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Thread: Advice Needed: Sudden Loss of Libido

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    "I definitely have a problem with idealisation of relationships; I imagine how I want it to be and when things aren't going that way, it can hit me pretty hard. I think its connected to the fact that my relationship with my partner and family are my paramount measure of success; things like work, money, fame, even friendships are not as important to my sense of identity and self-worth."

    ^This mindset is a guaranteed relationship killer and it will kill all of your relationships every single time until/unless you actually work on yourself, work on getting out of your head and change this mindset. It's toxic to you and your relationships.

    You are basically setting up every woman, every relationship to fail, because quite frankly, no human being can ever live up to expectations of perfection and idealism in your head.

    If you want to be happy and have a happy relationship, you quite literally need to get out of your head and learn how to live and enjoy the present as it is, in all its imperfect glory. How can you and she possibly relax and enjoy sex when you put such pressure on it and micro analyze it like this? The stress kills libido. It makes sex, let alone pleasure, impossible to achieve.

    You are also ironically self centered when it comes to sex. You are very focused on what you want, how you want things, how you imagine it should be, but very judgmental of how the other person wants it and completely ignorant of a happy middle ground.

    I really don't know what to tell you, what it would take for you to get out of your head, but until you do, your sex life will continue to suck. It's not her, it's you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    British Columbia, Canada
    Originally Posted by WaywardKiwi
    Hi Rose and Mirror,

    Thank you both for your insights and advice.

    I have commented on occasion on some issues I have had with ED in the past, and I will definitely take your advice for my part. On her side, I don't necessarily think there is anything 'wrong', physiologically or otherwise, although if we do have a discussion about it, I will perhaps mention my intention and see if she wants to go down that route as well.

    I definitely have a problem with idealisation of relationships; I imagine how I want it to be and when things aren't going that way, it can hit me pretty hard. I think its connected to the fact that my relationship with my partner and family are my paramount measure of success; things like work, money, fame, even friendships are not as important to my sense of identity and self-worth.

    I want to emphasize that this is a skewed snippet of the overall relationship. I (sometimes unfortunately) have a very good memory, so I can pull these questions out of the filebox of my mind, however I could definitely produce a list a hundred times longer of the good times and how much we fit together (including physically).

    Thank you for this. It puts me at ease, particularly as I am genuinely already on that path and have already started to feel lighter and like there is a lot to look forward too in the coming days as we start this life together. I guess one part of it is that it's a kind of cognitive dissonance, in that sex represented the ultimate intimacy to me in my idealised relationship, but confronted with a reality it is not so for my partner. I still feel close to her, I just need to find other ways to embrace and express it.

    My girlfriend and I are both 36, and she is Japanese. She is the woman mentioned in my post of just over a year ago, and remains a curious and intriguing (at least to me) blend of traditional, hegemonic Japanese values and free-spirited, open-mindedness lol.

    I won't lie, I considered it, particularly after she commented about not being attracted to men sexually, but being turned on by the female form. That said, I personally believe that sexuality is a spectrum, so if she is somewhere closer to the middle than fully hetero-sexual that doesn't bother me. I have gotten to know her family relatively well now, and although they are traditional, I think they would be fine with her being gay. She is also usually brutally honest, and I believe these red-flags more point to her not wanting to fully express her views on sex (i.e. lower libido generally) as she felt it might scare me off (which it may have at an early stage, if I am honest), so she has let it out in drips and drabs. The crux of it being: I can't rule it out, and if she is that far in the closet I doubt she would admit it even if I asked, but I think its low enough odds that I wouldn't end the relationship on the suspicion.

    The benefit of historical context is a great thing, and I am absolutely still a work-in-progress. I have come a long way, no doubt, and, this being my first serious, long-term since my rather bumpy ride with my ex ended in 2015, there is still a long way to go. I am genuinely committed to continuing working my stuff, and will do irregardless of anything else because of how much my life has already improved. To be honest, even reflecting on it as I write this, I feel so happy that I am not still where I was a year ago in terms of my mental state. However, as you rightly note, a vast majority (if not all) of this is coming from in my own head.

    I think the best I can do is follow Rose's advice; move forward, and keep building a life together and see what happens. I suspect, with time, things will change again and we will move and grow together. Besides which, I am not even sure low or no libido is necessarily a bad thing, if both partners are on the same page? As long as I can feel the honest and deep connection with my girlfriend that I sought through sex without it, then no great loss. I guess I will just keep it quiet for now and focus on the other aspects of our relationship, while also continuing the unending journey of self-growth that I have been on.

    Ha ha, I definitely take your point here, although these days that stereotype has been somewhat tarnished by the droves of d-bags exploiting it over the years. Besides which, that whole scene was never my style nor intention when I came here, and the challenges culturally, linguistically, and otherwise balance the scales fairly well.

    And don't diminish yourself like that, because like you, I am somewhat aware of what you struggle with, and you have just as much going for you in life and love. You are more traditional successful and attractive than me on so many scales; wealth and business success (I have two BAs, one of which is in Law, and I am working as an English Teacher, which has almost no chance of career progression and earns realtively low income), coming from a stable, successful family unit (my parents can't be in the same room, and neither have any material wealth or property), articulate and thoughtful (okay, I like to think we both have this ;P). You struggle with your skin, me with my weight. My point is, as you note, we all have insecurities and issues, and (ignoring issues around social privilege as we are both in societal situations which skew that metric) we all face challenges and obstacles in equal parts. That's how we end up here, exchanging overly verbose, psuedo-psychological diatribes. Wouldn't have it any other way :).

    Thanks again to you both,

    I highlighted the sections that stood out to me and the parts I'll respond to. Idealization is fine within context, I think. In real life there are plenty of curveballs and couples have to learn to roll with it, so to speak. To be a stickler or stuck to an idea is ruinous. There are items we call dealbreakers (non-negotiable concerns) and there are items that are negotiable. It's a good idea to be able to compartmentalize and sort through what's negotiable and what's non-negotiable. Sometimes ideas change over time and items that you may have been flexible about early on become inflexible due to changing circumstances. I think the governing rule should be some tolerance and positivity when it comes to room for growth or in growing together as individuals too.

    Your "filebox" of "good memory" will have to curb itself in the long run. Don't abuse your talent. If we really tried, I think most people would be able to recall 90% of the things that pissed them off about their partner in the last year alone. The art is in not doing so and in trying to put things in perspective or weighing what's important over the long term versus what's not important. Like some others, I also think it's not unusual for a couple to experience stress and instability overall with a move. This really is not a good time to be going into too much detail about your sex life or lack of intimacy. Your filebox has to contain good memories also and you'll have to be artful, creative and sometimes downright magical in the way you recall the good times in the face of bad times. There is normally one person between two people who is able to do this a little better. If that strength is in your gf, appreciate it. Everything in perspective.

    Your third to last paragraph about honest and deep connection concerns me because your tone sounds like you're acquiescing rather than actively pursuing and existing happily in the idea that there are good times and bad times. Not everyone will view sexual chemistry and connecting physically in the same way and without being able to exist comfortably together, sex in a relationship doesn't come naturally. That's just a given. Sex doesn't happen if one or both people aren't comfortable. I'm not sure why your gf doesn't like you walking around naked in your own home but she's entitled to her own opinion. If you feel restricted and controlled or sad about it, I don't think anyone would blame you for it. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who told me how to dress or not in my own home.

    I did have a boyfriend who used to tell me to cover up and wear a cardigan in the summer time. He also made other comments about other physical traits or nailpolish I had at the time. He even commented on the way he didn't like my hair braided because it reminded him of a certain ethnic group. I was very naive and I thought those comments were fine at the time and I complied with his requests. It was only years later when I realized how insecure and controlling he was. You'll have to be the one to judge how to interpret some of her comments and be free to disagree with her if you find that her comments are too derogatory to live with.

    Stay positive and true to yourself. If you continue to feel down, there's probably a reason and don't be afraid to acknowledge that you both might not be good as a couple even though you are good people individually.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    "Despite this, when we have sex, it is generally very good."

    After everything she has said and that you wrote... I have a hard time believing this statement. What do you mean by very good? She is not orgasming (because she said she doesn't), and you are not getting the foreplay that you desire (because all she wants to do is get to business). Does she think it's very good? Do you? What about the sex does each of you like?

  4. #14
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Hey everyone,

    Thank you all for you responses, really insightful and reassuring.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It may sound counter-intuitive, but stop talking about sex and putting it under the microscope this much. It reminds me of people who pressure themselves so much to ace an exam or performance that they blow it from sheer anxiety. A lot has already been talked about. Let things get processed ...

    PS Get a sexy silk robe, pj bottoms to wear around the house. Frank male nudity seems to turn her off.
    I think you (and Blue) are absolutely right; I have gone done the all-too-familiar path of overthinking and built this up into a much larger issue than it really is. I had the last two days off (she was at work) and I have spent time both recharging myself, and doing things for us both around the house. I cooked for us (actually the first time in our relationship) and we hung out, talking, watching some TV and chatting. It has been really good putting it out of my head and just going with the flow a bit more. I definitely feel more confident that things are falling into place, wherever that place may be.

    Also, definitely will be looking into a nice robe :P

    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Hegemonic? You mean homogeneous?
    Well, I meant hegemonic values in the sense of ideological norms in Japan which come down from the traditional power structure and ruling class; social gender roles, household management, Japanese 'best practice' vs western 'best practice', and so forth. Personally, I actually have many similar views, in the sense that I think Japanese cultural values have a lot right and its worth blending them in with western values to get the perfect mix. She and I don't always see eye-to-eye on these blends, but 90% of the time we are on the same page.

    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    You mentioned in your post from last year that she wanted marriage and children. Please do not tarry much longer on whether you want this, and with her.
    Fortunately, I have already decided that I do want this with her, hence moving in together. We have already discussed and agreed to timelines and where we want to take this relationship, and marriage is on the cards within a relatively short-term timeframe. With regard to children, it's a little more complex, as although I am onboard with having children as early as directly after our marriage, I have also expressed to her that we have to be in a good place emotionally, financially, and in all other ways before I am comfortable bringing life into the world. I truly hope we are there, but as I know how important it is to her, I wanted to make it clear that its not a given that we will have children if we are not in the right place in our relationship. I am confident she has heard me on this and agrees, as she has said she agrees and has shown me she wants to continue with us through her actions.

    Originally Posted by saluk
    "Despite this, when we have sex, it is generally very good." Does she think it's very good? Do you? What about the sex does each of you like?
    Well, I don't really want to get into lurid details, but from my perspective, there is a lot of passion, kissing, changing position, moaning, etc. She is demonstrative during sex, which I like, and the physicality of the act is very good (we 'fit together', to put it euphamistically). She comments that it was good, and though she is anorgasmic, she still gets demonstrates pleasure from sexual stimulation and foreplay (unless she is an EXTREMELY good actress). It general lasts for a good amount of time, and at least on my side I am VERY attracted to her physically.

    I guess it is dissonant to say it is very good, yet have such issues around sex. As others have said, it's in my head and it's more to do with my anxiety and idealisation than the act itself. The more I realise that and work to put that aside and just enjoy the relationship as it is, the better things will get.

    Anyway, again, thank you everyone for your imput.



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