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Hurt by Hawaii trip plans with her girlfriend.


Salvatore

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I can't help but to be hurt after my girlfriend told me she was going to plan a trip to Hawaii with her girlfriend along with other trips (Australia, New Zealand). This is after I had suggested that there were some cheap flights to Hawaii some months back and maybe that was a trip we could consider. She said that she wasn't interested in Hawaii. When I brought that up a few days ago when she told me about about her trip plan to Hawaii with her friend, she said "well, I guess I am". Meaning, I guess I am interested in a Hawaii trip. But she still insists that Hawaii is really not something she was ever interested in.

 

To be fair, she has traveled with her friends for years. She just recently came back from a cruise (not with me). Went to Cancun earlier this year (not with me). We went to Europe earlier this year by the way. She is going to Cancun again in February (Not with me but with a different friend. Not the Hawaii friend). But I still can't help but feel that she would rather travel with her friends. She goes on these, what I would consider should be romantic trips but just not with me. I really don't feel that she is going on romantic trips with her girlfriend but they would be if the trips were us together.

 

I can't help but to feel hurt and I told her so. She said that "does she want me to just stop traveling with her friends?" No, but the whole Hawaii thing has me stressed. It's been a few days now and I can't seem to get over it. We had another conversation about it and I told her I was still upset. She said she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to disappoint her friend. (I guess it was better to disappoint me). I relented and basically said she should go with her friend. We have been seeing each other for 3 years. We don't live together but love our time together.

 

Can anyone help me make sense of this? I just don't know what to feel about this.

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Is there a discrepancy in your socioeconomic status or vacation time? Did you actually make plans with her or only maybe and suggest cheap flights? 3 years is a very long time to do nothing but suggest cheap flights and pout that she takes action without you

 

You can't tell her what to do and pouting is manipulative. You seem incompatible in many ways. It may be best to start to observe this.

I can't help but to be hurt after my girlfriend told me she was going to plan a trip to Hawaii with her girlfriend

This is after I had suggested that there were some cheap flights to Hawaii some months back and maybe that was a trip we could consider.

I still can't help but feel that she would rather travel with her friends.

She said that "does she want me to just stop traveling with her friends?"

We have been seeing each other for 3 years.

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There are some things in your reply to my post that don't really jive with my original post. No discrepancy in socioeconomic status. We have vacationed together but when she's traveling 6 times a year with friends, that doesn't leave a whole lot of room for me. I'm anxious to see if others agree with you. Do you think she would rather vacation with her friends? Thanks

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Why the manipulation? You're sore she's living her life having fun because you don't plan anything or take the initiative. If anything you should both reflect on the viability of this relationship. It may have reached it's expiration point. Are you on a very tight budget or have very little vacation time? Or is it that you're jealous or just don't like travelling as much?

Yes. I guess it does tell me something. It's just hard for me to accept. The other night I told her I was going to step back from this whole vacation thing. She got really upset.
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Well, yes, it's reasonable to be upset that you suggested Hawaii, she said she wasn't interested, and then decided to go with someone else. How old are you two? Why does she have so much money to be able to travel on such expensive trips so often? Besides this issue, what's the rest of your relationship like? Does she take care of you when you're sick? Does she make you feel like a priority? Does she make you feel special with compliments, and/or being a cheerleader in your life--congratulating you on achievements, and supporting you when you need it? Do you feel like she divides her time fairly between you, her family and friends, hobbies/interests, a career?

 

What are your plans as a couple to progress to the next level in your relationship?

 

Getting some insight into other aspects of your union would be helpful for us to give advice.

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I disagree with @wiseman on this one. You said you’ve been to Europe together in your post so you know how to plan a trip together. I think suggesting you look at flights (be they cheap or first class) is a perfectly good way of getting the ball rolling on planning a trip. I don’t think you’re just living in your head and then pouting if it doesn’t go the way you imagined.

 

To be sure, I’m biased....this was one of the reasons I left an otherwise really good relationship recently: she wouldn’t travel with me. We also lived apart and in 4.5 years she refused to take a single vacation with me. It’s really frustrating, I get it! However my ex wasn’t traveling at ALL...I can imagine your situation is compounded by the fact that she will go with her friends but less inclined to go with you.

 

If you want to stay together my suggestion would be to totally drop it now that you’ve spoken your mind. If you start trying to get her to feel bad about her choices, or to think differently then she does then that is manipulative and you will only come off as either controlling or needy, depending on your style and relationship dynamic. That isn’t healthy...

 

Go to Hawaii alone or with a friend, plan a different trip with her (from a place of “I LOVE my time with you” like how you ended your first post!) But don’t be a “weenie” about your hurt feelings. Remember, I’m not talking smack because the same thing also hurt my feelings...I’m just saying women don’t like weenies so find another way to deal with your emotions around this topic if that makes sense?

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It seems so then. Hard to say what the overall level of satisfaction is from her side because there seems to be resentment that she has this time and chooses to travel with friends. Agree... don't be a weenie about it. Take action, reflect.

We have vacationed together but when she's traveling 6 times a year with friends, that doesn't leave a whole lot of room for me. Do you think she would rather vacation with her friends?
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Just curious... how does she afford (money wise and job wise) to travel so often? Sounds a bit excessive to me.

 

As for your situation... If she wants to travel with her friends and not you, then she should be unattached. You should be traveling together. Of course is is important to get away with friends only, but 6 times a year? Something doesn't sound right to me. Could she perhaps be playing around on these trips?

 

Either way... I would count my losses and move on.

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We are both older. She 63 and I am 68. We met which led to my divorce from an unhappy marriage. We have a great relationship along with a really great sexual relationship. We text all of the time and talk constantly. Generally we are together a couple days a week if not more. We don't live together. When we have a problem we try to talk it out. I love being with her and she feels the same. Circumstances in both of our lives keep us where we are. She is still married. Of course there are reasons for that which it is not necessary for me to go into. She is very giving to me and constantly brings me food etc. I think we complement each other very well. I never asked her how much she spends on travel but it has to be a considerable amount.

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We are both older. She 63 and I am 68. We met which led to my divorce from an unhappy marriage.

 

Well, at your ages, and having recently gotten together, I suppose if she has always done this type of traveling with her friends, that is a different story.

 

But... the fact that she is still married and you met while you were still married... not such a great way to approach a relationship.

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Sooo......a married woman having an affair with you (of course your situation is totally special and different from all other affairs) can't quite swing going on romantic trips with you while she is going on said trips with her friends, husband, family, etc. Well...friends as far as you know. I mean yeah, why are you surprised or acting hurt? You are just a third wheel in someone else's marriage and have no rights, no leg to stand on and nothing to complain about outside of put up and shut up and enjoy whatever bs she tells you, 'cause sex is worth it and the affair is exciting.

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Sooo......a married woman having an affair with you (of course your situation is totally special and different from all other affairs) can't quite swing going on romantic trips with you while she is going on said trips with her friends, husband, family, etc. Well...friends as far as you know. I mean yeah, why are you surprised or acting hurt? You are just a third wheel in someone else's marriage and have no rights, no leg to stand on and nothing to complain about outside of put up and shut up and enjoy whatever bs she tells you, 'cause sex is worth it and the affair is exciting.

 

I shouldn't be surprised. It's just hard to see the forest.

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