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Thread: LC breadcrumbs? A chance to get him back?

  1. #1
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    LC breadcrumbs? A chance to get him back?

    I've lurked on this forum now for a little while.

    My ex and I broke up 3 years ago. I was the dumpee.d
    It hurt like hell. I was in a state of utter depression.
    He and I tried to see each other, but he always kept his distance - which was really painful.
    My friends encouraged me to move on. They said my ex was emotionally abusive.

    I found someone else quickly, latched on, and got married to ease my pain. Of course, everyone around me encouraged me and I complied.

    However, I was never over my ex!

    So, I decided that I made a mistake after a lot of reflection on what I truly wanted and needed in my life. I guess it took marrying the wrong person to recognize this fact about what's important for my life. I separated from my husband (will be divorced shortly) and started talking to my ex.

    We had some amazing chats over 6 months (he lives in a different place than I do now).
    During our chats, he kept saying that I had to fulfill a lot of steps for him to want to consider getting back together with me. Some I could do, some I felt should take a bit more time. He was not happy about it.

    At one point, I got really physically sick and asked him to only text me for awhile as I wasn't well.
    He didn't comply and instead kept calling me. I ignored his phone calls during this time period. I literally blocked his number. I couldn't handle speaking to anyone during that time.

    When I was well enough again, I got in touch with him.
    He ended up meeting someone else during the time I was sick, but didn't tell me.

    We chatted for a few more months, but he was growing increasingly distant.
    During this time, he would tell me that I needed to 'open' up to him more and he wanted more details about my split with my ex husband etc.

    A few weeks ago, he told me that he's got a girlfriend and he can't work on two relationships RIGHT NOW.
    Then he said he wanted to be friends.

    At first I refused. But, after reading posts on here and other sites, I read that LC is needed if you want to get back together with your ex.
    So, I agreed to be friends.
    But, he always sets the tone of our contacts.

    Now: he'll send a random texts about a cartoon or something silly we both like once a week. No talking - just a very very random text.
    I used to respond with witty banter. But, he'd never respond to me at all.
    But, now I've decided I'll just respond in kind - with some random silly cartoon we both like.

    Truly, I'm confused about how to proceed forward. I know if I do NC I'll be fulfilling the role of that 'distant and emotionally stunted' person he knows by going NC. So, NC might worked against me.
    But, I don't want to be those comfortable slippers to help him bond with his new GF.

    Thoughts? I am trying to keep busy and move forward but bettering myself. I can't help but feel like I've screwed up my life and I'll pay for it forever.

    Thanks in advance to anyone who is interested in giving some advice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You would be better off talking to your attorney about your divorce and enlisting the help of a therapist to help you sift through all this. Stop talking to the abusive guy.
    Originally Posted by teeEFc
    My ex and I broke up 3 years ago. They said my ex was emotionally abusive. I separated from my husband (will be divorced shortly) and started talking to my ex. he told me that he's got a girlfriend

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    You're actually considering trying to meet all his "requirements " and jumping through hoops to try to get your abusive ex to want you?

    Please seek counseling. Wanting to convince your abuser to accept you back is very disturbing and unhealthy.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I normally feel sorry for people who lack so much self worth to want to return to someone who clearly cares so little for them. But in your case, your lack of caring for the sanctity of another's union is just as jerky as his behavior. If you had a bf, how would you feel if a woman was communicating with him and had the same agenda you do--playing a psychological game to win him over?

    You have a lot of work to do on yourself, because toxic people attract the same. Become the wonderful person you should be with therapy and you'll achieve greater results in anything you strive for.

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    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Sounds like both of you jump from relationship to relationship. Try taking a break and figuring out who you really are.

    You have to be happy with yourself, love yourself, and enjoy your own company.

    I love to be by myself... it's an indescribable sense of inner peace.

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    Thanks so much everyone for your advice and insight!
    I am very torn between seeing him as emotionally abusive and blaming myself for not being a better person. I guess I keep thinking that he wasn't being emotionally abusive, but just reacting to me.

    He texted me again something very random today in response to my text last night. I don't know why he bothers if he's making Christmas plans with his new gf.
    He also just accidentally texted me what he wanted to text his new girlfriend in the last 15 minutes. It's just heartbreaking to see how he interacts with his new girlfriend. I feel that if I had just been a better person, I wouldn't be in this position right now.

    I'm waiting my obligatory year before I can officially divorce. We are legally separated right now. Everything is above board.


    I don't know how to text him back at this point
    Play it cool and show I'm not affected by his accidental texts to his gf OR just not respond to him anymore.

    Thanks again everyone for your honest opinions! I am working with a therapist right now about attachment trauma. It's a hard road.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Talking to your attorney about the details of your divorce and enlisting the help of a therapist would serve you much better than talking to an abusive creep who has a gf. Stop using this nonsense as a distraction from the tough choices and difficult pain of divorce. This clown is not a therapist nor your attorney. You'll be terribly hurt if you stick your head in the sand and start chitchatting with someone who has a gf.
    Originally Posted by teeEFc
    I am very torn between....

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by teeEFc
    Thanks so much everyone for your advice and insight!
    I am very torn between seeing him as emotionally abusive and blaming myself for not being a better person. I guess I keep thinking that he wasn't being emotionally abusive, but just reacting to me.

    He texted me again something very random today in response to my text last night. I don't know why he bothers if he's making Christmas plans with his new gf.
    He also just accidentally texted me what he wanted to text his new girlfriend in the last 15 minutes. It's just heartbreaking to see how he interacts with his new girlfriend. I feel that if I had just been a better person, I wouldn't be in this position right now.

    I'm waiting my obligatory year before I can officially divorce. We are legally separated right now. Everything is above board.


    I don't know how to text him back at this point
    Play it cool and show I'm not affected by his accidental texts to his gf OR just not respond to him anymore.

    Thanks again everyone for your honest opinions! I am working with a therapist right now about attachment trauma. It's a hard road.

    OP, I strongly suggest you google the word "triangulation". This "accidental" texting you a message supposedly meant for his girlfriend, in my opinion, was no accident at all. It is triangulation at its finest and it is absolutely a form of abuse. My advice is to block this person immediately and, as others have suggested, speak with a therapist to help in your emotional healing.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You do realize if you are unfortunate enough to win him back, he has no conscience when it comes to sneaking around his girlfriends back and chatting up ex's and potential future entanglements. You'll lose him the same way you got him.

    What sort of things has he asked of you to do and what are the ones you haven't yet accomplished? You realize he'll keep moving the goal posts so you'll never be successful at what he perceives to be required.

    I am glad you are working with a therapist. Is she aware that you are still pining over someone who discarded you previously? Is she aware that your friends have labelled him abusive?

    Lastly, why do you find it o.k. to communicate and try to win back a man who is currently in a committed relationship? It shows a lack of integrity, much like his.

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    Thanks for your advice! I completely agree. I do like being by myself these days. It's just nice to do my own thing.
    I just feel that this ex forced me to see the world in a different way that I wasn't open to until I realized that maybe his viewpoint on life was right and mine was wrong.
    I'm living my life now the way I want it, but I know he would be one of the few people who'd really appreciate it. That's my life tragedy I guess.

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