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Thread: heart broken by friend

  1. #1
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    heart broken by friend

    I'm a 35 year old man, been single for a year and a half now.

    About 3 months ago I kissed a friend of mine (who I have known for 20 odd years) at a party and soon after we started seeing each other on a weekly basis. She said she wanted to take things slowly, and there were two reasons for this, firstly she is quite recently out of a long term relationship which didn't end amicably (her decision) and secondly we have been friends for such a long time that she was afraid things could move too quickly.

    So we kind of agreed to meet just once a week, but that once a week quickly turned into most of each weekend, also we ended up on short 3 day holiday together sort of coincidentally cos we were in the same place, anyway to cut a long story short things did start to develop very quickly. We were getting on really well, we have similar interests, similar values and ideas about the future, and we had really good and passionate sex. When we were together it was always fun but during the week she kept her distance, not really texting and I was happy to give her that space. The week before last however I felt she was keeping especially distant, I knew something was up when I asked her if she had told a joint friend of ours that we had started seeing each other and she snapped back that she didn't feel like she had to go around telling people as she was "recently out of a relationship and was still trying to work things out". I didn't hear from her for a few days after that (first time in a couple of months that we had not text at all for more than a day or two) I finally text her to see if we could chat and she told me that she had been putting it off but she didn't think we could keep seeing each other because she isn't ready for a relationship and she thought that I obviously was and it felt to her like this was going in the direction of a relationship. She said she would have liked to keep seeing me casually but that it wouldn't be fair to me. She said she was trying to be as honest as possible and I believe that she is telling it how it is but that doesn't make it any easier.

    I'm devastated. I really didn't plan to start having such strong feelings for her but we started to develop a deep connection that was evident when we made love. When I said to her that I felt really connected she responded by saying that each time we had sex she felt it was bringing us closer, she also said she felt connected in many ways, so I don't think that I was imagining the deepening connection that was starting to develop.

    I really hoped she would text this weekend. I have made the decision not to contact her at all and only respond if and when she does text, as difficult as it is! I was in such a good place before we started dating and then literally on cloud 9 for a couple of months whilst we were seeing each other. I'm really struggling right now I guess I fell in love with her and frustratingly I can't tell her this cos I know it would just push her away even further.

    I guess the only thing I can do is give her space now, right? I know i'm clinging to hope that time is all she needs and that she will at some time in the future think that it could be worth picking things up again - is this a bad thing to do? I guess it is, I should just focus on the present but I am finding it really difficult because I keep coming back in my mind to how good it felt :/

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she is not ready to date. The 'still trying to work things out' part would be a reason to pause and step way back. Is she still with this guy in some way? Watch your heart with this one, make sure you're not heading for the friendzone or becoming a plan B. Do not contact her and if she contacts you keep it cordial but cool.
    Originally Posted by milliganimal
    she didn't feel like she had to go around telling people as she was "recently out of a relationship and was still trying to work things out".

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this. Feeling for you.

    Yes, I agree with your own assessment that all you can do now is give her space—and, most importantly, to give yourself space: to heal and move forward, rather than freezing yourself into a state of longing and hurt. You were in a great place before you met her, which means you're still in that place: hurting, yes, but not destroyed. Perhaps even stronger for being reminded of your own potential for romantic connection, if you can see it like that.

    Romance is always a risk—and this one, by the sounds of it, had more risks from the outset than others. She made clear where her head was at, and perhaps in the future you'll respond differently to someone who is wearing their baggage, trepidation, and emotional unavailability on their sleeve. When I was dating, for instance, I had a little personal rule that I automatically divested from anyone who felt the need to preface things on them being skittish because of past pain, since the last thing I want to be is someone's bandaid. Bandaids are only so sticky—a lesson I probably had to learn by being in both your shoes and hers here and there over the course of life.

    In your present shoes, heavy as they are, I'd try to see this from a positive angle: perhaps this was something you needed to be reminded that you are more ready and available for romance than you knew, for the kind of deep and real relationship that she is not ready for. Maybe you didn't fully know that was in you, which is why someone wanting to "keep her distance" was appealing rather than discouraging. Painful sequence to get to that knowledge, yes. But also great. That new understanding of yourself and your authentic wants does not vanish with her, and will be there, ready for you, as the pain of this chapter recedes, if you allow yourself proper space to heal.

    On that note, I'd encourage you not to "cling" to hope that she just needs another hour or a week to be "ready," since she has made it crystal clear from the beginning, in both words and actions, that she is far, far from being ready for the thing you want. While you two shared real intimacy, her mind is on someone else, and until she works through those thoughts and feelings anything new, as happened here, will just mute them for a bit before stirring them into a little destructive tornado that keeps her rooted in her grief. Unfortunately, you caught her at a moment that made you a "trigger" for all that—not your fault, not hers, but just the sad fact of it all that can't be thought or felt away.

    You were friends before all this, so maybe there is another chapter of friendship on the horizon, as these sour feelings are processed. Or, really, who knows what's on the horizon? But to find out you have to accept this loss and the reality of the disconnect, letting go so you can move toward that horizon and see what's there.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Respect her decision and break it off with her. She's not serious about a relationship with you so take a hint, get her message and move on. Seeing each other casually will be meaningless. Cease all contact.

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  6. #5
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    Thank you all for your advice

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    @ Cherylyn I must say I'm glad your response was not the only one I received. It's a little harsh tbh. I respect your perception but I came on here because I'm hurting and to be told to take a hint and get the message cos she doesn't want anything serious with me is not really helping. Even so, thank you for your input.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milliganimal
    @ Cherylyn I must say I'm glad your response was not the only one I received. It's a little harsh tbh. I respect your perception but I came on here because I'm hurting and to be told to take a hint and get the message cos she doesn't want anything serious with me is not really helping. Even so, thank you for your input.
    I'm sorry. It was not my intent to offend you. Many times when you feel weak and defeated in your spirits, what helps is changing the way you think. Turn your weakness and hurts into strength and then wisdom sets in. You'll realize certain relationships were not meant to be due to incompatibility which was beyond your control. She can't help who she is either. Both of you were mismatched.

    Whenever anyone is indifferent or doesn't treat you as if you have feelings or treat you as if you matter, you shouldn't obsess about them anymore because they're not worth it! If they disrespect you habitually, you have to let them go, release them from your life and be able to breathe freely. You need to be with people who know how to treat you with kindness and respect. Everyone else doesn't deserve to be in your life. It's black and white in this regard and so basic. There is no sugar coating this.

    Stay strong and let time heal your old wounds someday. Hang in there. Be tough. Look at your life and relationships with a new lens and a fresh pair of eyes. Look at it from a different angle. At the end of the day, it's all about 'The Golden Rule:' "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." If a woman or people don't practice this in your life, you don't NEED them. They don't benefit you in a mentally healthy way which impacts your physical well being as well.

    Practice being perceptive about this which will promote your healing and recovery. Always focus on the quality of character because it either makes or breaks all relationships (including friendships).

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with Cherylyn. Unfortunately she's in a poor state of mind right now and isn't ok to date you seriously or treat the relationship with the level of care and consideration that you're looking for in one. She was clear that she was interested in seeing you casually. This means she's not 100% emotionally available. I don't think it's healthy to wait or stick around. The warning signs were all there to start but I think you ignored them or were a bit naive. This wasn't a situation that just happened overnight. It's trouble waiting to start and you just walked right into it.

    Take it easy and you are better off meeting new people, taking up an interest in old/new hobbies and being around friends and family you can trust, who love you and support you 100%.

  10. #9
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    I'm sorry, but you were a rebound. She is not ready for dating and will not be for a long time.

    You should move on from this. You cannot be friends if there are feelings.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I agree with Cherylyn. Unfortunately she's in a poor state of mind right now and isn't ok to date you seriously or treat the relationship with the level of care and consideration that you're looking for in one. She was clear that she was interested in seeing you casually. This means she's not 100% emotionally available. I don't think it's healthy to wait or stick around. The warning signs were all there to start but I think you ignored them or were a bit naive. This wasn't a situation that just happened overnight. It's trouble waiting to start and you just walked right into it.

    Take it easy and you are better off meeting new people, taking up an interest in old/new hobbies and being around friends and family you can trust, who love you and support you 100%.
    Thanks, Rose Mosse.

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