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Thread: Age gap 20F and 31M.. any advice for sex life and memory gaps?

  1. #21
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    You can do all the fun stuff you want to do on your own. Just work that into your separate time like you have with the other things.

    No matter who you date they will have experienced things before you got with them, that's normal.

    I have to wonder if there is something else going on in the relationship that you are lamenting a past that could never have existed. I suppose it could just be the ED causing you to rethink things. But if it's more than just the ED - or if the ED is a sign of something else, then you both have some searching to do.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by saluk
    I have to wonder if there is something else going on in the relationship that you are lamenting a past that could never have existed. I suppose it could just be the ED causing you to rethink things. But if it's more than just the ED - or if the ED is a sign of something else, then you both have some searching to do.
    This is what I'm seeing. To expand...

    So, I'm exactly twice your age and it's not as if I've spent the past 10 years talking about ED issues with my "older" friends while waxing nostalgic about the "rabbit-like" days of dorm rooms or warehouse raves. It all remains pretty rabbit-like on those fronts, with the added bonus being that we're now rabbits who know exactly what kind of carrots we like to snack on, so to speak.

    Guess what I'm trying to say is that whatever is up with your bf—psychological, physical, some combo—is not some standard phase among those who have entered the senior home of thirtydom that you're having to "prematurely" deal with at 20. Nor is being in a "mature" and "adult" relationship about training yourself to want less sex than you want. So please be careful not to try to play that trick on yourself, or make that trick the glue for romantic harmony. It's iffy glue, at all ages, at least from what I've observed in people who try to rationalize sexual discontentment as mandatory in longterm relationships. Things get wild in all the wrong ways if the animal inside us humans is not sated.

    To tie that in to the other stuff: Reading what you're writing, you seem to think of "memories" as a kind of currency. But they're not. They're just stuff you did. You can't "make up" for that by buying a home and making a baby, and I'd really encourage you to not think of it as some kind of competition to "beat" his rave years with, say, a mortgage and a newborn. That's like trying to make up for the past by fast-tracking toward a future—and, in the process, missing out on the only thing there ever is: the present.

    What it kind of comes down to is that staying with him means there will always be one unbridgeable divide: he had an adulthood that did not include you, while your adulthood is being built exclusively with him. That is forever—and, yeah, it's a tough pill to swallow, especially when you're getting thirsty for the eye-rolling stuff between the sheets.

    Which leads to a question: Do you think your edginess about his rave years is simply connected to your still wanting to hit the raves harder than he does, or is it because you imagine him as a more sexually vigorous version of himself when he was dancing till dawn at 22? If it's the latter, I think it means looking at the ED stuff not as something to cope with but to solve in a way that genuinely satisfies you both.

  3. #23
    Take good care of your teeth and eat healthy and you'll be fine. If your partner is having ED, he may have sleep apnea. Check to see if he has varicose vein of the scrotum.

  4. #24

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    My partner is 22 years my senior, and this has been a huge issue for us. I don't really have any great advice unfortunately, but I'm here with you. 31 seems a little young to be dealing with this problem physically, so I'm wondering if it's a mental thing. Maybe he's under a lot of pressure at work, etc. You've been together for 2 years, but how long has this been going on?

    My parents are 8 years apart, and my grandparents were a whopping 32 years apart, so age gap relationships have always been the norm for me. This wasn't a problem I thought I would ever have to deal with in my 20s, and it can feel really discouraging sometimes. There are other ways that a couple can be intimate without having penetrative sex, although that might not be sustainable. that's a start, and requires effort and communication, which are vital in a relationship. I hope things turn around for you!

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