Becoming a step mom

[Zoevalencia]

I’ve recently started dating the same guy I dated when we were 13. We are 20 now and I have a child. His ex and him are expecting a baby in February. When we started to talk again we felt a really strong connection between us like nothing changed over the 7 years apart from each other. Every time I try to figure out what’s in the best interest for his baby he completely blows it off and gets upset when I worry about it. He tells me it isn’t my problem to deal with because his baby’s mom already doesn’t let him be apart of it what so ever for her own spiteful reasons. He hasn’t told her about us because he doesn’t want her to get mad and completely cut him off from seeing his baby. I truly care about him and his unborn baby and I want us to be able to deal with it if we are going to live together. Should I step off and let him figure it out between the mom and him? Is there a way he will let me be apart of his decision so it’s better for him and his son? What do I do?

[Cherylyn]

Let him and the mom of figure it out. Don't try to be a part of his and the mom's decision and his son's life. Stay out of it and let the parents decide how to go about this.

Concentrate and focus on raising your child. Co-parent. Your priorities are raising your child properly.

[bluecastle]

This sounds awfully complicated.

I understand you've got some feelings and history, but you are just in the earliest stages of dating—not priming yourself to be a stepmom. All that is his business, to handle how he needs to, and at the moment it doesn't sound like it's quite being handled at all.

Step back for a moment and note where he is right now: kid on the way with a woman who won't talk to him, while dating a woman he's not telling his ex about. Messy, any way you cut it. You're that second woman, of course, but what if you were a friend instead of being you? Would you tell her that getting involved, now, is a good idea?

You, also, are a mother, of course. Do you think that invoking yourself with all this is the best move for your child? That, ultimately, should be your main concern right now: giving your child a stable world to grow up in. While I'm hardly traditional in what I think a family can look like, I do think stability is solid constant. He does not sound like he's in a particularly stable place in life—and the waves are about to get a lot bigger once his child is born.

So, yeah, I'd step back right now. If there is a way for all this to work it's unlikely to begin with him being shady with the mother of his child and you—a woman she doesn't even know about—angling for a role in that child's life. Let them find some workable and respectful system there, while you continue to be an awesome mom. Not the most romantic choice, I know, but there is romance in pragmatism, especially when kids are involved. I'd say this is one of those moments and that you'll thank yourself for taking the mature road later on.

[Billie28]

You are not becoming a step mom.
You simply are dating a guy who impregnated another girl only 6 months ago.
And it sounds like they are still bitter with each other. How long ago did they split?
He is not 13 anymore. And neither are you. I hope you have not introduced him to your child???

End this now. His interest is in the mother of his child clearly. You are just making the wait a little bit sweeter.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been talking? You need to focus on your own child. It's not your place to figure out what's best for their child. That is for him and his gf to figure out. Talking to someone who is involved with another woman and expecting a baby with her does not make you a step-mom, it make you the other woman. Stop talking to him and leave them alone..

His ex and him are expecting a baby in February. Every time I try to figure out what’s in the best interest for his baby he completely blows it off and gets upset when I worry about it. He hasn’t told her about us

[Andrina]

Whenever you're kept secret in a relationship, you shouldn't be in that relationship.

They liked each other another well enough to be intimate as early as last June, so what has happened that they took the drastic step of ending things when they've created a child together? What is his explanation? If his ex is feeling this bitter about him, was it because he was cheating?

A mature man would be throwing out all the stops to make things work with the mother of his unborn child, unless a dealbreaker existed like cheating on her part or other egregious things like abuse or drug use.

Even if his relationship was broken beyond repair, a mature man would be concentrating on preparing for his child's birth and not complicate his already stressful life by entering into another relationship.

You also lack maturity and the life experience to know that planning on moving in with someone you've really only been involved with for 2 months is far too premature. Don't let the fact you knew him as young teens cloud the fact you don't really know him that well as new adults. You need to give a person a good year or more to see how he handles major issues and if he makes you a priority.

Clearly you already don't see him as a mature adult being able to have his child best interests at heart because you're counseling him on that matter and he's resisting like you're his pestering mother.

Take it from older people with more life experience--you need to walk away from this mess ASAP. And don't date until you can identify huge red flags for yourself, because if you couldn't spot this giant one, it's best you concentrate on your child, family, friends, continuing education, a great career, until your brain matures a bit (usually doesn't happen until age 25, in the decision making portion). If you're the type who always has to be in a romance, reflect on how that hasn't worked out for you yet, so take a breather and concentrate on other areas of your life at the moment. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

This is one for the Hall Of Fame: [Register to see the link]

Whenever you're kept secret in a relationship, you shouldn't be in that relationship.

[maew]

Should I step off and let him figure it out between the mom and him? Is there a way he will let me be apart of his decision so it’s better for him and his son? What do I do?

It's sort of arrogant to think you know what's best for someone else's child. You might have opinions on parenting etc. that he doesn't agree with, and vice versa.

Yes you should step off and let him figure it out with the mom.

And know what you are getting yourself into... a relationship with a man that is so focused on himself and getting what he wants that he would jump into another relationship while the first ex is still pregnant with his baby.

[abitbroken]

Your child's best interest - and not his - should be your main concern.
So- -- its an attractive quality for a man to deny his child, to never see his child, to abandon the child's mother so close to her due date? I bet they are together and he is painting her as the "awful ex" so you will let him sleep with you. Even if its a situation where she was a one night stand - his attention should be focused on the coming baby, and developing a good relationship with her whether because they are actually together or a non romantic, but good one to be able to be involved in the child's life.

This is an unstable situation for YOUR child.

Where is YOUR child's father? quit chasing after men and create some stabilty for your kid.

[Jibralta]

He tells me it isn’t my problem to deal with because his baby’s mom already doesn’t let him be apart of it what so ever for her own spiteful reasons. He hasn’t told her about us because he doesn’t want her to get mad and completely cut him off from seeing his baby.

Sounds like a big bag of BS that gets worse with each sentence.

I want us to be able to deal with it if we are going to live together.

As you should. However, it doesn't look like you are going to have any opportunity to "deal with it." Therefore, you should abandon your plan to live together.

Should I step off and let him figure it out between the mom and him? Is there a way he will let me be apart of his decision so it’s better for him and his son? What do I do?

Yes.

Is there a way he will let me be apart of his decision so it’s better for him and his son?

No. You are not superior to him or his ex. You cannot dictate what is best for them or their child.

What do I do?

Run.... unless you enjoy messy, painful situations.