you should be able to act on sexual feelings and have sex with someone you just met because it feels "romantic" and that should take precedence over taking a long term view and maybe holding off on acting on impulsive "romantic" feelings to maybe get to know someone?
    No but this is what upsets me. Yes, I want a serious relationship, and I will put in the work but only after some time when it's obvious it's serious from both parts. After a few weeks I don't know if it's serious or not, all I know is that I really like them and they like me too. And then they just vanish. But yeah maybe it's just obvious I'm not sure what I'm doing in this country and how long I'm here for etc. and that's too much of a risk for most people. I understand.

    But also I'm not really sure what 'serious relationship' means. I want someone to do fun things with, chill and watch movies, eat dinner. Be emotionally connected and exclusive. I don't have some sort of long term goal for it, I want it to happen naturally. But it seems the guys I've met maybe do have some sort of timeline in mind. I would love to meet someone more chill.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by bonbon
    So strange isn't it! Maybe at the end of the day they just want to be with someone French. But it's a shame. My job contract is 7 months and after that I don't know. How about you?
    Just enjoy yourself as much as you can, Paris is a wonderful city. If dating stresses you too much, then just focus on yourself/job/friends. I'm staying for now, my life is well established here, but the romance thing is crazy (I don't know if I should laugh or cry about it🤤). What I like about this experience is that I've grown so much as a person. Good luck!

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    These guys are using you for sex and you are perceived as "easy." They romp with you in the hay, grow tired of you and it's onto their next conquest. You're just another notch on their belt.

    Try nurturing friendships and evolving them into relationships if it's going in that direction instead of jumping in the sack and then having them leave you once they got what they wanted. They disrespect you because you're a dime-a-dozen.

    If you want to stand out from the crowd, don't be part of the crowd. Hold yourself to a higher standard. Put forth the effort to cultivate friendships into relationships which requires lots of TIME. Yes, you're too intense too soon. Slow down!

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bonbon
    But also I'm not really sure what 'serious relationship' means. I want someone to do fun things with, chill and watch movies, eat dinner. Be emotionally connected and exclusive. I don't have some sort of long term goal for it, I want it to happen naturally. But it seems the guys I've met maybe do have some sort of timeline in mind. I would love to meet someone more chill.
    Do you express this to the men you've mentioned? Or do you kind of see where it goes?

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Do you express this to the men you've mentioned? Or do you kind of see where it goes?
    I see where it goes... You think I should express this? In each scenario I've never felt our intentions were different, apart from Martin where I felt he was a bit all over the place - wanting something very serious (just turned 30) but at the same time wants to move country... sounds like me... oops

    Actually it seems silly now I'm typing it out. Of course I should mention the kind of thing I'm looking for.
    Last edited by bonbon; 11-01-2019 at 06:49 PM.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by bonbon
    I see where it goes... You think I should express this? I feel like I do express it with my actions but I haven't had a direct conversation about it. And honestly anything I say they just go along with haha. I don't really trust words too much. But maybe this is one of my problems - communication.
    Hmmm - if you think romance is so important then why isn't communication as or more important -isn't communication what fuels romance? I'm not saying you have to know right off the bat if it's serious but by having sex right away and the person knowing you're not here with any permanence the signal is you're not looking for anything potentially serious.

    I'm not a fan of "friends first" - do the romantic stuff, flirt, be physically affectionate, go on dates - get to know the man by dating him -doing activities with him -not hanging out at his place and watching movies and having sex right away -where's the romance in that? I don't think having the goal of a serious relationship means the person is on a rigid timeline -some are, some aren't . If you want things to evolve naturally then hold off on having sex and playing at being a couple and date each other.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Hmmm - if you think romance is so important then why isn't communication as or more important -isn't communication what fuels romance? I'm not saying you have to know right off the bat if it's serious but by having sex right away and the person knowing you're not here with any permanence the signal is you're not looking for anything potentially serious.

    I'm not a fan of "friends first" - do the romantic stuff, flirt, be physically affectionate, go on dates - get to know the man by dating him -doing activities with him -not hanging out at his place and watching movies and having sex right away -where's the romance in that? I don't think having the goal of a serious relationship means the person is on a rigid timeline -some are, some aren't . If you want things to evolve naturally then hold off on having sex and playing at being a couple and date each other.
    I agree with you. I have been doing a version of this - most of the time I don't sleep with them the first few times (usually 3 weeks) and I want to get to know them and their intentions over time so not to kill the romance straight away. We do fun things together like museums etc. I guess the catch is I'm probably not permanent here and I also am perceived as slightly 'easy' because maybe I'm a bit too confident with jumping into things/get attached quickly because I don't know as many people here. I find it a bit unfair and sexist that it's a problem though because I still take guys seriously even if they sleep with me.

    I find communication with words ok but I prefer quality time, actions and affection.

    I'm also happy to be in a friendship that develops. Anyway, I'll sort myself out and take it even slower next time/have my own life figured out. Guess I'll see what happens!

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