Advice Needed: Sudden Loss of Libido

Greetings Enotaloners,

It's been a little while since I sought advice here. In my usual style, this will likely be long and rambling. Also, a warning, this post is at times frank and explicit.

My girlfriend and I moved in together two weeks ago after just shy of a year of dating. While it hasn't been the smoothest transition, with some pre-existing issues around communication being amplified in the process of moving and intergrating our lives, I believe we have settled down a bit and we are slowly getting into the groove. However, I am experiencing a sudden loss of sex drive following a discussion around sex and intimacy.

A Brief History

Our relationship is generally good, however sex and intimacy has been an issue at times. A brief history of these being:

• The first few times being intimate with each other after the first time, we had some issues with ED and self-lubrication. We worked through these and they have not been an issue since.
  
• Very early in the relationship, not long after we started being intimate, my girlfriend commented that her sister and mother both dislike sex, and they have separate bedrooms from their husbands. While I was understanding, I explained that I didn't want to be in a relationship without physical intimacy. I sought assurance that she did enjoy and want sex with me in our relationship, which she gave me.
  
• Prior to moving in together we usually only saw each on weekends (F,S,S nights) and would usually have sex one of these nights. We also sleep on separate single mattresses with separate linen, push together to make a queen size. We recently bought beds for our new apartment in the same style (her idea)
  
• At one point (around May), she commented that she sometimes felt I was pushing for sex when I was cuddling/kissing her. This was somewhat true, although it was not intentional per se, and I subsequently tried to tone it down while still being my naturally demonstrative self. I also reassured that I didn't expect physical intimacy to always lead to sex.
  
• Later, in a social setting with some close friends, we were all discussing sex in long term relationships, particularly frequency, where I commented that I would probably be a '3-times-a-week' kind of guy, to which she reacted positively. She has also expressed a similar sentiment at another time when it was just us.
  
• Also early in the relationship, she asked me to not be naked in front of her in non-sexual situations (i.e. changing clothes). I am something of a 'home-nudist', in that I sleep naked, and often will be naked after waking up or showering for an extended amount of time. After her request, I stopped doing this (I still sleep naked, but I keep pajamas on hand to put home before getting up).
  
• On a related note, she has commented on at least 3 occasions that she is not physically turned-on by male bodies. She says she can appreciate a good body, but it does not get her excited. By the way, I am by no means an Adonis.
  
• During a fight where sex was raised as an issue by me, she commented 'I never had this problem with my ex-boyfriend'. She immediately apologised, but I was obviously extremely hurt by this. In a separate conversation around sex, she has also disclosed that she engaged in some sexual activities with her ex which we have not (watching pornography together), which she referred to positively (on a side note, she said she was turned on by the female porn actresses).
  
• We have different sexual styles. I prefer extended foreplay and 'exploring', whereas she generally wants to get to penetrative sex quicker. She is also incapable of orgasm (her explanation), which has had a weird effect on me. I often feel pressure to 'finish', and more and more I actually don't (stopping sex with orgasm).
  

Despite this, when we have sex, it is generally very good.

There are two more more issues, which are entirely on my side:

• I have never felt she has been 100% up-front about her feelings around sex, possibly because I feel on some level she herself is not 100% honest with herself. This is fed by my own self-esteem issues and relationship insecurities around feeling attractive and wanted.
  
• I am not completely satisfied with our sex life, in that I would like to explore more sexually - different positions, locations (i.e. different rooms), toys. For me, this is linked to growing intimacy and trust. We have both expressed that we are in this relationship with the expectation of it going the distance (i.e. marriage), so she may be the only woman I sleep with for the rest of my life. I want to be 100% into each other and explore our sexual sides together.
  

The Issue

Last Sunday we had a rough day, with small fights throughout the day. This had been a pattern for the first week together and was getting to both of us. Since then, we have both been making a huge effort to improve our communication and I genuinely feel we had made big progress in the last 4-5 days. However, on Sunday evening after we had a big 'lay-it-all-out' type discussion to work through the issues, I raised our sex life. We had only had sex once since moving together, and while I was acutely aware that this was symptomatic of our fighting, I wanted to talk about her feelings around sex more generally. Note that I prefaced by expressing that I genuinely enjoy our sex life now. The question I specifically asked was:

Do you feel that in the future you would want to explore more sexually, or would you be happy if it stayed exactly the same as now?

She asked for specifics, and I replied:

Well, for example, using toys one day...

She replied that she wasn't interested in toys, and was happy with the way it was now and did not want more. She also commented that she did not want sex during the week, and that once a week was enough. She was initally quite categorical in her answer, however she clearly saw my face drop a little, because she followed up with "at the moment; maybe one day it will change." I told her not to hedge, I wanted her to be completely honest. She went on to talk about not being 'horny' frequently. After some clarification, my understanding of her feelings is that she cannot be 'turned on' by anything directly, and that sex is more of a physical thing (as opposed to part about trust, intimacy and connecting in the relationship).

I heard her, and I completely accept her feelings around this. My feelings around sex are that it has two sides; physical (libido) and emotional (intimacy). I do feel she has finally been honest with me. However, since that discussion, my libido has completely and entirely vanished. Prior to this, I had fairly high libido, and would masturbate every 1-2 days on average, but I have not even had an erection for 4 days (apart from morning wood). She has also made some moves toward me to initiate sex, but I have not be aroused (in fact, I was a slightly repelled). On the intimacy side, I have been making a real effort to improve our relationship from my side (as has she from hers), and I genuinely feel it is working and feel closer to her than I did last week. However, last week I wanted her sexually, to be intimate with her. Now, I don't. I have tried watching pornography, however that too does not arouse me. I have also become overall less physically demonstrative (kisses, hugs). I worry that I am subconciously punishing her, although I am conciously adamant that I am not. I also worry that somehow a switch has gone off in my head. Oddly, I feel happier/better in almost every other regard (both personally and in the relationship), as I have been exercising more since moving and just had 2 days off to myself which has been great for recharging and getting things done.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Should I just wait and see if my sex-drive returns in the coming days/weeks? Should I let her know, so she understands my rejection of her advances, or, because I am not sure of the cause or reasoning, should I keep it to myself until I understand?

Thank you in advance for any insight and advice,

T

EDIT: One more relevant point that just occured to me: When I was single, I would periodically lose libido for short periods (a few weeks to a month). This would occur maybe once or twice a year, and generally when I would get into something new (hobby, work, etc.). Is it possible this has just occured with a life change and its nothing to worry about? This has not happened in a relationship before, however.

We had something similar in our relationship. My suggestion is to 1) see a medical doctor first (both of you or your respective drs) and then 2) talk about anything if it's warranted (cross that bridge if it's appropriate). It could be hormonal but my suspicion is that this is more psychological. She should see her doctor also. As we all know, with age, there are some surprises and differences in our bodies. You may think in your 20s-30s you're in your prime but not so for everyone and your bodies are still changing. After you've ruled out the physical or any hormonal issues, I'd go back to the idea of trust and authenticity in the relationship.

I say trust and authenticity because you seem to have questioned her a great deal, both literally and figuratively in your language or telling of how you feel and the events above. I get the sense that your ideas about your girlfriend and a future with her aren't very stable. For ie. If your sex life is this now (or a rough patch of a couple of months), it may mean that this isn't a relationship that's worth pursuing. This puts a lot of pressure on two people to perform consistently every week or every month and all I can tell you, from experience, this isn't realistic. You've only dated a year. A year is still a year and I hope you've learned a lot about each other but a year is not going to build that deep bond with someone or allow you to accept and see all the flaws of a person. Eventually you'll have to accept some flaws about each other also, whether it's one person's penchant for misunderstandings or another person's emotions or someone's overthinking and worries.

A lot of people will tell you to leave the relationship if your sex life isn't ideal (to each his/her own) as sexual compatibility is important. It is. It's just not the be all/end all of everything. You're perturbed right now and probably a little out of your mind with worry and it's causing ripple effects in the way you see yourself and in the way you see your gf. Don't let it spread like that. Deal with one thing at a time. Get yourselves checked out for any hormonal issues or physical ailments and if it comes back normal, start digging deeper and connecting about yourselves and your future in a more holistic way. Sex and intimacy isn't just about what the sexual act does for each individual. If the trust and authenticity isn't there in either of you (neither of you being comfortable enough to be yourselves for fear of offending the other), this isn't a healthy situation. Turn that around and create healthier, happier and more lighthearted/genuine spaces to connect. Be genuinely interested in each other and aim to care and devote yourselves to each other's flaws and strengths. Everything else will take care of itself.

lol I think you and I have a similar posting style - long, rambling but well-structured.

Ok, first obvious question, how old is your girlfriend? Is she Japanese? I am just wondering because if she is in her late 20s or 30s, she should have a pretty high sex drive, in fact it should be the peak of her libido. All this drama and stress around sex, the “my sister and mother dislike sex”, the “once a week”, the “not physically turned on by male body” plus the “turned on by female porn actress” all point towards the fact that she might be gay, but living in a conservative environment, she has got herself a boyfriend to appease the parents, and she is providing just enough physical intimacy to keep you around, whilst actually hating it, or at least not enjoying it. Not saying that she is definitely gay, but collectively that is a red flag for me.

As for your libido, I think that the underlying issue is your anxiety. You need to be relaxed to be physically intimate with somebody, and sex has clearly become an issue in your relationship. You associate it with stress and drama, so of course your body no longer wants it. I find it quite frustrating that popular media portrays female sexuality like an art form, you need to please her emotionally, physically, every woman is different, you need to explore to find out what she likes… etc but when it comes to men, we get portrayed like horny bags of hormones good to go at the sight of any female skin. Men also need stimulation, passion, foreplay... It is definitely not sexy when a woman treats sex like a chore to be completed, lying there and just waiting for you to get it over with.

I had a brief look at your previous threads. It seems to me like you are a sensitive, empathetic and anxious individual. Empathy is generally thought of as a positive trait, and indeed the complete lack of empathy is tied to psychopathy, but I do think that having too much empathy, being too sensitive, can also be a problem too, making people more vulnerable to anxiety and depression, among other issues.

Have you truly resolved the underlying anxiety and insecurities that you struggle with over a year ago? Have you understood the underlying reasons?

There was a time when I would have dismissed your concerns as “simple attention-seeking”, because let us be frank here, you are a tall and handsome white guy living in a country that practically worships men like you. It is difficult for those of us less fortunate to even fathom how you could have insecurities, but I have since realized that very few people are truly completely happy in themselves, and for those with serious insecurities, there is usually always an underlying issue. For example, a very pretty Chinese girl I know is insecure because her family (especially grandparents) were hoping that she was born a boy, and deeply disappointed by her birth. She was not abused as a child, but she felt neglected (which I guess could be argued as a form of abuse) and almost never received affirmation from her parents. Of course, she got plenty of attention from men as an adult, but she puts that down to “they just want to sleep with me” and the insecurity from a “lack of love in childhood”, as she puts it, remains to this day.

I think it is impossible to be completely free of anxiety and insecurity, but understanding your root causes could help you to put it into perspective, accept your imperfections and move on emotionally.

Hi Rose and Mirror,

Thank you both for your insights and advice.

We had something similar in our relationship. My suggestion is to 1) see a medical doctor first (both of you or your respective drs) and then 2) talk about anything if it's warranted (cross that bridge if it's appropriate).

I have commented on occasion on some issues I have had with ED in the past, and I will definitely take your advice for my part. On her side, I don't necessarily think there is anything 'wrong', physiologically or otherwise, although if we do have a discussion about it, I will perhaps mention my intention and see if she wants to go down that route as well.

I say trust and authenticity because you seem to have questioned her a great deal, both literally and figuratively in your language or telling of how you feel and the events above. I get the sense that your ideas about your girlfriend and a future with her aren't very stable. For ie. If your sex life is this now (or a rough patch of a couple of months), it may mean that this isn't a relationship that's worth pursuing. This puts a lot of pressure on two people to perform consistently every week or every month and all I can tell you, from experience, this isn't realistic. You've only dated a year. A year is still a year and I hope you've learned a lot about each other but a year is not going to build that deep bond with someone or allow you to accept and see all the flaws of a person. Eventually you'll have to accept some flaws about each other also, whether it's one person's penchant for misunderstandings or another person's emotions or someone's overthinking and worries.

I definitely have a problem with idealisation of relationships; I imagine how I want it to be and when things aren't going that way, it can hit me pretty hard. I think its connected to the fact that my relationship with my partner and family are my paramount measure of success; things like work, money, fame, even friendships are not as important to my sense of identity and self-worth.

I want to emphasize that this is a skewed snippet of the overall relationship. I (sometimes unfortunately) have a very good memory, so I can pull these questions out of the filebox of my mind, however I could definitely produce a list a hundred times longer of the good times and how much we fit together (including physically).

A lot of people will tell you to leave the relationship if your sex life isn't ideal (to each his/her own) as sexual compatibility is important. It is. It's just not the be all/end all of everything. You're perturbed right now and probably a little out of your mind with worry and it's causing ripple effects in the way you see yourself and in the way you see your gf. Don't let it spread like that. Deal with one thing at a time. Get yourselves checked out for any hormonal issues or physical ailments and if it comes back normal, start digging deeper and connecting about yourselves and your future in a more holistic way. Sex and intimacy isn't just about what the sexual act does for each individual. If the trust and authenticity isn't there in either of you (neither of you being comfortable enough to be yourselves for fear of offending the other), this isn't a healthy situation. Turn that around and create healthier, happier and more lighthearted/genuine spaces to connect. Be genuinely interested in each other and aim to care and devote yourselves to each other's flaws and strengths. Everything else will take care of itself.

Thank you for this. It puts me at ease, particularly as I am genuinely already on that path and have already started to feel lighter and like there is a lot to look forward too in the coming days as we start this life together. I guess one part of it is that it's a kind of cognitive dissonance, in that sex represented the ultimate intimacy to me in my idealised relationship, but confronted with a reality it is not so for my partner. I still feel close to her, I just need to find other ways to embrace and express it.

Ok, first obvious question, how old is your girlfriend? Is she Japanese?

My girlfriend and I are both 36, and she is Japanese. She is the woman mentioned in my post of just over a year ago, and remains a curious and intriguing (at least to me) blend of traditional, hegemonic Japanese values and free-spirited, open-mindedness lol.

... she might be gay, but living in a conservative environment, she has got herself a boyfriend to appease the parents, and she is providing just enough physical intimacy to keep you around, whilst actually hating it, or at least not enjoying it. Not saying that she is definitely gay, but collectively that is a red flag for me.

I won't lie, I considered it, particularly after she commented about not being attracted to men sexually, but being turned on by the female form. That said, I personally believe that sexuality is a spectrum, so if she is somewhere closer to the middle than fully hetero-sexual that doesn't bother me. I have gotten to know her family relatively well now, and although they are traditional, I think they would be fine with her being gay. She is also usually brutally honest, and I believe these red-flags more point to her not wanting to fully express her views on sex (i.e. lower libido generally) as she felt it might scare me off (which it may have at an early stage, if I am honest), so she has let it out in drips and drabs. The crux of it being: I can't rule it out, and if she is that far in the closet I doubt she would admit it even if I asked, but I think its low enough odds that I wouldn't end the relationship on the suspicion.

As for your libido, I think that the underlying issue is your anxiety. You need to be relaxed to be physically intimate with somebody, and sex has clearly become an issue in your relationship. You associate it with stress and drama, so of course your body no longer wants it...

 

I had a brief look at your previous threads. It seems to me like you are a sensitive, empathetic and anxious individual. Empathy is generally thought of as a positive trait, and indeed the complete lack of empathy is tied to psychopathy, but I do think that having too much empathy, being too sensitive, can also be a problem too, making people more vulnerable to anxiety and depression, among other issues...

 

I think it is impossible to be completely free of anxiety and insecurity, but understanding your root causes could help you to put it into perspective, accept your imperfections and move on emotionally....

 

Have you truly resolved the underlying anxiety and insecurities that you struggle with over a year ago? Have you understood the underlying reasons?

The benefit of historical context is a great thing, and I am absolutely still a work-in-progress. I have come a long way, no doubt, and, this being my first serious, long-term since my rather bumpy ride with my ex ended in 2015, there is still a long way to go. I am genuinely committed to continuing working my stuff, and will do irregardless of anything else because of how much my life has already improved. To be honest, even reflecting on it as I write this, I feel so happy that I am not still where I was a year ago in terms of my mental state. However, as you rightly note, a vast majority (if not all) of this is coming from in my own head.

I think the best I can do is follow Rose's advice; move forward, and keep building a life together and see what happens. I suspect, with time, things will change again and we will move and grow together. Besides which, I am not even sure low or no libido is necessarily a bad thing, if both partners are on the same page? As long as I can feel the honest and deep connection with my girlfriend that I sought through sex without it, then no great loss. I guess I will just keep it quiet for now and focus on the other aspects of our relationship, while also continuing the unending journey of self-growth that I have been on.

There was a time when I would have dismissed your concerns as “simple attention-seeking”, because let us be frank here, you are a tall and handsome white guy living in a country that practically worships men like you. It is difficult for those of us less fortunate to even fathom how you could have insecurities ...

Ha ha, I definitely take your point here, although these days that stereotype has been somewhat tarnished by the droves of d-bags exploiting it over the years. Besides which, that whole scene was never my style nor intention when I came here, and the challenges culturally, linguistically, and otherwise balance the scales fairly well.

And don't diminish yourself like that, because like you, I am somewhat aware of what you struggle with, and you have just as much going for you in life and love. You are more traditional successful and attractive than me on so many scales; wealth and business success (I have two BAs, one of which is in Law, and I am working as an English Teacher, which has almost no chance of career progression and earns realtively low income), coming from a stable, successful family unit (my parents can't be in the same room, and neither have any material wealth or property), articulate and thoughtful (okay, I like to think we both have this ;P). You struggle with your skin, me with my weight. My point is, as you note, we all have insecurities and issues, and (ignoring issues around social privilege as we are both in societal situations which skew that metric) we all face challenges and obstacles in equal parts. That's how we end up here, exchanging overly verbose, psuedo-psychological diatribes. Wouldn't have it any other way :).

Thanks again to you both,

T

Sorry this is going on. Moving in together generates a huge amount of stress and adjustment issues. As does this many intense discussions not to mention, arguments. Stress is a libido killer.

It may sound counter-intuitive, but stop talking about sex and putting it under the microscope this much. It reminds me of people who pressure themselves so much to ace an exam or performance that they blow it from sheer anxiety. A lot has already been talked about. Let things get processed.

Don't beat a dead horse and talk this to death. Biggest mistake people make is that they think talking and more talking and then talking again will magically solve things, when in fact that in itself gets exhausting. Sadly it's a default recommendation. As you have noticed, the Japanese tend to value quiet reflection and view loud people who simply talk too much with caution or as fools.

Relax and let the dust settle as far as moving in and adjusting. Even though you feel discussing and discussing and communicating and communicating about sex/intimacy is a good thing, it is generating the very thing you are trying to fix...loss of libido and intimacy.

Shift gears. Do stuff. Go outside and enjoy nature. Do romantic things. Do new and exciting and interesting things. It's similar to not hyper-focusing and then the solution comes to you. No more discussions on how to spice up your sex life...especially as social chitchat among friends.

Keep in mind she has her issues with anorgasmia and was brought up in what sounds like a repressed or prudish home. These issues are hers to resolve even though it affects you. PS Get a sexy silk robe, pj bottoms to wear around the house. Frank male nudity seems to turn her off.

My girlfriend and I are both 36, and she is Japanese. She is the woman mentioned in my post of just over a year ago, and remains a curious and intriguing (at least to me) blend of traditional, hegemonic Japanese values and free-spirited, open-mindedness lol.

Hegemonic? You mean homogeneous?

You mentioned in your post from last year that she wanted marriage and children. Please do not tarry much longer on whether you want this, and with her. My ex was a little older than your GF when we first started dating, I vowed (to myself) that I will either marry her or breakup with her in a year, because I did not want to waste her time when she had so few precious years of youth and beauty left. Unlikely your GF, she was born in the UK (a more liberal country, I mean) and when I met her, she had no plans or particular desire to have any children, but towards the end of our relationship, she did very much want children with me and started taking supplements to prepare for pregnancy. Granted, I am not sure if she just wanted children as a way to save our relationship, but it was extra heartbreaking for me to potentially rob her of that dream when I did eventually break up with her, 6 months late in terms of the deadline I originally set for myself.

Your GF is from an even more conservative culture, where women are expected to be mothers, and frankly, if Japan is anything like China, she is already a “leftover woman” (I am not sure how bad the phenomenon is in Japan) who will find it difficult to find local men willing to start a family with her. Plus biologically speaking, the older a woman is when she has children, the greater the probability of a host of health complications. (Look up the rate of autism in relation to age of mother) So, if you are not in a hurry to have children, let her go to find a man who is. I know this is not a popular view on this forum, but please try to see things from her culture’s perspective and do not condemn her to a fate that she clearly does not want by dithering on whether you want to marry her and start a family with her. I am terrified that I have ruined Jane's life. Please do not repeat my mistake.

I won't lie, I considered it, particularly after she commented about not being attracted to men sexually, but being turned on by the female form. That said, I personally believe that sexuality is a spectrum, so if she is somewhere closer to the middle than fully hetero-sexual that doesn't bother me. I have gotten to know her family relatively well now, and although they are traditional, I think they would be fine with her being gay. She is also usually brutally honest, and I believe these red-flags more point to her not wanting to fully express her views on sex (i.e. lower libido generally) as she felt it might scare me off (which it may have at an early stage, if I am honest), so she has let it out in drips and drabs. The crux of it being: I can't rule it out, and if she is that far in the closet I doubt she would admit it even if I asked, but I think its low enough odds that I wouldn't end the relationship on the suspicion.

In the context of her culture, it is entirely possible that her family has told her that they expect her to get married and bear children. Her resistance due to her sexuality may explain why a (according to you) beautiful woman was somehow unmarried and childless at 35 years old, in a very traditional country where women are mostly expected to marry and have children in their 20s.

I think it is important to have a honest conversation with her regarding how much she wants marriage and children, and how much of it comes from societal expectations. That may give you clues as to whether she is being honest to you (and herself) with regards to sexual orientation.

And don't diminish yourself like that, because like you, I am somewhat aware of what you struggle with, and you have just as much going for you in life and love. You are more traditional successful and attractive than me on so many scales; wealth and business success (I have two BAs, one of which is in Law, and I am working as an English Teacher, which has almost no chance of career progression and earns realtively low income), coming from a stable, successful family unit (my parents can't be in the same room, and neither have any material wealth or property), articulate and thoughtful (okay, I like to think we both have this ;P). You struggle with your skin, me with my weight. My point is, as you note, we all have insecurities and issues, and (ignoring issues around social privilege as we are both in societal situations which skew that metric) we all face challenges and obstacles in equal parts. That's how we end up here, exchanging overly verbose, psuedo-psychological diatribes. Wouldn't have it any other way :).

I am not wealthy and you are not fat (at least on your picture )... but I appreciate what you are saying. All the best in this relationship, and however it goes, I hope you continue your steady self-improvement and find lasting happiness.

You mentioned that she has told you she is not turned on by a man's body, but that she was turned on by the female porn actors.

Without trying to sound insensitive to the other points noted in your post, I would be genuinely wondering if she actually prefers women and has suppressed this side of her in fear of coming out.

Please do not assume she's lesbian. That's a cop-out. Why would she date and move in with you? Not everyone who is prudish, anorgasmic or has a low libido is gay. The more you overthink this with far-out theories the farther you'll be from a resolution.

Try to employ Occam's razor. The obvious solution is most likely the correct one. You just moved in, you've been arguing and you are going around the house in a manner that is off-putting/unattractive to her. In fact all this intellectualizing is only hampering things.

I considered it, particularly after she commented about not being attracted to men sexually, but being turned on by the female form. That said, I personally believe that sexuality is a spectrum, so if she is somewhere closer to the middle than fully hetero-sexual that doesn't bother me.

I can only speak for myself, I think it's perfectly normal your libido would be down right now after all this.

I'm a woman, and I know I wouldn't be feeling like my normal self in these circumstances.

Particularly if this is a surprise to you upon moving in, all the rigidity?

I can't even imagine being all excited to move in with the person you see a future with, and to have them say the things she has. Not liking the male form. You aren't allowed to have sex during the week. You won't be doing anything new sexually ever, just the in and out. There isn't fun foreplay, and you can't even walk around your own house naked. No sleeping together, but pushing two mattresses together like 80 year olds in the home. What, lady, what?!

Sorry I just think that would kill almost anyone's desire to get sexy. Everyone wants to be desired, to feel accepted and comfortable around that person they choose to love and live with.

The only way to see if it gets better is time. And it's very early yet, freshly moved in. Careful not to accomodate her to the expense of yourself though. This is your chance to really see if there is compatibility for the long haul. And maybe it isn't there. Only you will be able to decide that.

But please don't think there's anything in the world wrong with you for being turned off by this. It's a huge cold shower. Just because you are a man, doesn't mean you'll be ready to rock even after your emotions and expectations have taken a hit. You are someone who does not operate with sex as totally seperate from the rest of you. That's a good thing and a normal thing.

She's told you what she needs. Now it's your turn to tell her what you need. Be honest. And then take it from there.

In fact all this intellectualizing is only hampering things.

There is, I think, a lot of wisdom in this sentence.

What I see in the above, taking the big picture view, is a pretty straightforward combination of (a) stress from moving in and (b) two people who are still works in progress on the intimate front—connecting here, missing each other there, with a not insignificant cultural divide perhaps being a factor, as if you two speak slightly different languages when it comes to these matters. Zoom out just a bit and a + b is all stuff to be excited about, to explore.

But to get into that mindset you've got to go with flow, thinking of this (you, her, cohabitation, cultural differences, the mysterious fluctuations of human libidos, etc.) more like a raft on a river—hitting a rapid for a bit, followed by a still section, the landscape always changing, the final destination not yet known—rather than a raft you're trying to paddle against the current in order to see the one landscape you want, and arrive at a pre-determined destination. Tiring on the arms, all that.

From what you've written—and from a quick scan of earlier threads—it sounds like what you're experiencing right now is an extension of something you've experienced from time to time in this dynamic: one where, as you said, sex and intimacy are occasional issues, not one of those places where you've gelled as organically as you have in others. If that was the case at month 2, month 6, and today, it's likely to be the case a year or four from now, in some form or another. Only you know all the details, but ostensibly engaging with those issues has brought you joy, depth, growth, closeness—wonderful things, in short. Can this moment be seen and experienced as a stepping stone to more of that?

Along with itsallgrand, I'll second that your reaction is completely normal. Lots of ingredients above to kill the buzz for a bit. So it goes, at times. Trust the buzz is in there—the way a pilot light is always under the burners—and lean into this moment as just another phase in which you're both seeing if the equation of you + her can equal harmony. There are ways in which romantic partnership is just an ongoing experiment, and in living together you've entered a new laboratory of sorts. Some hiccups are inevitable. Inhale, exhale, and see what comes while being honest (with yourself) about how you feel as the landscape unfolds.

"I definitely have a problem with idealisation of relationships; I imagine how I want it to be and when things aren't going that way, it can hit me pretty hard. I think its connected to the fact that my relationship with my partner and family are my paramount measure of success; things like work, money, fame, even friendships are not as important to my sense of identity and self-worth."

^This mindset is a guaranteed relationship killer and it will kill all of your relationships every single time until/unless you actually work on yourself, work on getting out of your head and change this mindset. It's toxic to you and your relationships.

You are basically setting up every woman, every relationship to fail, because quite frankly, no human being can ever live up to expectations of perfection and idealism in your head.

If you want to be happy and have a happy relationship, you quite literally need to get out of your head and learn how to live and enjoy the present as it is, in all its imperfect glory. How can you and she possibly relax and enjoy sex when you put such pressure on it and micro analyze it like this? The stress kills libido. It makes sex, let alone pleasure, impossible to achieve.

You are also ironically self centered when it comes to sex. You are very focused on what you want, how you want things, how you imagine it should be, but very judgmental of how the other person wants it and completely ignorant of a happy middle ground.

I really don't know what to tell you, what it would take for you to get out of your head, but until you do, your sex life will continue to suck. It's not her, it's you.

Hi Rose and Mirror,

 

Thank you both for your insights and advice.

 

 

 

I have commented on occasion on some issues I have had with ED in the past, and I will definitely take your advice for my part. On her side, I don't necessarily think there is anything 'wrong', physiologically or otherwise, although if we do have a discussion about it, I will perhaps mention my intention and see if she wants to go down that route as well.

 

 

 

I definitely have a problem with idealisation of relationships; I imagine how I want it to be and when things aren't going that way, it can hit me pretty hard. I think its connected to the fact that my relationship with my partner and family are my paramount measure of success; things like work, money, fame, even friendships are not as important to my sense of identity and self-worth.

 

I want to emphasize that this is a skewed snippet of the overall relationship. I (sometimes unfortunately) have a very good memory, so I can pull these questions out of the filebox of my mind, however I could definitely produce a list a hundred times longer of the good times and how much we fit together (including physically).

 

 

 

Thank you for this. It puts me at ease, particularly as I am genuinely already on that path and have already started to feel lighter and like there is a lot to look forward too in the coming days as we start this life together. I guess one part of it is that it's a kind of cognitive dissonance, in that sex represented the ultimate intimacy to me in my idealised relationship, but confronted with a reality it is not so for my partner. I still feel close to her, I just need to find other ways to embrace and express it.

 

 

 

My girlfriend and I are both 36, and she is Japanese. She is the woman mentioned in my post of just over a year ago, and remains a curious and intriguing (at least to me) blend of traditional, hegemonic Japanese values and free-spirited, open-mindedness lol.

 

 

 

I won't lie, I considered it, particularly after she commented about not being attracted to men sexually, but being turned on by the female form. That said, I personally believe that sexuality is a spectrum, so if she is somewhere closer to the middle than fully hetero-sexual that doesn't bother me. I have gotten to know her family relatively well now, and although they are traditional, I think they would be fine with her being gay. She is also usually brutally honest, and I believe these red-flags more point to her not wanting to fully express her views on sex (i.e. lower libido generally) as she felt it might scare me off (which it may have at an early stage, if I am honest), so she has let it out in drips and drabs. The crux of it being: I can't rule it out, and if she is that far in the closet I doubt she would admit it even if I asked, but I think its low enough odds that I wouldn't end the relationship on the suspicion.

 

 

 

The benefit of historical context is a great thing, and I am absolutely still a work-in-progress. I have come a long way, no doubt, and, this being my first serious, long-term since my rather bumpy ride with my ex ended in 2015, there is still a long way to go. I am genuinely committed to continuing working my stuff, and will do irregardless of anything else because of how much my life has already improved. To be honest, even reflecting on it as I write this, I feel so happy that I am not still where I was a year ago in terms of my mental state. However, as you rightly note, a vast majority (if not all) of this is coming from in my own head.

 

I think the best I can do is follow Rose's advice; move forward, and keep building a life together and see what happens. I suspect, with time, things will change again and we will move and grow together. Besides which, I am not even sure low or no libido is necessarily a bad thing, if both partners are on the same page? As long as I can feel the honest and deep connection with my girlfriend that I sought through sex without it, then no great loss. I guess I will just keep it quiet for now and focus on the other aspects of our relationship, while also continuing the unending journey of self-growth that I have been on.

 

 

 

Ha ha, I definitely take your point here, although these days that stereotype has been somewhat tarnished by the droves of d-bags exploiting it over the years. Besides which, that whole scene was never my style nor intention when I came here, and the challenges culturally, linguistically, and otherwise balance the scales fairly well.

 

And don't diminish yourself like that, because like you, I am somewhat aware of what you struggle with, and you have just as much going for you in life and love. You are more traditional successful and attractive than me on so many scales; wealth and business success (I have two BAs, one of which is in Law, and I am working as an English Teacher, which has almost no chance of career progression and earns realtively low income), coming from a stable, successful family unit (my parents can't be in the same room, and neither have any material wealth or property), articulate and thoughtful (okay, I like to think we both have this ;P). You struggle with your skin, me with my weight. My point is, as you note, we all have insecurities and issues, and (ignoring issues around social privilege as we are both in societal situations which skew that metric) we all face challenges and obstacles in equal parts. That's how we end up here, exchanging overly verbose, psuedo-psychological diatribes. Wouldn't have it any other way :).

 

Thanks again to you both,

 

T

I highlighted the sections that stood out to me and the parts I'll respond to. Idealization is fine within context, I think. In real life there are plenty of curveballs and couples have to learn to roll with it, so to speak. To be a stickler or stuck to an idea is ruinous. There are items we call dealbreakers (non-negotiable concerns) and there are items that are negotiable. It's a good idea to be able to compartmentalize and sort through what's negotiable and what's non-negotiable. Sometimes ideas change over time and items that you may have been flexible about early on become inflexible due to changing circumstances. I think the governing rule should be some tolerance and positivity when it comes to room for growth or in growing together as individuals too.

Your "filebox" of "good memory" will have to curb itself in the long run. Don't abuse your talent. If we really tried, I think most people would be able to recall 90% of the things that pissed them off about their partner in the last year alone. The art is in not doing so and in trying to put things in perspective or weighing what's important over the long term versus what's not important. Like some others, I also think it's not unusual for a couple to experience stress and instability overall with a move. This really is not a good time to be going into too much detail about your sex life or lack of intimacy. Your filebox has to contain good memories also and you'll have to be artful, creative and sometimes downright magical in the way you recall the good times in the face of bad times. There is normally one person between two people who is able to do this a little better. If that strength is in your gf, appreciate it. Everything in perspective.

Your third to last paragraph about honest and deep connection concerns me because your tone sounds like you're acquiescing rather than actively pursuing and existing happily in the idea that there are good times and bad times. Not everyone will view sexual chemistry and connecting physically in the same way and without being able to exist comfortably together, sex in a relationship doesn't come naturally. That's just a given. Sex doesn't happen if one or both people aren't comfortable. I'm not sure why your gf doesn't like you walking around naked in your own home but she's entitled to her own opinion. If you feel restricted and controlled or sad about it, I don't think anyone would blame you for it. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who told me how to dress or not in my own home.

I did have a boyfriend who used to tell me to cover up and wear a cardigan in the summer time. He also made other comments about other physical traits or nailpolish I had at the time. He even commented on the way he didn't like my hair braided because it reminded him of a certain ethnic group. I was very naive and I thought those comments were fine at the time and I complied with his requests. It was only years later when I realized how insecure and controlling he was. You'll have to be the one to judge how to interpret some of her comments and be free to disagree with her if you find that her comments are too derogatory to live with.

Stay positive and true to yourself. If you continue to feel down, there's probably a reason and don't be afraid to acknowledge that you both might not be good as a couple even though you are good people individually.

"Despite this, when we have sex, it is generally very good."

After everything she has said and that you wrote... I have a hard time believing this statement. What do you mean by very good? She is not orgasming (because she said she doesn't), and you are not getting the foreplay that you desire (because all she wants to do is get to business). Does she think it's very good? Do you? What about the sex does each of you like?

Hey everyone,

Thank you all for you responses, really insightful and reassuring.

It may sound counter-intuitive, but stop talking about sex and putting it under the microscope this much. It reminds me of people who pressure themselves so much to ace an exam or performance that they blow it from sheer anxiety. A lot has already been talked about. Let things get processed ...

 

PS Get a sexy silk robe, pj bottoms to wear around the house. Frank male nudity seems to turn her off.

I think you (and Blue) are absolutely right; I have gone done the all-too-familiar path of overthinking and built this up into a much larger issue than it really is. I had the last two days off (she was at work) and I have spent time both recharging myself, and doing things for us both around the house. I cooked for us (actually the first time in our relationship) and we hung out, talking, watching some TV and chatting. It has been really good putting it out of my head and just going with the flow a bit more. I definitely feel more confident that things are falling into place, wherever that place may be.

Also, definitely will be looking into a nice robe

Hegemonic? You mean homogeneous?

Well, I meant hegemonic values in the sense of ideological norms in Japan which come down from the traditional power structure and ruling class; social gender roles, household management, Japanese 'best practice' vs western 'best practice', and so forth. Personally, I actually have many similar views, in the sense that I think Japanese cultural values have a lot right and its worth blending them in with western values to get the perfect mix. She and I don't always see eye-to-eye on these blends, but 90% of the time we are on the same page.

You mentioned in your post from last year that she wanted marriage and children. Please do not tarry much longer on whether you want this, and with her.

Fortunately, I have already decided that I do want this with her, hence moving in together. We have already discussed and agreed to timelines and where we want to take this relationship, and marriage is on the cards within a relatively short-term timeframe. With regard to children, it's a little more complex, as although I am onboard with having children as early as directly after our marriage, I have also expressed to her that we have to be in a good place emotionally, financially, and in all other ways before I am comfortable bringing life into the world. I truly hope we are there, but as I know how important it is to her, I wanted to make it clear that its not a given that we will have children if we are not in the right place in our relationship. I am confident she has heard me on this and agrees, as she has said she agrees and has shown me she wants to continue with us through her actions.

"Despite this, when we have sex, it is generally very good." Does she think it's very good? Do you? What about the sex does each of you like?

Well, I don't really want to get into lurid details, but from my perspective, there is a lot of passion, kissing, changing position, moaning, etc. She is demonstrative during sex, which I like, and the physicality of the act is very good (we 'fit together', to put it euphamistically). She comments that it was good, and though she is anorgasmic, she still gets demonstrates pleasure from sexual stimulation and foreplay (unless she is an EXTREMELY good actress). It general lasts for a good amount of time, and at least on my side I am VERY attracted to her physically.

I guess it is dissonant to say it is very good, yet have such issues around sex. As others have said, it's in my head and it's more to do with my anxiety and idealisation than the act itself. The more I realise that and work to put that aside and just enjoy the relationship as it is, the better things will get.

Anyway, again, thank you everyone for your imput.

T