Jump to content

He went out on a date to test his feelings for me


Shylight

Recommended Posts

He went on a date because he's comparison shopping which many people do before becoming exclusive - why did he choose to share this information with you? It's unusual. When you know you want to be exclusive with someone you don't need to test that by trying out someone else.

Link to comment
I have been dating a guy for the past several weeks. He told me that he wanted to become exclusive with me. Yet he admitted to me that he went out on a date with another girl to see if I was the one?

 

That would be a deal breaker for me. It would show me that he isn't on the same page as I am when it comes to the relationship.

Link to comment

Forget about what he wants for a minute. Are you sure you want to be exclusive with him? There's a "jump through hoops to be what he wants" vibe that you need to watch for in the future. If you stay with him this will not be the only time you deal with this issue.

Link to comment

Did he just “admit” this out of the blue, or did you ask if he’d gone on dates with anyone else? And what do you want from him?

 

To me the strange thing is that he told you about it and how he phrased it—that would rub me the wrong way. Generally, I assume anyone I’m newly dating is likely meeting other people. Fine. If our connection is strong all that tends to fall away pretty quickly, so the “exclusive” talk is more of “labeling” something that already exists: two people only interested in each other, celebrating that with boundaries to protect the connection as it expands.

 

No need to wield “other people” as little swords, since that phase is over, or to make exclusivity about some kind of test. You don’t tell the Audi that you liked it better than the Acura—you just buy the Audi. To make a person feel like a product test—well, that would unnerve me and lead me to question whether we’re on the same page in our ideas about romantic and human connection.

Link to comment

What is it that you want? Having the exclusive talk is normal after several weeks of dating. Dating others until that time is also normal.

I have been dating a guy for the past several weeks. He told me that he wanted to become exclusive with me. Yet he admitted to me that he went out on a date with another girl to see if I was the one?
Link to comment
Meh....throw him back.

 

Ya I get it, people will multi date before making a decision...some don't. I would never get involved myself. I'm one of those who dates one at a time. Most never made it past the first date anyways.

 

I always multidated before deciding to be exclusive with a particular person. I would never have told someone that -so tacky/classless. I didn't multidate to test my feelings for a particular person but because especially when I was older I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket too soon and forego opportunities to meet people because I wanted marriage and family -and in my 30s I wanted to make sure I availed myself of opportunities to meet people and not commit too soon to someone I'd only dated a handful of times.

Link to comment

He's being honest with you about seeing someone else after he met you. He might even regret it. If he looks regretful, it might be appropriate. If he's grinning ear to ear like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland, then there's probably something wrong with him.

 

I wouldn't penalize him for being honest with you. Just take it for what it is. The question is whether you want to continue seeing him exclusively (as per his proposal).

Link to comment
He's being honest with you about seeing someone else after he met you. He might even regret it. If he looks regretful, it might be appropriate. If he's grinning ear to ear like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland, then there's probably something wrong with him.

 

I wouldn't penalize him for being honest with you. Just take it for what it is. The question is whether you want to continue seeing him exclusively (as per his proposal).

 

I don't think it's honest -I think it's oversharing. Before exclusivity it's assumed that people date other people or look to date other people. He's telling her he needed to test his feelings for her by sampling someone else. So she can assume he'll do the same thing in other commitment related contexts like if they get more serious. She shouldn't pry and ask him if he went out on other dates -when I was asked that I basically told the person that was personal if we weren't yet exclusive. And if he uses the "I was just being honest" excuse she should be ready for more no filter/oversharing about what he thinks of her.

Link to comment
I don't think it's honest -I think it's oversharing. Before exclusivity it's assumed that people date other people or look to date other people. He's telling her he needed to test his feelings for her by sampling someone else. So she can assume he'll do the same thing in other commitment related contexts like if they get more serious. She shouldn't pry and ask him if he went out on other dates -when I was asked that I basically told the person that was personal if we weren't yet exclusive. And if he uses the "I was just being honest" excuse she should be ready for more no filter/oversharing about what he thinks of her.

 

Maybe you're a bit more put together than others? Not everyone has rules set in stone for how to behave in the first few weeks of meeting.

 

I don't really think it's a big deal, to be honest. It would be overthinking at this point because they've been dating only a few weeks. I think what you're getting at is some sort of etiquette while dating. The way I see it: It's a lot better knowing someone in all their guts and glory at the start as opposed to finding out bits and pieces of sordid or inappropriate details later on. It's good of him to speak up. He obviously felt it was necessary and that's his prerogative.

Link to comment

Nope. I agree it’s not set in stone. Simply commenting generally that he has poor filters and boundaries about what to tell s woman he would like to be exclusive with. Nothing to do with rules or even dating actually. Just basic common sense on how to treat people. I’m not a fan of using the term honest for what it oversharing. I would like to know if she asked.

Link to comment

Do you like him? When was this exclusive conversation and when did he date others? Would you prefer he didn't tell you? Did he tell you this after sleeping together and before being exclusive? What seems to be the issue?

I have been dating a guy for the past several weeks. He told me that he wanted to become exclusive with me. Yet he admitted to me that he went out on a date with another girl to see if I was the one?
Link to comment
I guess the context in which he brought up might matter.

And when did he go out on this date? The way I read it it doesn't necessarily say it was recent (or not)

And though he says he wants to be exclusive, have you agreed to it?

There are just a lot of grey areas here.

 

 

I went out on business trip a few days ago - before I left, he told me verbatim that he and I were going to become exclusive and get together. I found out that the EXACT say I left, another girl contacted him on a dating app wanting to meet him. The day I came back from my business trip, he had gone out on a date with this girl. He told me he did this because he was falling for me, and wanted to make sure his emotions were real. This all happened today!

Link to comment
I went out on business trip a few days ago - before I left, he told me verbatim that he and I were going to become exclusive and get together. I found out that the EXACT say I left, another girl contacted him on a dating app wanting to meet him. The day I came back from my business trip, he had gone out on a date with this girl. He told me he did this because he was falling for me, and wanted to make sure his emotions were real. This all happened today!

 

He sounds off and it's a bit nonsense for logic. Sorry, Shylight. If you don't feel right about it, it wouldn't be unusual. I'd advise staying clear of this person. Good thing he is honest!

Link to comment

Ok so you were not yet exclusive and he decided to have coffee with someone from the app. It is not as if you were exclusive dating for months and he then slept with someone. What is the beef? 🍔

 

It seems like you are finding reasons to ditch him. Or you have been terribly burned before and are not quite ready to date.

he told me verbatim that he and I were going to become exclusive and get together. another girl contacted him on a dating app wanting to meet him.
Link to comment
I went out on business trip a few days ago - before I left, he told me verbatim that he and I were going to become exclusive and get together. I found out that the EXACT say I left, another girl contacted him on a dating app wanting to meet him. The day I came back from my business trip, he had gone out on a date with this girl. He told me he did this because he was falling for me, and wanted to make sure his emotions were real. This all happened today!

going to become and get together is future talk, not present moment.

I don't know.

It's a toss.

You are obviously uncomfortable with it or you wouldn't be here asking.

That should be your answer.

Link to comment

What he did was boneheaded but it sounds like it came from both fear & then a good place. He wanted to exclusive & told you so but then this opportunity came up. he was worried that you two were moving to fast or he was afraid of being tied down or some other nonsense. So he went on the date while you were away. that convinced him you really were the girl for him. Granted he should have gotten all the comparison shopping out of his system before mentioning exclusive to you.

 

I might be able to get past this but he'd really have to be on his best behavior going forward.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
I have been dating a guy for the past several weeks. He told me that he wanted to become exclusive with me. Yet he admitted to me that he went out on a date with another girl to see if I was the one?

 

Was he by chance from Eastern Europe? A guy I dated once said this to me, too. He was from Bulgaria. He was definitely shopping for a wife.... I think he expected us to have an on-and-off relationship during that time.

 

Anyway, right after this guy and I first met and started dating, his friends (a married couple) tried to set him up with a girl they knew. He went on a double-date with the girl and the couple. Then he volunteered the information to me.

 

I actually appreciated his honesty and didn't feel threatened at all (I figured I was a good catch LOL).

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...