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Thread: I snapped at my fiance and he has vowed to change his personality dramatically

  1. #1
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    I snapped at my fiance and he has vowed to change his personality dramatically

    I have been going through a motivational slump off-late, and it hit me a few days ago when I saw how I had wasted the weekend. I text my Mom to share this with her, and my Dad chimes in and gives me a long sermon about what would help my mental woes. While it was all good, healthy stuff he was telling me, I was really not in the head space to listen to any of it and I was kind of worn out by the call.

    I video call my fiance and joke about how Dads are always the ones to give us the "Dad talk" when we go to them with problems. His Dad is kind of similar, and we share a couple of jokes. My fiance has always been a very humorous, laid-back, loving personality. Although we live around 1000 miles apart, we talk so much throughout the day and he always greets me so lovingly that the distance isn't as palpable.

    Now during this phone call, he asks me what my Dad said. I start to tell him about how my Dad suggests waking up early in the morning. He starts to make a joke alluding to how I am a late-riser, which I am. He makes a couple more jokes which I do not even remember, but by now I start to get a little miffed and I tell him "It's late, go to sleep if you are feeling sleepy." I know that's a very passive aggressive way of saying I did not want to talk.

    A little while later, my phone starts acting up and I explain to him what's going on how this is a recurring phenomenon. My history with poor-quality phones is kind of a running joke with him and my family, so he starts laughing and joking about this one. By now, I am really annoyed and I repeat the same line as before, and I am sure my face looks pissed, too. After that, I have basically checked out of the conversation, telling him to go to sleep.

    He senses this, then abruptly says good night and cuts the call and I go to bed.The whole of the next day, I decide to not text him as I am still a little angry from our previous conversation. Finally, the day after, thinking this is a silly conflict to be mad about, I message him. He says he had wanted to give me space and just let me be the previous day. I ask him if he is mad. He says he isn't, just realized he needs to be more serious about a lot of things.

    I notice a tonal shift later in the day when we talk. Not wanting to push this under the carpet, I open up the conversation again, admitting that while I was definitely annoyed and some of my rage may have been spawned from a bad mood, I would never want to hurt him this way. He says it's nothing to do with me and he's just reflecting on how he needs to be more serious in life in general. I do not know if this is a permanent change or a phase. I do not want to tell him how to behave, but I miss his old self. Any advice?

    Edit: A couple of details I forgot to mention: I apologized to him during the last conversation. I told him I fully remembered how I reacted, and I am sorry I caused this hurt and this reflection. I also told him I am not going to dictate his behavior, but humor is part of who he is, and that I do not want to be the person who caused it to wane. I repeatedly said sorry and that I should not have behaved that way.
    Also, in the past, I always tell him that I am either not in the mood for a joke, or that he is taking it too far. I prefer to be tactful in communication. This time, I was having a low moment and was not in the most rational frame of mind. While I was at fault, it's not a behavioral pattern.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    No one should have to pigeonhole their personality to fit someone. If he has to change his personality to suit you you guys are not suited for each other.

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    I didn't ask him to change his personality at all. He has made this choice apparently, after some self-reflection.

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    Originally Posted by putter
    I didn't ask him to change his personality at all. He has made this choice apparently, after some self-reflection.
    Yes, but he wonít be able to maintain that . You donít go from laid back to serious and stay that way. Itís like you donít go from an anxiety ridden upset person to laid-back and stay that way. Peopleís personalities donít change like this.

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    That's what I am hoping for. I don't want him to change the essence of who he is, the person I fell in love with, and I feel awful it was triggered by me. Like I said, I had an off-moment and I was short with him. I knew I should have been more self-aware and stopped being so awful, but in the moment I was could not get over the fact he was making light of everything I was telling him.
    I apologized to him repeatedly yesterday. He still feels very different from his previous self. Maybe I am panicking, but I just want someone to talk to, and I do not want to tell someone whom we know in common.

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    I agree with vic ( seraphim) he is who is he is and any change isn't likely to last ....I wouldn't worry or bring it up again ..just leave him to find his own way again with who he is and I am sure he will soon be back to his usual self .

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    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I would let it drop and don't mention it anymore. You've since apologized so move on.

    In the future, if you're in a foul mood, try to exercise self control and you'll be ok. And, remain patient. Pick your battles. If he's jokey, let him joke for a bit and then get off the subject. Be tactful and peaceful. No sense quibbling over something like this.

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    I agree with you, I need to exercise better patience. Trust me, I am typically a lot more patient and try to be more calm than I was in this situation. He does joke around often and I playfully go along with it. This time, I was in a genuinely low mood. My approach is always be gentle with someone who is in a fragile state of mind, and not bring them down with jokes at their expense. I kind of expected that my partner would think the same: maybe I should have been more direct.

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    Originally Posted by putter
    I agree with you, I need to exercise better patience. Trust me, I am typically a lot more patient and try to be more calm than I was in this situation. He does joke around often and I playfully go along with it. This time, I was in a genuinely low mood. My approach is always be gentle with someone who is in a fragile state of mind, and not bring them down with jokes at their expense. I kind of expected that my partner would think the same: maybe I should have been more direct.
    So that's an issue -expecting your partner -someone who is not you -to react as you do. I'm a type A married to a type B -he thinks I overreact; I think he underreacts -sometimes I do a double take because he's soooo laid back it comes across as not caring and of course he probably thinks I overreact when his reaction would be "oh well I'm just not going to get all riled up about it". Also I love your approach but it presumes you know if someone is in a fragile state of mind -you might not - and of course jokes at someone's expense that are mean spirited are typically not funny at all even if someone is not fragile.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by putter
    I agree with you, I need to exercise better patience. Trust me, I am typically a lot more patient and try to be more calm than I was in this situation. He does joke around often and I playfully go along with it. This time, I was in a genuinely low mood. My approach is always be gentle with someone who is in a fragile state of mind, and not bring them down with jokes at their expense. I kind of expected that my partner would think the same: maybe I should have been more direct.
    There are times when I'm not in the mood for jokes either so I tell my husband nicely that while I appreciate his humor, there is a time and place for it and it's not now. I think if you say it tactfully instead of saying he needs to go to sleep, your message will go over more gently and he'll respond respectfully. It's not always what you say, it's how you say it. You can be direct as long as you're kind while doing it. You might want to try saying this: "Thank you for trying to cheer me up with your jokes but I'm not in the right mindset for jokes right now. I'm tired and will go to sleep soon. Or, I'm going to unwind so I'll talk you you later." Say something like that in a nice way so you're not telling him to go to sleep since he's an early bird.

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