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Thread: Narcissistic mother trying to impose curfew at 21?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You have two choices, put up with your mother and her BS or move out. Personally I moved out at 18 because I couldn't handle my mother's control freak ways. I do understand how you feel because of what I dealt with.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by oheyitsfaith
    Usually help out around the house
    My friend's dad was famous. They moved to Hawaii to retire, including my friend who's a grown-arse man and lived in their home. Then after a few years, they all moved to Cali where he still lives with them, and he's 41 years old. My friend thought his dad was the biggest narcissistic a-hole. We believed him, then actually met his parents and stayed with them. The dad was this kind, gentle dude who was so sweet to my friend. And he never asked him to pay rent or bills.

    It's really just my friend just had his own issues with his dad that he'd never could see past; and always just saw the dad with contempt.

    You need to stop and realize, hey, I live rent free, and my mom is worried AF about me. Sure, she's probably up your butt, but she cares about you - that's not narcissism - that's "you came out of my body, and I don't want you to die" mentality.

    And "I can't stay out late until I have a spare tire" isn't giving you a curfew - that's telling you to not stay out late till you get a tire. And don't usually help around the house - help around the house consistently without her having to ask you for the umpteenth time. Hate to say it, but you sound spoiled.

  3. #13
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    As long as you are living under their roof, presumably rent-free, you will have to abide by their rules.

    Ignoring texts that are spread out over an hour is not cool, and you might have thwarted or lessened the tirade if you just responded and let her know what's going on. You show up at home with flat tire. You were not the picture of responsibility here. Do you know what damage you can do to your car driving around on a flat and how dangerous it is? How did you not notice?

    Your father went and changed your tire for you, and I'm guessing paid for it too. Adulthood means you monitor your car and maintenance. Be grateful he did that for you. You should have accompanied him and paid, or at least bought him a cup of coffee or lunch as a thanks. Learn how to change your own tire or look into roadside assistance. Who pays for your car insurance, by the way? Your parents?

    You exchange one thing for another. You are an adult and you can move out. You may have to live on peanut butter and jelly, and you can't have the expensive phone plan or eat out every day, instead bringing lunches from home, but you have freedom and you don't have a screaming mother harping on you and controlling you. I moved out at 18 with nothing because my mother was such a nightmare. No TV, no phone, no dishes, no shower curtain. With a furnished apartment, I slowly built up on the rest, and with a microwave and a few plastic cups, Spaghettios, ramen, refried beans, and PB&J kept me fed, and even then, I was so poor I had to seriously ration what I had. It's not easy, but it's calm without a screaming, controlling mother.

    You can seek housing and roommates closer to school. You do not have to stay in this household, but if you do, you will need to abide by their rules and adhere to certain criteria, and deal with your overbearing mother. Despite how responsible you seem to present yourself, you also seem like you're behaving like a teenager, expecting your folks to do the hard work while you go about your business with school and your job. You got to stay home and get ready while your dad dealt with your car. How nice is that? You didn't have to call out to work or miss school so you could finagle a ride and get the new tire and deal with putting it on, etc. He got home with your car intact and you went about your merry way. You have to weigh the pros and cons. Do you want your folks to foot the bill for food and housing and car maintenance, or do you want the complete break and freedom where you take on these expenses on your own? It's a trade, and mental health needs to be considered. If they're covering the cost of your car, they get to harp on you about how you're caring for it. You do have choices here.

  4. #14
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    Thank you guys for the responses and insights. I bought a spare tire yesterday and also ordered a scissor jack. Also, I always appreciate what my parents do for me as I tell them this daily. Itís just the overbearingness Iím trying to deal with. Itís affecting all of us as my little sister (14) told my mom she keeps bullying on her. Like yesterday, I was writing at 3 AM and my mom came in (left my door a bit open) and asked what I was writing (it was just tips form my new job) and she literally grabbed it and thought it was a love letter or something. I donít have a lock in my room as itís been broken for twelve years. I plan to buy one today.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Faith... why do you keep telling us how horrible your mother is?

    The point pretty much everyone is making is youíre an adult and you donít have to live there.

    She could be the devil incarnate who eats babies, cheats on her taxes and puts anchovies on her pizza.

    It doesnít matter, you do not have to live there, you choose to so... suck it up buttercup....

    If she was always this overbearing it could be you arenít fully prepared to face the world, so in that frame they did you a huge disservice, but you arenít going to magically learn still being there.

    Leave.

  7. #16
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    I canít just get up and leave right now. Iím leaving January.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm sorry but you are sounding very ungrateful and purposefully being a pain in the arse to your parents.

    If you're so independent and not going to be "controlled" why did you act like a princess and allow your father to take care of your tire?
    My dad took my car and changed the tire.
    Do things for yourself if you don't want any rules, that's what responsible, able grown ups do.

    In the meantime, as you contemplate all the GOOD things you get while living at home, try to keep the peace and not rock the boat. You know your mother worries about you so don't do things that you clearly know are going to send her in a tirade against you, Simple! Apparently you're leaving the home in January so surely you can be a little less UNyielding until then.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by oheyitsfaith
    I canít just get up and leave right now. Iím leaving January.
    The next time something happens, keep reminding yourself you're only putting up with it till January.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by oheyitsfaith
    Thank you guys for the responses and insights. I bought a spare tire yesterday and also ordered a scissor jack. Also, I always appreciate what my parents do for me as I tell them this daily. Itís just the overbearingness Iím trying to deal with. Itís affecting all of us as my little sister (14) told my mom she keeps bullying on her. Like yesterday, I was writing at 3 AM and my mom came in (left my door a bit open) and asked what I was writing (it was just tips form my new job) and she literally grabbed it and thought it was a love letter or something. I donít have a lock in my room as itís been broken for twelve years. I plan to buy one today.
    It doesn't sound like she trusts you and this sounds like bad parenting, period. I cannot imagine my parents having snatched anything out of my hands and have no recollection of them ever interrupting what I've been doing if I'm in the process of doing something. This is ridiculous. Whatever is happening with her or her between you and her, you are better off respecting the rules of the house and staying well away from her bad side. Like I said, just do as she says and if you have any notes or personal items you need to take care of do it outside of home and keep your documents safely in a place where you can keep them. Just don't have it out to produce more questions if it's your personal issues you're taking care of that do not endanger the family or the household.

    I don't advise getting a lock for your room. This is her house and putting a lock on a part of the property is aggravating the situation. The property is not your property to do with as you please. Not even tenants of a leased (rental) apartment should be altering the property with new fixtures like locks etc. You really need to smarten up, girl. This is not the right way to earn anyone's trust. Remain transparent and obliging and stop asking for more trouble. You're creating more problems for yourself. Do not put any locks on!

  11. #20
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    Why are you awake with the light on at 3 am? Mom sees the light or can't sleep because she hears you up. go to bed.

    I would just abide by the rules so that when you move out, you aren't presenting it as a rift/you are moving out because you hate them but because that's the natural progression of your life.

    Just bide your time and save your money and move.

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