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Thread: Narcissistic mother trying to impose curfew at 21?

  1. #1
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    Narcissistic mother trying to impose curfew at 21?

    I'm 21. My parents are both emotionally abusive, especially my mother. The marriage is also broken and toxic. I was away for two years at college then came back home during my junior year for nursing school (it was ten minutes from the house). I'm not in nursing school anymore as I now commute to about forty-five minutes to school. My mom is always controlling about what I wear, where I am, etc. I usually stand up for myself, which has resulted in big arguments. I do go out and make sure to inform both my mom and dad. I'm currently a full-time college student and have a part-time job. I do not have a set curfew, but I usually try to make it home before 12 or 12:30.

    So last night, I got home at 12 and I told my mom where I was going as she asked me three times. I was only sixteen minutes away. It was raining at the time. She called me at ten and eleven. I didn't answer both. She then to come home because I was not at my school library and went to another one. So I got home and explained to her the place has security. Fast forward to this morning, I didn't know my right tire was flat. Instead to help, she was yelling and was like "You think you are smarter than me? See why I said to come home early" luckily, my phone died and I just got ready for school. My dad took my car and changed the tire. So he comes back right. I told him I'm not about to controlled and none of my friends have curfews (most live with their parents as well).

    So a few hours ago, my mom calls and starts screaming at me. Saying that I can't stay out late until I have a spare tire, that I'm not wise (mind u, I don't do anything bad. I don't drink or smoke. Usually help out around the house. Study and work. Go out and usually inform them), how I think I know too much, how I am rebelling. And while I was defending myself, she hung up on me then called back. I temporarily blocked her number as I was not about to get all those insults. She even said to come home early for the sake of how her dad is treating her - she is also verbally and physically abusive to my dad but doesn't want to admit to herself. I also told her I am not a scapegoat. Because to make things worse, my dad lied to my home that I came with him to the tire shop whilst I was getting ready at home the whole time.

    I'm honestly just tired. I'm in school right now, which is forty-eight minutes from home and I don't plan to come until eleven. I plan to move out near campus next semester.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    As long as you live at home, you have to play by her rules whether you like it or not. You can't change her and your parents' marriage is their business.

    In the meantime try to remain peaceful and patient the best you can and look forward to moving out near campus next semester.

    If it's currently intolerable for you, try finding roommates and move out now.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    When I got out of the Army, I lived at home for a solid three weeks. "School full time, work part time, complete the chore list, in charge of providing and paying for your own transportation" was the deal. Maybe would have been fine on its own. A few of letters addressed to me but opened not by me later, along with some general micromanaging issues not dissimilar to those you're facing, I said to myself, "**** it, I'm moving out." Didn't complain to her once. It was her house and I wasn't a kid anymore. Simply thanked her and told her I didn't think it was going to work. Meant putting off school, but it was worth the trade.

    Having parents who are able to support you even with just a rent-free home during school is a privilege on its own. If you survive the experience with your sanity, that's just an entire other layer of fortune. The financial burden of freedom vs. having the cushion to pursue your goals at the expense of said freedom is a value assessment you're gonna have to make plenty more times than just this one, so may as well cut to it. I don't judge people who decide either way. I do judge people who feel as though they shouldn't have to.

    What happened to nursing school, by the way? Are your parents at least in part subsidizing your education? If something went awry with that (though I'm not assuming it did), it could further speak to some level of bitterness or her perception of some level of incompetence where she feels so compelled to hold your hand.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I slept in my car.

    I couch surfed.

    I worked 2 jobs, while going to school.

    I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner so I could afford to rent my own tiny apartment.

    I would have sold my first born child if it meant I didnít have to live with my mother after 18, I get it.

    But the thing is... youíre a grown adult now.

    You are free.

    You are absolutely right at 21 you do not need a curfew.

    But unfortunately while you are under their roof youíre under their rules, come on girl you got a flat and your dad went out to fix your tire, you are way more blessed than many. Iím not saying that to belittle your frustrations, again, I get it, but again you are an adult, not a moody 14 year old, you donít have to live there, you choose to.

    You have some decisions to make.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Let your parents deal with their marriage and don't get involved. Just do as she says and avoid the blow ups. If she wants you back early it may be because you're keeping her up late at night or you're disruptive or not as quiet as you think when you come home late. Is she a light sleeper? At that age you might think everyone who doesn't agree with you is against you. She is probably worried about you or you're interrupting her sleep. Whether or not there's curfew, other people have lives too and may need to go to bed by a certain time. You know them best being their daughter.

    I had a siblings and our house growing up was always busy and like a bus stop. We never had curfews but one or two of us did leave the key in the door a few times or forget to lock up. Looking back my parents were saints. I have no idea how they tolerated us.

    Take it easy and one day at a time. Be mindful of everyone and just do what you have to do with school and move out eventually.

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    So move out with some friends. Or follow the curfew rules. you may think mom is a monster and only that, but she is concerned about you, also. I she tried to reach you at 10 and 11 and you did not answer, she probably thinks the worst and the fact that you had a flat tire set her off -- she was villified that something WAS wrong.

    So make your curfew. Don't block her number and work on moving out

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm a mother and a worry wart as most mothers are. I'm always concerned about my sons' safety. You won't understand until you become a mother someday.

    In the meantime, keep the peace, try to be compatible with your mother (or parents) and know this phase is only temporary.

    You have plans to move out so focus on what you need to do. Remain patient until you can afford to move out.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok. Go to the admissions office on campus and check the schools web resources. Look into student loans, work-study programs, part-time jobs, student housing on/off campus, etc. If your folks are toxic, pretend they do not exist and that you have to put yourself through college and find living arrangements. Start now. You have regressed back into childhood by moving back in with mom and dad. Move out. In the meantime, chill and skip the teen rebellion.
    Originally Posted by oheyitsfaith
    I'm not in nursing school anymore as I now commute to about forty-five minutes to school.I'm in school right now, which is forty-eight minutes from home and I don't plan to come until eleven. I plan to move out near campus next semester.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ya sure your mom is nuts BUT, you do get the benefit of home cooked meal/ a roof over your head, and an understanding father. Remember he is married to her, he has it way worse than you....just wait till you move out, he's gonna lose it.
    Just suck it up for now until you find a place. I was thinking maybe you could live with a friend, and pay their parents a small rooming fee, with some added chores to cover expenses.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Being an adult in this case means doing whatever you need to do to keep the peace in the house until you can move out and putting in serious effort into making the move happen asap. Recognize that your mother isn't about to become a rational human being and figure out how to work around that. You can't fix her, you can figure out how to respond to her in a manner that causes least friction.

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