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Age gap 20F and 31M.. any advice for sex life and memory gaps?


emonterroza

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I can't believe I'm writing to the internet about this, but I feel so alone right now. I am in a 11-12 year age gap relationship with my boyfriend. He's starting to experience symptoms of low T or maybe even mild ED. It's deeply affecting our sex life and my happiness in the relationship, but I know it's out of his control. He's made a doctors appointment, but I don't know how to cope with this. Not something I envisioned dealing with as a sophomore in college.. advice?

 

Also, I struggle a lot feeling like I missed out on his "golden years." We both met at a rave when I was 18, we've been together for 2 years, and i always hear his friends bring up their EDC or wild rave experiences from 2012-2015ish. How the music was so much better, and how raving/edm isn't the same. I see it in his face that he agrees even though he tells me he doesn't. He doesn't care to rave as much now that he's older. I feel like all his best memories happened before me and he lived his fun, wild life and now he just doesn't care for much. We still have so much in common, but I constantly feel like I've been left behind. I hate feeling like I wish I had a time machine so I could have been there all those years ago.. How do you get over these things being in a big age gap with someone you love?

 

This is honestly more than I could have ever expected, and it feels like it just keeps getting harder. By no means, is breaking up an options, but if anyone has been in a similar position, any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's not really possible for me to get any advice or understanding from my fellow college peers..

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My parents were 10 years apart when they married and at first it wasn't an issue. Then as years passed, as a daughter I could see that my late father grew to be a tired old man at a much faster rate while my mother remained vital, young and young-looking. They were a generation apart and didn't have anything in common. They couldn't relate. My father was off fighting a war while my mother was still a child. Later, the gap grew even more obvious as my late father's health declined rapidly while my mother was still young and healthy. Then all the burdens fell upon her to keep the family and household afloat financially. Even though some people say age differences don't matter, it does matter especially later as years pass by.

 

If breaking up is not an option, just be prepared for life to become more challenging instead of easier and smoother. Know what you're in for and hopefully you'll be mentally prepared.

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I can't believe I'm writing to the internet about this, but I feel so alone right now. I am in a 11-12 year age gap relationship with my boyfriend. He's starting to experience symptoms of low T or maybe even mild ED. It's deeply affecting our sex life and my happiness in the relationship, but I know it's out of his control. He's made a doctors appointment, but I don't know how to cope with this. Not something I envisioned dealing with as a sophomore in college.. advice?

 

Also, I struggle a lot feeling like I missed out on his "golden years." We both met at a rave when I was 18, we've been together for 2 years, and i always hear his friends bring up their EDC or wild rave experiences from 2012-2015ish. How the music was so much better, and how raving/edm isn't the same. I see it in his face that he agrees even though he tells me he doesn't. He doesn't care to rave as much now that he's older. I feel like all his best memories happened before me and he lived his fun, wild life and now he just doesn't care for much. We still have so much in common, but I constantly feel like I've been left behind. I hate feeling like I wish I had a time machine so I could have been there all those years ago.. How do you get over these things being in a big age gap with someone you love?

 

This is honestly more than I could have ever expected, and it feels like it just keeps getting harder. By no means, is breaking up an options, but if anyone has been in a similar position, any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's not really possible for me to get any advice or understanding from my fellow college peers..

 

Does boyfriend eat healthy and workout? Being healthy will help increase his testosterone levels. Also us men have the most testosterone levels during the morning.

 

Good luck to you both.

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He does eat super healthy and he works out 5-6 times every week. He does cardio and weights lift. We're both extremely active and health conscious individuals. That also surprised me, because from my research, he's not the typical candidate for low T (unhealthy, doesn't exercise, 35-40y/o+).

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He does eat super healthy and he works out 5-6 times every week. He does cardio and weights lift. We're both extremely active and health conscious individuals. That also surprised me, because from my research, he's not the typical candidate for low T (unhealthy, doesn't exercise, 35-40y/o+).

 

Both of you will age and grow old at different rates.

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Let's start with the health stuff: glad he's going to a doctor, because 31 isn't exactly 65—quite young to be experiencing all that stuff. Curious: Is your relationship solid, otherwise? I ask because a lot of that stuff can be more psychological than physical, a reaction to not feeling an intimate connection.

 

As for the general concerns—well, the gap is the gap. It's not going anywhere. I can't help but wonder if you feel you missed out on his supposed "golden years" because of where you are right now, in life, and wanting to share these shifts with someone as opposed to experiencing them alongside someone who is in another phase. I can only speak for myself—age 40 here—but life just got more golden at 30 and has been continuing on along those lines in the decade since. You couldn't pay me to go back to 22 or 26—but that's just me. Does he give off an attitude of his best days being behind him? Or do you simply feel a little more isolated these days?

 

Since breaking up isn't an option, all you can do is ride these waves, focusing on what you like about the dynamic. I've been the older guy in a few relationships, was 12 years older than my last gf. Not going to lie: it was a tough gap, for both of us, as time went on, though not in the obvious ways. Guess you could say we were both frustrated after a bit (2.5 years?) because we couldn't deny that we were just in drastically different points in our lives. Like you, I think she experienced some dissonance with me having lived quite a bit before I knew her—this sense that I'd experienced more, since, well, I had. Wasn't really on my mind, but the friction was undeniable.

 

When it comes to the relationship has a whole, do you think you both want the same things looking at the horizon?

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20 and 31 age gap may not be a big deal now but wait until it starts becoming more and more noticeable as time marches on. Then you will feel it health wise and economically. That's when the true test comes especially when life becomes harder.

 

Just remain realistic because Mother Nature always wins.

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Did he do a lot of rave drugs in his party years? Or steroids / PEDs? That may be why he now has low T or ED but he should definitely get checked out.

 

Regarding what you feel you missed out on... you need to decide what’s important. Either focus on who he is now and what you have in common or find someone closer to your age so you can share those times together.

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He should stick to his appointment with his doctor regarding his low testosterone levels and receive medical advice from a health care provider. You cannot solve his medical issues or change them. That's up to a health professional and your boyfriend. Don't let mini things like these get to you. Going to the doctor for help or for answers is a good thing, and as you age, it should be a regular thing.

 

...I constantly feel like I've been left behind. I hate feeling like I wish I had a time machine so I could have been there all those years ago.. How do you get over these things being in a big age gap with someone you love?

 

This is honestly more than I could have ever expected, and it feels like it just keeps getting harder. By no means, is breaking up an options, but if anyone has been in a similar position, any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's not really possible for me to get any advice or understanding from my fellow college peers..

 

Why is breaking up not an option and why are you not able to gain any understanding from your peers your age? This doesn't seem like like a very reasonable set up for you and you seem isolated. It's doing you in mentally and your mental health is suffering if you're feeling down about being isolated from your peers or any further options aside from forcing this relationship to work.

 

No one ever gets over a big age gap. It is either workable/tolerable or it's not. If you're really thinking about how unbearable and sad this is, this doesn't seem like a good idea for you in the long run. Perhaps countless peers have told you the same thing already? Having been in large age gap relationships, nothing will take away that lost time inbetween. I met my husband late in life and we both wonder what it might have been like together in the earlier parts of our lives. How different things might have been and what it might have been like to live through certain decades together. That is all in the past.

 

The idea of lost time and time past/gone doesn't ever go away. Just appreciate what you do have (your present) and if you don't have any future with this person (if either of you aren't committed). My advice: start working on your present and on your future. If you have neither or can't see a life in the present or the future with this person, this is not the right relationship for you.

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You need to date men you have more in common with and have some sort of future with. He' may only with you because he may think a someone's youth was better than viagra, but obviously even that isn't working.

 

Most men his age do not have health problems like the ones you are assuming. Just occasional nerves. Is he still using drugs or drinking? Does he have another gf/wife? Maybe he wants another 18 y/o and you are getting to old and it's getting too boring for him after 2 years.

He's starting to experience symptoms of low T. We both met at a rave when I was 18, we've been together for 2 years
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What is it that you two enjoy doing together? Those party years are usually for when one is single or just starting to date, and you're enjoying a lot of group time with friends. When a couple becomes exclusive and matures into a serious union, often those activities wane and you start doing other fun things together during the nesting phase.

 

Is it that you want to keep going to raves, but you see the light has gone out for him for that activity? Is it that you feel he has no joy or passion for anything at the moment? What if his ED problems aren't physical, but because of a lack of an emotional connection with you? What is his relationship history? Has he had discussions with you about his vision of what a future for you two entails or not?

 

Often what one wants in their late teens can be the total opposite of what they want moving into the next decade. Your brain won't even be fully formed in the decision making section, until you're 25. And the bigger the age gap, the higher the risk of failure when it comes to romance, because as you can see, you're at different stages in life and that presents extra problems that don't exist when you're closer in age to a partner.

 

We might have more advice if you answer the questions I've listed. Take care.

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It is extremely solid! We've discussed marriage. He's told his friends and our families about his plans to propose to me in a year or so. Every other aspect of our relationship outside the bedroom is perfect. We communicate so well, have constructive arguing without it becoming a fight, and feel so close to one another..

 

He doesn't give off the attitude. I know it is just me and feeling isolated. It's not a constant feeling, but it does come back here and there. I guess I am just sad that I wasn't there with him when he had all these memories. I always worry that our memories aren't as much fun or as exciting, so I have to tell myself to stop comparing what we have now vs what he had then. It's just easier to tell myself that than to do it.

 

We have the same end game, and have already began looking into homes/communities. We're traveling with each other's families and our friends are all super supportive of us. I know this is mainly my issue that I have to overcome, but I do find relief knowing another couple has experienced the same. I think it's just some of the hardship that comes with being in an age gap relationship, but no matter what, it is just hard to cope with as a college student. It's not something I could have planned or saw coming, because my circle of friends aren't facing these issues. Just trying to deal with it as it comes. I love him unconditionally, I just have to wrap my head around it all sometimes.

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He did do a love of rave drugs in his lifetime. No steroids, but definitely has done a lot of rave drugs since he got into it about 10 years ago.

 

You're right. It's just harder to stay focused on it. I normally do, but I do have moments where I worry and feel overwhelmed and left behind. I suppose it's just a mental state and I need to work on letting it go.

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Breaking up is not an option, because this is literally the only problem we have in our relationship. Our relationship is so stable and strong. We argue constructively and calmly, we have so much in common, and we make each other so happy. We both feel really lucky in how compatible we are and how well we work as a team. Thus, I wouldn't break up with him over not receiving enough sex. I love him and I wouldn't give up over that..

 

I say I can't gain understanding from my peers, and I feel isolated, because they are all 19-20 year olds.. They have no idea what it's like to face a relationship where one partner might be struggling from ED. All of them are having sex like rabbits. They also can't understand the physical and mental differences between a college student and a 31 year old. They simply don't know what to say or what advice to offer, because they have no experience in that. When I confide in them, all they can do is say they're sorry and we will get through it. It's not like I'm at the age where my girlfriends can be like, "Oh yes, so and so's husband deals with that and this is what they did and it was all fine after!.." I don't feel isolated from them, I just can't expect them to relate to my position.

 

But you're right. It's in the past and I need to let it go. It is hard though as you said to accept the idea of lost time, but I know as time goes on, it will be less important once we've made our own memories (first born, buying a home, etc).

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I don't think you are as invested in this relationship and him as you think you are if your focus is on what you missed with him rather than what you can build with him now that you are together.

 

First find out what's wrong with his plumbing and then decide if he's enough for you as is or do you actually want someone who is immature and still wanting to rave and do drugs.

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If you are sexually incompatible it will catch up with you. You may be deliriously happy now, but you won't be when he gets worse or when you feel chronically unsatisfied and feel the need to cheat. Your peers are enjoying thier lives having fun and satisfying sexual lives. You are 20 and have the sex life of a 60 y/o.

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Oh man, we do so much. We love to go to the movies, try new restaurants, travel (Cancun, Hawaii, Chicago, Denver, Taiwan next year), go to the beach/pool, go to raves, stay at home & binge watch Stranger things/The office/food documentaries, we love to go to the gym together almost every day, have dinners with other couples, check out new bars, go to rap or indie concerts, food festivals, cultural festivals, check out new art/science museums, etc etc.. We have so many hobbies and interests and activities we love to do. We normally split our alone time and friends time equally. After one weekend of being alone with one another, we normally want to go out the next weekend and be with friends or go do something fun.

 

I do want to keep going to raves, but he doesn't care much for it. He's seen and done it all. He's over it, but still does it for me and my enjoyment. I just know over the next few years, we'll stop raving, which I have to accept it.

 

I've thought the same thing.. he continuously tells me it's physical, but I guess we'll see. Other aspects of our relationship are just fine, it really is just this only lately.

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What do his doctors say? Is he having an affair or losing interest? The age difference is not that outrageous. A 31 y/o man is not old nor should be having physical problems unless he had undetected health issues.

he continuously tells me it's physical, but I guess we'll see. Other aspects of our relationship are just fine, it really is just this only lately.
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Oh man, we do so much. We love to go to the movies, try new restaurants, travel (Cancun, Hawaii, Chicago, Denver, Taiwan next year), go to the beach/pool, go to raves, stay at home & binge watch Stranger things/The office/food documentaries, we love to go to the gym together almost every day, have dinners with other couples, check out new bars, go to rap or indie concerts, food festivals, cultural festivals, check out new art/science museums, etc etc.. We have so many hobbies and interests and activities we love to do. We normally split our alone time and friends time equally. After one weekend of being alone with one another, we normally want to go out the next weekend and be with friends or go do something fun.

 

I do want to keep going to raves, but he doesn't care much for it. He's seen and done it all. He's over it, but still does it for me and my enjoyment. I just know over the next few years, we'll stop raving, which I have to accept it.

 

I've thought the same thing.. he continuously tells me it's physical, but I guess we'll see. Other aspects of our relationship are just fine, it really is just this only lately.

Then I'm confused as to the majority of your first post was about lamenting about not being there when he WAS into raving and doing drugs. With all that you do together, you would think that wanting to rave would be the last of your worries or wants.

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You can do all the fun stuff you want to do on your own. Just work that into your separate time like you have with the other things.

 

No matter who you date they will have experienced things before you got with them, that's normal.

 

I have to wonder if there is something else going on in the relationship that you are lamenting a past that could never have existed. I suppose it could just be the ED causing you to rethink things. But if it's more than just the ED - or if the ED is a sign of something else, then you both have some searching to do.

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I have to wonder if there is something else going on in the relationship that you are lamenting a past that could never have existed. I suppose it could just be the ED causing you to rethink things. But if it's more than just the ED - or if the ED is a sign of something else, then you both have some searching to do.

 

This is what I'm seeing. To expand...

 

So, I'm exactly twice your age and it's not as if I've spent the past 10 years talking about ED issues with my "older" friends while waxing nostalgic about the "rabbit-like" days of dorm rooms or warehouse raves. It all remains pretty rabbit-like on those fronts, with the added bonus being that we're now rabbits who know exactly what kind of carrots we like to snack on, so to speak.

 

Guess what I'm trying to say is that whatever is up with your bf—psychological, physical, some combo—is not some standard phase among those who have entered the senior home of thirtydom that you're having to "prematurely" deal with at 20. Nor is being in a "mature" and "adult" relationship about training yourself to want less sex than you want. So please be careful not to try to play that trick on yourself, or make that trick the glue for romantic harmony. It's iffy glue, at all ages, at least from what I've observed in people who try to rationalize sexual discontentment as mandatory in longterm relationships. Things get wild in all the wrong ways if the animal inside us humans is not sated.

 

To tie that in to the other stuff: Reading what you're writing, you seem to think of "memories" as a kind of currency. But they're not. They're just stuff you did. You can't "make up" for that by buying a home and making a baby, and I'd really encourage you to not think of it as some kind of competition to "beat" his rave years with, say, a mortgage and a newborn. That's like trying to make up for the past by fast-tracking toward a future—and, in the process, missing out on the only thing there ever is: the present.

 

What it kind of comes down to is that staying with him means there will always be one unbridgeable divide: he had an adulthood that did not include you, while your adulthood is being built exclusively with him. That is forever—and, yeah, it's a tough pill to swallow, especially when you're getting thirsty for the eye-rolling stuff between the sheets.

 

Which leads to a question: Do you think your edginess about his rave years is simply connected to your still wanting to hit the raves harder than he does, or is it because you imagine him as a more sexually vigorous version of himself when he was dancing till dawn at 22? If it's the latter, I think it means looking at the ED stuff not as something to cope with but to solve in a way that genuinely satisfies you both.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

My partner is 22 years my senior, and this has been a huge issue for us. I don't really have any great advice unfortunately, but I'm here with you. 31 seems a little young to be dealing with this problem physically, so I'm wondering if it's a mental thing. Maybe he's under a lot of pressure at work, etc. You've been together for 2 years, but how long has this been going on?

 

My parents are 8 years apart, and my grandparents were a whopping 32 years apart, so age gap relationships have always been the norm for me. This wasn't a problem I thought I would ever have to deal with in my 20s, and it can feel really discouraging sometimes. There are other ways that a couple can be intimate without having penetrative sex, although that might not be sustainable. that's a start, and requires effort and communication, which are vital in a relationship. I hope things turn around for you!

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