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Thread: Is it me!?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bonbon
    I'm kind of in vacation-mode here, I'm kind of just here for an experience and maybe that's why it means more to me than it does to them. I need people, whereas they already have their lives set up.
    There are pluses and minuses to vacation mode. Everything is intense, without quite being real. And if you're presenting yourself as someone who isn't really "anywhere" you're likely not going to be someone who people really invest in, you know? "Fun" is kind of the beginning and end—and "fun" can mean talking about aspirations and insecurities, things that are almost easier to reveal to someone you think of as temporary than permanent.

    I moved to a new city a little over 1.5 years ago. I have homes in two others, a job I can do anywhere, and wasn't quite certain if it this an extended intermission or a new home base—and that, of course, made me intriguing in ways to new people and frustrating in others. May as well have had a sign around my neck reading "Short Term Fun Only." I certainly had plenty of fun: saucy interludes, life chats with strangers who felt like old friends, and so on. It was kind of where I was and what I needed, for a bit. But the cursory nature of it got old and disheartening, since I'm by nature someone who is motivated by depth and since I knew that what I wanted romantically was a partnership with forever potential, not a lost weekend that lasted somewhere between 2 and 60 days. I'm 40. I've had a lot of lost weekends.

    But alas: What sane woman would allow herself to invest in a man who lived "nowhere" and gave off the impression that he might be riding his motorcycle to the next stop in a few weeks?

    After 6 months I made the decision to really settle down here—not explicitly for dating reasons, but because I'd realized this is where I genuinely wanted to start putting down some roots, a place that offered the depths I was seeking for my own spirit. Once I made that choice—which was just a shift in my mindset, not connecting to buying property or anything—I noticed things changed on the romantic front. For starters, I was less enamored by things that felt super shimmery and saucy off the bat—cool, great; but now I was more interested in seeing if we could get to month 3, year 2, rather than simply a delicious interlude. Guess you could say I stopped being confused by the female Martins, but just saw them as experiences in dating that weren't connected to what I was seeking. Not so mysterious or disheartening because they just meant I hadn't found what I was looking for.

    All that I share to say: maybe this is a little moment to check in with yourself about what Paris is to you right now? Is it the next month, the next year? Is it your new home base for an undermined future? There are no wrong answers—especially, mon dieu, when we're talking about Paris, where you can ask these questions while eating oysters at Marie Celeste or skimming a magazine at Comptoir General. But once you have some firmer understanding of them you won't be as confused by these moments. They'll be delicious interludes during a delicious transitional chapter in life, or connections that proved not to have the juju you're looking for from romance, if that makes sense.

    Inhale, exhale, enjoy it all. Paris!

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bonbon
    Yeah I definitely put out a confusing vibe, you're right. I honestly have no idea what I want from dating. I want a boyfriend but I don't necessarily want to take it super seriously if you know what I mean... Like, I don't want to start dating people like clockwork with a checklist of things I want. I'm not at a stage of my life where I can get married within the next two years. I'm 25, I live in a tiny studio and I just moved here.

    I met these guys randomly, we had a great time together and started to form a connection. It confuses me that they've left every time when it starts to become more.
    I'm not sure why you would be confused given what you wrote above.

    I've lived in my new city for ten years. My former one for 43. This is the city where my son has been raised since 6 months old and since I was a newlywed. My particular neighborhood attracts a lot of transients - people here from another state or country for a year or so, as well as people living here until they increase their family and then it's off to the burbs. So I listen carefully when I meet someone as to what their plans are for staying in this community. I will have fun with people who are transient but I won't prioritize spending time with them or getting to know them -I have enough phone friends right now and chat friends. Likewise if I meet someone who lives here in the city but is constantly doing all her social activities way out in the burbs I also invest less time in that person. I think you're facing a similar situation as the transient/temporary person.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok since it's a fun for now until whenever situation, just enjoy your time. Why strive for a sort of serious situation when things are indefinite and nebulous ? Just have fun. Try to learn more French. That would be the best pursuit while you're there.

    If you restrict yourself to people who also speak English and they have to speak on your terms, what fun is that? If you have a 'just passing through' vibe and casual dating why let things bother you? Learn French.
    I agree.... I know rejection hurts, however try to look at each one as a good time and focus on having fun in the short term... all of these experiences will be ones you can look back on fondly and will help you decide what you want in a relationship. Besides, you actually seem to be doing very well overall in the dating game and meeting lots of people!

  4. #14

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    WOW thank you Rose Mosse. You're completely right. No one said moving country would be easy and maybe this is just part of it. Especially as a young English speaking female in a place like Paris, it's pretty hard to be taken seriously even by locals just as friends to be honest, or even buying tickets for the metro. That's why when a local male shows me all this affection I get kind of carried away. It's like a quick fix and I maybe expect too much.

    Pretty tough experience all in all! But you guys are helping me remember it was/is fun and I just have to accept it for what it is.

    I do speak French a lot better now and I can see things changing a bit - locals are starting to talk to me more and invite me to things. It just takes time.

    Just trying not to get jaded!



    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm sorry to hear this. You seem upset and confused about the lost connections. I think you're enjoying yourself and having fun. Unfortunately I think what you don't like is that others are also having fun with you. You want to be taken seriously but you don't want to take anyone seriously. I don't blame you as you are away from home, an expat and working. You've got a have-fun-in-the-moment and YOLO vibe. Locals probably won't take you seriously because no one knows whether you're coming or going or what you're doing. You're probably not the person any guy thinks is going to stick around for long so why bother getting to know you or wasting time?

    Have fun while you're away. If you're looking for more steady friendships, don't sleep with them. Go out, spend time together, chat, see the French countryside. I think you're overcomplicating things.

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  6. #15

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    There are pluses and minuses to vacation mode. Everything is intense, without quite being real. And if you're presenting yourself as someone who isn't really "anywhere" you're likely not going to be someone who people really invest in, you know? "Fun" is kind of the beginning and end—and "fun" can mean talking about aspirations and insecurities, things that are almost easier to reveal to someone you think of as temporary than permanent.

    I moved to a new city a little over 1.5 years ago. I have homes in two others, a job I can do anywhere, and wasn't quite certain if it this an extended intermission or a new home base—and that, of course, made me intriguing in ways to new people and frustrating in others. May as well have had a sign around my neck reading "Short Term Fun Only." I certainly had plenty of fun: saucy interludes, life chats with strangers who felt like old friends, and so on. It was kind of where I was and what I needed, for a bit. But the cursory nature of it got old and disheartening, since I'm by nature someone who is motivated by depth and since I knew that what I wanted romantically was a partnership with forever potential, not a lost weekend that lasted somewhere between 2 and 60 days. I'm 40. I've had a lot of lost weekends.

    But alas: What sane woman would allow herself to invest in a man who lived "nowhere" and gave off the impression that he might be riding his motorcycle to the next stop in a few weeks?

    After 6 months I made the decision to really settle down here—not explicitly for dating reasons, but because I'd realized this is where I genuinely wanted to start putting down some roots, a place that offered the depths I was seeking for my own spirit. Once I made that choice—which was just a shift in my mindset, not connecting to buying property or anything—I noticed things changed on the romantic front. For starters, I was less enamored by things that felt super shimmery and saucy off the bat—cool, great; but now I was more interested in seeing if we could get to month 3, year 2, rather than simply a delicious interlude. Guess you could say I stopped being confused by the female Martins, but just saw them as experiences in dating that weren't connected to what I was seeking. Not so mysterious or disheartening because they just meant I hadn't found what I was looking for.

    All that I share to say: maybe this is a little moment to check in with yourself about what Paris is to you right now? Is it the next month, the next year? Is it your new home base for an undermined future? There are no wrong answers—especially, mon dieu, when we're talking about Paris, where you can ask these questions while eating oysters at Marie Celeste or skimming a magazine at Comptoir General. But once you have some firmer understanding of them you won't be as confused by these moments. They'll be delicious interludes during a delicious transitional chapter in life, or connections that proved not to have the juju you're looking for from romance, if that makes sense.

    Inhale, exhale, enjoy it all. Paris!
    Wow this is amazing! Thank you so much for your advice! I really understand what you mean about vacation mode. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    Yes, I need to chill, enjoy Paris, live in the moment and I'll decide over the next few months what my long term plans are.

  7. #16

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I'm not sure why you would be confused given what you wrote above.

    I've lived in my new city for ten years. My former one for 43. This is the city where my son has been raised since 6 months old and since I was a newlywed. My particular neighborhood attracts a lot of transients - people here from another state or country for a year or so, as well as people living here until they increase their family and then it's off to the burbs. So I listen carefully when I meet someone as to what their plans are for staying in this community. I will have fun with people who are transient but I won't prioritize spending time with them or getting to know them -I have enough phone friends right now and chat friends. Likewise if I meet someone who lives here in the city but is constantly doing all her social activities way out in the burbs I also invest less time in that person. I think you're facing a similar situation as the transient/temporary person.
    Thanks for your insight here. I think I'm maybe one of those people who think with emotions rather than logic. I would love to believe romance overrules! But I have to admit, when I lived in the UK I only dated people from the UK, even more specifically people nearby where I lived because I didn't want to invest in someone who's going to leave, and make my life more complicated. But now I think it's quite cool. Guess I just have to meet someone who also thinks it's cool.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It honestly sounds like you get caught up in the what burns hot and fast, burns out just as fast situation over and over.

    You seem to go for guys that are over the top with instant attention, texting, trips, basically a whirlwind situation. Problem is that people who move so fast generally only enjoy that quick high and then run off to the next high.

    Maybe instead of doing the same thing over and over, try to change your pace and your approach. Date more calmly, space dates out a bit, etc. Look for a more calm steady pace, rather than fast and furious.

    BUT....are you really looking for anything serious or are you just having fun? Serious question. Because if you are just having fun, then carry on with the appropriate expectation that a whirlwind is just that - over quickly and on to the next adventure.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by bonbon
    Thanks for your insight here. I think I'm maybe one of those people who think with emotions rather than logic. I would love to believe romance overrules! But I have to admit, when I lived in the UK I only dated people from the UK, even more specifically people nearby where I lived because I didn't want to invest in someone who's going to leave, and make my life more complicated. But now I think it's quite cool. Guess I just have to meet someone who also thinks it's cool.
    There's no such thing as " thinking with emotions' -that's inconsistent. I don't think that you believe romance overrules everything -I think you want -with your head - a serious relationship - you're not willing to put the effort into developing a serious relationship. You like the feeling of romance and the idea of romance but yet you're pursuing men who clearly are looking for more than just romantic feelings or "romance" -they want a potential relationship. That means not only romance but someone with compatible values, goals, stuff in common. Why believe that romance ovverrules -what does that even mean? That you should be able to act on sexual feelings and have sex with someone you just met because it feels "romantic" and that should take precedence over taking a long term view and maybe holding off on acting on impulsive "romantic" feelings to maybe get to know someone?

    Romance does overrule for casual flings for sure -because there's no risk -you can act on romantic feelings and have a lovely short term romance knowing it won't go anywhere. I had that a few times -on vacations - except we were on the same page. In one case he said something about staying in touch but we lived thousands of miles away from each other and I knew it wasn't going to happen (and no I did not have sex with him -casual sex is not my thing,personally).

    If you meet someone who thinks it's cool that you might relocate on a whim then that person will likely have a career or job where he can work remotely and he will be a person who likes to up and leave and follow someone he is dating. It's rare but there may be someone who feels that way. Your choice.

  10. #19
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    "Perhaps what I'm confused about is what makes a great "connection". With Martin for example; our conversations never stopped, we complimented each other all the time, we shared the same sense of humour and laughed all the time, we shared common interests/hobbies, we openly talked about our insecurities and our aspirations. Physically it was very good. What more is there to expect within a few weeks of knowing someonone!? I don't understand why he gave up so quickly. Maybe it moved too fast and, as you said, reality hit."

    A great connection is when both parties have an attachment and want to keep seeing each other PAST the point where you have fun conversations and compliment each other all the time. You have great short term compatibility but that doesn't mean the long term compatibility is there. You're right - it's only a few weeks! In that amount of time, most people - if they are attracted to each other - mirror behavior and focus on the ways that you are compatible. True compatibility is when both of you really understand each others flaws and still want to stay. So you can't judge the level of connection based on just a few weeks. You can really only judge the level of attraction, and mostly you can only judge your own and not the other parties at that.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    It honestly sounds like you get caught up in the what burns hot and fast, burns out just as fast situation over and over.

    You seem to go for guys that are over the top with instant attention, texting, trips, basically a whirlwind situation. Problem is that people who move so fast generally only enjoy that quick high and then run off to the next high.

    Maybe instead of doing the same thing over and over, try to change your pace and your approach. Date more calmly, space dates out a bit, etc. Look for a more calm steady pace, rather than fast and furious.

    BUT....are you really looking for anything serious or are you just having fun? Serious question. Because if you are just having fun, then carry on with the appropriate expectation that a whirlwind is just that - over quickly and on to the next adventure.
    Ditto!!! I was thinking the exact same thing

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