Why do men go out of their way to avoid women after short term dating?

I don’t get it. 30F, 42M. We dated for like 2 months and he always seemed like his head was somewhere else. He finally came clean into saying his psyche was focused on an ex and he just wants to focus on himself and MAYBE in a few months we’ll resume dating (NO THANKS) and not to be a stranger.

Saw him last night at a large Halloween event, he would steal glances at me but when passing by him with multiple people in the venue between us or even in closer proximity would almost break his neck not to look at me.

I know he’s not for me, I don’t care to date him again, the physical just wasn’t there, but why do men make it even more awkward? This is the third guy. Only trend is all 3 of them dumped me. I ran into a guy I ended things with and were still cordial. I’m not saying to be best friends or to even sit and chat- why is a simple hello or aknowledgment hard for some of us even though we dated the person a while and no hard feelings were involved?

Thank you!

Sorry to hear this. How do you know each other? If you have to keep running into someone things didn't pan out with it could be awkward. If this is a pattern it could be a good idea to reflect on why you keep running into guys you used to date. Also try to take things slowly and recognize flings or red flags sooner rather than later.

Saw him last night at a large Halloween event, he would steal glances

why do men make it even more awkward? This is the third guy. Only trend is all 3 of them dumped me.

Actually I would view this as confirmation that all 3 of these men were not for you.

What would you think/feel if you ran into one of them and they were nice and friendly?

These guys are acting this way because that is how they feel at that moment, it isn't about you. Generalizing is rarely a good idea. I have seen women I chose not to continue dating and I say hi and ask how they are unless they are with some guy and if they are I give them a wave and a smile. I certainly don't want to cause a problem so I play it by ear.

Now if every guy you have ever dated runs from you like you are a zombie then maybe you need to revisit how things ended with all of them and why.

Lost

Why do men go out of their way to avoid women after short term dating?

It's not exclusive to men... and not all men do this.

why is a simple hello or acknowledgment hard for some of us even though we dated the person a while and no hard feelings were involved?

It literally could be so many things... he might be trying to ensure the door stays closed, or he is feeling awkward, or he is interested in someone and doesn't want to be seen chatting up other women.

Turn this around a bit - what all these men have in common is you. In other words, take a good look at what kind of men you are choosing to date and whether you might be picking personality traits that aren't that good. The real question isn't why do men do this, because they don't, but rather why do I keep choosing to date men who do this and how do I start to choose better?

What you are describing sounds like a bit of immaturity on their part, a lack of basic grace and civil manners. Remember that age and maturity are not the same thing.

I don’t get it. 30F, 42M. We dated for like 2 months and he always seemed like his head was somewhere else. He finally came clean into saying his psyche was focused on an ex and he just wants to focus on himself and MAYBE in a few months we’ll resume dating (NO THANKS) and not to be a stranger.

 

Saw him last night at a large Halloween event, he would steal glances at me but when passing by him with multiple people in the venue between us or even in closer proximity would almost break his neck not to look at me.

 

I know he’s not for me, I don’t care to date him again, the physical just wasn’t there, but why do men make it even more awkward? This is the third guy. Only trend is all 3 of them dumped me. I ran into a guy I ended things with and were still cordial. I’m not saying to be best friends or to even sit and chat- why is a simple hello or aknowledgment hard for some of us even though we dated the person a while and no hard feelings were involved?

 

Thank you!

He broke it off with you and there's a high likelihood he doesn't want to give you the idea that he's still interested by being friendly with you. I think he's doing you a favour because you don't seem entirely over it yet.

If you don't care to date him again, why do you care so much what he's doing or what glances in which direction he's stealing? Are you sure you're not over the sting of things ending? It's not unusual to miss that companionship but it's over (the romance, that is, and likely all idea of friendship either). It's not exactly the norm to remain friendly or cordial with someone you've just stopped seeing. This frees up your time to get to know other people.

Turn this around a bit - what all these men have in common is you. In other words, take a good look at what kind of men you are choosing to date and whether you might be picking personality traits that aren't that good. The real question isn't why do men do this, because they don't, but rather why do I keep choosing to date men who do this and how do I start to choose better?

 

What you are describing sounds like a bit of immaturity on their part, a lack of basic grace and civil manners. Remember that age and maturity are not the same thing.

Bingo.

Not all men do this, but if all men are doing this to you...

Okay. Yes you are right I shouldn’t generalize. Both genders do this. And I do understand from therapy that much like the other two he is a narc and I have a tendency to be attracted to that.

Maybe it’s just a blow to my ego. The other two were bad in that one cheated on me and I called him out on it and I don’t sugarcoat it when people ask why.

However, here it was amicable. He’s the one who said don’t be a stranger. He may as well have ghosted me. This is the kind of guy who’s friendly and nice to everyone (but I feel like me) which is annoying me. I was kind and respectful and graceful during all our dates and frankly sexually or physically he had attraction issues with me. (It may be that my height wasn’t an issue or he didn’t find he to be “hot”- it felt like any form of intimacy or words or compliments to me were forced.

I have an agreeable personality, I’m educated, I’m decently informed, I work hard at having a good body after being obese in my teenage years, I take good care of myself and my skin, I just have some hair loss and - I just don’t get what I did to repulse him so badly. I know it shouldn’t matter so much but really? He may as well just run for the hills.

Thank you!! It’s not a pattern bc I’m cordial with 15 other guys I’ve dated short term. I think I’m just shocked a guy who’s a friend to everyone and so nidevto everyone goes out of his way to avoid me. My own flaw I should work on.

Sorry to hear this. How do you know each other? If you have to keep running into someone things didn't pan out with it could be awkward. If this is a pattern it could be a good idea to reflect on why you keep running into guys you used to date. Also try to take things slowly and recognize flings or red flags sooner rather than later.

Thanks so much! We’re in the same tight knit community.

He broke it off with you and there's a high likelihood he doesn't want to give you the idea that he's still interested by being friendly with you. I think he's doing you a favour because you don't seem entirely over it yet.

 

If you don't care to date him again, why do you care so much what he's doing or what glances in which direction he's stealing? Are you sure you're not over the sting of things ending? It's not unusual to miss that companionship but it's over (the romance, that is, and likely all idea of friendship either). It's not exactly the norm to remain friendly or cordial with someone you've just stopped seeing. This frees up your time to get to know other people.

True! Thanks! Sting is there and my own big flaw to work on! Ty for responding

I have a pocket theory that it takes some "narc-like" traits to label someone whose not super into you a "narc." I don't mean that as harsh criticism, but just to point out that your last two posts are making his actions all about you, and a verdict on you, rather than him just being himself: a guy that was always kind of "somewhere else" more than he was into things with you. Happens. Sucks. Sometimes that's the only story to tell.

I doubt he was "repulsed" or "running from the hills." Sounds like he was just a little awkward, as such run-ins tend to be, especially when the sting is fresh. Maybe just chalk it up to all that, and take comfort in knowing that all this means is that you now have space to connect with someone who isn't "somewhere else." And if for some reason you are drawn to men who don't seem focused on you—well, that's the stuff to explore in therapy, rather than thinking of therapy as a place to go to get better at diagnosing others.

Very well said blue.

I also noticed the previous posts and I figured it was a different guy since those opined why does a guy want to stay in touch while this one is why doesn’t he, it seems, at it’s core, you’re confusion towards ‘men’ is really boiled down to why is this guy not responding to me like I want...

Doesn’t sound very pretty, I know, and like blue mentioned kinda comes off a bit narcissistic, but I’m kinda getting the vibe that’s where all this truly lies.

Tell your ego to stand down.

What’s attracting you to him may be his rejection, but that’s more about you than him.

Explore that with your therapist, and honestly, if your therapists labeling men in your life sight unseen, with the limited knowledge even you have of them narcissists, she may not be a good fit, I don’t know, just seems a tad extreme.

Focus within, trying to figure him out is just going to drive you crazy, not worth the headache.

what does he really have to say to you? It was over before it started. he may not have known how you would act, also. Would you try to cling on him all night? or would you be casual? he might have been surprised to see you there as well. Or maybe you were in a great costume and he didn't recognize you.

Thank you!! It’s not a pattern bc I’m cordial with 15 other guys I’ve dated short term. I think I’m just shocked a guy who’s a friend to everyone and so nidevto everyone goes out of his way to avoid me. My own flaw I should work on.

It's just fresh. That's all. I wouldn't read too much into it. Also, the fellow you were cordial with at the party was someone you ended up ending things with (not the other way around). I think this guy isn't that great, honestly. Most people have a fairly good idea when they're ready to date again (I mean really date - date seriously or take someone seriously). If he misled you in the beginning, good riddance. If both of you are on the same page, I think it's time to revise what type of partner or relationship best suits you going forward.

Ok Stop dating these men. It's a bit too inbred and close for comfort. Particularly since you mention you go for all the narcissists in the bunch. Join other groups, clubs etc. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Get outside of this group and expand your horizons, not just to find men but if they're all narcissists as you claim why be around them? Keep in mind, calling men things didn't go forward with 'narcs' sounds a lot like sour grapes.

We’re in the same tight knit community.

He shouldn't date if he still has ex on his mind. I get him he wants to go trough it by having someone else, but you ain't alone on this earth homie, you hurting does not mean you can go around, use up people and then decide if you gonna stay or not ...unmanly af. He way too old for that.

I can understand that he has biological needs but still the value of other human being should be more important. Don't hurt cause you wanna have lil'bit fun.

Thanks all for all the help and responses. I will explore deeper in therapy. I just restarted Pilates and boxing classes on evenings so hopefully that will help with meeting people. At least a good lesson on detecting red flags sooner. Take good care!

He shouldn't date if he still has ex on his mind. I get him he wants to go trough it by having someone else, but you ain't alone on this earth homie, you hurting does not mean you can go around, use up people and then decide if you gonna stay or not ...unmanly af. He way too old for that.

 

I can understand that he has biological needs but still the value of other human being should be more important. Don't hurt cause you wanna have lil'bit fun.

Thanks. Really well written. I’m guilty of once doing the same but after 2 dates I didn’t continue. This was too much for me

I don't see the problem. It could be a few things. Maybe they think they hurt you and are trying to do you a service. Maybe they think they hurt you or did something wrong by leading you on (or cheating on you in one case) so don't want to talk to someone that would bring up feelings of shame. Maybe they just want it to be clear that they have moved on and don't want to have to tell you it wont work out again.

Why do you want them to acknowledge you? The relationships are over. Keep it in the past! That's all they are doing, and considering how much it bothers you, they are probably doing you a service.

Like most situations, this, too, probably could use some self reflection to see why you care.

or....

It could be as simple as, dating, especially within a tight knit group, requires a thick skin. It's better to say nothing, than to be fake, or be the cause of drama or gossip.

Maybe in time, you will become cordial but for now, stay focused on your own goals and interests.

Focus on the interactions with those that do make an effort to engage with you at these events. If you get busy focusing on those that are focused on you, I think you will feel better and be happier.

If someone isn't looking at you, don't look at them. you have every right to be there and you don't have to "be friends with everybody".

The best thing I ever learned was to choose myself in trying situations. I'm on my side. Someone doesn't like me, doesn't want to be with me, doesn't want talk to me? good. I'm busy over here watching this paint dry bc that's how much I want to talk to them, too [emoji23]

love those that love you, let go of the rest.